black heart, dark shadows

im not sure id i got this in the right catagory but w/e

Black Hearts, Dark Shadows

Evil lurks
Hairs on end
Temptation smirks
Courage pretends

Angry shadows
Back seas
Barren meadows
Unfitting keys

Dark maze
Shifting silhouettes
Unsettles craze
Haunting minuets

Mortifying blindness
Vanishing bearings
Bitter sweetness
Unforgivable hearings

First, please capitalize your I's, even if it's just in a message on the top of the real post (pet peeve of mine). Second, this isn't really a poem. It's more like a list of some scary-type things. There's no point to it, and no punctuation, for that matter. If you built a poem around these phrases it could be good.

CK Lynn wrote:First, please capitalize your I's, even if it's just in a message on the top of the real post (pet peeve of mine). Second, this isn't really a poem. It's more like a list of some scary-type things. There's no point to it, and no punctuation, for that matter. If you built a poem around these phrases it could be good.

Yes, please capitalize your I's! When you don't it gives the impression you're immature and lazy.

And also like CK said, this isn't much of a poem. I mean sure, these things represent fear, but that's it. It's a list. Way too much telling. And not enough imagery.

I suggest reading an article. I don't know if you'll take the time to actually do that, but I can assure you that it is beneficial.

Imagery
Please read it.

P.S I returned the favor! You reviewed my poem, so I reviewed yours. I hope you don't think I'm evil for saying something negative. But I always tell the truth!

no its all good..this is the thing i am looking for...it really helps and its even better when ppl can be honest about it...ill review the article and re work the poem..thanx all!!!

There were a couple of lines that didn't make sense...


"Back seas"
I've never heard of a back sea...so it confused me a little bit.

I noticed that a lot of it is just jumbled together...it doesn't really make sense. it sounds more like phrases instead of a whole poem.


A poem is like a quilt. it consists of many parts, but the parts are all sewn together and they transition easily from piece to piece.

I hope you enjoyed my analogy and my review. lol.

[quote="Dark Star"][i]im not sure id i got this in the right catagory but w/e[/i]

Black Hearts, Dark Shadows

Evil lurks
Hairs on end
Temptation smirks
Courage pretends>>I liked how you used this wording it just flows, I like it.

Angry shadows
Back seas>>back seas? Hmm..
Barren meadows
Unfitting keys>>very bright this was a good way to not force the rhyme but let it come to YOU

Dark maze
Shifting silhouettes
Unsettles craze
Haunting minuets>>>I dunno what vibe I'm getting from this paragraph but I don't like it...

Mortifying blindness
Vanishing bearings
Bitter sweetness
Unforgivable hearings[/quote]>>ok it's an OK way to finish your poem
_____

Hello there, I'm Max.

Ok I'll start out by saying this was a great beggining but a sad ending it wasn't the greatest poem I've read but it's catchy, like a logo kinda. I love the name of it that's what drew me in, in the first place, it felt like your poetry dares please like Shell Silversten come in come in I think you should expand this piece. good luck, keep writing, PM me for any questions or comments or if you just wanna chat.

As always

-Max

i personally think this is absolutly great and it has power and meaning and emotion to it. But i see where people would think that it's a little choppy. There arent many words to it but i dont think you should change anything and it's great the way it except for the last part....that last section doesnt go together and the rhyming is off other than that it's perfect

The poem was back and forth but it was dark and yes i know me saying that is redundant but i liked it. I do write but i don't post many of my poems because having to read them aloud to my class is already bad enough lol. I only write dark poems and i admire that you found a rhyming scheme that worked, i have tried to do that so many times and failed.

Your poem was great i'm sorry for the speal about myself but your poem was very awesome. i guess awesome quite isn't the best word when talking about dark times but it was awesome.

Perhaps it would be better if you made more of a story out of it? I'm not a massive poet and barely write it but i do read it quite a bit. Although I'm suggesting this, i must say that you have used some powerful words and some good personification also! (temptation smirks)