Dream

In a dream that I had
It was just you and me
It was dark all around
And clouds filled the sky
A light flashed above
Then a crack split the air
And from that one moment
There was rain everywhere
In the middle of the street
We stood hand in hand
When you started saying things
That I didn’t understand
Your hands were in your pocket
At something they pried
And in utter confusion
I broke down and cried
You got on your knees
In the cold and the rain
And you did something to me
That took away all the pain
On my finger you slipped
The most beautiful ring
And that’s when I knew
It was the real thing

This didn't seem to have much depth in it. You seemed to be describing something, but not with things that you felt, so it seemed sort of distant.

The poem seamed like it was describeing someone elses life, and was a little unclear. I did like how it flowed though. It had a nice ring, almost like a chant. The rhimeing confused me a bit though. It seames to start around a third into it. But once it started it seamed nice, verry natural, and none of it seamed forced.

eh...

I know I know
I wasn't really into this one when I wrote it
(I tried, really I did)
I was in the middle of class (heh)
But thank you

gah! you've posted this poem twice. oh well - no matter. i just critiqued it over there, instead.

Yeah I noticed that.. I didn't mean to, any idea how to delete the other one?