...Mum, I'm gay.

Walking into the kitchen, where my mother's at.
I try my best not to turn red, or seem embarrassed that:
I have to tell her something-
Something she needs to hear,
but the very though of saying it
fills me up with fear.

She's noticed that I've entered, and greets me with a smile -
I smile back and beam at her - using all my guile.

Sitting on a stool, at the bar -
facing her.
She gives me a searching look -
my gut begins to stur...

My mouth is dry, and hands are moist - my fluids travelled south.
I'll take the time to muster up, the courage I need -
to open my mouth...

She senses some thing's up - there must be something up...
She looks at me, and sips her tea -
before setting down her cup.

...Mum...erm...

The ... Thing ... is...

I don't know how to tell you.
I don't know what to say -
I really need to tell you that:
your little boy is gay.
My bottles gone -
I've lost my nerve -
I'll tell you another day.

Heya Kris!

This is a very convincing piece. At the development- I actually began to feel real nerves for the the speaker because I didn't know what was going to happen next. The only thing I would say is that the rhyme and rhythm pulled me off course a little- I think I was concentrating too much on it and not enough on the other poetic techniques you used. It didn't take away from my enjoyment of it though, it's just something that will develop for you in time. I still haven't got the hang of writing a seamless rhyming poem and I've been doing it for years.

Anyway- just a typing error here (I think)

Sitting on a stool, at the bar - facing her.

She gives me a searching look -

my gut begins to stir...

That also makes it read easier.

You have some great concepts here- a lot of fascinating images raised in your stanzas in describing the feeling of rising apprehension:

fills me up with fear.

I've never been a big fan of odd structure, but I admire the way you experimented with the middle lines. It added to the sense of suspense and things hanging in the balance. Very nice. Very nice indeed.

I really need to tell you that:

your little boy is gay.

My bottles gone -

I've lost my nerve -

I'll tell you another day.

Great ending Kris. You told the story very honestly and well.

Love,

Eimear

I thought this was pretty bad.
The rhythm of the lines were all over the place, and drew away from the meaning of the poem.
Another problem I found, was with your rhymes. They were inconsistent. If you are going to use rhymes, then be consistent.

Hope I helped.

First off, I like the idea for this - I mean, it's a serious issue but I like how you've kind of put a playful edge to the tone of the poem, to make it seem like it's not such a big deal - which it isn't, really.

I had trouble with a few lines of the poem though, as they just didn't seem to fit in with the rest of the flow and structure, and all that;Sitting on a stool, at the bar - facing her. This kind of doesn't fit in with the rest of the stanza that you then continue to write. I think you need to add a few more syllables, maybe.

My mouth is dry, and hands are moist - my fluids travelled south.
I'll take the time to muster up, the courage I need -
to open my mouth...

In this stanza, I think that the first line is great - I like the idea of all your fluids just fleeing. But on your second line, I think you've crammed too many syllables in and it kinds of puts a dampner on the rhythm that you've got going. I think if you drop the; the courage I need and add something to the; to open my mouth... then you'll pretty much have it down.

Happy writing!

nice work! the message in the poem is clear and the sense of hesitation and fear is strong. sure the rhyming was a bit inconsistant but it was the power words and the "format" that really stood out. great poem!

Hey Love! I wanted to read the rest of your poetry! I'm excited!
Here we go!

kris wrote:Walking into the kitchen, where my mother's at.
I try my best not to turn red, or seem embarrassed that:
I have to tell her something-
Something she needs to hear,
but the very thought of saying it
fills me up with fear.

She's noticed that I've entered, and greets me with a smile -
I smile back and beam at her - using all my guile.

Sitting on a stool, at the bar -
facing her. I agree with Eimear, this line is a bit out of place. It just is worded awkwardly. Maybe instead say: I sit down on a stool,
My face turned towards her or something like that I'm awful at writing poetry
She gives me a searching look -
my gut begins to stir...

My mouth is dry, and hands are moist - my fluids travelled south. The fluids part feels a bit awkward.
I'll take the time to muster up, the courage I need -
to open my mouth...

She senses some thing's up - there must be something up...
She looks at me, and sips her tea -
before setting down her cup.

...Mum...erm...

The ... Thing ... is...

I don't know how to tell you.
I don't know what to say -
I really need to tell you that:
your little boy is gay.
My bottles gone -
I've lost my nerve -
I'll tell you another day. LOVE LOVE LOVE THE ENDING! Beautiful!!!

Great job! I absolutley loved it! *Golden Star*. Just work on the stuff I indicated above!

Good job!!!
<3
scasha

This was Brilliant Kris!

I have nothing to add because Of the other post, sorry.

I really felt throughout the entire poem what the person was feeling, I felt the anticipation and the nerves eating at me. The poem flowed really well and it held my attention without falter, the whole time. All I can say is that this poem was Great!

Was this based on true story?

*gold star* -- Which is hard to get from me!


---Jon---

Hmm... I liked the theme of this but it didn't really do a whole lot for me. I couldn't really feel your fear and anxiety and nausea and whatever else you would feel when you were about to come out to your mom. I don't think rhyme was a very good format for such a serious poem either, even though you did a good job rhyming consistently.

Sorry if this is too harsh, I'm really just trying to be constructive. I think this poem has alot of potential. Keep writing! ^_^

*Ahem*
Greatest, Freaking, Poem, I've ever read in my entire life and more.
Excellent job! OH MY GOD, YOUR GREAT!
Ooh! Can't wait for more

Wow, kris!

It's really great. And I absolutely have to say that I adore the ending. It shows no one's perfect and really, the fear of telling the thing just oozes from the last line.

Sitting on a stool, at the bar -

facing her.

The line comes to an abrupt ending, and that's not really so good. It just ruins the pleasure of reading. Try adding some more syllables.


What can I say? It's a brave story of a person with a human fear. Why aren't there more of this kind of stories? Keep writing!


Demeter xxx

Walking into the kitchen, where my mother's at.

This sounds a little to informal. Like, "hey, where are my homies at?"

I smile back and beam at her - using all my guile.

You smile back and beam? One of these words is superfluous - if you're smiling, you don't need to say you're beaming, too.

my gut begins to stur...

Stir, not stur.

My mouth is dry, and hands are moist - my fluids travelled south.

Erm...what fluids? o_O

I'll take the time to muster up, the courage I need -

to open my mouth...

Where's your rhyming gone? If you're going to rhyme, it sounds much better if you're consistent.

She senses some thing's up - there must be something up...

She looks at me, and sips her tea -

before setting down her cup.

This stanza doesn't seem to add much to the poem, besides telling us that she knows something is wrong, and the cup thing seems to be there just for the sake of rhyming.

Apart from that, your rhyming is good pretty much throughout, and it's well written apart from the parts I pointed out. This certainly has potential.

What I love about this piece is that you say so much without SAYING it. You can tell that you are very nervous, and uncomfortable, without saying, "I felt nervous and uncomfortable," and that is not always easy.

Your rhyme is great, but your rhythm, not so much. Once you write your first stanza, all the other stanzas should fit. Or if it's an A-B stanza pattern, it shoyuld fit that. Whatever the pattern is, there should be a pattern. Hopefully, you understood that.

Overall, a great piece of writing. Keep up the good work!!

-KK

wow, wow, wow, wow, wow , wow, wow, wow ,wow, wow

your poem rocks dude,

are must be freking gay to be able to write this!!!!

your poems so cool,

Love rebbecca
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
/xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
//xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
///xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
////xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
/////////////////////////xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Are you really gay, or did you just make this up?

haha nice i really enjoyed this. I have a friend who had to go through this, except his parents weren't very supportive. You should really continue this because i kind of want to see what happens...