A Bloodied Rose part three

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I pulled a black tank and a pair of dark jeans on that morning for school. That whole "all vampires are Goth" thing is a load of crap, but I choose to be a Goth at my school.
For all you know we could be the pink loving preppy kids at yours.
I slipped out the door and ran the one and a half mile quickly to Kingwood High. Here I am a loner and I choose to be that way. I keep to my self. Why get attached to any humans? They live, they get old and they die. We die, and live, and live and live and just keep on "living".
No one noticed me any more and that was just the way I liked it. When I first came to this school people were all over me and my looks. I received at least ten numbers from boys at school, "popular" girls tried to be my best friends, and I ignored it all.
If I do hang out with anyone at all it is my blood brother, Christian. Ella changed him a few years after me and so being killed or reborn (however you choose to think of it) by the same "mother", we gravitated towards each other. He, however, is almost the complete opposite of me. He is too perfect (like me) but he embraces his good looks. He is on just about every sports team. He is "friends" with all the popular boys, and dates cheerleaders. One thing I hate about him is his cockiness.
"Hello Calla, sleep well?" Christian asked. "You have some shadows under your eyes... just wondering." He was referring to the light violet tint that was always under my perfect golden-red eyes. This tint of purple I got after not sleeping for a while. Though we didnt get tired or really need to sleep, the shaddow like things still came, maby to add a little color to our skin. A better camoflage amongst the humans. I elbowed him, hard, and heard a snap. I sincerely hoped I had broken some of his ribs. I flick the numbers of my combination on my lock and pull it open.
Classes were the same from the first time I went to school nearly 300 years ago. Boring. I know all the answers. I sit in the back of the room so no one will notice me, and I like it that way.
If I got attached to a human they would eventually grow old and die. A human's life is such a delicate thing and it is so easy to take it away even with out meaning to. A human would die and I would keep on living, forever. I have had my heart shattered too many times since my re-birth in to the world of death.
Every thing went just like every other day. I slipped into my usual seat in art class, my last class of the day and my favorite. I looked up into the eyes of our new student teacher. And I swear if I still had a heart it would have stopped beating. Because right before me was Collin.
He had the same tall, slender yet subtly muscled frame. Same rich, dark, caramel skin and large dark eyes. His hair was down just brushing his shoulders and it too was the color of dark chocolate and curled gently in waves. I tore my eyes away from him eventually when he noticed me staring at him, he smiled. Totally clueless as to what I was. I smiled back at him, then mentally slapped myself. What was I doing staring open mouthed at this human? This Collin (or copy of Collin) would live, grow old, and die.
He was a human. No exceptions.

I leaned in and drank, the blood that filled my mouth was hot. rich and tasted of pure life and raw energy.
I pulled away reluctantly moments later. I had fed last night as well... and I have control. I left the girl I had found wandering the alley back where I had first come upon her and checked again for a pulse. She was alive still-- she might be weak in the hours to come from blood loss but she would not know what had hit her.
I walked smoothly away and into the night.
Sometimes I hated myself all over again for what I had become, the walking dead, a cruel replica of the girl I used to be... drinking the blood of the living for myself in order to survive my living death. Every now and then I would know that Katelyn was completely gone to me... now only Calla remains.
I started to run back home-- it would not take long for me but longer than usual. Boston to a quiet, rural Ossipee, New Hampshire. A two hour car ride. Not quite as fast as me.
As I ran I thought about art class, the student teacher/Collin lookalike had of course not dropped his totally gorgeous eyes from me, but who wouldn't notice a drop dead beautiful girl (and I mean literally drop DEAD) with skin the color of new fallen snow (a most unusual color for most "normal" humans) with gold-red eyes. Not to mention who I almost never opened her mouth... her shape-shifting abilities tend to drop every now and then exposing small but needle sharp fangs... and that would not be a wonderful time at school now, would it? I would look up every now and then at this student teacher and then turn my head away or look down quickly.
I did not want him to get invloved. I had killed Collin once, there was no way in hell I would do it again.
I wiped a stray trickle of blood off the corner of my mouth as I stepped out onto small porch in the front of my home. A couple felt compelled to adopt me (as in, I used compulsion-- a vampire ability that lets us influence human decisions or just plain control them; I prefer the first one) So now I lived with them. Of course they had no idea what their adoptive daughter was and I simply forced the idea that it was safe for me to be going out alone in the middle of the night.
Of course both of them were sound asleep when I came home so I just slipped up into my bedroom and easily finished the homework I had been given. Again I found my mind slipping back and forth, old Collin, new one, and then new Collin again, and again. Come on! I had to get him out of my head.

I sit down on my bed to think on everything Ella had taught me about being a vampire.
First of all there are some vamp myths I need to get out of the way, some stuff that you may have heard about but is totally not true. First of all we can sleep if we want to-- we have no need to, but if we want, we can slip into a dark dreamless sleep of vampires.
Me, nor any of my kin are afraid of garlic. Sure, it smells awful but try to hurt me with it, and I'll wrinkle my nose and move it aside. We can not die. Please remember that one, and when I say we can not die, I mean for the most part, stab us with a wooden stake, pure silver blades or bullets and your going to be the one who dies. The only way to kill or even remotely hurt us is with a Fey-made blade. But lets face it, there are not many fey left, and not many humans have these kinds of weapons.
Give me a cross, I can shatter it about 1.5 seconds. Holy water? Some priest waved his fingers over it, why should I fear it? Not only that but there is almost nothing unholy about us (besides the fact that we must drink the blood of the living to survive) Some of my kind still go to church, we did not choose to be like this (some of us) and most of us will not kill every time we feed. We live on blood alone, we do not need food. We may even eat food for show but a dead body does not take food very well so we eventually must cough it back up, a nasty little process if I do say so myself.
As I said before almost none of us are Goth (I chose to be because then people tend to think my skin is just some powder I put on to look creepy).
Put me in the sun and I will not burn, melt, fizzle up, etc etc. However, my skin does start to look like glass after a while in the sun. I think it looks pretty cool but I don't think even compulsion would make a parent allow me to skip school every day if it's sunny, and humans have really freaked the last couple of times they saw my totally awesome glass skin. I can hide it pretty easily with some shape shifting magic that most all vampires have.
Oh, that also. Each vampire is gifted one special magical ability after the change. I can read minds pretty well if I do say so myself and I can fly (with out having to change into a bat, good grief I hate Bram Stoker for making that one up, I mean honestly). It's pretty sweet.
No, a vampire's blood is not poison to another vampire. When a vampire drinks another vampire's blood they become stronger, smarter, quicker, and more beautiful than most of the others. They call themselves The Moya.
Moya means "Greater above all else" and that is exactly what they think they are. There are very few, 20 at the most and each one of them would do just about any thing to get a drink from the most powerful vampire (at the moment) Ella. Lucky me and if you have been following along, yes I drank from her which makes me just about the most powerful Moya there is. Fun. A Moya's blood is emerald while a normal vampire's is silver and a Moya's blood is poisonous to a vampire, another of their kind, human, and fey alike. (oh and did I mention our blood lust is about 10 times stronger... so I have way less control on crap like that than your average vamp).
On the issue of the change, it can take place at any time but must be at night and the vampire must be fully fledged, and a Moya's fledglings are always stronger that your normal ones. There is a special case with humans: every now and then a human comes along with a body that thinks it is stronger than a vampire and thinks it can stop changes like this from taking place. As usual the human (and/or its body) is wrong, but it fights the change nonetheless and the human ends up in this ditch between life and death. They finally die coughing up their own blood and bleeding just about every where. Not pretty. One more thing about changes. The vampire changing the human must drink as close to the heart as possible, otherwise you will just kill the poor thing.
Oh and last of all and one of my least favorite myths is that yes we can see our own reflections. It is just misty and barely transparent, like looking at a ghost.
I just can't stand some of the crud humans put out there about vampires.
Last edited by Tabithalillian on Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Living in a tower




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So, I see we are switching back to modern times.
Sweet!!!
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We die, and live, and live and live and just keep on "living".

haha, love this!!!
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He was referring to the light violet shadows that are always under my perfect golden-red eyes.

Okay, what about them? Is there a reason they are there. Or did she just not get enough sleep?
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I have had my heart shattered too many times since my re-birth in to the world of death.

give us an example maybe?
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Because right before me was Collin.

*Gasp!* Oh snap!
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I tore my eyes away from him eventually when he noticed me staring at him, he smiled back.

He smiled back makes me think she had been smiling but after, she says that she smiled back...Oops!
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I left the girl I had found wandering the alley back where I had first come upon her and checked again for a pulse
.
Oh c'mon, girl in the alley. It's so cliche. Get more creative, huh?
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He may think I really really like him or something.

This is a thought coming from a 300 year old vampire? Work on it a little? (sorry if any of this is harsh!)
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Fey-made blade.

That's an unexpected twist. yay!
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quote]with out having to change into a bat,[/quote]
That's actually a shape shifting ability...haha. But it's cool how you threw that in there.
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This is cool....If i was harsh, I'm sorry. But other than what I've already said, I have no complaints.
PM me when you get the next part up!!!!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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I edited it but I am keeping gal in the alley, I adore a good bit of cliche once and a while!
Living in a tower




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I think you caught me off guard a bit, Lillian. (I really do hope that name is okay :? ) At first, I thought I that maybe I was reading the wrong story. But as it went on, I finally understood. I think that the way to fix that is to maybe put a date at the top of the story, saying that you are going back to the present. Or try to come up with an original idea for it. The more you work with it, the better it will get. :wink:

I pulled a black tank and a pair of dark jeans on that morning for school. That whole "all vampires are Goth" thing is a load of crap, but I choose to be a Goth at my school.
For all you know we could be the pink loving preppy kids at yours.


Now, this didn’t really sound like Katelyn/Calla. I think that you might want to go into more detail about Katelyn slowly disappeared and now there was only Calla.

Though we didnt get tired or really need to sleep, the shaddow like things still came, maby to add a little color to our skin. A better camoflage amongst the humans.


Spelling errors here. All of them are in bold. This is what they should be: “didn’t”, “shadow”, “maybe” and “camouflage”.

If I got attached to a human they would eventually grow old and die.


You mention this idea a few paragraphs earlier. Maybe try to combine these two paragraphs into one?

I tore my eyes away from him eventually when he noticed me staring at him, he smiled.


Awkward wording here. Maybe try: I tore my eyes away from him but not before he noticed me staring, smiling knowingly at me. Or something similar to that.

I leaned in and drank, the blood that filled my mouth was hot. rich and tasted of pure life and raw energy.


What? Drinking? I thought she was in art class? Need to make that more clear that she either left, or she lost control and is attacking someone in her class.

I think it looks pretty cool but I don't think even compulsion would make a parent allow me to skip school every day if it's sunny, and humans have really freaked the last couple of times they saw my totally awesome glass skin. I can hide it pretty easily with some shape shifting magic that most all vampires have.


I apologize ahead of time for this. I know this is horrible and I hate it because I totally dislike when people say that my own Poisoned Roses story is similar to the Twilight saga. But this part is totally Stephanie-Meyer-material. This was kind of her signature thing…I mean, if you describe it a different way, than you can totally keep it. But as it is…I’m not sure that’s okay. :? Sorry.

That’s it for now. Keep up the good work!
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~ Joseph Conrad


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Nit-picks

Though we didnt get tired or really need to sleep, the shaddow like things still came, maby to add a little color to our skin.


Though we didn't get tired or really need to sleep, the shad[s]d[/s]ow like things still came, [s]maby[/s] (maybe) to add a little color to our skin. That sentence was a tad sloppy and misspelled.

Because right before me was Collin.


Before I read the rest of the paragraph, that really confused me (as in, how could he still be alive if the narrator is obviously living in recent times?)

His hair was down just brushing his shoulders and it too was the color of dark chocolate and curled gently in waves. I tore my eyes away from him eventually when he noticed me staring at him, he smiled. Totally clueless as to what I was. I smiled back at him, then mentally slapped myself. What was I doing staring open mouthed at this human? This Collin (or copy of Collin) would live, grow old, and die.
He was a human. No exceptions.

I leaned in and drank, the blood that filled my mouth was hot. rich and tasted of pure life and raw energy.
I pulled away reluctantly moments later. I had fed last night as well... and I have control. I left the girl I had found wandering the alley back where I had first come upon her and checked again for a pulse. She was alive still-- she might be weak in the hours to come from blood loss but she would not know what had hit her.


Whooooah, you completely lost me there. Is she out of school (or in school) drinking blood?

Rest of the Review

What has happened in the narrator's life in the past 300 years? She seems like a completely new person (I definitely understand why she'd be different), but not much of her personality seemed to stay intact in modern times. I also would've thought that she wouldn't have completely changed her dialouge (it's dramatically different from 1700s dialouge. But then again, it's just me.)

300 years ago, she used to be vain and a little snobby. Did she gain empathy over the years since she became a vampire? It doesn't really seem like she did, from the matter-of-factly way she described her views of humans now. Also, there are a few things you added into the story that are very Twilight-esque (bruises under eyes, special powers) but I don't mind at all that these vampires are beautiful (ha, I'm a total sucker for beautiful vamp stories, I'll never get sick of them.)

I like the idea of the Moya. Are they basically the hierchary (sp??) of vampires? They sound really interesting - I hope they play a big role in the story.

I'm really sorry if this review seemed harsh, but I just wanted to let you know of what I thought about this chapter. After all, practice makes perfect (well, as close as humans can get to perfect) and ego-stroking/ego-bashing reviews suck ^-^

I hope this review helped out is some shape or form and good luck!
Music is like candy, you have to throw away the wrappers ^-^

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