Drew Morrison

Down in the valley
In a small, quiet town
The wind rolls lazy
Through broken windchimes

The shops and the stores
Are open but empty
And a few people walk
Down the dusty old streets

The cast of this town
Like Molly the book-keeper
And there’s Fred the horse man
Who’s long lost his horses

There’s Dave, who sits
In front of the rusty bike shop
Smoking cigars and pipes
Reading last year’s paper

And poor Max the banker
Never seen a penny or client
So he sighs behind his desk
And sips welfare coffee

There’s Sally the house-wife
And Vince her old husband
Their minds on their children
Long since left home

The town in the valley
Down, down in the valley
With no name to claim
And so frozen in time

Then one day he came
He came to the town
That had lost his name
The day Drew Morrison came

He wore a trench coat that fell
All the way down to his knee
They wondered, they did, on who he could be
Someone different, they whispered
Different than Vince or Molly or Max
Different than Sally or Dave or Fred
Different than all the things
That the nameless town had

Drew wasn’t rich, and he wasn’t a tourist
He was simply Drew Morrison
Black hair and green eyes
But things were different

And on the day the Drew Morrison came
Everything changed, in the town with no name
And nothing was ever the same
The day Drew Morrison came

I kind of like this, it gave a sense of mystery which, I think greatly added to the poem. Also, it makes the reader want to find out who this person really is. I think you also did a fine job in describing the town and telling how deserted it is or was so, good job.

I, of course, really liked this. A few little pointers, just so I'm helpful for once instead of only completely gushing (though I'm sure you can't mind that too terribly....)

The town in valley
Down, down in the valley

I'm not sure if you meant to put a "the" in the first line or if it was on purpose. Either way, just checking.

All the way down to his knee
They wondered, they did, on who he could be

These two lines rhyme, but the rest of the poem doesn't.

That's all... I'm done. Just a few things and I've had my say. I'll shut up now.
Other than that, I really really liked it (no surprise there, but I'm being honest with you now.)
I would agree with person who commented before me... it was mysterious.



Guess Who?

Different than Vince or Molly or Max

Different than Sally or Dave or Fred

Different than all the things

That the nameless town had

Very deftly done there. One thing I would ask of you: what are you really trying to say about names here? You've got more than a handful of names, Drew Morrison being the most prominent, and yet the town is 'nameless.' It feels like you're skirting on the verge of something that could be quite powerful, but not quite delivering.

Regardless, you do a good job of conjuring up a sense of locale and atmosphere. I felt like I was in a Western and everything.

You've got more than a handful of names, Drew Morrison being the most prominent, and yet the town is 'nameless.'

the reason the town is "nameless" yet everyone in that town has a name is because their lives are so insignifigant, sad and to a certain extent, pointless, that they might as well not have names.

Also, Drew Morrison, if you'll notice, is also the only one with a last name.

I see! You cleared this up extremely well. I did notice Drew Morrison's surname, but I didn't make the connections you did because to me a last name was still a name -- well, actually, in fact a last name is still a name. Having said that, I don't see how you can avoid this conundrum without losing some of the haunting and precise quality present in the work, so I'll leave you to it.

My more major piece of advice to you is to not stop writing. Seriously, don't ever stop. When I was 15 I felt like I would never stop and that people were silly to tell me such obvious things, but life slowly got in the way. There were papers to write and dogs to feed and sleep to catch up on and reality TV to be addicted to. Now, trying to get back into the swing of things is arduous. It's coming along, but it's very hard. So please keep practising, because you've got something special. But you already know that.

Comments would be appreciated on topic35536.html if you have a minute to spare, by the way. They've been a bit sparse, i.e. non-existent to date.

you do have something special. but if anyone knew that, i would.