Earth is my Hell-edited

The waves are crashing on the beach.
It's a bright day,
but all i see is darkness.
It washes over me,
takes hold,
and won't let go.

I see all the couples
walking in the sand
without a care in the world.
Seeing this makes me miss you.
It stabs,
at my already sore heart.

I want to see your face.
Your soft, glowing face,
with a smile like an angel.

I want to hear your voice.
Your inviting voice
that made my head spin.

As the tears spill down my face,
like a river to the sea,
I think of how lucky
Heaven is to have you.
But now,
the Earth is my Hell.


ok, i am in complete awarness of how much work this poem needs. if you could please let me know what you think and help me out that would be great i know it needs work, but i can't figure out how to fix it. there are awkward parts and such, i just don't know what to do about it.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!

the poem is good but lacks some vital "things". first off, im not feeling all that much emotion. the words are there but their meaning is empty. the poem lacks what the title holds. as i understnad it the poem is to be somewhat dark and sad. parts of what you have written is taking away from this and making the reader lose interest. why should i care? make me care, make me feel what you are feeling!

Sportgurl46 wrote:The waves are crashing on the beach,
The boats are dancing in the water (good personification but doesnt give to the poem.)
My nose burns from the smell
of the salty sea air. (this stanza is a little insignificant, and takes away from the original intent. i would suggest that if you want to set the setting to make it more intense and make it relate to your emotions. make the setting your emotion.)

I see all the couples
walking in the sand
without a care in the world.
Seeing this makes me miss you
with a pain beyond belief (a little forced)

I want to see your face.
Your soft, sweet, glowing face (too many adjectives that hold empty meaning. i can see this face.)
that made me smile,
even on the worst of days.

I want to hear your voice.
Your inviting, joyful, silk smooth voice (too many adjectives. if i were to pick ONE it would be "inviting")
that made my head spin.
The voice that gave me happiness
with every word. (these last two lines are too bland. i dont get a sense of happiness, it feels like a forced comment.)

As the tears run down my face,
like a river to the sea, (this is good but maybe use a different word from "run")
I think of how lucky
Heaven is to have you.
But now,
the Earth is my Hell,
Because you are not by my side. (this last line could use some "spicing up". feels to casual and predictable.)

i hoped that this helped. i dont mean to cut you down but rather point out your weaknesses. this poem is good but with a little re writting you can make it awe-inspiring! Please PM me if you have any questions or just want to chat!! Keep up the good work and strive for the best!

Hey sporty!

Okay, I really liked this. I like how you compared the Earth to Hell since your lover's gone... but may I suggest a title change? Instead of 'Earth and Hell' why not 'Earth is my Hell'? I think it would describe this poem a lot better.

While I did love this poem for it's topic, I must say Dark Star has a bit of a point on the emotion. There is something about this that makes me sad and feel for someone that's not you. I feel like your telling me someone else's story, so the emotion isn't from directly from the person who's hurting... more like from someone who's heard of it and feels great sympathy.
I don't know if that made sense, so feel free to PM me on anything about my review.

So, I disagree on not caring. I do care. I just want to hear the story from the person themselves.

Let's see if this review can help.

Sportgurl46 wrote:The waves are crashing on the beach,
The boats are dancing in the water
My nose burns from the smell
of the salty sea air.
Hmm... I don't see the point of this intro. No, that's not it. I don't see why you made this the intro. After reading a couple times, I think this would fit better as Stanza 3, and everything else stays put.

I see all the couples
walking in the sand
without a care in the world.
Seeing this makes me miss you
with a pain beyond belief
Remember your punctuation! And 'without a care in the world' is unnecessary... try cutting that out.

I want to see your face.
Your soft, sweet, glowing face
that made me smile,
even on the worst of days.
Awkward wording and structure. How 'bout:
I want to see your face;
your soft, sweet, glowing face
that made me smile.
No need for the last line.

I want to hear your voice.
Your inviting, joyful, silk smooth voice
that made my head spin.
The voice that gave me happiness
with every word.
'The voice that gave me happiness...' yeah, this is awkward too. How 'bout writing the stanza like this:
I want to hear your voice;
your inviting, joyful, silk smooth voice
that made my head spin.
No need for the last two lines.

As the tears run down my face,
like a river to the sea,
I think of how lucky
Heaven is to have you.
But now,
the Earth is my Hell,
Because you are not by my side.
The last line ruins the ending. Get rid of it. As a matter of fact, try making 'But now, the Earth is my Hell,' one line, and in it's own stanza. I think that will make it more powerful.


ok, i am in complete awarness of how much work this poem needs. if you could please let me know what you think and help me out that would be great i know it needs work, but i can't figure out how to fix it. there are awkward parts and such, i just don't know what to do about it.
PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!

Hope I helped.

wow...that is soo much better!!!so much more powerful and just overwelming with emotion!! the first stanza is 110% better then before and all the little changes that you made brought your poem from from here ↓ to here ↑. i am very impressed! absolutly amazing job. love the poem

thank you sooo much that means so much to me
*little tear* *hides face before anyone can see*

your welcome...any time! =]

It really is a lot better. I love how you take criticism.

I still think the last line should be removed though... it isn't a strong ending in my opinion.

I like it a lot! it is really deep and i can almost feel the pain that ur hart is pulsing out! It makes the poem have a life of it's own! i really really like it! I love how u describe everything so clearly and it just makes total cents to meh!

But i am a really deep thinker so.........evrything makes cents to meh! hee hee! umm um um... i think that's it! Keep dreaming, exagerating,writing,reading,singing,dancing,watching,smiling! JUST KEEP LIVING!

This is a nice poem, but to be truely contructive I have to comment that the last lines don't really flow with the rest. It's clear that your trying, and as the other comments have stated...Improving. But you haven't quit reached it yet. If this were my work, I'd reword the last lines, to help them fit better. Part of good poetry is making each line fit. Kind of like a puzzle, you understand right? Other than that this is a well written poem