untitled

Its about my ex-boyfriend who was a total a-hole... yeh and whenever he told me he got this girl pregnant, i felt i couldnt trust him. then i discovered he wasnt all that interested in me at all and only wanted one thing...

Im more than just a figure.
Dont love me for my smile,
Im more than just a body,
Talk to me for a while.

You think I'll laugh at all your jokes,
and let you hold me close,
Just so you can show me off,
and to your friends, you'll boast...

its only the first draft but i'll let you see the good copy when i do it. tell me what you think.

It seems like a start, although I'm sure you could develop this a lot more. ^_^ It's also awkward in some places, but I'm sure you can fix that by re-wording on the second draft. Also, be careful not to make this cliche. I know it's based on real events, but that won't stop it from becoming angsty and overly-dramatic unless you really take time to express the emotions in a way that is uniquely yours. So anyways, I would spend some serious time on this, so you can give justice to your feelings.

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

its a good start. as said above it could be more developed. but for what you have right now it is very good. it flows pretty well and gives strong emotion. the ryhming is also good and adds to the effect. as for what it is about, im sorry that that happened to you. but you put your thought and emotions into it which made it relistic and powerful. great job!!

You seem to be pretty clear on what this poem's about... so why no title? A title is something that summarizes your piece in a quick and short way, right? I haven't read it yet, but I just wanted to say this. Even if it probably isn't an attention grabber, no work is ever deserved to be called "Untitled" because it's always about something... even if it has random crap, you could always title it "Random Crap". Unless of course, there's a reason for it being named that.

Now let's get to reading your poem, shall we?

You are good at rhyming and your structure is great, but this is very undeveloped. I understand this is a first graph, so I'd love to see how you've done on the final one.

Here are some nitpicks/tips:
Remember "Im" has an apostrophe, so it's spelled "I'm".
"Dont" also has an apostrophe, "Don't".
Work on your punctuation.

and to your friends, you'll boast...

There's no need for an ellipse (...).

But, you do have nice and precise (haha! That rhymed! ) word choice, and like I said, your structure and rhyming is great.

PM me when you get the final draft up!