A Titleless Story (3)

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

Hey Lucy. Like you asked; I'll review(:

Quietly Rosaline put her pen...

Coma after Quietly.


I couldn't really find the other thing that I was supposed to catch. Ha, I lost it.

Before I start with the plot and characters, I want you to know that I'm really tired, so if this is harsh or
just really bad - it's because I'm still laying in bed, its raining outside, my kitten is sleeping on me, and
the suicide virgin's movie is on my T.V. So, sorry if this turns out... sleepy. haha


Chapter
It was... bland. You seemed to have rushed, skipped so many details and explanations. I was reading and I wanted to know more of what Rose was thinking and feeling before she left. I wanted more detail as to what Jared looked as he slept. Maybe even what time of the morning it was. Then, you completely switched over to Rosalyn and even the detail there was bland.
When I read a story I see it as an image. But when I read this I saw it as three short scenes from an elementary school play. I didn't see any movement, I didn't feel the characters pain.


Characters
Usually I'll put each characters name and then what I thought about them. But this chapter there was such little description and character involvement that all in all I'll have the same thing:
You need to develop your characters more. There's a group for character development! I used it. d:


I'm sorry if this was short and harsh! But, at least it'll help you to go in the right direction. Good job!

OMG, that was the best story i had ever read! you have lots and lots of skill!!! and as for the name, i think you should either name it Unshed Tears; or Forbidden love.. I'm not sure.. maybe you'll come up with something better. that was a great story.. I have no critique for you today.

well your story in one lost the good usage of characters and you were in a hurry.
Quietly Rosaline put her pen down on the dressing table and folded up the letter, the writing slightly smudged from her unwilling tears. She looked over at where Jared lay in bed, his long, scruffy dark hair sticking up from sleep and his nose scrunched up as he dreamt.

She couldn’t believe she was doing this.

She retrieved a hair clip from the table and clipped her curly hair up, away from her face. She picked up her suitcase lying at the end of the bed, took one last fleeting look at Jared’s sleeping profile and walked out of the room, out of her house and out of his life.


* * *


Rosetta placed the phone down, shock still plastered on her face. She looked down at her left hand, still resting on the phone, and at the two rings sparkling back at her.

Those rings meant the life to her before, as a symbol of Kenso’s love for her, but within a matter of minutes she hated them with a passion. For they were the reason her twin sister had moved to the other side of the world and she will probably never see her again.

She knew now that she should never had married Kenso, but Rosetta had been so caught up in the moment and their love for each other that she just had to marry him.

The front door slammed shut and Kenso shouted out cheerily, “I’m home Mrs Leah!”

He walked into the living room, his face still tanned from the honeymoon and covered in a heart-breaking smile. But with one look at Rosetta’s frozen figure, tears streaming down her face, all traces of a smile was wiped from his face.

He strode over to the leather settee where she was sat and engulfed her small figure in a hug. He lightly lifted her off of the sofa and sat himself down, placing Rosetta on his lap.

“Shh, shh,” he murmured in her ear, stroking her soft blonde hair. “Now, what’s the matter honey?”

“Rosaline …” Rosetta whispered into Kenso’s chest.

“What’s wrong with her?” Kenso asked; panic streaking through his deep voice.

“She’s gone,” Rosetta cried.

“Gone? Gone where?” Kenso asked, bemused.

“To America … and she will never come back, I just know it. Oh Kenso, it’s all our fault!”

Kenso had no reply to this, so carried on stroking Rosetta’s hair. For straightaway the person he was most worried about was his twin brother Jared.


* * *


Jared,

You know how much I love you, words can’t describe, but we both know we can no longer be together. And for this reason I have decided to move to America where I can no longer hurt the both of us. Please know that there will never be another you in my life but I can’t carry on living here in England, so close to you, knowing that we can’t be together. It’s just too hard. So, knowing this, please carry on with your life, but without me being a part of it. Don’t try looking for me, just leave things be.

One final thing that I will ask of you is to please not tell Rosetta or Kenso my reason for leaving; otherwise they will never forgive themselves. And I don’t want that as it’s not really their fault.

I will never stop loving you,

Your Rose xx


“Oh Rosaline, what have you done?” Jared whispered to himself, his tears falling onto the already smudged writing of Rosaline’s last words to him.


but i think you should consider this in the next chapter.

Hii luccy!
I have read your previous chapter. I enjoyed reading this as the story line seems to be very interesting.
Although, it was a bit too brief. You could give more descriptions about their feelings, Rosaline's feeling especially when she is leaving.

She couldn’t believe she was doing this.

I don't think there is need of putting this in a new line.

The second paragraph was definitely the one where you need to work more. Add more details and emotions. Make us feel what the characters here are feeling.

Jared,
You know how much I love you, words can’t describe, but we both know we can no longer be together. And for this reason I have decided to move to America where I can no longer hurt the both of us. Please know that there will never be another you in my life but I can’t carry on living here in England, so close to you, knowing that we can’t be together. It’s just too hard. So, knowing this, please carry on with your life, but without me being a part of it. Don’t try looking for me, just leave things be.
One final thing that I will ask of you is to please not tell Rosetta or Kenso my reason for leaving; otherwise they will never forgive themselves. And I don’t want that as it’s not really their fault.
I will never stop loving you,
Your Rose xx

“Oh Rosaline, what have you done?” Jared whispered to himself, his tears falling onto the already smudged writing of Rosaline’s last words to him.

This paragraph was perfect! I loved it and even though it was short, I felt very emotional. It was just beautifully written. Lucyy, I really think you can do great with a bit more practise.

The plot isn't that clear to me. Like why Rosaline left but I guess I'll have to wait for the next chapter. I am very interested to know what happens next.

Don't have much to say. I didn't notice any gramatical errors so thats it from me.

All the best!!

So very sad. I was definitely not expecting that. What a twist, Lucy?!

“To America … and she will never come back, I just know it. Oh Kenso, it’s all our fault!”

Should be a comma after “Oh” here.

Kenso had no reply to this, so carried on stroking Rosetta’s hair.

Should be a “he” after “so”

These are the only two things I noticed, and their small at that. So no worries there.

I’m not sure if I did this yet or not but I’m going to do a quick character/plot overview, so just bare with me.

Rosaline: She seems so similar to her sister, it’s hard to keep them separate. The only thing that I can now differ between the two is her seperation from Jared. You have to give her something to make her unique, something that makes her stand out to the reader.

Rosetta: Same thing with her. Very similar to her sister. Try to give her something that will make her own personality different.

Jared: Not much to say on him. Loves Rosaline and hates to see her go. I noticed that with all your characters, they all sort of resemble each other. You have to break out of that mold and try something new

Kenso: Sorry I bet I sound like a broken record but it is the same thing for him. Go ahead, make him unique!

Plot: True romance going on here. Sisters have the love for each other but also to their husband/boyfriend really cause a conflict. I look forward to more!

PM me when you post more!

Hope this helped.

lucyy-
Welcome back!! But I must review...

Everyone else got the grammar mistakes, so there's not much I can do for that. But I do have questions.
If this is ten years ago, then what's in it for the future? Like the present.
Why the heck did Rosaline leave for? Besides that fact that her twin sister married Kenso. Who's related to Jared. Ugh! This is getting so confusing for me!!
So was it Jared that called Rosetta and told her about her sister?
The letter was pretty sad. I would cry to if someone did that to me.

Overall...I really wanna know about the present time. 'Cause this is in the past, 10 yrs. ago. What's going to happen between Jared and Rosaline? What about Rosaline's trip to America? What's going to happen to her there?

That's all I could think of for now. Anyway, pm me when you post the next part.
-Merry

Thank you all for reading this & I totally agree with you all it's way too rushed & needs more emotions!! But I'm glad you have all read this & pointed it out so thank you very muchhhh

daytripper --
thanks for your review & no it wasn't harsh at all, it's just what I need to make it better, so thank you for pointing out the grammar mistakes & I shall get to work on the rest ASAP

emmasweetie100 --
Thank you for your review, you're too kind!! & as for title ideas ... pretty good!! I'll definitely be considering those!! (:

prasiejoe --
I totally agree, it is rushed & there are no real feeling or emotions etc of my characters, so I'll definately be changing that!! (: & thank you for reading & reviewing this!!

fun4eva --
Hey, haven't spoken in a while!! & thank you for reading my other chapters to this .. most kind of you & yep it was rushed, which I'll be changing so thankyou for your views (:

ashleylee --
Haha, glad you like my twist Thank you for pointing out the grammatical mistakes, I get to changing those ASAP & I totally see where you're coming from, there isn't really anything to set my characters apart from each other, so I'll work on my characters personalities, thank you for pointing that out, as I wouldn't have thought of it otherwise!! Thank you for your review, was veryyyy helpful (: & I will try to remember to PM you

Merry --
Haha thank youuu (:
Well, as to why this all happened ten years ago ... you shall have to read on & this is the last piece to my 10 years ago bit & the next part to this that I will post will be in the present day. This is just a bit of story settong almost ... Hope that helped you're questions & thank you sooo much for reading and reviewing this!!

Thank you all for reading this and your reviews & helping me to make this a whole lot better, I reallyyyyyy appreciate it!!! I will get to working on improving this and the previous chapter before I post anymore. So thank you all for your help & advice, and thank you (did I already say that?:P)
Lucyy xxx

Hey. I got your message so Im back! Okay, let's see.

breath

I feel this should be 'breaths'.

He was totally unaware of what she was about to do.

Well, if he's asleep - wouldn't he be? Maybe you shouldn't say this -
draw it out with words by describing the note she leaves. The reader
will pick up the point by then.

Silently, so as not to rouse Jared’s sleeping form,

I had to reread this a few times, re-write it?

Time to write a last letter to Jared.

In your last paragraph you used 'time to go' and in this one you say
'time to...' again. Try a different phrase so that it's not repetition.

She desperately wanted to believe those words that she was telling herself.

I know that feeling. /: It's a sad, heart wrenching feeling. Its the one time in your life
that you want to be selfish and say 'no'. Good job.

Silently, she placed the pen down and folded the piece of paper in half. She couldn’t believe she was doing this: leaving him.

I think that to make this more intriguing, you should take the 'leaving him' part.
But if not, it should be "She was leaving him."

into: back into

Change that colon to a dash.

the vacant side

You already used 'vacant side'. Sometimes its good to use a variety of good wording,
but if the term comes up again - reword it.

Jared,

You know how much I love you, words can’t describe, but we both know we can no longer be together. And for this reason I have decided to move to America where I can no longer hurt the both of us. Please know that there will never be another you in my life but I can’t carry on living here in England, so close to you, knowing that we can’t be together. It’s just too hard. So, knowing this, please carry on with your life, but without me being a part of it. Don’t try looking for me, just leave things be.

One final thing that I will ask of you is to please not tell Rosetta or Kenso my reason for leaving; otherwise they will never forgive themselves. And I don’t want that as it’s not really their fault.

I will never stop loving you,

Your Rose xx

I put the letter all in one quote so bare with me, here.
1) It should all be italicized.
2) The coma after 'you' should become a dash.
3) Don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (And, But, etc.)

him; but

Coma, not colon.

Jared wrenched open the back door, running to the end of the long garden shouting Rosaline’s name over and over again as though she would come back, even though her car was absent from the drive and the letter in her bedroom kept on beating the same final words in Jared’s head: we can no longer be together.

OH! GOOD But it's a run-on /: But I love the wording of it

Rosaline was gone: and was never coming back.

Take out that colon and leave it be. Here's how I know when to use a colon: If I can make it a question and
answer thing.
Ex. She only said one thing: yes.
That can easily be: What did she say? Yes.
Do you understand?

Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out Rosaline’s letter and last words to him,

What?


Characters
Rosaline: I really liked how she was told in this chapter. She was like a painting, a puppet with strings. You
made the reader the artist, you made the reader the puppeteer. It was excellent.

Jared: He was the same way. His movements, his thoughts, his actions - Character Development must be
working out for you!(:


Overall
This chapter was incredible. Much, much better then the first draft. You are really improving with your details and words, your writing skills and your punctuation skills (Just remember what I said about the colon). I'm really looking forward to the next chapter. You seem to be putting a lot of time and effort into this and we all can read it through your words. I am actually very extremely proud of you. This made me smile wide too, I have been having a rough day and I sat down and got your message so I rushed off to go read. Now, I'm happy I did. I'm glad I read this because it made me feel great that you're learning while also teaching others skills of writing. Good Job, Lucy(:

I would really like to find out what she was thinking, more expression. This story seemed like you skipped a lot of the plot. But I think its a great idea, I hope you work on it, so it becomes a better story. My favorite bit was how she wrote a goodbye letter to Jared.Jared,

You know how much I love you, words can’t describe, but we both know we can no longer be together. And for this reason I have decided to move to America where I can no longer hurt the both of us. Please know that there will never be another you in my life but I can’t carry on living here in England, so close to you, knowing that we can’t be together. It’s just too hard. So, knowing this, please carry on with your life, but without me being a part of it. Don’t try looking for me, just leave things be.

One final thing that I will ask of you is to please not tell Rosetta or Kenso my reason for leaving; otherwise they will never forgive themselves. And I don’t want that as it’s not really their fault.

I will never stop loving you,

Your Rose xx

I'm glad this alot better (: yayy (: & thank you daytripper for reading this a second time - you've been soo helpful, so thank you. And I will alter those points you pointed out (:
Haha, I'm glad you liked it & I can't wait to post the next chapter (the start of the actual story!!), it's waiting impatietly for me to finish it at the moment d:

Jemima --
Thank you for reading this & pointing out what needs to be improved, it's sooo much appreciated as I'm always up for a bit of improvement so I will take everything in account that you have said to me & thank you for taking your time on reading and reviewing this!!

Lucyy xx

This version was so much better, luc! No lie! I totally understand why she left now and everything. And it was so cute the comment you put in there about him keeping all their love letters! Very romantic!

Well, I can't praise you enough on this rewrite!

Except that I love it and can't find any mistakes!

Keep up the good work, luc!

Aww, thank you so much ashley I'm so glad you like it (: & I'm glad you now understand her reasons for going, as I wasn't too clear on that and confused everyone *wink* opps hehe. Thank youuu so much, you're too kind
Lucyy xx