A world through hazy lenses

Hello prospective reader!
This is the beginning of a short piece I'm putting together. The first bit, we will call it the introduction, is rather corny and I need to work on the dialogue. All thoughts and suggestions are very welcome!

~Hailey~ xoxo

I remember who you used to be…

A flurry of leaves played about my feet in the breeze. They were every colour of warmth, reminding the world of the fading summer. Gold, tawny, yellow, auburn, red, orange, as though the trees had captured the blistering heat of the months before and were only now releasing it. My ears rang with the sound of excited screams, competing side-show tunes and a constant mechanic whining. The scent of doughnuts and hot chips saturated the air, every breath causing my mouth to water, even while my stomach was full. Gwinny squealed with delight as she tugged relentlessly on my hand, her blonde curls bouncing with enthusiasm.
‘I wanna go on that one, Jade!’ she squealed, pointing to a ride whirling above and before us. I pursed my lips.
‘No way, Gwinny. Mum would kill me. Plus, your probably too young.’
Her little pink lips pulled into a pout as she gazed up at me with pleading blue eyes.
‘Pretty please? I wont tell Mum, promise! Pretty please with a cherry on top and lots of ice-cream and chocolate topping?’ she begged. I groaned.
‘Aw, come on, Gwin. Don’t pull the puppy dog eyes on me. You know you can’t.’ Her brows pulled together, her eyes tearing up slightly.
‘Please, Jadey?’
‘Why do you do this to me?’ I moaned, but she was already squealing with joy, knowing she’d won.

I clutched the tickets tightly in my hand as I stood in the queue, eyeing the threatening machine with trepidation. It glinted ominously in the buttery sunlight, a crouching beast of cold steel and brightly-coloured plastic, waiting to fling me through the air. Gwinny bounced on the balls of her feet, eager for the coming terror. I must’ve missed the courage gene…
I swallowed nervously as a large man with a beard opened the gate, beckoning to the waiting kids. The line began to move, people climbing the steps to mount the dormant monster.
Gwinny burst forward immediately, my reluctant feet dragged along behind her. Suddenly, a gust of wind snatched at her little blue ribbon, tugging it free of her golden locks. I reached out to grasp it, but it was whipped away from under my fingers, twirling through the air in it’s bid for freedom.
‘Hang on, Gwin, I’ll get it,’ I assured her as the wind released it and it dropped desolately to the ground, it’s escape attempt having been foiled.
‘I’ll be back in a moment,’ I told the man at the gate, and turned to chase after the runaway ribbon.
‘I believe this is yours?’ a voice said. I looked down to see a man bent over, handing my little sister her ribbon.
‘Thank you,’ Gwinny said shyly. He straightened, meeting my eyes. He looked to be about 18, maybe 19. No more than a few years older than me, in any case. His wavy hair was the colour of coffee, and almost shoulder-length. His eyes were a dark, bottomless brown. He smiled, his skin creasing into little ripples around the edges of his lips, and his eyes sparkled with some secret merriment. It was the type of smile that brought a responding grin to my face immediately.
‘Why thankyou, good Sir Knight, for rescuing the damsel's ribbon’ I teased. Gwinny tittered as he dipped in a mock bow, his eyes still on mine.
‘Ah, what a tough life it is. Ribbons can be so troublesome,’ he replied, a trace in mocking in his voice. My eyes narrowed.
‘Oh? Had a lot of experience with ribbons, have you?’
He flashed that gleaming smile again, ignoring my sarcasm. ‘Of course. Chasing them is a hobby of mine.’
I was shocked when a giggle escaped my lips. It was so school-girlish. Sensible, mature, grown-up Jade didn’t giggle. It wasn’t like he’d even said anything all that funny. Gwinny was tugging on my hand again.
‘Come on, Jade, it’s gonna start!’ she whined. I sighed, rolling my eyes at her, before turning back to the stranger.
‘Well, I, er, have to go,’ I explained awkwardly, edging away from him.
‘You riding this monster?’ he asked, pointing at the waiting ride. I grimaced.
‘Yep, that’s the one. Gwinny wouldn’t have any other,’ I replied. Gwinny moaned, tugging harder.
‘Well, would you mind some company? My friend whimped out on me.’
I laughed, suddenly nervous about more than just the ride. Stupid I thought. ‘Yeah, okay. Maybe I can land on you if it breaks and we go whizzing into the ground.’
The man at the gate cleared his throat.
‘Yeah, we’re coming,’ I said as I allowed Gwinny to tug me up the steps.
My hands trembled as I strapped myself in, the cold bite of the metal bars against my arms sending a chill of foreboding up my spine. Please don’t let the damn thing break.
‘I’m Seb, by the way,’ the stranger said as the ride’s operator shut the gate again.
‘Jade,’ I replied, relinquishing my stranglehold on the bar to shake his hand. His skin was soft and warm, and for a moment my panic subsided. But then the ride began to spin and I broke the touch to grasp the bars on either side of my head. I sucked in a deep breath and let it out in a piercing scream as my surroundings transformed into a blur of colour.

You were the carefree daredevil, who lived on raspberry liquorice and sunlight. It seemed that you never touched the ground, preferring to hover just above me, always with one foot in the stars. Courting luck on one arm and fate on the other, the world was whatever you told it to be. You blew into my life so quickly, and I liked it…

‘Come on, Jade!’
I rolled my eyes at the sheer stupidity displayed before me.
‘You will freeze before you hit the water,’ I called. Seb laughed as he ran, his feet kicking up sand. I shivered as a cold breeze licked at my arms, raising goose bumps across my skin. Seb slowed to a stop at the water’s edge, then turned to me again.
‘Come on, Jade. Don’t be such a spoil sport!’ he yelled.
‘It’s the dead of winter, you nut case!’ I cried. He shrugged, the wind whipping his dark locks around his face. He pulled off his shirt and threw it to the sand beside him.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked in alarm as he began unbuttoning his pants.
‘Well, you don’t expect me to swim in my jeans, do you?’
‘What if someone sees you?’ My eyes scanned the deserted beach automatically. It stretched endlessly onwards, the restless sea writhing on the shore, providing a background soundtrack to our banter. Dunes lined the sand, sombre sentries hiding us from the road beyond, enclosing us in a world that was all our own. The steely clouds above had leeched the colour from the beach, painting everything in shades of grey. It was eerily beautiful, a dreamscape. I heard Seb snort.
‘You said it yourself, it’s the dead of winter. No one comes to the beach in winter.’
‘No one but the completely insane,’ I muttered. The weak winter sun disappeared completely as Seb finished discarding his clothing.
‘Don’t blame me when a couple of old ladies come wandering along and see your butt-naked ice sculpture bobbing in the water,’ I shouted, my eyes appraising his bare backside. He whooped with elation as he plunged into the ocean. He disappeared beneath the waves for a moment, then resurfaced with a spray of seawater. I laughed as I watched him.
‘Come on in, it’s warmer in here than it is out there!’
I shook my head, chuckling.
‘I’ll take your word for it. I’m quite happy here.’
I watched, immediately suspicious, as a wicked grin spread across his face. He began moving forward, towards the shore again. The water dripped from him as he reached the sand, streaming over his shoulders and chest in rivulets. My eyes widened as I realised his plan.
‘Oh, no you don’t,’ I said, reaching my hands out as though to halt him. ‘No, no, no, you stay where you are.’
His grin widened as he advanced up the beach. I scrambled to my feet.
‘No, go away, go back to the water.’ I scampered backwards as he broke into a sprint. My attempts to escape into the sand dunes were in vain. I screamed as he caught me and scooped me up in his arms, holding me to his wet body. I wriggled and squirmed as we neared the water.
‘Put. Me. DOWN!’ I demanded between laughs and squeals. As the water rose to his knees, I clung to him instead, cringing away from the approaching cold.
‘Seb!’ I shrieked as he ducked into the water. I screwed up my face and screamed as I was submerged, fully-clothed, waiting for the bite of ice. It didn’t come. Instead, I found my skin stroked by surprisingly temperate seawater. It felt like I was wrapped in silk. I opened my eyes and gazed up at Seb in surprise.
‘See? Told you it’s warmer in here,’ he said smugly, and he bent down to kiss me. His salty lips caressed mine as I clung to him.
‘Yes, but now my clothes are soaked,’ I mumbled, my forehead pressed to his.
‘Well we will just have to leave them on the beach to dry,’ he murmured and he kissed me softly again, moving his arms so that they encircled my waist, allowing my feet to drop to the sea floor. It shifted beneath me, the grains of sand swaying to the rhythm of the waves. My hands drifted down his back, my fingers trailing over the planes of his muscles. I felt his hands glide up my body, and the next thing I knew my shirt was over my head…

Hey!

Really enjoyed this piece! Very glad I clicked on it randomly....

Can't really see any mistakes but then again, I was enjoying reading it so wasn't looking at it particularly critically...I think I kind of miss the point of this website when I see something I like!

The one thing that intrigued was that I know how old Seb is, but was wondering how old Jade was. I kind of got the impression she was younger than Seb and therefore I was slightly shocked at the nakedness at the end! lol!

Olivia
xxx

-Nitpicks-

Gwinny squealed with delight as she tugged relentlessly on my hand, her blonde curls bouncing with [s]her[/s] enthusiasm.

This is a matter of opinion, but I think this sentence would sound better if you deleted the "her" before "enthusiasm."

I clutched the tickets tightly in my hand as we stood in the queue, eyeing the threatening machine with trepidation.

This sounds like both Jade AND Gwinny are eyeing it with trepidation... but it seams from the following sentences that Gwinny is looking at it eagerly...

I swallowed nervously as a large man with a beared opened the gate, beckoning to the waiting kids.

I think you mean to say "beard." ^_~

‘Yay! It’s our turn, Jade! Come on!’ Gwinny cried, tugging me forward.

The rest of the dialogue didn't really bother me, but this bit was a tad corny -- try to imagine a real little kid (not one in a movie) saying something like that.

His hair was wavy and the colour of coffee, almost shoulder-length.

The wording here is a bit awkward... I think you should try something more like, "His wavy hair was the colour of coffee, [and] almost shoulder-length."

‘Oh? Had a lot of experience with ribbons, have you?’

I don't really like this bit. Because we're not exactly sure about Jade's impression of Seb (something I'll go into more later in this review), this line seems mocking, cynical -- almost challenging.

You were the carefree daredevil, who lived on raspberry liquorice and sunlight. It seemed that you never touched the ground, preferring to hover just above me, always with one foot in the stars. Courting luck on one arm and fate on the other, the world was whatever you told it to be. You blew into my life really fast, and I liked it…

I really like this section -- it's a perfect transition piece. But the last line doesn't really fit with the mood of the rest of it... it's too casual, whereas the rest is poetic. I suggest you say something more like "You blew into my life so quickly, and I liked it..."

‘Come on, Jade. Don’t be such a spoil sport!’ he yelled.
‘It’s the dead of winter, you nut case!’ I cried. He shrugged, the wind whipping his dark locks around his face. He pulled off his shirt and threw it to the sand beside him.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked in alarm as he began unbuttoning his pants.
‘Well, you don’t expect me to swim in my jeans, do you?’
‘What if someone sees you?’ My eyes scanned the deserted beach automatically. I heard him snort.
‘You said it yourself, it’s the dead of winter. No one comes to the beach in winter.’
‘No one but the completely insane,’ I muttered. The weak winter sun disappeared completely as Seb finished discarding his clothing.

Nice dialogue here. It flows really well and seems quite realistic.

I watched as a wicked grin spread across his face, immediately suspicious.

This confuses me a little bit -- you're saying that SHE is suspicious, right? If so, I suggest rewording it to be more like: "I watched, immediately suspicious, as a wicked grin spread across his face."
---------------------------------------------

-Scene-by-scene-

I have to say that I love the opening description. It sets the mood for the whole piece. I read that in the preview on the front page and immediately clicked on the link to read it (without even seeing that it was in Romantic Fiction, which I usually keep away from). It just sucked me in. The only suggestion I have is that you add some more description of smells and feels, because it's pretty much all looks.

So, the opening description is great... but what about a little more of it, throughout the rest of the piece? Just now, there's a block of description in the beginning, then maybe an adjective or two here and there through the rest, but nothing major. There's hardly even two sentences in a row devoted to imagery. I suggest you utilize better your skills for description which you have displayed in the opening paragraph.

Another problem with the beginning half is that when Jade first meets Seb, I'm not sure what she thinks of him. I kind of thought 'uh-oh, I think this guy's gonna turn out to be a creep,' because of his open (almost pushy) friendliness to the two girls. Now, when I go back and read that section again, I think you want it to almost be love-at-first-sight... or at the very least, you want Jade to be impressed. So I think you should show that to us a little more. Show it through Jade's thoughts, reactions. Show us how (maybe) she finds herself relaxing in his presence, or something.

I think the second half is well-written... but I would like more description. Describe the stormy gray of the sky blending into the sleet-colored water at the horizon, the way the clammy sand sticks together like one solid thing, rather that thousands of grains... there's so many possibilities! If you added more description, that scene would be beautiful.


-Overall-

Overall, I found it well-written, but a bit disjointed. Obviously, the center of this story (to Jade) is Seb. The focus of the story is the romance between them, right? Why, then, is so much time spent on Gwinny, the inconsequential little sister? The first half and the second half seemed to have little to do with each other, other than the fact that one was where they met, and the other was when they had already known each other for a while (or so I assume.) I suggest (only a suggestion, mind; take it or leave it) that you add more snippets in between... maybe the time he buys her ice cream, or they go for a walk together in the park, or something. I think that would help this seem more like a story and less like two scenes plastered together. (Although I have to say that I really love the transition section).

Another problem -- like olivia1987uk pointed out -- is that we don't know how old Jade is. I think that when you tell us how old Seb is, you should say something like "He looked to be about 18, maybe 19... only a year or two older than myself." or something.


Well, I think I've given you enough to chew on for a while. I liked the piece, all in all, but I think it could use a little more love. ^_^

Please PM me if you have questions/comments about my review. I'd be more than happy to help you out more.

Hope this helps!
~Azila~

I loved this story!!!!!!!!!! if you are going to write a book, pm me asap, okay? omg i praticially shivvered when seb started to take her shirt off.. you have some serious skill! the only critique i can give you is you should have told the readers how long they have been seeing each other before you showed them at the beach.. other then that i loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks so much for your reviews, guys

Olivia 1987:
Thanks for reading! Going back over this, I did make Jade seem quite a lot younger, something I'll correct ASAP. I'm so glad you liked it!

Azila:
Wow, you're a saint. That review must have taken you yonks! It really helped me out. I didn't realise how much I'd skived over the description. Being lazy, probably. Will remedy, along with all the other corrections you made.
Eek, it is rather disjointed, isn't it? Hmm, I'll need to do something about that... Well, thanks so much! REALLY helpful!

EmmaSweetie100:
Aw, your review made me smile
I'm really glad you liked this. Thanks for reading!

This was really cute, Deavarna. I loved every minute of it!

I only noticed one thing:

Plus, your probably too young.

Should be you’re instead

The part where they met with the knight in shining armor was cute but sort of cliché to tell you the truth I mean, I’m not sure what to tell you because I’m kind of one of those people that like clichés and I absoluetly loved that part, so don’t take my word for it. Wait for someone else to mention it.

Otherwise, this was beautifully done. Even the transitions between past and present were flawless.

Wonderful job!

Can't wait to read more of this!