The Loser

The Loser

You know what makes a good loser? Practice. – Ernest Hemingway (1899 –1961)


[022.Predator]: Rule of the Jungle

He lost his balance. The burger, the milk, the fries and the cheese cake, all of it landed on the filthy cafeteria floor.

He tripped --
and joined his lunch.

The cafeteria went silent. And then, slowly, it started –

It started as a whisper. Small and poisonous, planting itself into the brains, sprouting roots faster than any other weed.

Soon it grew into a faint hissing and rattling, created by a thousand snakes, drawn closer by the smell of fresh bait.

The predators were hungrily setting eyes upon their prey.

The word, now an angry and fierce snapping, echoed from every mouth – silent and spoken:

“Loser.”





This is supposed to be for Cal's character contest, I'm not sure I will make the deadline, so I need all the help I can get. Any comments or tips for this would be great. More parts are to come soon.

Thank you!

I have nothing bad to say...this is great!

I like th imagery, and I love that the Loser and the cafeteria kids are described as predator and prey, since kids pretty much behave like that in such a setting. I'm looking forward to more!

Yeah, I couldn't find anything wrong here! It's really great, I'm eager for more! Let me know when the next chapter is up?


Adios!

Shannon

[057.Leaf]: Gravity

In the summer when he was a four-year-old boy, he had loved the sky. Every day his parents had taken him to the playground and as soon as he had seen the “shwings” there had been no stopping him. He had tried to touch the sky with his small blue shoes and begged his daddy to swing him up higher and higher, so he would finally get closer to that wide open sky.

He had always envied the leaves up on the trees he had never been able to pass with his feet. They were so close, maybe they were even already in the sky. Sometimes he had dreamt of being a leaf himself, so he could be in the sky.

With the beginning of fall fell the leaves. The little boy had panicked, run across the playground and tried to catch each and every leaf, to keep it from falling to the ground. Quickly he had noticed that he couldn’t. He had cried and cried and asked his parents why the sky didn’t allow the leaves to stay, why the tree was throwing them off, why they were losing their color and didn’t the sky love them anymore?


Now, in the fall ten years later the Loser kept his eyes on the ground. The ground collected the things people stepped on, the things that couldn’t resist gravity. Or didn’t, because it was inevitable either way. Bugs, old soda cans, dirt, dead leafs.

The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky hadn’t allowed him in, why he was now one of the bugs and dead leafs and didn’t the sky love him?

But the Loser’s parents had fallen with the leafs last fall. And the sky didn’t care.

Hey Kalliope! Here's your review. ^_^

OVERVIEW:

To start with, even though you've posted two parts, it's very, very short. Short enough that you almost don't have enough even to be critiqued, since we haven't got to see enough development to really get into the meat of the story. You've set it up, yes, but I'll touch on some problems with that in a sec. But the best general advice I can give you on this is that you should not let it turn into a sob story. No one wants to read a novel in which the main character thinks he is a loser (whether he really is or not) and will always believe that he's worthless and unfit to be a normal person.

If this is a story of growth, in which the MC will finall realize that he's not a loser and will end up being the better for it, then fine, but with what you have here, I can't really see what directions you're going in. Just make sure you don't turn it into a "feel sorry for me cuz I'm sad" kinda thing and I'm sure it will be fine. ^_^

CHARACTERS:

First off, please give your MC a name. Don't only call him "The Loser" because that gets very pathetic, very fast. Nobody wants to read a story in which your MC is referred to as a loser the entire time.

As for characters, you seem to have introduced a few here, although only one of them has any substance as of yet. We've got the Loser (again, please give him a name), and his parents. You've developed the Loser a bit, but his parents just seem like plot devices at the moment. Did the last line mean they died? If so, then you've got some problems with that.

First, we'll start with the Loser. Obviously, his life's not going so great. But then again, who's life is? So he tripped in a cafeteria. Is that really enough to brand him for life, to actually cause him to refer to himself as a loser? If so, then he's got some seriously jacked up self-esteem issues, because everyone goes through embrassment, and rarely do any allow those type of experiences to define their whole existence.

We don't know anything about your MC yet, and you tell us he's a loser. To me that's a bad first impression in my opinion because 1) We don't know anything about him and therefore don't personally care about him, and 2) Since we don't care about him, we're really not going to care about the fact that he's a loser.

You want people to feel for your character, don't you? You want them to actually care about what happens to them. But we can't do that if you don't let us get to know the character first. My advice would be to totally scrap the first part, and instead introduce your MC in a different light. First off, you must give him a NAME. When that's out of the way, you can start working on letting us get familiar with him.

Now he can still be a loser, sure, but instead of saying "Hey, this guy's a loser", which make the reader say, "So what?", you can instead say something along the lines of "Here's this really sweet, caring guy who wants to make friends but has trouble fitting in". This makes the reader say "Aww, I don't want him to be a loser because he's so nice!"

In both cases, he's still a loser. But by introducing him in a light that allows us like your MC and actually become engaged with his personality, the reader ends up actually caring about him and whether or not he'll stay a loser forever.

An example of how you can do this would be introducing him in a scene at school, when you have him interacting with a friend (assuming he has one friend, at least) and show what kind of person he is, so we can get to know him. Then, gradually, you can make it known that he's actually not very popular at school, and that people downright think he's a loser. But do this subtly, without every shouting "this guys a hopeless loser" which you seem to do in the first part. You can instead do this by showing how awkward he is when he tries to talk with his peers, maybe describe people whipering about him as he walks down the hall, and also describe his inner turmoil as he goes through his day, because obviously feeling unliked can have a negative effect on him personality.

But please, do somethinge else besides "HE FELL ON HIS FACE AND EVERYONE LAUGHED". This gives us nothing but a horrible cliche and story that your reader will put down the second he finished the first page. So you must change this, if you ever hope to have the reader care about your character, and ultimately, your story.

Now, on to the parents. For now, you only give us a glimpse of them in the MC's memories, but then go on say they're dead (I assume) right afterwards? Now you've set up another horrible cliche by giving the MC anonymous dead parents, which you think might make us feel sorry for him but in reality really doesn't. So his parents are dead. So far we don't know him, and we really don't know his parents, so why should we care? It's like hearing a story on the news about some people getting murdered. Yeah, sure, you feel bad for a second, but ultimately you don't really end up getting all depressed about it because you don't personally know the people involved.

Now this is not saying that the parent's can't be dead, but you have to incorporate a way to make that fact meaningful and relevant to the story. For example, you can have memories of the MC interacting with his parent's (not just mentioning they were there) so we can get an idea of their relationship and how much he cared about them. If it ends up that the MC's loved his parents more than anyone, then this would make their death meaningful in that we actually got to know them a bit, and it would add to the internal struggles that the MC's has about his present life. But again, don't just say "HE HAD PARENTS BUT OOPS THEY'RE DEAD".

PLOT:

There's a fatal flaw in your story so far. None of your scenes have a real conflict. When I say conflict, I mean one of your character's has a goal (something he/she wants) and there is some obstacle getting in the way of their goal becoming a reality. So far, your scenes are like snapshots, and not really stories yet.

The first part just shows him falling and getting laughed at. It's like just saying "this happened". You can actuall turn into a legitimate conflict by giving your MC a goal, and actually developing the scene further. So imagine your MC is eating lunch as normal, except he's hoping to go talk to a girl across the room that he has a crush on.

If he were happend to fall flat on his face while on his way to go to talk to her, then BAM, you have a conflict going on. He has a goal of talking to her, but his humiliating fall stops him from doing that, because he's forced to flee the scene out of embarrassment. See this way the reader is more engaged in the story, because instead of just witnessing some anynomous person fall on his face, the reader feels and is sympathetic with you MC, and will actually cringe and feel something when he falls, because you've set him as a real person with wants and needs. And when you engage your reader in those wants and needs of your character, and then stop your character from getting them, you cause your reader to care. And that's all important.

The same with the second part. Where is the conflict? All you have is a flashback, and then awkwardly jump to the present where nothing really happens. Give your MC a goal, and make something happen to stop him from getting it. Conflict is essential, believe me. If you ever have any questions about setting up conflict or anything like that, please PM me.

TO CONCLUDE:

Overall, this has potential. It can be something really good, in fact. But you've got to seriously consider the fundamental elements of your story telling to really be able to bring its full potential out. Please, take what I've said into consideration, and start making changes. Because I'm sorry to say as it stands now, it's not a very good story. But this is due to the way your telling it. Change up the way you tell it, and it can become an awesome story.

Happy Writing! ^_^

[s]BlackGhost[/s]

This is really great. It's a different approach to the classic story of "the loser."
Those last few sentences were great.
"The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky hadn’t allowed him in, why he was now one of the bugs and dead leafs and didn’t the sky love him?

But the Loser’s parents had fallen with the leafs last fall. And the sky didn’t care."

Beaautiful.

Keep me posted when you update!

xoxo,

Shannon

You got some real good stuff here... but that guys review up there has some good points... along with some real stupid ones! no im kidding... kinda... first off i like the first part alot.. actually i read this a little and then just stopped.. like oh this is just another one of those cliche highschool 'new guy loser' type things.. but then i liked the flow so kept reading... i like how you described the seen. you gave a cliche whoops i fell lets all laugh at them cliche and turned it into something with real feeling and substance. although a couple things i saw... this ones just me.. i think you could of used something better then... it grew faster than any other weed. its ok, but me thinks it could be better.. just sounds a bit flat.. like give something more specific. jew know? and then...

soon it grew into a faint hissing and rattling, created by a thousand snakes, drawn closer by the smell of fresh bait.

it confused me... the commas make the a thosand snakes, make me think its gonna tell what created the thosand snakes... yuou know? im not sure i do?.. but... soon it grew into a faint hissing and rattling, created by a thosand snakes drawn closer by the smell and blah blah... just sounds better to me... you know... cause isnt created by the thosand snakes drawn cloer, one idea, one idea that a thosand snakes drawn closer by the fresh bait created a faint hissing? right, so i think im justified when i say that comma should go. tell me if im wrong here people.. ok.. oh and u might look at your word choice for "faint".. like faint has its pluses... its kinda far off, like a whisper, like theyre saying under their breaths.. but then that kinda takes away from the cruilty the kids have... laughing and pointing and saying it aloud is alot crueler... and if that is implied.. faint hinders it... and another reason faint is a bad choice..

It started as a whisper. Small and poisonous, planting itself into the brains,

so you even said it WAs a whisper, but now is loud.. so uphold my decision on the word faint... and you should change brains to brain. into the brains? which brains... THE brains makes me think you are talkinga bout several specific brains, like the brains of susie and johnny minomic.. you know.. and well i think u wrote it as a generilization, right? so make it, the brain. as it refers to the brain in gernal... you know?...other then this i liked it. and i would say you ahve introd 3 people. the loser his parents and his classmates. the loser is a loser, and for what i conducted from the story, is a natural loser. i like that. thers no reason why i shouldnt like him, and his shool mates dont like him, so i like him even more! please dont give me a reason not to like him.. like please dont give him, later on, a description that he is wearing a black hoodie with retro converses please.... and then the second part... way toooo many hads... had had had had had had.... waaay toooo many.... i was very disapointed when i read it... again, very good content and character description, but a lot of grammar holes... so... now... these are good intros.... establishing a good emotion with the character... so now i have high expectations for this... youve gone to a flashback to his childhood.. back to his roots.. back where all of his desires and problems stem from... hes a fee gloating leaf in the air and now hes a peice of poop on the floor. coolio. please dont turn this into... im sick of being the loser, and now ill listen to that one guy and try to get a girlfriend and all while not tripping and falling into a garbage can. have him like leave home and journey to china to become a budist monk or something....

"The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky hadn’t allowed him in, why he was now one of the bugs and dead leafs and didn’t the sky love him?

and ps a nother quick example.. i think this happens a few times.. but this is read confusingly cause it reads like a statement but then it has the question mark right? see thats like your sentence. the sentence is a statement not a question cause like YOU stated that the loser would of like to have asked his parents, yhou arnt actually quoting the loser, but if you were, then you could use the ?. cause the last part, and didnt the sky love him? sounds like YOU are asking his parents, when YOU blantently said HE asked... lol unless hes like bob dole and he addresses himself in the third... like, bob dole wonders why the sky let bob dole in, doesnt the sky love him? see what ima sayin? and it also sounds like youre asking a qestion to me... didnt the sky love him? I dont know, did it? i know the kid loved the sky, but apparently the sky didnt love him... so listen to this sentence and see if it doesnt make you feel good in the morning... "The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky didnt allow him in, and why he was now just one of the bugs and dead leafs on the ground; didn't the sky love him anymore? or if you wanted the last part to be a question he asked his parents, "The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky didnt allow him in, why he was now just one of the bugs and dead leafs on the ground, and didn't the sky love him?.. even that sounds odd... and i added the'just' to give more specific and the ground because its like hes on the ground instead of in teh air.. you know... and i changed the had to didnt.. cause you gots to many hads! but all im sayin is the original sentence needs to be rewritten... cause if you turned this into a english teacher, and she took off for incorrect grammer.. i think you know where im going with this.... but forget it this is a good story good content, cause its on the inside that counts... and this dost got guts

I love it so much! You amaze me! I could picture every thing perfectly and it was just amazing. One thing, I woudnt mind if your posts were longer. It would make meh happy! But other than that keep it up!

The Loser

You know what makes a good loser? Practice. – Ernest Hemingway (1899 –1961) [An interesting choice of quote. I don't know that I quite agree with the sentiment but it's very abrupt and gets the reader thinking directly.]

[022.Predator]: Rule of the Jungle

He lost his balance. The burger, the milk, the fries and the cheese cake, all of it landed on the filthy cafeteria floor.

He tripped --

and joined his lunch. [I'm not sure about the format or this little bit. I think it would be just as effective to have the whole sentence on the same line without the dashes between the two parts.]

The cafeteria went silent. And then, slowly, it started – [That first sentence could be more interesting. Perhaps 'Silence swallowed the cafeteria, starting at epicentre and creeping to the very edges.' or something a little more dramatic.]

It started as a whisper. Small and poisonous, planting itself into the brains, sprouting roots faster than any other weed. [Good imagery.]

Soon it grew into a faint hissing and rattling, created by a thousand snakes, drawn closer by the smell of fresh bait.

The predators were hungrily setting eyes upon their prey. [Maybe a little more descriptione here. Of how the predators look. At how the corners of their lips twitch in apprehension.]

The word, now an angry and fierce snapping, echoed from every mouth – silent and spoken:

“Loser.”

[A very good scene. I think it could be extended to concentrate a little more on your prey, on the loser and to give us just a tiny bit of a feel for his emotions but it's good. You have some lovely imagery and the atmosphere is well built.]

[057.Leaf]: Gravity

In the summer when he was a four-year-old boy, he had loved the sky. Every day his parents had taken him to the playground and as soon as he had seen the “shwings” there had been no stopping him. He had tried to touch the sky with his small blue shoes and begged his daddy to swing him up higher and higher, so he would finally get closer to that wide open sky. [Hmmm. This isn't a very powerful start, especially against the last. Is it really necessary to tell us that this was when the person was four? Or would it work to be more vague? Could you have something like 'He had loved the sky. How nothing but the sun, splitting through the clouds, had been able to shatter that huge expanse of blue. Every Summer day his heart would leap at the thought of the playground and another chance to sit on those 'shwings' and kick his little blue shoes toward the sky. “Higher, higher!” he would beg, delighting in the increasing closeness.']

He had always envied the leaves up on the trees he had never been able to pass with his feet. [Maybe 'He had always envied the leaves who fluttered beyond his feet.] They were so close, [Perhaps high instead of close?] maybe they were even already in the sky. Sometimes he had dreamt of being a leaf himself, so he could be in the sky.

With the beginning of fall [Comma here.] fell the leaves. The little boy had panicked, run across the playground and tried to catch each and every leaf, to keep it from falling to the ground. Quickly he had noticed [Possibly realised?] that he couldn’t. He had cried and cried and asked his parents why the sky didn’t allow the leaves to stay, why the tree was throwing them off, why they were losing their color and didn’t the sky love them anymore?


Now, in the fall ten years later the Loser kept his eyes on the ground. [Maybe 'Ten years had passed since then and the Loser kept his eyes on the ground.'] The ground collected the things people stepped on, the things that couldn’t resist gravity. Or didn’t, because it was inevitable either way. Bugs, old soda cans, dirt, dead [s]leafs[/s] leaves.

The Loser would have liked to ask his parents why the sky hadn’t allowed him in, why he was now one of the bugs and dead [s]leafs[/s] leaves and didn’t the sky love him?

But the Loser’s parents had fallen with the [s]leafs [/s]leaves' last fall. And the sky didn’t care.

[This section could start out stronger but the sentiment is lovely and for such a very short piece, the atmosphere is very strong. I think you could make it a little longer to give more characterization to the boy and his parents so the reader is more taken aback by the revelation that they've since died and also, I'd like to see more of a contrast between who the Loser used to be and who he is now. Why not give him a name as a boy, show that he had somewhere to go in life, that he had goals and plans and desires and then show how he's changed and give some hints as to other events in his life; fill this out a bit.

Let me know if you make any changes or if you have questions about how to expand this and such,

Heather xx]