The Quiet

A lover said he wanted a poem for his birthday. This being my first piece of work posted here, feedback is especially appreciated.

The quiet hours, in between the tides -
- the crest atop the rush and fall of things.
In a sense, in a sin, is where we find
our absolution:
a broken place
that clings to our feet, where they
intersect the earth and heaven.

Down broad and winding paths
a squirrel found us in the park.
Solemn paws together in a prayer;
he knew then of our need.
In the jagged beloving shadow
of leaves softly torn apart
and touching at the tips, the limbs,
I take your hands. You give me love.
Forever and again,
the light crumbles, lost around us,
and we persist.

You and I,
We will always know our dimensions:
As long as your lips endure on mine.
As wide as your arms in the dark.
We meet and lay our tears on tears,
our touch on touch,
re-making our world infinite --
In between the tides. The quiet ours.

Very well written, I like your style. The indentation of that line in the first stanza is nice. Someone once said to me that poems which only address a single specific person can be somewhat lost on everybody else, but I think if it is done well, it can still be effective. The squirrel seems slightly random, though it is a cute image. I'm not too sure about the first two lines, as they're fragments, and after I read them I was kind of thinking, "yes, what about them?" However if the first full stop was changed to a comma, I might feel different about it. Loved the last line. You used description really well in this piece, and it's really pleasing to read.

Thanks Matt. I took note of what you said and changed the period in the first line to a ruptured '--' that wraps up the first line and begins the second. That's probably a lot more appropriate, since the slight pause create could mimic the swell of a wave about to fall, i.e. a 'crest', and the broken '--' also emphasizes the sense of what I wanted to bring across: two things (two lines, two people, etc) simultaneously torn apart and brought together, destroyed and remade.

The squirrel image is random, you're right, and that's because, as you hit upon, it's a personal memory between the both of us. I normally avoid inserting scenes that make no sense to anyone else, but I tried to tie it into the rest of the poem with the shadow of the trees in the park, and of course the theme of sin and absolution in the first stanza, 'cos that gorram squirrel really did look like he was conferring a blessing upon us! :)

Thanks Matt. I took note of what you said and changed the period in the first line to a ruptured '--' that wraps up the first line and begins the second. That's probably a lot more appropriate, since the slight pause create could mimic the swell of a wave about to fall, i.e. a 'crest', and the broken '--' also emphasizes the sense of what I wanted to bring across: two things (two lines, two people, etc) simultaneously torn apart and brought together, destroyed and remade.

The squirrel image is random, you're right, and that's because, as you hit upon, it's a personal memory between the both of us. I normally avoid inserting scenes that make no sense to anyone else, but I tried to tie it into the rest of the poem with the shadow of the trees in the park, and of course the theme of sin and absolution in the first stanza, 'cos that gorram squirrel really did look like he was conferring a blessing upon us! :)

I, too, really liked this piece. You have a very unique style. The first two lines did seem a bit of an awkward way to lead into the poem, but it was still nice and once I reread them I realized they did fit. I really did like the description. It seemed to hold stories intertwined with it and it was a bit mysterious in ways, too. You're a great writer. I would love to read something else of yours.

okay first i would like to say AWESOME!
second i would like to say I LOVE IT!
Third i would like to say very deep
fourth i would like to say it makes you think
fifth i would like to say it has its own beat
sixth i would like to say it has its own voice with a song to sing.

WELL DONE MY FRIEND!
I HONESTLY LOVE IT!
i have been reviewing many poems since i joined and yours is the first one i read that has its
own life to live! You make it seem that it is ALIVE! AND I LOVE THAT IN POEMS! SONGS TO! so i will say
again...
Very, very well done, my friend

Hi, gaylegoh!

I liked this much. I feel all calm now, after reading your poem. It has a very soothing effect

he knew then of our need.

Hmm. I think this is a little awkwardly worded. I just can't give you any suggestions on how to make it flow better. Just try different kind of ways to say it and see what works the best.

atop

I've never been a big fan of this word. Is it actually a word? Although I admit "on top of the" wouldn't fit into the line...


I loved that squirrel thing after you'd explained it. It's really sweet to use your and his own little inside jokes and memories. You should write more poems.

See you around!

Demeter xxx

Wow that was extremely good...

You have an interesting style that I don't could be rivaled or copied.

I like the part about the squirrel...

Keep writing!!! I would love to hear (read) more

-moon_shifter143