Lonely Hearts-A Preface

~Okay, so I had no idea if YWS published free verse stories and so I had to ask. If "other" fiction doesn't apply to this, then tell me and I'll move it. Otherwise negatives reviews are welcomed! Oh, and enjoy. ~

I ran.
And that's all I did.
I ran from what was right. In my life.

I didn't care. Whatsoever.
He was all I cared about.
I knew he called for me
at night
when the moon was
out and about.

For I longed
to be with him.
And all it's possibilities.

Nothing could stop me,
for being with him.
I opened
the rusty, old gate
and crept through
the wild gardens.

Time.
It was probably midnight.
But I didn't care,
what would happen in the morning.

I held onto the cold doorknob
and regret
swam all through me,
like a confused child.

My next movement
could probably change
my life.
Forever.

I instead pushed open the door
and was blown away
from the
bright chandelier's lights.

Everything inside
looked like a
picture from the past.
The moment I stepped
onto the clearing
everything about me changed.
I was now wearing
a short black dress.

Walking farther into the room,
I saw a floor length
mirror.

Was that really me?
Did I really have
wavy
ash
blond hair
and blood
red lips?

Or was my
imagination
creeping
back into my thoughts?

I looked at
the mirror
differently
And saw him.
I didn't
move
one
inch.
He walked
swiftly,
smiling,
that
perfect
smile of his.
He came up
from behind
me.

“Gracie.”
He slowly
whispered
into my ear.

I closed
my eyes.

A few special
moments passed
by.
With him putting
light
kisses
down my throat.

I felt
like I was
going to
die.

Time passed
quickly.

He turned me around.
He looked sexier
than before.

“So beautiful.”
He grazed my cheek
with his warm hand.

I closed my eyes
once more.
I felt his soft
lips upon mine.

A moment passes
and we pull away.

He looks me in
the eye.
I know it is
time.

“Come.”
I gave him my hand.
He led me upstairs.

Whoa! This is really good. Very touching/moving, whatever it's called. You did an excelent job with the visual, I could picture it.

Walking father

farther, not father. little nit pick.
That's it for nit picks.

“So beautiful.”
He grazed my cheek
with his warm hand.

Favorite part!!!

I love the way you ended it. Great job. It does sound like Untouched a little. Weird, huh?

wow. this was good. it was very moving, and the way you wrote it (format) caught my eye!

i liked the part where you wrote something about how this decision could change her life forever. but then she does it anyways. awesome!!

Very deep, Merry. I really enjoy this style of yours. It is so different, so refreshing. Very nice

My only concern is that sometimes, if you read it out loud, it gets kind of choppy in some of the sentences because it looks like you should stop and start a new sentence with every line, but you don’t because it’s free verse. My only suggestion is to try and read through to see if you can make any of your sentences smoother.

Otherwise, it was really good!

On to read more

mistakes: farther not father.

i"m praise and i sincerely love the way you wrote your poem. it was intresting and captivating i also love the way the poem ended. quite a good job done with your poem.

thanks.
'
cheers

Wow I really loved this free verseb fiction, unique way of writing it, that I havnt seen before. I especially liked

Did I really have
wavy
ash
blond hair
and blood
red lips?

and the other descriptions, as they let each detail sink in before moving on to the next one, which I found effective, compared to something that would read horizontal.

The repitition of the time was good too, and I liked how the first time

Time.
It was probably midnight.
But I didn't care,
what would happen in the morning.

that it cut in, which was suprising and good.

~Flora