The Tinted Curtain & Psyche of Wax

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It's come to where I post two at a time. Trying to hold the post-review ratio fit. I hope you'll forgive me, but I haven't been too regular. This is in other poetry as the first is Dramatic while the second is a Narrative. Onwards:-

The Tinted Curtain

It was sure to have been a silent night
because it took so many days for dusk to end--
the night when I saw grandfather
sitting ponderous on the far living-room chair
while I lay past my bedroom door
turning heavily in my sleep and in half-night.

And I asked his son,
orphaned at the age of forty-eight,
why we give water
to corpses, sleep to night and end to every wake.

But he does not care for his master's voice
and he cares not for his fall and after.

The windows reek of the residues
of falling water for the sleepers--
they are engorged and turgid, creaking
like wide graves and eyes of weepers.

Yet the still light falls through the moist curtains
after the heavily turning clouds have wept
and leave a halo, sifting around the window
where the lost and hungry sleepers have slept.

There are faces asleep, outside,
and autumn has past, winter passed,
spring and summer passed. Now only it rains.

I feel the fabric against my skin and my face.
Slipping, it stirs my skin to colour in the dark,
and I feel the soft, embracing rush behind it.
I feel it whispered soft, and tinted stark.

-Early August, '08.

-x-x-x

Psyche of Wax

I.

On the cold rock, she still lies there,
and the throbbing skin warms her tears.
There is patience and there's patience
and there is the rippling of fears.
In the tremors of her loved voice
and the coldness of her deep skin
the lean edges of the winds stir
with her lips, "Do the gods begin?
Who will take me in?"

II.

Roars the fire even higher
in the high throne of earthly love.
The zephyr battles, the window rattles
and slicks with water high above.
Warmed in the skin but deep within
she shivers like the face at the window thin.
Through heat and cold her mind grows bold
but her heart, "Who would take me in?
Where must I begin?"

III.

The candle grows blind; her shadow behind
and the darkness of the chamber walls
are rend with the glare of her chasmed stare
while the passioned wax melts and falls.
Softly wings beat and the skins heat
is burnt with slumbering kisses
that have turned back, down the mind's lost track.
The candle falls down, hisses,

sputters and dies.

The shadow escapes and into her eye shapes
the quest, "Will he take me in?"

She stands there, eyes beautiful red
and her hair clings wet to her head.
She loses the feeling of skins.
And the candle cools and dies.

She begins.
Last edited by Palantalid on Tue Sep 09, 2008 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
What syllable are you seeking,
Vocalissimus,
In the distances of sleep?
Speak it.
—Wallace Stevens, “To the Roaring Wind”




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All of these seem very deep.
They are all very well-written and got me to thinking.
I don't know how to critique them, but I just wanted to let you know that they're really really good.
"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains."




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Hey Ant. ^^

I’m cool with critting your work, any day. You might want to try reviewing more in any case, it’s always a help and you don’t always want to be cutting corners by posting two things in the same thread, ne?

But! On to the crit.


The Tinted Curtain



It was sure to have been a silent night

because it took so many days for dusk to end--

the night when I saw grandfather

sitting ponderous on the far living-room chair < This is too long a line, I think. Not necessarily the words, but the syllables are too many. It feels thick and hard to grasp. Also, I dislike “on” – perhaps “in”?

while I lay past my bedroom door

turning heavily in my sleep and in half-night. < I understand these two lines, but I don’t particularly like them. I think you could viable lose them to your advantage.



But he does not care for his master's voice

and he cares not for his fall and after.
< This feels disjointed. It does not feel as though it actually fits here, where you’ve placed it. I’d actually say it doesn’t feel to fit in the poem at all. I’d lose the last line certainly… and alter the first? I would like to know who his master is, or, rather, why the narrator and the master are connected. Because it is evident that as a progression from the last, the narrator reminds the man of his master. [.colo]


The windows reek of the residues

of falling water for the sleepers—[color=violet]< These two lies took me a little while to get into.


they are engorged and turgid, creaking

like wide graves and eyes of weepers. < I don’t particularly like this line. I love the concept and I can see what you were doing, but I don’t think it quite translates.



Yet the still light falls through the moist curtains

after the heavily turning clouds have wept

and leave a halo, sifting around the window < I don’t think you need “and leave a halo” here, it sounds good without the line.

where the lost and hungry sleepers have slept.


< The rhyming in the last stanzas, intentional?



I feel the fabric against my skin and my face.

Slipping, it stirs my skin to colour in the dark, < Dislike the repetition here.

and I feel the soft, embracing rush behind it.

I feel it whispered soft, and tinted stark.



< I like this, you end it really well. Nicely done. ^^



Psyche of Wax



I.

and the throbbing skin warms her tears. < I don’t like “the” here, it’s distracting me. xD

Oh. I love that. Your second is certainly my favourite of the two. You started off a little lightly, and I was worried it wasn’t going to be as good as I’d though, but you exceeded my expectations. ^^ Psyche of Wax is utterly lovely and you ought to be proud of that poem more than anything. Absolutely lovely.

You must post more things soon. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
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The most important thing is to have fun! Stress makes for distress and neither of those belong in writing!
— Kaia