The girl with the wild look in her eye

This is my first ever attemt at poetry, so pleas be a mean as u like while rating


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At first my life was without meaning
‘Till that quiet Sunday evening
For that was when I saw a ting
More precious than a diamond ring
She took my soul and let it fly
That girl with the wild look in her eye

Suddenly the day was lighter
And the sun shined all the brighter
My life was over…
Had just begun
My heart pounded like a drum
And I felt that I could fly
Alongside the girl with the wild look in her eye

Her hair was starlight woven
Her voice was heaven spoken
Her smile was elven sly
That girl with the wild look in her eye

Oh the tales I could have tolled
Of her adventures strong and bold
And I always by her side
Oh the girl with the wild look in her eye

I followed her to ends of earth
And always found tears not mirth
For her feelings weren’t same as mine
The girl with the wild look in her eye

She never tolled me
Never did
It was always that aura she’d emit
My life’s meaning went awry
All because of the girl with the wild look in her eye

In the end I couldn’t stand
My heart buried in the sand
Of one I loved
Who did not me
Why oh why could not she see
The pain that made my body stiff
Somehow she found me near a cliff
Ready to jump but not to fly
For her the girl with the wild look in her eye

At once she said that I was mad
To keep myself in pain so bad
To forget my love for her
To go and find a new suitor
She did not know
How could she guess?
The pain the suffering the sadness

I jumped…

With that I said my last goodbye
To the girl with the wild look in her eye…

This was actually... It stunned me because I liked it so much. I'm not a fan of those long poems, and expecially not those that are like.. rather long but this really kept me reading and I think you found a great idea here - not very original but all the more delightful.

A few pointers though;

"For that was when I saw a ting" I dont know if this was a typo or not, or whether you were writing in an accent, so you should either change it to "thing" or "t'ing", just so the read knows. I loved the first two lines of your poem - that flow was spot on!

"Suddenly the day was lighter... And the sun shined all the brighter" This kind of got jumbled about with a lack of syllables to make it fit in with the rest of the flow, so I think you need to add a couple more to the first line of this stanza.

"Alongside the girl with the wild look in her eye" in the last lines of each of your stanzas, where you mention this wild look, you tend to have crammed too many syllables for it to work with the flow and rhythm of the poem. I think you need to look this over.

"She never tolled me" You made a typo here; "tolled" should be told. I think you make this twice

This was a good piece, but it's lacking on punctuation. You need to add some here and there to give the poem those pauses that make it seem more theatrical and worthwhile to read. I'd give you pointers, but this is also, not my strong point. Other than that, op marks!

Happy writing!

How cute is this?!

I loved it. This was a very a very good attempt at poetry... I find it hard to be mean. This is a very cliche subject, but there's something about this that makes me love it and not go "Bleh, it's another one!".

I agree with Sunshine with her nitpicks and overall impression: this is very entertaining and delightful. But you do need to work on spelling and puncuation.

Well, that's all from me. Will I be seeing you again?

I dunno mabe poems arent exactly my strong point but u never know

The ryhmning really detracted from the rest of the poem, but it was good. I noticed a few spelling errors (told, not tolled, what is a ting?) . This would be better with punctuation, too, at least a period at the end of ever sentance. The one other thing I found was the line "my life was over..." seems out of place with the rest.

I thought overall this was pretty good. You might want to watch your rhyming and also watch how the verses flow. You did a fairly good job for making it all flow together, especially for a first attempt. I thought it was a really good poem. For future reference, it might also be a good idea to watch how long the different lines are and how they go together. Sometimes, it helps the poem work better if the lines are at a similair length. I have problems with this stuff, too, so maybe I don't know much of what I'm talking about. Just some suggestions.

Thanks for the reveiws,

I will definatly edit this,

but i might not post it anytime soon

Why does she have a wild look in her eye?
It's very important to inclue detail like that.
Also, why did she attract you?
Why did she not love you back?
etc.
Punctuation would be nice.
Grammer/spelling check would be nice.

Answer to most questions: I have no idea

Don't explain anything. It's perfect. Besideds the errors. But I think you did a wonderful job conveying your point. Awesomeness for your first try!!! Very well done.

I agree some things should remain a mystery always keep em guessing! lol your first poem? where have you been? haha jk You should keep on writing because its obvious that you have talent. Nice play on the words.

Your poem is awesome apart from some minor spelling mistakes.... tolled and ting..... but other than that i loved your poem I think it is awesome!! I think you should definitely write more you've got a natural talent.

Wow thanks everyone

Wow, absolutely incredible. I wasn't expecting that end but amazing. You always think that most poems and most gifted writers would end with something happy or with something that brings people together, but yours was different. I liked the way that you explored the relationship and the passion that this one person felt for this other individual. You opened up the characters heart and allowed the reader to take a look at the pain and the hurt that he was experiencing. It is so deep and so meaningful when you love someone who doesn't feel the same way or notices you. I have had similar experiences where I have fallen in love with some woman and did not have the courage to tell her how I felt. I just lingered on the ideal that maybe one day we would be together by fate and that destiny would inevitably bring us closer together. I loved this piece and really enjoyed it. Great Job!