Adonis

divine contrast:
the dark tones of your skin,
against a butter yellow polo.

strung tightly:
the strings of your racket,
an extension of your arm
beautiful by association.

(also me,
when I watch you.)

pulsing wildly:
my young heart,
pounding beneath asymmetrical breasts.

(also you,
in your element.)

streamlined muscles:
every inch of you,
trained and strained
perfection.

recurring fantasy:
you, striding across the court,
glance back to smile at me.

This was an okay poem. Part of it was really good while the other wasn't so good. I got confused somewhere in between, and then lost track. I also think it should have had a bit more rhythm, it was actually pretty awkward at some points.

divine contrast:
the dark tones of your skin,
against a butter yellow polo.[quote]

This line for example starts out nice, but ends with 'butter yellow polo.'That to me just doesn't fit. Overall I think we should expect something great from you. I liked your style and hope that you continue to write.

P.S. remember to get 2 reviews before you post again.

-Moonlight

This is really interesting.
I liked this the second time around - the first time, I completely misread it. Let me demonstrate, so perhaps you can clarify for other silly people like me.

Monarch wrote:strung tightly:
the strings of your racket,
an extension of your arm
beautiful by association.

(also me,
when I watch you.)

When I read this, I associated those two lines rather than the "strung tightly" part.

pulsing wildly:
my young heart,
pounding beneath asymmetrical breasts.

(also you,
in your element.)

You have all these depictions of this beautiful athletic human, and yes, it's all very sensual, but asymmetrical breasts? While this may be an anatomically correct statement for lots of women (heck, men even), it's still uncomfortable imagery, even if it's supposed to be a contrast, but that's probably just me being weird (I guess it's the same reason I don't like reading Sylvia Plath).

This was more awkward the first time I read it because I was, again, associating the two lines I have bolded rather than the "pulsing wildly." I was wondering why this paramour of a lithe, athletic person was suddenly being compared to asymmetrical breasts. I think it's just because they're set on opposite edges of the stanzas - unfortunately, I can't really suggest a way to edit this without chopping it up completely.

Again, a very interesting poem, and I enjoyed it. Would love to see some more of your stuff (but make sure you keep a 3:1 ratio of reviews to posted material).

EDIT: Looking at this when it's not 1:00 in the morning, I'm sort of unsure how I misread it the first time... so I don't know if that's even really valid commentary. If you can find an easy way to clarify that, do; if you can't, don't.
EDIT 2: Looking at this when it's not 1:00 or 5:00 in the morning, I have corrected my weird spelling mistakes. (Sorry.)

hello monarch, i will like to say that that was a good one coming from you as a new member. your poem was quite intresting, and impressive. i love your good use of phrases an constructiveness of your poetry. i also appreciate the good use of structure and good language ability.

welcome to Yws it is a wonderfull site, i am also a new member trying to get used to this nice website. feel free to review other's work and criticize.

i am praisejoe, a nigerian and probably the only one on the site.

thanks

cheers

Please talk about the piece in question in critiques...they are not places to advertise your own work! Love, Poetry Crew.