Cemetry

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I just wanted to get the day over with and........... Go down to Smokey's for a few cold ones.

Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 6:55. Five minutes to go before the cemetery gates are closed for the day.

Full dress was hot in the August sun.

Oklahoma summertime was as bad as ever -- the heat and humidity at the same level -- both too high.

I saw the car pull into the drive, '69 or '70 model Cadillac Deville, looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail's pace .

An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed. She had a cane and a sheaf of flowers, about four or five bunches as best I could tell.

I couldn't help myself. The thought came unwanted, and left a slightly bitter taste:

"She's going to spend an hour, and for this old soldier...my hip hurts like hell and I'm ready to get out of here right now!"

But for this day my duty was to assist anyone coming in.

Kevin would lock the 'In' gate and if....I could just hurry the old biddy along, we might make the last half of happy hour at Smokey's.

I broke Post Attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the first step and the pain went up a notch.

I must have made a real military sight; middle-aged man with a small pot-gut and half a limp, in Marine Full Dress Uniform, which had lost its razor crease about 30 minutes after I began the watch... at the cemetery.

I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk.

She looked up at me with an old woman's squint. "Ma'am may I assist you in anyway?"

She took long enough to answer. "Yes, son. Can you carry these flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days."

"'My pleasure Ma'am." Well, it wasn't too much of a lie.

She looked again. "Marine, where were you stationed?"

"Vietnam , Ma'am. Ground-pounder. '69 to '71.'"

She looked at me closer. "Wounded in action, I see. Well done, Marine, I'll be as quick as I can."

I lied a little bigger, "No hurry, Ma'am." She smiled............. and winked at me. "Son, I'm 85-years old and I can tell a lie from a long way off. Let's get this done, might be the last time I can do this.

My name's Joanne Wieserman, and I've a few Marines I'd like to see one more time.'

"Yes, Ma'am, At your service." She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone. She picked one of the bunches out of my arm and laid it on top of the stone. She murmured something I couldn't quite make out.

The name on the marble was; Donald S. Davidson, USMC, France 1918.

She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way down her cheek.


She put a bunch on a stone; the name was; Stephen X. Davidson, USMC, 1943.

She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone; Stanley J. Wieserman USMC , 1944.

She paused for a second, 'Two more, son, and we'll be done' I almost didn't say anything, but, "Yes, Ma'am, Take your time." She looked confused.
"Where's the Vietnam section, son? I seem to have lost my way."

I pointed with my chin. "That way, Ma'am."

"Oh!" she chuckled quietly. "Son, me and old age ain't too friendly." She headed down the walk I'd pointed at. She stopped at a couple of stones before she found the ones she wanted.

She placed a bunch on Larry Wieserman USMC, 1968, and the last one on Darrel Wieserman USMC, 1970.

She stood there and murmured a few words......I still couldn't make out.

"OK, son , I'm finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home."

"Yes, Ma'am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?"

She paused. 'Yes, Donald Davidson was my father; Stephen was my uncle; Stanley was my husband; Larry and Darrel were our sons. All killed in action, all Marines.'

She stopped, whether she had finished, or couldn't finish, I just don't know.

She made her way to her car, slowly, and painfully.

I waited for a polite distance to come between us....... and then double-timed it over to Kevin waiting by the car. 'Get to the 'Out'- gate QUICK!, I have something I've JUST got to do.'

Kevin started to say something, but saw the look I gave him. He broke the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She hadn't made it around the rotunda yet.

"Kevin... stand to attention next to the gate post. Follow my lead."

I thumped it across the drive to the other post.

When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny's voice: 'TehenHut! Present Haaaarms!' I have to hand it to Kevin, he never blinked an eye; full dress attention and a salute that would make his DI proud. She drove through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for knowing Duty, Honor and Sacrifice

I am not quite sure, but I think I saw............ a BIG salute returned
from that Cadillac!
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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what? no critques. i thought it was good
"Hello, is this thing on?"




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hey, this is good.
it's short, but the quality is high. the characters emotions are described well and as a reader i could relate to them.
i like the way the marine's attitude went from boredom and longing to get to the bar, to repect and admiration.
i didn't pick up on any grammar or spelling mistakes, though to be honest i wasn't lokking for any.
i don't know much about the american army, but i'm a soldier so i can relate, you showed the sacrifice that families have to make when fighting for freedom.
well done.
thanks
i'm so lost x5




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I think the main problem I have with this is formatting. Perhaps this is a style I've somehow misinterpreted and is supposed to add something to the piece, but upon first impression I'm finding the double spacing between lines and the awkward overuse of ellipses is distracting. The characters seemed to have heart just within the first paragraph which I like.

Over all I think it just needs to be tidied up.




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Hi there!

Alright, overall, I liked this a lot. It was a lovely idea and it was all written very well, there were just one or two things I noticed...


I just wanted to get the day over with and........... Go down to Smokey's for a few cold ones.


Kevin would lock the 'In' gate and if....I could just hurry the old biddy along


She smiled............. and winked at me


I don't think you need so many dots! Especially the first time, but it both cases I dont really see why you have them in the first place? I don't think they are really needed or what effect you were trying to create with them. Why are they there?

and here...

'Get to the 'Out'- gate QUICK!, I have something I've JUST got to do.'


Here I think the emphasis is on the wrong word. I think it should be on 'got' and not 'just'. Say the sentence out loud to yourself maybe and see if you change your mind.


I am not quite sure, but I think I saw............ a BIG salute returned
from that Cadillac!


honestly, the ending ruined the piece for me a bit. You have this fantastic poingant piece and I loved the subject matter, but the last line seemed to make it almost comical? I don't think 'big' needs to be in capitals and get rid of the dots. I think if you did that it would fit in with the piece a lot more.

If you have any questions please PM me!

Sofi.
'Don't you just love these long rainy afternoons in New Orleans when an hour isn't just an hour but a little bit of Eternity dropped into your hands- and who knows what to do with it?'
T.W.



But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red