Hero Or Zero

Hero or Zero

I ask my self if you were really a hero

Or if you were just a zero

You were always there for me when i neededyou

You were always a person i could look up yo

You were such a great friend

But yet you stabbed me in the back in the end

Should i really consider you that person next to Superman

And Mia Hamm

Or should i just consider you a Zero

I dont know if i should or i shouldn't because

Everything you helped me in was so great

All the advice about life

About coming

And doing good in school

about just being my self

turned out to be true

So what should i do

Consider you as

A hero

or

Zero

I think the rules are that you should review at least 2 things before posting one of your own. Just so you know.

About your poem: It's got a potentially interesting message, but there are some flaws in it. To start out with the apparent ones:

I ask my self if you were really a hero

My self = myself.

You were always there for me when i neededyou

Needed you should be separated.

You were always a person i could look up yo

Yo should be to, I believe.

And doing good in school

Grammatically speaking, doing well in school is correct.

Also, make sure you capitalize your Is. It looks sloppy if you don't.

The poem itself has some dodgy rhyming. Some things rhyme and some don't. You should change it to make it consistent, one way or the other. Another thing: Avoid forced rhyming. It's never, ever good. Personally, I think the phrase "hero or zero" seems a bit forced and maybe you should put something else in its place.

The poem's rhythm is very choppy. It doesn't read smoothly at all. To fix this, you might try revising while reading aloud. See what sounds smooth, and go with it.

Last: the poem's message. The story of a friend who stabs you in the back can be either good or cliche, depending on how you write it. This poem is definitely more on the bland side. Mostly, this is because you're so vague in the story you tell. The reader knows that a friend betrayed another friend, but we don't know what he/she did. To make this interesting, there needs to be more characterization.

I have a suggestion and I don't know if you'll like it or not: this might be better re-written as a short story. As prose, most of the problems this poem has, like the rhyming and rhythm, would go away. Also, it would be easier to give the characters real personalities that the reader can relate to.

Now go review a couple things by other people! Good luck with this, whatever you decide to do with it, and I hope my review helped.

Welcome member! You need to have more reviews, before you can post your own work.
Anyway. A good subject matter, I guess most people have been there before.
I thought that the rhymes in this poem were a bit "hit or miss", You need to decide whether or not you can find definite rhymes, if you can't then get rid of them.

I must say that I abhor poetry that has no punctuation. People will not read your poetry correctly, without it.

Love
Kris
x

I don't know much about reviewing, but I can give you comments on your piece.

I think it is very creative-I personally have not read a poem pertaining to this subject. It seems like you just felt the need to let your feelings out..I guess thats what poetry is at its core anyway. I believe the question asked in the poem based on the information given is an adequate one. From what you've told the reader, it does become a difficult to decide rather the person in question is a Hero or Zero. I really don't know how you could have effectively conveyed your feelings on the matter otherwise.

So I enjoyed reading this bit. Don't know if this review will be helpful, but I hope its atleast given you incentive to write more.

I liked this piece, but there are a few places that need work, which was already listed.
I believe this piece was meant to let all your emotions out. It was a bit hard to decide whether the person being portrayed was a Hero or a Zero. I believe you can take out a few unneeded words such as; but and were.
(I am not sure if repeating the word WERE was to portray the message that the person no longer is there.)
-I'm not really good at reviewing, so sorry if this was not to helpful.