Death of a hero

Fellow · 2008-09-05T11:17:10Z

Here it is ... Enjoy! Every single comment is welcome! He was dying… He was crushed and Ashea’s voice was calling him in vain. A thread of blood was streaming down his half-opened mouth and then onto his cheek. The dreadful pain stopped and he heard nothing but the whistling of his breath that no longer belonged to him. He was dying and embraced his death like a long lost friend. His thoughts jumbled in his mind, like an ocean that had started its surge in order to defy any other hope of life. A painful tiredness imbued him like smoke, darkening his mind. He resisted that sleep with all his mind and soul that he possessed. Something told him that he needed to be dead long ago but this was not finished yet. And the sleep vanished and his eyes cleared again. The light of his sword, Moonbeam, fell upon his left cheek white as the snow. Oh, how much he wanted to look around again, but his muscles didn't listen to him any more. He was so tired that even the action of breathing was hard to fulfill. With an inhumane effort, he whispered: - We … won! - Yes… We won! Ashea’s answer came as well, whispered, and his fiery pride rushed into his soul. - Avargorn… Elesr… - The sword is broken in pieces and Elesr has returned from where he came from. Now sleep my brother… Rest your body and mind in the hands of the Gods. He touched Ashea`s face and then he closed his eyes smiling triumphantly. A smile that no one could defeat, not even death. Ashea laid her head on his chest and started to cry washing his armour with her tears. The Mertons` songs shattered once again the peaceful silence, but now they were not singing battle cries. They were singing about the death of a Guardian, about the shattered sword Avargorn, about a legendary deed. The song was so strong that it seem like the ruined city could rise again in its glory. Elevard thought that Ilith will get up again and hold Avargorn into his hands, speak, ride again strong like a leader, like a king, like an ancient Guardian of Ayura. - Blood has washed this earth but with what sacrifice?, said Elevard looking at the dead hero. Zyraen draw his sword and kneeled near the head of Ilith and took off his helmet that had so many scratches and holes on it that it actually did not give any protection any more. - Zyraen, Erina, Ashea! Come on lads! We still have a war to stop, spoke the wizard. Then turned at his fenoreh and whispered a command. He raised the body of Ilith with a spell and put it on the back of his fenoreh that roared with bestial vigour as he ran trough the soldiers of Urfen that stopped their swords and their fury when Ilith fought Elesr.

Demeter

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Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:57 pm

Demeter says... · Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:57 pm

Hey there. I FINALLY managed to remember to read and review this. I'm sorry for not having earlier.

So. I'm not much into fantasy-swordfight stories, but I notice you know how to use the words. It's great.

But I would also suggest that you use quotation marks instead of dashes in dialogue, it clears things up a lot.

I think it's very interesting to start the story like this. There are lots of this kind of stories, as you surely know, but starting with the ending (I believe it's the "ending"?) makes it different from others.

Overall, quite nice job, even though it was so short.

See you around!

Demeter xxx

"Your jokes are scarier than your earrings." -Twit

"14. Pretend like you would want him even if he wasn't a prince. (Yeah, right.)" -How to Make a Guy Like You - Disney Princess Style

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jsull60880

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Sat Nov 01, 2008 12:24 am

jsull60880 says... · Sat Nov 01, 2008 12:24 am

This sounds like the beginning (or end?) of a very complex and compelling story. It leaves me wanting more. Sounds very epic.

The main problem I had with it is there are so many names, and I have no idea who all these characters are. I look forward to reading more about them and learning who they all are. I also can't wait to find out why the hero is relieved to be dying.

One minor thing, I would change or get rid of "inhumanely" in "he whispered inhumanely".

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beliel93

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Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:35 am

beliel93 says... · Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:35 am

Reading through the comments I don't really think I can catch much others haven't. As my first ever post I'd like to say WOW YOU'RE VERY GOOD. Especially considering English being your second language. I enjoy your narration, and the entire emotion/mood of it fits very well with whatever your characters are going through. I DEFFINATLY enjoy this as an opening, and big surprise I start with the ending too. Well I hope to read more, if it isn't trouble can you P.M. me if you do get more on here?

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beliel93

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Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:35 am

beliel93 says... · Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:35 am

Reading through the comments I don't really think I can catch much others haven't. As my first ever post I'd like to say WOW YOU'RE VERY GOOD. Especially considering English being your second language. I enjoy your narration, and the entire emotion/mood of it fits very well with whatever your characters are going through. I DEFFINATLY enjoy this as an opening, and big surprise I start with the ending too. Well I hope to read more, if it isn't trouble can you P.M. me if you do get more on here?

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