The Butterflies

As I was prancing with the butterflies
I got the urge to stretch my thighs
And thus doing hit a boy with some french fries
And in surprise I made him rise
I saw nothing in his eyes
He was absorbed in his french fries
And I went on prancing with the butterflies

As I was prancing with the butterflies
I was made aware of some big black flies
They zoomed around then went through my eyes
I yelled and clutched them in surprise
But hardly buffeted the big black flies
They ripped a hole three times my size
And through the hole went all the butterflies

As I was prancing without the butterflies
I recalled the big black flies
And realized how they had made me wise
For as a child on its mother relies
So I had clung unto the butterflies
So I turned my back on the hole thrice my size
And went on prancing as I would have, otherwise.

okay, i think maybe i should get rid of the beginning paragraph, and the last line is odd. please critique.

aszecsei wrote:As I was prancing with the butterflies
I got the urge to stretch my thighs
And thus doing hit a boy with some french fries
And in surprise I made him rise
I saw nothing in his eyes
He was absorbed in his french fries
And I went on prancing with the butterflies>>>I like this paragraph keep it

As I was prancing with the butterflies
I was made aware of some big black flies
They zoomed around then went through my eyes
I yelled and clutched them in surprise
But hardly buffeted the big black flies
They ripped a hole three times my size
And through the hole went all the butterflies>>>>I think this is the perfect ending to this paragragh

As I was prancing without the butterflies
I recalled the big black flies
And realized how they had made me wise
For as a child on its mother relies
So I had clung unto the butterflies
So I turned my back on the hole thrice my size
And went on prancing as I would have, otherwise.

>>>nice ending, I think it fits perfectly.

_____________

Hello there, I'm Max and I just realized no one had bothed to crit this which is a shame because this is actually very good. I like the great graphics that this painted me. I like the title it actually draws attention maybe you could use something else mayeb like "Black Butterflies" I dunno just a thought but I really liked it, and i know I say this alot but it's just because it's true not bad. Really. I think you should break the paragraphs maybe a little smaller. Anyways Good luck, keep writing, hope to hear more from you soon. PM me if you have any questions or comments

as always
-Max

Well... it was origional.. im sorry but that was the weirdest poem i had ever read. you should write another type of poetry, or write stories instead. im not trying to be rude.. but that was extreamly weird..

but you do have a good sence of rhythm

the weirdness was sorta the point of the poem. it is a reflection of my inner pool of randomness. also, i think it would be less weird if you thought about what the narrator is. for me, it is immediately a dog, but then when you think about it, it's really the wind.

i have to say i actually love this poem! its so unique and i understand what it means after you explained it was about the wind.
great job x

Overall...what happened? Is this a lymeric, where things are exagerated, or is it just an rhyming poem that isn't supposed to make sense? The rhymes are tedious to read-
and the whole "hole twice my size'" thing doesn't let the reader know what actually happened. Where is the 'hole'? Is it in your head? If it's in your head, then you should be dead at the end of the poem. Maybe I'm overly litteral, but that's me.
What happened? You stretched your thies and hit the guy in the beginning, but why?
Who was he, anyway? Why was he so absorbed in his french fries? Why was he there if you're also there running with the buttterflies? What is the poem even about?
Are you at some sort of a sports stadium or a baseball/soccer field?

Sort of an exaggerated poem designed to cause more questions than it answers.