War Mage

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*This is a story idea that I've been toying with, I'd like some feedback to see if I should keep writing it. Sorry if it's long please bear with it and try and read all of it.*

War Mage: (tentative)
prologue- The Testing (tentative)

Ash woke with a sense that something momentous was going to happen that day. For a while he lay in his bed trying to figure out what it was, as he remembered Ash jumped out of bed with a shout and ran to get dressed. He pulled on the black ankle length pants of a craftsman in training, and the white shirt of a peasant. The belt knife, his only weapon, hung from a sheath on a leather belt. Slipping into soft leather boots, Ash ran downstairs quickly.

The house was simple but well made and had been in the family for five generations. Ash was the only one who slept in the loft, because he liked high places. The main area was a single room that combined a kitchen and mainspace, lit softly by lightglobes. There was a bathroom near the back of the house, and his mother and sister had bedrooms towards the front.

Quietly Ash picked up his pack and put a small book and some food in to last until lunch, he should be back by then. He grabbed the brush and ran it through long hair that ended just below his shoulders, and tied it back with a leather cord. In the country of Qira, the long hair was the sign that someone was still considered a child, only men wore short hair. Ash couldn't wait till his fifteenth birthday next firesday, just one week until he could cut his child-locks.

Packed and ready, Ash went to the back of the house and pulled back the curtain by the door, peering out he swore. The chickens were already awake, he would have to go through the front door or risk getting caught when the stupid things made a racket. Ash turned and shouldered his pack crossing the main space he slipped past his mother and sisters rooms and was just opening the front door, when he heard movement behind him.

Turning he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was his sister Rhia, instead of his mother. The two siblings looked much alike. Rhia was nine years old with the same white-gold hair as Ash. They had the same high cheekbones, the same pert mouth, the same stubborn chin. In fact the only difference was eye color. Where Rhia had bright blue eyes, like an autumn sky, Ash had slanted orange-gold eyes, like fire. And unlike Rhia, Ash had the elongated pupil that was the mark of someone with magical power.

Yawning, Rhia rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she wasn't used to being awake this early and clearly she had been up for a while, waiting for him. "So you're going big brother? Mom said no."

Shaking his head Ash went and kneeled so he was on eye level with his baby sister. "Come on Ree" Ash used his pet name for Rhia. "When will I ever get another chance to have my magic tested by mages from the academy in Dharsa?"

"Won't they be back in twenty years? You'll be out of the house then, and it won't matter if mom says no." Rhia looked at him, eyes big with trust.

"I'm not willing to wait twenty years. Besides, mom only said no because she's scared they'll take me away to the capital, or that I'll have battle magic, that's the rarest magic there is, what are the odds? Likely I'll just have a little craft magic and won't need training, that will help with our work."

Confused Rhia asked. "Why won't it need training Ash?"

Sighing Ash took on a lecturing tone. "Ree. The magic academy is in the capital city of Dharsa. Only the best of the best go there, most people have only a little magic, so they can teach themselves. Or if they have a bit more they'd go to another mage in their hometown. To go to the academy, you'd have to have either a really powerful Talent or a really rare one."

"Oh." Rhia looked down, scuffing her foot on the floor. "So you're gonna go get tested no matter what, right?"

Ash stood up and ruffled Rhia's hair. "That's right imp. Now go back to bed and get some real sleep before mom wakes up." Nodding Rhia went back to her room, and Ash slipped quietly out the front door.

The town of Hanad was small, but prosperous with many craftsman, so it's main streets were cobbled. The ground was wet with last night’s rain, and the sun was starting to rise on another late spring day. Next week was Ritoon, the first day of summer, that it fell on firesday, rather then on a different day like moonsday or watersday, could be taken as a good omen or an ill one, depending on who you asked. Ash thought it was a good omen, he had been born on a Ritoon firesday, and he was looking forward to this one, the first since his birth. But right now he was more excited about the testing.

He ran through the streets to the town square, their town was small only three or four others in the village were untested mages. Most were ordinary folk without a lick of magic. What mages there were, were craft mages and ran the most successful shops in the village. But they didn't have enough magic power to test for Talents. It was like that most other places too. So once every twenty years the king sent mages from the academy out on a circuit of the country, it took five years to reach every town, when finished they would bring a select few back to the capital to train at the academy. But most people stayed in their village, using magic to make their way of life easier.

The square was packed even though only five people would be tested. Everyone who hadn't seen the last testing wanted to see this one. As a result almost everyone in the village under thirty was in the village square. When Ash finally squeezed through the crowd he found himself in a small open space with the other candidates. Three wore the same plain white peasant shirts as Ash. But Lotus wore a small badge of green, black and blue. The top of her dress was white but the skirts were black slashed with blue and green and her collar and cuffs were the same.

Lotus was the youngest child and only daughter of Hanad's local lord. She wore her father’s colors until such time as she gained her own, or married and wore her husband’s. Her golden hair and violet eyes made her a beauty. She was four months younger then Ash and they had always been friends, the lord hadn't liked his daughter playing with peasant children, but he didn't mind, so long as they had magic like her. Lotus herself didn't care when way or another. She had always been a bit of a tomboy, and didn't want to be the pampered spoiled daughter, married off in an alliance with some other minor lord. Lotus had told Ash in secret that if she didn't make it into the academy, she was going to run away and become an adventurer.

Then there was Shanti, he was short with dark hair and eyes. At sixteen he was still young enough to take pride in his man short hair. The three of them had always been best friends, Shanti's black hair and dark green eyes belied a hot temper and mischievous nature. Shanti was the trickster of the trio and he was forever pulling Ash and Lotus into one mess or another.

Krill was the same age as Ash and Lotus, but he had never been a part of their group. Ash and Krill had been fighting since they were small, and the feud had only grown worse as they grew older. If there was a fight in the town you could almost be sure Ash and Krill would be involved. Krill, with his curly brown hair, tanned skin and dark brown eyes, looked more like a forest spirit then a real human.

The fifth person in the group was the oldest of the five. At twenty-three years old Vennet looked out of place among the teenagers. He had been born just two years after the last testing, and was a bit of an odd soul. His father was one of the mages that lived in the village, and when his dad realised Vennet had magic, he pushed Vennet to get into the academy. Wanting his son to fulfill the ambition that he hadn't been able to. And become a battle mage. Vennet, or Ven for short, had auburn hair, and stormy grey eyes. For Ven though the testing was just a formality, he was already sure that he had healing magic, although he wasn't sure how strong he was.

These five were the ones who mages would test. Lotus flashed Ash a small nervous smile as he joined her and Shanti on wide side of the space, Krill just glared daggers at him. Shanti was excited but nervous his foot tapping like he was ready to bolt, Ven just looked bored. Finally as the sun crested the horizon the crowd parted and the mages joined them in the circle.

There were four of them two men and two women. Each wore the formal robes of a mage, the color denoting their class. The men looked enough alike that you could tell they were father and son. The older of the pair, black hair streaked with white, wore the emerald green robes of an earth mage, while his son wore the bronze of a defensive mage. The women looked alike as well, in fact they were twins, the only thing that set them apart were their robes, one wore the sapphire robes of a healer, while the other wore the crimson and scarlet robes of a battle mage.

It was clear that the earth mage was the leader by default of age, the other three looked to be about twenty-six. That was normal, the king usually sent a single experienced mage with three others who had just won their laurels and graduated from the academy.

The earth mage looked over the five of them, his gaze searching; he smiled slightly when he saw Ash and Krill eyeing each other. Nodding he started the testing with a simple. "Let us begin."

The healer, battle, and defence mages formed a triangle around the earth mage and the five testers, and closed the space between with magic. The walls were the color of silver smoke, and the crowd could only see vague blurred shapes inside. Shanti jumped when the space closed and smiled sheepishly, Ven no longer looked bored, instead he looked eager. Lotus looked nervous and determined all at the same time. The moment they were closed in, Ash and Krill stopped eyeing each other and watched the mage with unblinking stares. Krill's was ambitious, and hungry. Ash's was hungry too, he wanted this power with all his heart, but he was scared as well. For a long time he had suspected what his magic was, but he hadn't dared voice that suspicion even to himself. Behind the fear and the want though, there was a trace of defiance in his steady gaze.

The earth mage met their eyes one by one testing, searching. Finally he pulled a single crystal globe out of his pocket, and began to speak, almost idly. "My name is Hawk, as you can see I am an earth mage. Since you are here, I must assume you already know you have magic, you may even have an inkling of what type of magic it is, although not what your strength is. This test is actually very simple, you hold the globe in your hands and concentrate. The crystal will glow, and the color will tell us what your Talent is. If it is a rare or powerful talent, enough to go to the academy, your shirt, or dress-top, will turn the same color. If that happens we four will accompany you to Dharsa, as this is the last stop in this part of the circuit." Smiling Hawk glanced at them again. "Now, who wants to go first?"

Ven stepped forward without a moment’s hesitation, and held out his hand for the globe. "This isn't going away, so I may as well get this over with." He took the globe and stared into it, grey eyes flashing as he concentrated, calling his magic, his essence. It seemed to take forever but it was only a moment before Ash saw the sapphire glow light the crystal for all to see, when the light faded Ven's white shirt was tinted blue. Ven gasped and shook as if coming out of a trance, and Hawk took the crystal before he dropped it. "A healer, and strong enough to go to Dharsa. Congratulations Ven."

Shanti looked at Hawk wide eyed. "How do you...?"

"Know your names?" Hawk smiled indulgently. "I am a powerful earth mage, I know the names of all things born of the earth. Now since you spoke Shanti, you're next."
He crooked a finger, beckoning Shanti forward.

Gulping, Shanti ran fingers through thick black hair before taking the crystal. He turned it over in his hands studying it from all angles, and when the light came it was the color of molten bronze. This time Ash noticed the light bleed out of the crystal, and as it faded he saw Shanti's shirt was now a light golden brown.

Lotus stepped forward and Shanti passed the crystal to her with shaking hands. Unlike Ven and Shanti, Lotus didn't look at the crystal, instead she closed her eyes, brow furrowed. Again the light came, and again it was a different color, when it faded Lotus' dress-top was a green the color of new leaves.

By this point Hawk was watching with wide eyes. "Three in one town, strong enough to go to Dharsa." He murmured to himself. "I wonder, will all of you pass. That would be a miracle indeed." He took the crystal from Lotus and held it out to Ash but Krill snatched it away before Ash could take it. Rolling his eyes Ash turned and watched Krill hold the stone. Krill held it tightly, as if he thought it would roll away on him. The light came, crimson red, blood red. When the light faded Krill's white shirt was tinted red, so it looked like a dark pink.

Nodding Hawk took the stone from a grinning Krill, "A battle mage. So, young Krill you will fight for your country, if the truce should break." Hawk held the crystal out to Ash. "And now Ash, you are the only one left."

Ash took a deep breath and grasped the stone gently as if it would break if held too hard. He looked into the stone, and thought he saw a flash of light. "This is part of me." Ash thought. "I can't deny it because mom is scared, or because of what happened to dad. I want this with all my heart."

When he opened his eyes Ash saw the others looking at him with wide eyes and dropped jaws, even Hawk failed to hide his surprise. There was a trace of awe on all their faces. Baffled Ash asked. "What? What did I do?"

Lotus looked at him and smiled widely. "Look at your shirt Ash."

Obediently Ash looked down and felt his own jaw drop. His shirt had turned an orange gold. The same color as his eyes. Every child knew what a mage with orange gold magic was. It was the stuff of legends and myths. Hawk took the crystal from him and placed it back in the pouch with trembling hands. "It seems you are a War Mage Ash, the first such born in more then a thousand years."

------------
*for those wondering why war mage and battle mage are different types, it's the level of sheer power and talent, comparing a battle mage to a war mage, is like comparing a pebble to a mountain. Or a puddle to the ocean.*




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Ash woke with a sense that something momentous was going to happen that day.


Er...not a very promising beginning. First of all, having a main character named "Ash" is just...well, Pokemon-ish. Also, the sentence is a bit cheesy. How does Ash feel that something momentous is going to happen?

For a while he lay in his bed trying to figure out what it was, as he remembered Ash jumped out of bed with a shout and ran to get dressed.


This needs to be elaborated more. It could easily be stretched into a longer paragraph of its own. Describe Ash's disorientation in more detail.

Quietly Ash picked up his pack and put a small book and some food in to last until lunch, as he should be back by then. He grabbed the brush and ran it through long hair that ended just below his shoulders, and tied it back with a leather cord. In the country of Qira, the long hair was the sign that someone was still considered a child, only men wore short hair. Ash couldn't wait till his fifteenth birthday next firesday, it would be just one week until he could cut his child-locks.


...um, already I'm starting to feel that your plot is rather...stereotypical. Just how many fantasy novels have opened with the protagonist nearing their presumed "manhood"? I mean, it could work out, depending on the actual plot of the novel, but just from this beginning I'm getting "overused and cliched" vibes.

Is "Qira" pronounced "Chee-ra"? I'm Chinese, so that pronunciation is the one that makes sense for me, but the name might confuse your readers pronunciation-wise. "Quira"? "Kira"? Perhaps you should pick a name more easy to pronounce.


Packed and ready, Ash went to the back of the house and pulled back the curtain by the door. When he peered out, he swore--the chickens were already awake.


Just corrected it to make it flow better. Also, again I'm getting "stereotype" vibes. Having the main character be a farm boy is already overused in epic fantasy. Why not have him start in different circumstances? Maybe as a merchant's child, or a pickpocket, or maybe even a child born in auspicious circumstances? That'd be more original than having him be a farm boy.

Turning he breathed a sigh of relief when he saw it was his sister Rhia, instead of his mother. The two siblings looked much alike. Rhia was nine years old with the same white-gold hair as Ash. They had the same high cheekbones, the same pert mouth, the same stubborn chin. In fact the only difference was eye color. Where Rhia had bright blue eyes, like an autumn sky, Ash had slanted orange-gold eyes, like fire. And unlike Rhia, Ash had the elongated pupil that was the mark of someone with magical power.


Rrrgh. Description info dump. Not good. Also, your description is a tad purple. "Bright blue eyes like an autumn sky"...?


Yawning, Rhia rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she wasn't used to being awake this early and clearly she had been up for a while, waiting for him. "So you're going, big brother? Mom said no."


Added a comma.

Shaking his head Ash went and kneeled so he was on eye level with his baby sister. "Come on Ree," said Ash, using his pet name for Rhia. "When will I ever get another chance to have my magic tested by mages from the academy in Dharsa?"


The name "Dharsa" sounds a tad familiar. It's probably been used before.

Rhia looked at him, eyes big with trust.


That sentence is just awkwardly phrased. Try something like, "trust in her eyes".

"I'm not willing to wait twenty years. Besides, mom only said no because she's scared they'll take me away to the capital, or that I'll have battle magic, that's the rarest magic there is, what are the odds? Likely I'll just have a little craft magic and won't need training, that will help with our work."


I'm liking the magic system you have built here--having different types of magic applied to different situation is certainly interesting.


The town of Hanad was small, but prosperous with many craftsman, so it's main streets were cobbled.


"Its" is a possessive. "It's" means "It is". It would behoove you greatly to learn the difference between the two, as that is one of the biggest mistakes beginner writers make.

The ground was wet with last night’s rain, and the sun was starting to rise on another late spring day. Next week was Ritoon, the first day of summer, that it fell on firesday, rather then on a different day like moonsday or watersday, could be taken as a good omen or an ill one, depending on who you asked. Ash thought it was a good omen, he had been born on a Ritoon firesday, and he was looking forward to this one, the first since his birth. But right now he was more excited about the testing.


I'm liking this whole days system too. You've certainly built up a fairly believable world, unpronounceable names notwithstanding. The magic and the whole different days system seems interesting and believable.

He ran through the streets to the town square, their town was small; only three or four others in the village were untested mages.


Fixed a grammar error.


Most were ordinary folk without a lick of magic. What mages there were, were craft mages and ran the most successful shops in the village. But they didn't have enough magic power to test for Talents. It was like that most other places too. So once every twenty years the king sent mages from the academy out on a circuit of the country, it took five years to reach every town, when finished they would bring a select few back to the capital to train at the academy. But most people stayed in their village, using magic to make their way of life easier.


I like the way you segued from the description of the town to a general descrption to how people use their magic. It flowed very naturally.

Three wore the same plain white peasant shirts as Ash, but Lotus wore a small badge of green, black and blue.


Fixed grammar error.

Lotus was the youngest child and only daughter of Hanad's local lord. She wore her father’s colors until such time as she gained her own, or married and wore her husband’s. Her golden hair and violet eyes made her a beauty. She was four months younger then Ash and they had always been friends, the lord hadn't liked his daughter playing with peasant children, but he didn't mind, so long as they had magic like her. Lotus herself didn't care when way or another. She had always been a bit of a tomboy, and didn't want to be the pampered spoiled daughter, married off in an alliance with some other minor lord. Lotus had told Ash in secret that if she didn't make it into the academy, she was going to run away and become an adventurer.


Description overload infodump again, watch out! Also, Lotus's character sounds a tad too stereotypical. The tomboy childhood friend...

Then there was Shanti, he was short with dark hair and eyes. At sixteen he was still young enough to take pride in his man short hair. The three of them had always been best friends, Shanti's black hair and dark green eyes belied a hot temper and mischievous nature. Shanti was the trickster of the trio and he was forever pulling Ash and Lotus into one mess or another.


Shanti's character sounds interesting enough, but again, beware the description info dump. Have these characters' personalities and friendships be fleshed out through dialogue and character interaction, not infodumps.

Krill was the same age as Ash and Lotus, but he had never been a part of their group. Ash and Krill had been fighting since they were small, and the feud had only grown worse as they grew older. If there was a fight in the town you could almost be sure Ash and Krill would be involved. Krill, with his curly brown hair, tanned skin and dark brown eyes, looked more like a forest spirit then a real human.


Again, beware the infodump! Also, the childhood rival archetype is so overused it's no longer terribly compelling. Krill seems more like a cartoon to me than an actual character.

The fifth person in the group was the oldest of the five. At twenty-three years old Vennet looked out of place among the teenagers. He had been born just two years after the last testing, and was a bit of an odd soul. His father was one of the mages that lived in the village, and when his dad realised Vennet had magic, he pushed Vennet to get into the academy. Wanting his son to fulfill the ambition that he hadn't been able to. And become a battle mage. Vennet, or Ven for short, had auburn hair, and stormy grey eyes. For Ven though the testing was just a formality, he was already sure that he had healing magic, although he wasn't sure how strong he was.


Ven sounds interesting, but again, please, no more infodumps!


These five were the ones who mages would test. Lotus flashed Ash a small nervous smile as he joined her and Shanti on wide side of the space, Krill just glared daggers at him. Shanti was excited but nervous his foot tapping like he was ready to bolt, Ven just looked bored. Finally as the sun crested the horizon the crowd parted and the mages joined them in the circle.


Character interaction! THIS is what I was talking about. Rather than have the huge blocks of information infodumps, that grind the story to a halt and don't progress the plot, have the characters interact. Explain their relationships, their personalities, through the way they talk and react to one another. You could simply have introduced Lotus, Shanti, Krill and Ven by their actions in this paragraph, and then had them interact.

There were four of them two men and two women. Each wore the formal robes of a mage, the color denoting their class. The men looked enough alike that you could tell they were father and son. The older of the pair, black hair streaked with white, wore the emerald green robes of an earth mage, while his son wore the bronze of a defensive mage. The women looked alike as well, in fact they were twins, the only thing that set them apart were their robes, one wore the sapphire robes of a healer, while the other wore the crimson and scarlet robes of a battle mage.


Again, an infodump that does nothing to drive the story forward and brings it to a screeching halt.


The healer, battle, and defence mages formed a triangle around the earth mage and the five testers, and closed the space between with magic. The walls were the color of silver smoke, and the crowd could only see vague blurred shapes inside. Shanti jumped when the space closed and smiled sheepishly, Ven no longer looked bored, instead he looked eager. Lotus looked nervous and determined all at the same time. The moment they were closed in, Ash and Krill stopped eyeing each other and watched the mage with unblinking stares. Krill's was ambitious, and hungry. Ash's was hungry too, he wanted this power with all his heart, but he was scared as well. For a long time he had suspected what his magic was, but he hadn't dared voice that suspicion even to himself. Behind the fear and the want though, there was a trace of defiance in his steady gaze.


Nice; you're showing your characters' personalities through the way they react to the testing. Again, THIS is how you should develop your characters, not dump huge blocks of information on them. The magic seems interesting as well.

Ven stepped forward without a moment’s hesitation, and held out his hand for the globe. "This isn't going away, so I may as well get this over with." He took the globe and stared into it, grey eyes flashing as he concentrated, calling his magic, his essence. It seemed to take forever but it was only a moment before Ash saw the sapphire glow light the crystal for all to see, when the light faded Ven's white shirt was tinted blue. Ven gasped and shook as if coming out of a trance, and Hawk took the crystal before he dropped it. "A healer, and strong enough to go to Dharsa. Congratulations Ven."


Wow, the magic testing seems pretty neat! I'm intrigued, really. I'm liking Ven's character, too, so far given the way he's been acting. Again, you seem to have an idea of how to develop characters by the way they act, react, and interact. So why need the infodumps?


"Know your names?" Hawk smiled indulgently. "I am a powerful earth mage, I know the names of all things born of the earth. Now since you spoke Shanti, you're next."


For some reason, I really just like this paragraph. The wise mentor archetype has been used before, but Hawk seems sufficiently interesting to not just become a stereotypical wall of cardboard (but I am rather biased towards trickster mentors rather than old wise and powerful mentors...) I do like how Hawk seems patronizing here, and seems to have a sense of humor. See, it's these things--dialogue, interaction--that really build characters, not just listing attributes in a big text block.


Gulping, Shanti ran fingers through thick black hair before taking the crystal. He turned it over in his hands studying it from all angles, and when the light came it was the color of molten bronze. This time Ash noticed the light bleed out of the crystal, and as it faded he saw Shanti's shirt was now a light golden brown.


Nice description here, and again, you really didn't need to the infodumps as you're developing Shanti's character quite well without it. But, er, what kind of mage was Shanti?


By this point Hawk was watching with wide eyes. "Three in one town, strong enough to go to Dharsa." He murmured to himself. "I wonder, will all of you pass[b]? That would be a miracle indeed." He took the crystal from Lotus and held it out to Ash but Krill snatched it away before Ash could take it. Rolling his eyes Ash turned and watched Krill hold the stone. Krill held it tightly, as if he thought it would roll away on him. The light came, crimson red, blood red. When the light faded Krill's white shirt was tinted red, so it looked like a dark pink. [/b]

Again, I like the description of the testing, but it does stretch the limits of belief that all these kids from this one town would be powerful enough to go to Dharsa. And I like the description of Krill snatching the crystal from Ash--THAT shows his personality more than an infodump could. Although I'm not terribly partial to the childhood rival archetype as that's been done to death.


Ash took a deep breath and grasped the stone gently as if it would break if held too hard. He looked into the stone, and thought he saw a flash of light. "This is part of me." Ash thought. "I can't deny it because mom is scared, or because of what happened to dad. I want this with all my heart."


Nice, but you should put your thoughts in italics. Just what happened to Ash's dad, by the way? Will it be touched on in your story?


Lotus looked at him and smiled widely. "Look at your shirt, Ash."


You need a comma there.


Obediently Ash looked down and felt his own jaw drop. His shirt had turned an orange gold. The same color as his eyes. Every child knew what a mage with orange gold magic was. It was the stuff of legends and myths. Hawk took the crystal from him and placed it back in the pouch with trembling hands. "It seems you are a War Mage Ash, the first such born in more then a thousand years."


This paragraph just doesn't...flow well. The sentences are too short and choppy. You might want to merge the "His shirt had turned an orange gold--the same color as his eyes" sentences together. Also, remoe the period between the "Every child knew..." and "It was the stuff of..." sentences and replace it with a semicolon; that will make it flow better.

Well, I've got kind of mixed feelings on this. The whole premise seems horribly cliched and overdone--farmboy finds out he's a powerful mage, yip diddly doo, and guess what, he's the first powerful mage of his kind in a thousand years!!! Those stereotyped elements will most likely be enough to turn most readers from your writing, not to mention your usage of infodumps to describe characters. Many of the characters seem a tad stereotyped--in fact, I feel that I like Shanti and Ven more than the others mostly because they don't seem as terribly stereotyped as Ash, Lotus, and Krill in particular.

But at the same time...there's something about your world-building that I just like. The whole description of the magic testing was intriguing, and your magic system is certainly unique enough (at least in my experience; I don't go out of my way to read high fantasy). I like the idea of different magics being applied to different areas like healing, craftmaking, fighting...if I may bring up an anime/manga reference, it's almost like the different classes (Somatic, Dangerous, Special, Latent, etc.) in Gakuen Alice. I also like the description of the different kinds of days, it's just a neat little touch that makes your world seem just a little more real.

In sum, remove the infodumps and work on making your plot more original, but you've got solid ideas here and your magic system is certainly intriguing enough for me to read more.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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Sorry forgot to mention, this is the rough draft. I posted it so I could get a general idea how to improve it. Lotus, isn't so much a tomboy as adventurous, but she's been stifled by her father. And rather then being rivals Ash and Krill genuinely hate each other with a passion. You find out why there are so many from the same town later in the book. If you look at the intro of the testing mages it tells you the colors and types that go together. Blue is healing, green is earth, brown is defense, red is battle.

Oh and he didn't grow up on a farm, his mom is a seamstress, the chickens are just for breakfasts and stuff, I needed an excuse for him to sneak out the front. as for the name Ash like the title its just a tentative name, but Ash is his nickname short for Ashara.
DANCE- Like no-one is watching
LOVE- Like you've never been hurt
SING- Like no-one is listening
LIVE- Like it's heaven on earth.

Please read and review my novel. The title is Fireborn. Here's the link.

novel.php?id=1157




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sylverdawn wrote:And rather then being rivals Ash and Krill genuinely hate each other with a passion.


Well, okay, but does Krill have any redeeming features? It's things like this that make me wary, because usually the hero is painted as undeniably right and always so pure and good while the rival/opposing party is generally portrayed as always completely nasty and irredeemable and so on. If he's just purely nasty, then Krill will just come across as a one-dimensional cardboard cutout. He is a human being; he must have at least one or two redeeming features.

And do Ash and Krill have a reason for hating each other? (That name Krill is just...um, it makes me think about humpback whales).

Well, this is an interesting concept and I for one am interested in seeing where it will go. My hugest issue with this are the infodumps--you've shown yourself perfectly capable of describing characters just by the way they interact with others, so there's really no need to shove all the information about them in a single paragraph.
Ah, it is an empty movement. That is an empty movement. It is.




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This story definetly intrigues me, now for the review you asked for.

You say the main characters name is Ashara, I think that his name should be stated at the beginning as well as stating what people call him for short.

Also you use Ash in a lot of sentences, maybe call him something else once in a while like...a characteristic such as, "the young man" etc.

You do use a lot of description and that isn't a bad thing at all, just try not to glob it all into one paragraph, try to spread it out, elaborate on it, and instead of describing someone's personality show it through how they act and what they say. Someone who is always picking fights and wants to show off such as Kiril would be cocky, I liked how you showed that.

The War Mage thing sounds very intriguing, but the reaction to him being one seemed kind of...dull for a reaction to something that is legendary.

The rest is fairly good, a little stereotypical here and there as well as grammar mistakes, BUT it still seems like it could become a great story.
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Hands covering her face to hide from her fears.




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Reviews 17
Over all, it sounds pretty cool.

Now for the review.

Basically what the other two said lol, but there were places in here which sentences were dragged on where they should have been ended, and others ended too quickly. Grammar errors are a problem, and you have to remember to do editing also, even if this is a rough draft, we can't do it all for you.

As for the name...If you have characters with shortened names, or "pet names", and have a longer name in there, you REALLY need to state it. You should bring him in with his full name, after all, isn't it just his family and friends who call him Ash for short? I also agree with what BloodSunset said, his name is used a *little* too much. Try things like "Ashvara" or "the boy", etc., add flavor.

And as for the magic system...its good, but it reminds me of the "the Circle Opens"(or whatever its called) series by Tamora Pierce, with Briar, Tris, Raja, and the one that starts with an S that I cant remember.

Keep up with the story, can't wait for the next part!
Anti-Peta.

"In Vabbi , I was ambushed by six of them! They wielded blunt wooden sticks and were hissing at me about overdue fines... Bandits? Oh, no. These were library envoys."

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Reviews 13
I won't point out a ton of mistakes, because I think the others already did that pretty well, however, I have a few comments:

first of all, great story line. it catches the reader really well

I like Ash's name, and I don't think it is pokemon-ish, good character descrpitions

you need to work on grammer. I did notice a few mistakes, but they are minor
“I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end."
~Samwise Gamgee
Never give up.




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Ash woke with a sense that something momentous was going to happen that day. For a while he lay in his bed trying to figure out what it was, as he remembered Ash jumped out of bed with a shout and ran to get dressed. He pulled on the black ankle length pants of a craftsman in training, and the white shirt of a peasant. The belt knife, his only weapon, hung from a sheath on a leather belt. Slipping into soft leather boots, Ash ran downstairs quickly.


Nice first paragrapgh, very descriptive.


Quietly Ash picked up his pack and put a small book and some food in to last until lunch, he should be back by then. He grabbed the brush and ran it through long hair that ended just below his shoulders, and tied it back with a leather cord. In the country of Qira, the long hair was the sign that someone was still considered a child, only men wore short hair. Ash couldn't wait till his fifteenth birthday next firesday, just one week until he could cut his child-locks.


I like how you described the rules of the Country. Not many errors so far.


I only read half the story, I won't nit pick it for small errors. And I will be back to read the other half, great story so far.
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"
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I believe Bickazer has covered most everything already (good critique, Bickazer) I too noticed the ‘Eragon feel’. Not that that’s so bad–after all, it worked for what’s-his-name–but you want to be carful. I can already see you’re making the story your own with some fresh ideas–keep doing so. Put it all in, even the stuff that ‘makes your character embarrassed’. Make it real.

Over all, good start.
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Reviews 297
Okay there is a little bit of Eragon in here with the whole farm boy and all then finding out that he is something great. A little bit of Dragonflight too. And Ash does sound a bit pokemonish. Call him Ashana if you don't want to change it or have something sort of related.

There are a few grammar mistakes but they have been pointed out already.

I really like where you are going with this. I liked the magic system and how they found out if they are magical or not. I don't think he should have been wondering why he was being looked at funny when they found out what he was. Did he not already have an idea, it said that earlier in the story. Overall looking pretty good. PM me if you post up another chapter. I wonder what happens next.
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