Alexandrite

I have been playing around with this idea and I really need some input and critiques. Thanks.
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Chapter One



"Yes, I'll take that one please," she said as she pointed at a pure and beautiful alexandrite ring. It was sparkling in the bright Sunday sunlight. She hoped it was expensive, her mother told her not to try to spend too much today. Anything that would irk her mother she would do it. The vender nodded as he pulled the ring out from behind the glass case.

He started to hand it over the counter to the young women. She had to be around the age of eighteen he thought, much too young for the burden she was about to carry. She flashed him a brilliant smile oblivious to the trouble he was about to put her into. But he wanted to get rid of it, and to him that was all that mattered.

"Because I am feeling generous I will give it to you as a gift. I never liked the thing anyway, much too flashy for anyone I know." The young lady tried to protest but he ignored it as he slipped it into a case to keep it safe. Not like it needed the protection, nothing could damage it. He placed it into the women's hands. Finally he had gotten rid of it, his troubles were finally over. The vender watched her walk away relieved.

The girl was surprised, why had the man just given it to her? It was extremely rare and valuable. She had expected to pay at least fifty silver coins for it. She had tried to give him money but he wouldn't take it, she hated for things to be handed to her...

"Aideen, are you ready to go?" her mother had interrupted her thoughts, a common occurrence lately. Her mother had snuck up behind her again.

"Yes, just a moment please." She had decided that she was going to go back to the man that had sold her the ring and demand that he take a payment from her. Aideen found to her surprise that the booth was empty. How was that possible to pack up so quickly?

Oh well, she thought to herself, his loss. She made her way back to her mother. No doubt that there would be another man waiting for her at home. To everyone else she was the daughter of a rich and successful merchant. No man had ever asked her of an opinion, just looked at her like a golden trophy that was much wanted. Her mother was always greedy looking for some way to advance her and her family though the social ranks.

"So what did you get today darling?" her mother asked her.

Aideen answered calling her mother by her first name, knowing that she was uncomfortable with it.

"Nothing much, Keera, just a ring, nothing else really caught my eye." As Aideen expected her mother winced as she said her name.

"Well come along lets get out of this market, I have had enough for today and there is a rather nice gentleman at home waiting to make your acquaintance.

It was a windy day and her hair kept getting in her eyes. Aideen shook her head impatiently, setting her long blonde locks in motion. It caught the light just right, making her look even prettier. Her mother set her arm around Aileen's waist and set for home.

The ride back to the house did not take long but it was dusty from the bumpy dirt roads. After they came to a stop, Aideen observed her home with didain. It was a mansion, a beautiful home with ivy leaves climbing up the sides. It appeared peaceful and birds sang from the oaks that stood around her house. She looked at the balcony that connected to her room, it had white railing all around the sides and a rocking chair for Aideen to sit in while she read. Overall it was the normal house for anyone that wealthy.

Keera sent her daughter up to her room to freshen up. The visitor was actually a prince, one of several in line for the throne. He was the seventh son of the King and was low on the priority list to becoming King. Keera had worked hard to make sure the prince had seen her daughter. Any man that had set their eyes on Aideen never ignored her. There could be a chance that with a little manipulation that she could set that prince next to the throne if all went well with her daughter.

Just as Aideen had finished she heard the horses pounding hooves pull to a stop. She peeked out her window, and sure enough there was a young man there on a pure white horse. She was annoyed. Everyone had shown up riding a white horse, thinking it romantic, but she thought it was idiotic, and so cliche. She walked back over to her wooden chest, and brought out the ring. Her mother always wanted her to look her best.

She thought that the ring would be a nice finishing touch to her mint green dress she was wearing; she slipped the ring she had gotten earlier that day out of the pouch and put it on her slender finger. She noticed that the ring seemed to tighten on her after she put it on but ignored it. It had to be her imagination playing tricks on her again. Maybe she needed to lay off the storybooks.

Her mother would agree, she thought it was improper for Aideen to read books at all. Aideen’s mother argued that with her looks she would never need an education. Thank God her father insisted that she have an education, or she would not have got one. She decided to look down though just to make sure.

Aideen looked down at the ring and turned her hand to see it glimmer and she felt like she was falling, falling into nothing, getting pulled into darkness.

The girl was surprised, why had the man just given it to her?

You need a period, not a comma. You do this in a few other places took, but I'll leave them for you to find.

"Aideen, are you ready to go?" her mother had interrupted her thoughts, a common occurrence lately.

You didn't acknowledge her entrance, so I was surprised to hear her talk.

Oh well, she thought to herself, his loss. She made her way back to her mother. No doubt that there would be another man waiting for her at home. To everyone else she was the daughter of a rich and successful merchant. No man had ever asked her of an opinion, just looked at her like a golden trophy that was much wanted. Her mother was always greedy looking for some way to advance her and her family though the social ranks.

..........

"Well come along lets get out of this market, I have had enough for today and there is a rather nice gentleman at home waiting to make your acquaintance.

When you said there would probably be a boy at home, it felt a little unnatural. It would fit much better if you mentioned how often it happened after she's told there's a guy waiting for her.

The ride back to the house did not take long but it was dusty from the bumpy dirt roads. When they got to their stone two story house, Keera sent her daughter up to her room to freshen up. The visitor was actually a prince, one of several in line for the throne. Keera had worked hard to make sure the prince had seen her. Any man that had set their eyes on Aideen never ignored her. There could be a chance that with a little manipulation that she could set that prince next to the throne if all went well with her daughter.

I think the description of the house was a little lacking. All we know is that it's a two story, stone house. Other than that, we don't know anything else about it. Also, why would a prince be after Aideen? Don't they usually marry into other royalty? She may be rich, but no where near the wealth and power of a princess.

She descended in a swirl of rainbow colors. Aideen came to a halt as her feet lightly touched the ground. Glancing at her surroundings Aideen noticed that she was in the middle of a forest. There was a gigantic tree to her right that was in full bloom, bright pink littering the deep green leaves. A light breeze blew past her. She wondered if she had fallen asleep. That had to be the case, she reasoned with herself.

She accepted what happened too quickly. There wasn't even a mention of shock. It was just immediately dubbed a dream.

“I am Caryn keeper and protector of these forests. You are obviously not around these parts, do you need help?”

You mean 'You are obviously not from around these parts...' The way you said it made it sound like she said she wasn't even there.

Aideen thought about the offer, this was a strange world and she certainly needed help, could Caryn possibly get her back home?

Didn't she already decide this was a dream? You didn't once mention her doubt.

Overall this was an interesting story. It was easy to read and went along well, but I have a couple other things to say.
1) It moved to quickly along for my tastes.
2) You need to describe the people, their surroundings, and what happens more.

Other than that, though, I liked it. Good luck with the rest of it.

Thanks for that critique, I have now edited it. Hope you like the improved version.

Thanks, I edited it now. Please let me know if you find anything else, also let me have your opinion on what you think. Please, I really need feedback.

She hoped it was expensive, her mother told her not to try to spend too much today.

This sentence is actually grammatically incorrect. It’s what we call a comma splice, where you link up to independent sentences (incorrectly) with a comma.

Both parts of this sentence (before and after the comma) could stand on their own, so they should be independent sentences. In other words, the comma should be a period. In a sentence, one or more parts of the sentence should be dependant on another part. When no parts are dependant, you have a comma splice.

There are a couple of ways around this though. You could change the comma to a semi-colon (this thing: , or else add in the word ‘as’ before ‘her mother’. Notice how adding in the word ‘as’ makes it so that the second part of the sentence can’t exist on its own.

Example:

‘I like cheese, apples are awesome.’ = comma splice.

‘I like cheese. Apples are awesome.’ = correct.
‘I like cheese; apples are awesome.’ = correct.

‘I like cheese, and apples are awesome.’ = correct.
‘As I like cheese, so too are apples awesome.’ = correct.

(Notice how in the last two examples at least one half of the sentence wouldn’t make any sense on its own. ‘As I like cheese.’ As a single sentence this makes no sense, for example.)

Anything that would irk her mother she would do it.

This is awkwardly phrased. Personally, I’d write it as:

Anything that would irk her mother, she would do.

She flashed him a brilliant smile oblivious to the trouble he was about to put her into.

I’d add in a comma after ‘smile’.

Not like it needed the protection, nothing could damage it.

You have another comma splice here.

He placed it into the women's hands.

You want the single, which is ‘woman’ (as in: one woman), as opposed to the plural, which is ‘women’ (as in: multiple women).

The girl was surprised, why had the man just given it to her?

Comma splice. =)

She had tried to give him money but he wouldn't take it, she hated for things to be handed to her…

Comma splice. =)

How was that possible to pack up so quickly?

I’m thinking ‘How was IT possible to pack up so quickly?’ makes more sense here.

Her mother was always greedy looking for some way to advance her and her family though the social ranks.

Hm, this doesn’t make much sense. Do you perhaps mean:

Her mother was always greedily looking for some way to advance her and her family though the social ranks.

Aideen answered calling her mother by her first name, knowing that she was uncomfortable with it.

This could do with a comma after ‘answered’.

She looked at the balcony that connected to her room, it had white railing all around the sides and a rocking chair for Aideen to sit in while she read.

You’re probably getting tired of me saying this now, but:

comma splice.

=)


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Anyway, I enjoyed this. I’m interested in seeing what direction you’re going to take this ‘cursed ring’ mythos in.

Keep on writing. =)


-- Sureal

I found this first chapter to be very interesting. I am very curious to see what comes of the ring, and a good writer makes you curious. (Yes that was a comliment I definately would like to read some more of this to see where its going. Unfortunatley most of the grammer and puncuation was already pointed out, and i'm not the best at noticing these things anyways, but overall, a good first chapter.
PM me when more is out please!

Thanks, I'll do that!

[Quote=
"Yes, I'll take that one please," she said as she pointed at a pure and beautiful alexandrite ring. It was sparkling in the bright Sunday sunlight. She hoped it was expensive, her mother told her not to try to spend too much today. Anything that would irk her mother she would do it. The vender nodded as he pulled the ring out from behind the glass case.

He started to hand it over the counter to the young women. She had to be around the age of eighteen he thought, much too young for the burden she was about to carry. She flashed him a brilliant smile oblivious to the trouble he was about to put her into. But he wanted to get rid of it, and to him that was all that mattered.

"Because I am feeling generous I will give it to you as a gift. I never liked the thing anyway, much too flashy for anyone I know." The young lady tried to protest but he ignored it as he slipped it into a case to keep it safe. Not like it needed the protection, nothing could damage it. He placed it into the women's hands. Finally he had gotten rid of it, his troubles were finally over. The vender watched her walk away relieved.=Quote]


This makes me a little bit confused. I cant seem to find a single plce where you complete the highlighted area. Also, I think vender is supposed to be spelt vendor. That's all. Good job.

Alright. I have some advice for you. First, it's REALLY hard to write anything that sounds like a fairy tale, because honestly, most of the original stuff is done. So you either have to work really hard to make something good, or you have to go the Gail Carson Levine way and make what I call a messed up fairy tale. These are like Ella Enchanted, Just Ella -- basically parodies of the real thing. The only really good fairy tale I've read that isn't strictly based off of a pre-existing tale is Once Upon a Marigold, by Jean Ferris.
So my advice is (and keep in mind I've only read chapter one) is to get rid of all that cliche stuff. Gowns, annoying mother, two story stone house, princes on white horses, get rid of it! You want your main character to seem bored with the every day privileged life, but you're boring your readers as well. Make it unique! Yes, your main character needs to be beautiful, but maybe put her in some more interesting conditions. Right now it sounds like the average beginning to a fairy tale. Make it exciting! Personalize it! But don't forget to be true to your style, your characters, and your story. If you achieve that you will have created something grand.
Also, personally I prefer time-period language. It's up to you, but choose time-period or modern, and stick to it. This definitely has potential for another draft.

This is a very old piece of mine. Thank you for editing it though. Yes, I am a huge fan of Levine. In fact i have read and own several of her books. I need to definately edit this but ah time eludes me. Anyways thanks again for the reviews, I'll definately take then into tohught when editing this (eventually) but I will get to it.

Ooh, nice job on this one, Kaylyn very good. A few nitpicky things:

"Yes, I'll take that one please,"

You need a comma after "one".

She hoped it was expensive, her mother told her not to try to spend too much today. Anything that would irk her mother she would do it.

You need to add a "had" between "mother" and "told". Also, the second sentence needs a dash after "mother", but if I were you, I would leave it out altogether. It's a bit excessive, especially since you've already pointed this out in your previous sentence.

The vender nodded as he pulled the ring out from behind the glass case.

It's spelled "vendor".

He started to hand it over the counter to the young women.

How come sometimes you write "women" and sometimes you write "woman"? "Woman" is appropriate, because you haven't described any other people being there.

She had to be around the age of eighteen he thought, much too young for the burden she was about to carry.

Comma after "eighteen". You might want to emphasise that the ring is not actually a burden (ie; heavy) but the responsibility, etc. that comes with it. I would do this by adding "he handed over the ring anyway" as a new sentence (or something to that effect).

She flashed him a brilliant smile oblivious to the trouble he was about to put her into.

Comma after "smile". You are confusing whose point of view it is here. Even though it is in third person, there is still a point of view, and you are constantly jumping from the woman to the vendor.

But he wanted to get rid of it, and to him that was all that mattered.

If he only wanted to be rid of the ring, why did he care if she was too young for the 'burden'?

"Because I am feeling generous I will give it to you as a gift.

Comma after "generous".

The young lady tried to protest but he ignored it as he slipped it into a case to keep it safe.

Isn't it that he was ignoring her? What's the "it" he would be ignoring?

The vender watched her walk away relieved.

Not gonna point out what I already have done previously. Comma after "away".

The girl was surprised, why had the man just given it to her?

You would do better to put a full stop instead of a comma. It would provide the best transition from the action and then her thoughts.

She had tried to give him money but he wouldn't take it, she hated for things to be handed to her...

You would probably want to split this into two sentences at the comma, too.

"Aideen, are you ready to go?" her mother had interrupted her thoughts, a common occurrence lately.

Switching tense! Be careful. Take out the "had".

"Yes, just a moment please."

Comma after "moment".

No man had ever asked her of an opinion, just looked at her like a golden trophy that was much wanted.

I would cut this sentence out altogether. It's excessive and a bit egotistical.

Her mother was always greedy looking for some way to advance her and her family though the social ranks.

Comma after "greedy" and you might want to change "her and her family" to "herself and her family".

"So what did you get today darling?"

Comma after "today".

Aideen answered calling her mother by her first name, knowing that she was uncomfortable with it.


"Nothing much, Keera, just a ring, nothing else really caught my eye." As Aideen expected her mother winced as she said her name.

You can cut the first sentence, the one after the dialogue is more than enough to tell us that.

The ride back to the house did not take long but it was dusty from the bumpy dirt roads. After they came to a stop, Aideen observed her home with didain.

It's "disdain", but I suspect that was a typo.

Overall it was the normal house for anyone that wealthy.

"Anyone this wealthy." Again, you're confusing points of view, but I would probably cut this sentence.

He was the seventh son of the King and was low on the priority list to becoming King.

Repeating "King" makes this sentence sit awkwardly. Might want to change "becoming King" to "becoming his successor", because we know that you mean the King's successor.

Everyone had shown up riding a white horse, thinking it romantic, but she thought it was idiotic, and so cliche.

Cliched.

She walked back over to her wooden chest, and brought out the ring.

No comma, this time, and I don't recall her putting the ring away.

She thought that the ring would be a nice finishing touch to her mint green dress she was wearing; she slipped the ring she had gotten earlier that day out of the pouch and put it on her slender finger.

Overuse of the word "ring". There is only one ring in question so the "she had gotten earlier that day" is irrelevant.

Her mother would agree, she thought it was improper for Aideen to read books at all.

Probably a full stop instead of the comma.

Aideen looked down at the ring and turned her hand to see it glimmer and she felt like she was falling, falling into nothing, getting pulled into darkness.

The "getting pulled into darkness" is a bit of a weak ending. If you put it after the first "falling", it might sit better, but I would cut it.

Other than that stuff (which was mostly just commas and typos - nothing major) the story sounds promising, if a little cliched. Good luck with it!