Destiny

Night


5:30pm was the last time I looked at the clock before beginning my new book. Reading was a new habit I had picked up from my cousin Vannessa. Everything she did I had to try it out. We had grown up together so we were always like this; it was a weird bond we had. The book I was reading is “Being Dead”. It was a collection of short stories about dead people, my favorite types of books. I had a comfy spot in the corner of my queen sized bed and was totally engulfed in my book; I had been reading for hours. All of the sudden I heard a knock at my window and new exactly who it was. You see I lived on the 3rd floor of the building, and how could anyone possibly knock on my window other than Alex. Alex is my boyfriend who I have been dating for quite some time now, and he is a vampire. He visited often when I was by myself and my mother was asleep. Yeah I am 17 but my mom has some trouble with me dating right now especially if she knew I was dating someone who was dead. She insists on having me date when I’m out of college.

When I got up to open the window I caught a glance at the clock and noticed it was only 9 and he usually came at 11 when my mom was long gone in her dreams, but she had only said goodnight about half an hour ago. I ran to my big white mirror to make sure I looked ok. My hair was hideous so I took my brush out and combed through it a bit. Then I decided to change from my basketball shirt into a cute little tan t-shirt I loved. I sprayed a little perfume and walked to the window and opened it. As soon as I opened it I seen his beautiful eyes staring at me and was instantly hypnotized. Before I could get my mind straight his lips slammed against mine and our lips were moving together. When I opened my eyes we were standing in the middle of my bedroom. As a vampire he tends to move so fast I don’t even realize we moved an inch; I hated when he did this. I looked up at him “You’re early.” I said smiling at the fact that he was taller than me. I was always attracted to tall guys. “Cynthia, you of all people should have known that I couldn’t help but see you. I can’t stand being by myself all day and night.” Alex was usually with Demitri, his best friend in his cold world.

Vannessa and Demitri were dating; they had gone to Spain to visit Demitri’s home town of Lisbon. Demitri was also a vampire and he and Alex had gone through a lot in the past 100 years. Both Demitri and Alex were reborn into vampires at the same tender age of 18. They had a lot in common with each other. They had often called themselves brothers. “So honey how was your day?” he said smiling. I had guessed he had seen the book lying on the bed. “Well first I went skydiving, then I bravely wrestled with a 230 pound lion.” I immediately started laughing almost breaking into tears. His expression was so hilarious; he knew I was being sarcastic. “I’m just kidding; I have been home all day reading my new book. Then you interrupted me. That was the most exciting thing I went through all day.” I instinctively moved in for a kiss. But he held me back, this wasn’t normal. I pondered for a moment and thought I had done something wrong. He giggled a bit and said with a ring in his voice “You mean to tell me you have been in this hot room all day reading the same book for hours on end waiting for me to come!” He stared at me waiting for an answer and he was still giggling. But I was so shocked I felt insulted. “I so was not waiting for you, I just like to read in a hot room!” I said it kind of loud; I was hoping my mother didn’t hear me. “Now now honey,” he sat me down on the bed. “You don’t have to get upset, I’m sorry. You look pretty tired. You and I should get some rest.” He yawned and stretched.

Even though he was a vampire he still liked to get some rest here and there. When I first met him he had dark rings around his eyes, but I got him in the habit of sleeping or I should say resting. Now the rings were merely visible. He really didn’t sleep he just gave his muscles a rest from the rough day he had. Sleep was the last thing on my mind; I looked at him then smiled “Are you going to keep me even hotter in my hot room tonight?” He looked at me from top to bottom, moved a little closer to grab my waist and said “Is that what you really want?” I kissed him on the neck “Yes” That was the beginning of our night together again.

I haven't seen you around here before, so let me start by welcoming you to YWS!
We are all really nice here, and we hardly ever bite. When we do, you don't have to worry too much. The rabies epidemic has really cleared up...
Okay, two things before I read your piece.

1. There is a rule here, where you have to give two reviews before you post a piece of your own. It helps keep things fair and makes sure everyone gets their piece reviewed. It also means you will be more likely to receive critiques, because others will return the favour

2. I couldn't read past the first few lines because the massive block of text made my eyes bleed. Paragraphs, my dear. Space it out, or you will scare away readers.

Once you do that, PM me and I'll come back and give you a crit

Happy writing!

~Hailey xoxo~

Hey! One tip - use the enter button a lot! it will mean more people reviewing.

Quote: Reading was a new habit I had picked up from my cousin Vannessa.

Vanessa is usually spelt with one n?

Quote: Everything she did I had to try it out.

This was a badly constructed sentence. Try this: "In everything she did, I always followed her lead." []

We had grown up together so we were always like this; it was a weird bond we had.

Again, this isn't veyr well constructed. Try this: "The explanation for the unlikely bond linking us was that we had grown up together."

The book I was reading is “Being Dead”.

Wrong tense, you switched from past to present and I'm not really sure where you're going. I'm going to edit this all to change it to the past tense. Try this: "I was reading a book called "Being Dead".

It was a collection of short stories about dead people, my favorite types of books.
Rephrase: "It was a collection of short stories about dead people. That was my favorite type of book.

I had a comfy spot in the corner of my queen sized bed and was totally engulfed in my book; I had been reading for hours.

Rephrase: "I was snuggled in a comfy spot in the corner of my queen sized bed and was engulfed in my book. I had been reading for hours."

All of the sudden I heard a knock at my window and new exactly who it was.

There are spelling and grammar mistakes. Rephrase: "All of a sudden, I heard a knock at my window. I knew exactly who it was."

You see I lived on the 3rd floor of the building, and how could anyone possibly knock on my window other than Alex.

Rephrase: "Alex was the only person who could possibly have knocked on my window."

Alex is my boyfriend who I have been dating for quite some time now, and he is a vampire. He visited often when I was by myself and my mother was asleep. Yeah I am 17 but my mom has some trouble with me dating right now especially if she knew I was dating someone who was dead. She insists on having me date when I’m out of college.

Rephrase: "Alex was my boyfriend and I had been dating him for quite some time. He was a vampire and visited often when I was by myself and my mother was asleep. I was seventeen but my mother wouldn't have been the happiest people had she discovered I was dating a dead person. Not the mention she insisted that I only started dating when I had left college. And that was people who were alive."

When I got up to open the window I caught a glance at the clock and noticed it was only 9 and he usually came at 11 when my mom was long gone in her dreams, but she had only said goodnight about half an hour ago. I ran to my big white mirror to make sure I looked ok. My hair was hideous so I took my brush out and combed through it a bit.

Rephrase: "When I rose from my seat to open the window, I caught a glance at the clock sitting on the desk. I noticed that it was only nine o'clock. This was strange, because Alex usually came at eleven, when my mother was long gone in her dreams.
I ran to my large, white mirror to make sure I looked okay. My hair looked hideous so I took my brush out and combed through it."

Then I decided to change from my basketball shirt into a cute little tan t-shirt I loved. I sprayed a little perfume and walked to the window and opened it. As soon as I opened it I seen his beautiful eyes staring at me and was instantly hypnotized. Before I could get my mind straight his lips slammed against mine and our lips were moving together. When I opened my eyes we were standing in the middle of my bedroom. As a vampire he tends to move so fast I don’t even realize we moved an inch; I hated when he did this. I looked up at him “You’re early.” I said smiling at the fact that he was taller than me. I was always attracted to tall guys. “Cynthia, you of all people should have known that I couldn’t help but see you. I can’t stand being by myself all day and night.” Alex was usually with Demitri, his best friend in his cold world.

Rephrase: "Then, I decided to change from my basketball shirt into my favourite t-shirt - a cute, tan colored affair. I sprayed on a little perfume and then opened the window. The minute I looked out I saw his beautiful eyes staring at me and was instantly hypnotized. Before I could get my mind straight, his lips pressed against mine andd we engaged in a kiss. When I opened my eyes, I found myself standing with him in the middle of my bedroom. As a vampire, he tended to move so fast that I didn't even realise it was happening. This was a habit of his that annoyed me.
I looked up at him. "You're early," I said, smiling as he looked down on me, reminding me of how tall he was. I was always attracted to tall guys, there was something so refreshing about being small and vunerable.
"Cynthia, you should know by now that I can't bear not seeing you. I hate being by myself all day and night," he sighed. "

“So honey how was your day?” he said smiling. I had guessed he had seen the book lying on the bed. “Well first I went skydiving, then I bravely wrestled with a 230 pound lion.” I immediately started laughing almost breaking into tears. His expression was so hilarious; he knew I was being sarcastic. “I’m just kidding; I have been home all day reading my new book. Then you interrupted me. That was the most exciting thing I went through all day.”

Rephrase: "So, honey. How was your day?" he asked, grinning at me. I guessed he'd seen the book lying face down on the bed.
"Well," I replied, "First I went skydiving and then I bravely wrestled with a two hundred and thirty pound lion."
He grinned, recognizing my trait of always being sarcastic.
"Nah," I continued. "Just kidding. I've been home all day, reading my new book. Then you interrupted me, probably the most exciting thing to happen to me today.

I instinctively moved in for a kiss. But he held me back, this wasn’t normal. I pondered for a moment and thought I had done something wrong. He giggled a bit and said with a ring in his voice “You mean to tell me you have been in this hot room all day reading the same book for hours on end waiting for me to come!” He stared at me waiting for an answer and he was still giggling. But I was so shocked I felt insulted. “I so was not waiting for you, I just like to read in a hot room!” I said it kind of loud; I was hoping my mother didn’t hear me. “Now now honey,” he sat me down on the bed. “You don’t have to get upset, I’m sorry. You look pretty tired. You and I should get some rest.” He yawned and stretched.

Rephrase: "I instinctively moved in for a kiss. However, he avoided it. This wasn't normal. I pondered for a moment, wondering whether I had done something wrong. He laughed a bit, breaking the awkward silence, and remarked, "Do you mean to tell me you've been in this hot room all day, reading the same book for hours and waiting for me to come?"
He stared at me mischievously, waiting for an answer.
However, I was so shocked I felt insulted. "I wasn't waiting for you. I just like reading."
I said it in a loud voice; too loud. Hopefully my mother hadn't heard me.
Alex sat me down on the bed. "You don't have to get upset, honey. I"m sorry." He yawned, stretching his long arms. "You look pretty tired. You and I should get some rest."


Okay, right.

I have to say, you really should watch your grammar and spelling before posting.

Another twilight fan, are you? *sighs*

There's a few too many vampire stories out here at the moment. And you have to be really excellent to make yours stand out, and to be honest, this did not stand out.

Think about the characters. You haven't done anything to help us empathize with your narrator. I have no idea what she looks like, how she feels, her little habits, her family life, the hardships she goes through, her feelings, her past. There's nothing to make us feel close to her.

The characters are just cardboard cutouts. Put life into them.

Don't worry. You will get there,I promise.

xxx

Back again!

Hmm, still big blocks of text here. Split your paragraphs in half again. It just makes it easier to read.

Now, to my review!

Sarah has done some nit-picking, I see, so I won't bore you by going over what she already has.
Just watch your tenses and re-read everything you write. When I write, I read it aloud to myself afterwards, changing the bits that don't flow right. No one's first copy is flawless, so re-reading and re-writing is very important. Pretend you are a reader; which bits make sense and which bits need work?
Your piece is a little dry in terms of description. I can't picture it at all. Is it a cold night? Does the window creak when your MC opens it? What does Alex look like? What does Cynthia look like? Is the perfume a floral scent?
You may have this brilliant image in your mind, but your reader has no idea what you are seeing. You have to paint a picture in their mind, make it real for them. Use your five senses to help you describe things;

Smell
Taste
Touch
Sound
Sight

Also, when your MC tells us her boyfriend is a vampire, she is very matter-of-fact about it, as though it is not unusual in the least to have a vampire for a boyfriend. Personally, I don't think it is the norm, but that might just be me...
As for your theme, be careful not to fall into the shadow of Stephenie Meyer when tackling a vampire romance. I know how tempting it is to go straight to the stories you love to lead your writing, but you have to pull away. Make it different, make it your own.

Now, I know this seems like a lot of negative, but please don't take it too harshly! I mean only to help you become the best writer you can possibly be. Your potential lies in the fact that you actually want to write, so don't stop there! You will just keep getting better.
I suggest you go back over this piece and add lots of description. Use it to practice painting that picture for your readers. Then post it here again.

Remember, five senses and re-writing. And read! Read as much as you can get your hands on! Think about the books you read. What do you like about them? What is their writing style?

Please don't be discouraged and keep writing!

~Hailey xoxo~

I don't have a whole lot to say, and the reviewers above got most of the nitpicks, so really I just have a question...

Have you read Twilight? Because this is dangerously alike to that book. Wait 'til Mom goes to bed, then the vamp comes back in and keeps the seventeen-year-old (same age as Bella) company all night. Oh yeah, and he's a hundred years old, just like Edward.

So yeah, if I were you, I'd dump this, and not just because I dislike Stephenie Meyer's books, although that could be one reason. Mostly because fans of Twilight aren't going to appreciate this; and because you should write about something a little more original than high-school girl secretly dating a hot vampire who's really smart, and clever, and... hot. x-x

Anyhows, I wish you good luck, and hope you get a little variety into the books you read. =D

-SELA

Hey, nice story. It seemed like you were telling your readers exactly what happened instead of showing them, though. For example:

Demitri was also a vampire and he and Alex had gone through a lot in the past 100 years. Both Demitri and Alex were reborn into vampires at the same tender age of 18. They had a lot in common with each other. They had often called themselves brothers.

This is a bit of an info dump here. Your shoving everything about Dmitri and Alex into a few sentences that could easily be drawn out in the forms of dialogue and exposition. I'd highly recommend combing through your story and marking all of the places that it sounds like you, the author, are addressing the readers. Let the characters speak for themselves--they can be quite intelligent, you know.

I hate to burst your bubble, but Sela Locke made a very valid point above. I immediately thought "Twilight" when I finished reading this story. A lot of the details are the same, and the stories are pretty close, too. Rethink the vampire details. There's a whole slough of stuff you can write about vampires! Fun stuff to make up and all that jazz.

Also, I'd bring in some more dialogue. This story's dialogue is very sparse and I want more of it so I can know the narrator and Alex and Dmitri and Vanessa. Best of luck!