Tainted Blood Ch.2 Part 1

First I want to say sorry its so short but I am extremely busy and I will have the next chapter up soon.
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It was ten years ago, and it was a stormy midnight. I was reading in my room with the flashlight on and the door closed because Aralee only allowed me to stay up until 9:30.

I heard four distinctive knocks on our wooden front door. I instantly closed the book thinking Aralee was about to peek in. I overheard a defined male voice and Aralee’s. Faintly I heard the two talking.

“I don’t know what you're talking about.” Aralee said.

“Yes you do, and for now I will let you have her, but when she turns eighteen she becomes mine, understand?” it was the stranger’s voice.

“No! You will never have her, she is mine and you will not force her, it’s her choice.”

“I’m afraid not, it is what she was born to become, and please keep your voice down, don't wake the child. She doesn't need to have to know me, not yet.

They continued the conversation but they lowered their voices and I couldn't hear them for a while, but I kept my ears alert.

“Stay away from her” Aralee hissed “Now leave!”

The door slammed shut and a sob escaped from Aralee. Then I heard her footsteps heading up the stairs. I quickly turned off the flashlight, and slid both book and flashlight under the bed. I pulled the comforters over my head and feigned sleep. She opened the door and walked over to the bed. She stroked my hair, and whispered a tearful “I love you”. She exited the room and cracked the door behind her.

I decided never to bring the subject up in front of Aralee. I let her assume that I had never heard the exchange, but maybe tonight I needed to know what went on. I finally came to a decision that when Aralee got home from work I would sit down and talk to her about it.

I watched the clock, it had just turned eight, I counted the seconds. She should walk in any time now. She finally walked in the door at 8:07. I decided to wait until she had settled down. She worked as a professional gymnastics coach, she trained girls level 8 and above. It was a tiring job.

I approached the subject. "Aralee remember went I was seven?"

"Yes, I do. You were so sweet and cute with your pigtails"

"No, Aralee, I mean there was a certain night ten years ago I want some answers to."

Aralee turned pale, She looked shocked and that I knew about the event.

""How... how...?"

"I was awake. I heard the whole thing. Well, most of it. I want to know what happened." Suddenly, a crazy idea came to my mind. "That man... was he my father?" I choked out, my eyes watering.

Aralee sat there a while, and she thought. She finally spoke, "I was going to tell you about it on your eighteen birthday, so you could decide what you wanted. But apparently you have known about it for ten years. I still am not going to tell you until your eighteenth birthday, because..."

"Mom, it's okay. I have waited ten years, I can wait two more weeks until I turn eighteen. You don't have to tell me now." I said comforting her. I was impatient sure, but I could not hurt Aralee, she was my mother after all, and this did include her too.

"I swear I wasn't going to keep it from you forever, please don't be mad. I still see you as my little girl," she tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "And, knowing you, I doubt you'd believe me, anyway."

"So, we will talk the day I turn eighteen"

"Yes" Aralee was relieved she looked so thankful. I could wait, I could. I did not want to force the information out of her.

At twelve that night I awoke again to the nightmare, except this time though I recognized the alley, it was the one that was a block from our house. This time it seemed more realistic than the others. I broke into a cold sweat...

Hey,

I thought this was a pretty good chapter, though I wish there was more to it. However I know it takes a lot of time to write a story and sometimes you just don't have that time. But anyway here is the things that I would fix.

"Mom, it okay. I have waited ten years, I can wait 2 more weeks until I turn eighteen.

It is just the 'it' that should be changed to 'it's'.

Overall I think that it is written well the only things is that you could discribe the characters a bit more so that the reader can get a better picture in their head.

Other then that nicely done and keep up the great work

Cait

Hi well done its a good chapter again. Just A couple of really small things i picked up on

"I was awake and listening the night that stranger came to visit, and I want to know what it was about. I choked out, "Was that my father you were talking to?"

just missed inverted commas on this sentence

Aralee sat there a while, and she thought. She finally spoke, "I was going to tell you about it on your eighteen birthday, so you could decide what you wanted. But apparently you have known about it for ten years. I still am not going to tell you until your eighteenth birthday, because..."

you've just jumped from 7 years ago to 10 years

really well done, dont worry about not writing much sometimes we just dont have time to write. Also stop worrying about it being like twilight because so far i've not noticed any similarities, just write what you feel and it will all be fine
xx

Sorry, this is my first critique, so bear with me.

It was 10 years ago, and it was a stormy midnight, I was 7 years old. I was reading in my room with the flashlight on and the door closed because Aralee only allowed me to stay up until 9:30.

How I would write it: Ten years ago, on a stormy night, I was reading in my room. It was nearly midnight, and Aralee only allowed me to stay awake until nine-thirty. So I closed my door and attempted to read the tiny words of my book with just a flashlight.

I changed it around a lot (sorry) but I wanted to make it flow better. The information is all there still.

I heard four distinctive knocks on our wooden front door. I instantly closed the book thinking Aralee was about to peek in. I overheard a defined male voice and Aralee’s. Faintly I heard the two talking.

How I would write it: I heard a sound coming from the front of the house. Instantly, I closed the book and flipped off the flashlight. I was silent, trying to hear if Aralee was coming to check on me. Instead I heard not just Aralee, but another voice, a man's.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” Aralee said.

[How I would write it: "I don't know what you're talking about," Aralee said.

Unless Aralee is a grammar freak, I don't think she'd say 'you are', instead, like most people, she'd say you're. And the punctuation at the end is messed up.

“Yes you do, and for now I will let you have her, but when she turns eighteen she becomes mine, understand?” it was the stranger’s voice.

My version: "Yes you do. For now I will let you have her, but when she turns eighteen she becomes mine, understand?"

I don't think there is really any reason to say that it is the stranger, the reader can sort of figure it out, especially if Aralee and the main character are the only people in the house.

“No, you will never have her, she is mine and you will not force her, it’s her choice.”

“I’m afraid not dear one, it is what she was born to become.”

My version: "No! You'll never have her! She's mine and you can't force her to, it's her choice."

"I'm afraid not. It's what she was born to become."

I left out the dear one because it doesn't make much sense, these two people don't seem to be getting along very well. Sorry if there is something going on I don't know. If you are attached to the 'dear one' write it like this: "I'm afraid not, dear one. It is what...."

They continued the conversation but they lowered their voices and I couldn't hear them for a while. The last thing I heard was Aralee.

My version: "Shush!" Aralee hissed, "don't wake the poor child!"

Their words were inaudible. I kept my ears alert, wondering what they could be talking about.

“Stay away from her” Aralee hissed “Now leave!”

My version: "Stay away from her!" Aralee shrieked. "Now leave!" The door slammed, and the voices were no more.

You don't need to say the thing about Aralee being the last person you hear talk because you put her name in the dialogue (did that make any sense?)

The door slammed and a sob escaped from Aralee. Then I heard her footsteps heading up the stairs. I quickly turned off the flashlight, and slid both book and flashlight under the bed. I pulled the comforters over my head and feigned sleep. She opened the door and walked over to the bed. She stroked my hair, and whispered a “I love you”. She exited the room and cracked the door behind her.

My version: I heard soft footsteps heading up the stairs. Quickly, I shoved the book and flashlight under my pillow. Just as my head hit the pillow and I closed my eyes in a feigned sleep, the door cracked and Aralee stepped in. She knelt next to my bed and stroked my hair, sniffling. Into my ear she whispered a tearful "I love you", and left the room leaving the door cracked behind her.

I left out the part where she could hear Aralee crying from downstairs, because:
a. Main Character probably couldn't hear her
b. Aralee doesn't want to wake Main Character up.

I decided never to bring the subject up in front of Aralee. I let her assume that I had never heard the exchange, but maybe tonight I needed to know what went on. I finally came to a decision that when Aralee got home from work I would sit down and talk to her about it.

My version:Ten years passed, and I never found it in myself to bring up the subject in front of Aralee. I let her assume that I knew nothing of the exchange between her and the mysterious man.

However, my heart always yearned for answers. I felt that I deserved answers, after all the conversation obviously involved me.

She walked in the door at 8:07. I decided to wait until she had settled down. She worked two jobs, a morning one at a gym coaching and another waitressing. She had dropped out of high school on account of having me.

One afternoon, I could not wait any longer. I sat at the table waiting, my eyes fixed on the clock. Aralee was supposed to come home from work at eight. It was 7:57.

When I was born, Aralee dropped out of high school so she could take care of me. She now worked two jobs; [idk what job to put here] and another waitressing.

I nervously tapped my fingers on the table. It was 8:02. Where was she?

Aralee walked in the door seven minutes late.

....Ok, my biggest problem with this section is the if they are so poor, why do they live in a two-story house? I took out the part about her training at the gym because gym coaches (personal trainers?) make loads of money. They don't need to work two jobs. And it just didn't fit in with what I know about her character. Maybe I'm missing something here.. Oh yeah, and why does Main Character call Aralee by her first name is Aralee is her mom? Again.. I'm missing something (should have read other chapters)

I approached the subject. "Aralee remember went I was seven?"

"Yes, I do. You were so sweet and cute with your pigtails-"

"No, Aralee, I mean there was a certain night ten years ago I want some answers to."

My version: After giving her a few minutes to set down her purse and pour herself a cup of coffee, I carefully approached the subject. "Aralee?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Remember when I was seven?"

Aralee chuckled. "Oh yes. You were so sweet and cute with your pigtails-"

"No, Aralee. I meant one night ten years ago. I want to know what happened."

Aralee turned pale and she looked shocked and surprised that I knew about the event.

"How do you know about that?''

"I was awake and listening the night that stranger came to visit, and I want to know what it was about. I choked out, "Was that my father you were talking to?"

My version: It was evident that Aralee knew exactly what night I was talking about, for her face drained of color and her mouth hung open.

"How... how...?" (sorry, bad grammar prolly)

"I was awake. I heard the whole thing. Well, most of it. I want to know what happened." Suddenly, a crazy idea came to my mind. "That man... was he my father?" I choked out, my eyes watering.

Sorry if there are to many '...' I put them a lot in my dialogue... it makes it seem more beleivable and realistic to me.

Aralee sat there a while, and she thought. She finally spoke, "I was going to tell you about it on your eighteen birthday, so you could decide what you wanted. But apparently you have known about it for ten years. I still am not going to tell you until your eighteenth birthday, because..."

My version: Silent tears dribbled down Aralee's cheeks. She sat silently in deep thought. At last, she spoke. "I was going to explain to you on your eighteenth birthday, so you could decide for yourself. But apparently," she chortled tearfully, "you have known about it for a decade. Yet I think I still will wait until your birthday to tell you, because..." her words faded and she was silent again.

"Mom, it's okay. I have waited ten years, I can wait 2 more weeks until I turn eighteen. You don't have to tell me now " I said comforting her. I could wait.

"I promise I was going to tell you, please don't be angry with me, its just that I still see you as my little girl, and you wouldn't believe what I told you and, and..." she stuttered

"Mom, it's okay. I mean, what's another two weeks? I've waited ten years!"

"I swear I wasn't going to keep it from you forever, please don't be mad. I still see you as my little girl," she tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. "And, knowing you, I doubt you'd believe me, anyway."

"So, we will talk the day I turn eighteen"

"Yes" Aralee was relieved she looked so thankful. I could wait, I could. I did not want to force the information out of her.

My version: "So... when I turn eighteen, you'll tell me?"

"Yes, my love." Aralee looked relieved. She relaxed in her chair. I would wait. It was not worth stressing her out even more just to hear some little secret two weeks early.

At twelve that night I awoke again to the nightmare, except this time though I recognized the alley, it was the one that was a block from our house. This time it seemed more realistic than the others. I broke into a cold sweat...

My version: Late that night I had the same nightmare, only this time I recognized the alley. It was the one that was a block from our house. It was startlingly realistic, and i awoke in a cold sweat.



Don't mind all the ways I changed it. It's a really great story. I think I might actually read the rest of it.

Lena

Thanks for all the help, I edited it now so hopefully it looks better.

This chapter was good It was a point where the relationship between mother and daughter is opened up. But the part where she said she could wait??….wouldn’t she be at least a little bit impatient? At that part, I would advise going into more detail about her feelings there.

It was 10 years ago, and it was a stormy midnight, I was 7 years old.

There is no need to say both “10 years ago” and “I was 7”. Either use one or the other and let the reader figure out the rest

I watched the clock she should walk in any time now.

I’m not sure what you are trying to say here…I would suggest a rewrite.

Aralee turned pale and her face drained of color. She looked shocked and surprised that I knew about the event.

No need to say “pale” and “drained of color”. Both are basically the same thing. I would either use on or the other. Same goes for the “shocked” and “surprised” thing.

"Mom, it's okay. I have waited ten years, I can wait 2 more weeks until I turn eighteen. You don't have to tell me now " I said comforting her.

Comma instead of a period after “now”

This chapter, I’m not sure if I pointed it out before, but I do notice that you TELL a lot. When you write a story, you need an even amount of telling and showing. But you are OVER telling right now. Slip in more details. That will help it out a lot

Keep Writing!

Hmm, it seems that my theory that I went out on a limb with would be correct. Quite the interesting twist, that.

Nitpick of the day: I'd write out the numbers. I honestly don't remember the rule for number usage, but I'm pretty sure you need to spell them out in the few instances here. So, rather than '7', you'd write out 'seven.' It just looks better. There's an actual reason too, but I don't remember it.

For the flashback, I'd put it in italics, to make it clear that it is of a different time.

Other than that, I have nothing much to say, making this my shortest comment yet on your story. Everyone else went all nitpicky on you, so I had to go easy on you, I suppose.

~GryphonFledgling

She finally spoke, "I was going to tell you about it on your eighteen birthday, so you could decide what you wanted.

Eighteenth

I like where this is leading up to!