Coven Born Chapter One (part one)

ok no complaining for where i cut the story off because this is going to be a long chapter most likely cut into three parts (its not finished yet) i figured where it ends will leave readers wanting more! if you havent read the prologue it might help even though this takes place a month before the prolgue

ENJOY


Chapter 1

-The Prophecy-
(one month earlier)

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

“How can I not worry?” I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same. “Sam, I’m on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is.”

“Yes, but that does not mean that your mission is going to be hard,” replied Sam. “Look at what my mission was.” Sam had a point. For her mission she had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom.

She had been given her mission three months back, but she had only just returned two weeks ago. Sam had passed and the ambassadors had made it to their destination safely.

“That does not mean it will be easy either,” I declared. Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me. Asking me why I had to be so negative. I just sighed and said, “Fine, but I can’t be late so let’s go.”

We had been walking down a series of corridors slowly making our way to the Missions Office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah were its only staff. Their jobs did not make them the highest-ranking sisters, but it did provide them with the privilege for giving out missions. This was especially important for sisters in training who were receiving the mission.

After rounding another corner Sam and I had finally reached our destination. I turned towards Sam hoping for her to say something reassuring. I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes. Sam was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head. I always remembered her saying she hated to cut it unless she had to.

Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by Sam’s black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon, which was a darker shade of red.

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such and honorary rank. I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.

Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always set it did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since it color made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.

I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You most focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do. There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while.

I reached over to her and we embraced each other in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulders.

“Go,” she said nodding her head towards the door. A smile appeared on face and I realized that I had been smiling, as well. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. “See you at graduation Riley.” With that I walked through the door, making sure not to look back for I was afraid I would loose the confidence that had arisen in me.

After closing the door quietly behind me, taking it all in, I lead my gaze around the room. It was of decent size. There was a storage closet behind the sister’s desks, which I guessed most likely held the legendary list. The list held all the names of the sisters who had passed their missions.

“Ah, Sister Riley, right on time,” greeted Sister Innet. “Please sit. We will begin in a moment.” She was gesturing towards one of the vacant chairs in front of her desk. I took the seat and took the extra time to continue my examination of the room.

Sister Innet sat at her desk filing paper leisurely while sister Sarah was standing over a crate leafing through mounds of folders. Both the sisters wore all black attire with a black hooded cloak. Neither had their hoods on so their faces were clearly visible, each worn and showing years of experience.

Given the purpose of the room there was a large amount of seating. The sisters each had their own chairs. A couch was against a wall that could seat two and their was also another seat next to me.

“Sister Riley,” I turned my head so I was facing Sister Innet. “Once Sister Margeret is present we will begin.” My first instinct was to drop my jaw, but I knew that would be disrespectful. Instead my mind went into a bit of a shock. Sister Margeret was very special to me. She was also one of the four head sisters of the coven.

I only knew one other sister of the four, Sister Carmen. She was in charge of the finance and maintaining of the coven. The three remaining sisters were constantly coming and going. They mainly were messengers to other covens throughout the realm.

My story had always been different from the other students. I did not know whom my parents were or if I had any other family. Sister Margeret had found me on her travels. She had taken me back to the coven with her.

She then raised me. Normally that would not be allowed since the coven permitted no girl under the age of nine to be present at the coven. The age rule did not apply to orphan boys though. I was the one and only exception since it was Sister Margeret who had found me.

As I got older she left the coven more often. Sometimes she was gone for a week, other times a months. During which time I would be in the care of another sister usually of higher rank. When I was eight, only a year away from becoming a student, Sister Margeret took me aside to tell me she was going away. It puzzled me since it was not unusual for her to travel.

She began to explain that this time was different, and that she would not be coming back for a few years. I remembered being sad since Sister Margeret was like my adopted mother and me her child. She did not tell me why she would be gone for so long, but she did say I would not be staying with another sister like every other time.

That is when Sister Margeret took me to one of the student classes for first years. She told me that I would start sisterhood training even though I was eight. It was for the best and since I had grown up at the coven I was more then qualified to start early.

It was that first class that I had met Sam. Sister Margeret did not return for three years. Even then she did not stay long before leaving again. Before Sister Innet had spoken of her I was unaware of her return. It had been five years since I had last seen her. Eight years had passed since I had last talked to her.

That did not explain why she would be attending my mission hearing. The news of her being present is very strange. Almost all my friends have already had their mission meetings and none of them mentioned a head sister attending, or any extra guests for that matter. Even though the news of seeing Sister Margeret caused me to be overjoyed, nervousness still lurked inside me. I did my best not to show it though, since it could be a sign of weakness.

Not long after the mention of Sister Margeret, by Sister Innet, the head sister arrived scurrying through the door. When she entered I immediately stood up with my hands at my sides, as was protocol.

“Oh do sit down Riley. I am too tired to for properness at the moment,” stated Sister Margeret. I was a little taken aback, but I obeyed anyway. Sister Margeret sat down lazily on the couch taking in deep breaths.

Her clothes had been worn by her travels. She wore black, mud stained breeches tucked into matching boots. She wore a loose purple shirt and a black hooded cloak. Sister Margeret’s apparel showed no trace of her rank, which meant she must have not wanted anyone to recognized her.

Sister Innet cleared her throat and began to speak once again. “Riley, today you will be receiving the information on your mission that will lead you on your way to the final stage of the sisterhood. Are you aware of this?”

“Yes,” I replied as expected.

“Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission you will not be able to become a full sister and that there are no second chances?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now that that is over with, Sister Margeret do you have the book?” asked Sister Innet.




____________________________________
ok more is promised soon but i dont want to make each post super long and far apart

Chapter 1

-The Prophecy-

(one month earlier)

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

“How can I not worry?” I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same.(What do you mean by the following it makes no sense to me) “Sam, I’m on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is.”

“Yes, but that does not mean that your mission is going to be hard,” replied Sam. “Look at what my mission was.” Sam had a point. For her mission she had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom. (Okay the words you have chosen do not suit the sentence try 'She had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom for her to pass her mission' or some other sentence giving the same meaning)

She had been given her mission three months back, but she had only just returned two weeks ago. Sam had passed and the ambassadors had made it to their destination safely.

“That does not mean it will be easy either,” I declared. Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me.(, asking) Asking me why I had to be so negative. I just sighed and said, “Fine, but I can’t be late so let’s go.”

We had been walking down a series of corridors slowly making our way to the Missions Office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah were its only staff. Their jobs did not make them the highest-ranking sisters, but it did provide them with the privilege for giving out missions. This was especially important for sisters in training who were receiving the mission.

After rounding another corner Sam and I had (Cut the 'had') finally reached our destination. I turned towards Sam hoping for (hoping for some words of reassurance) her to say something reassuring. I looked her over head to(I cant make this out. What does it mean??) toe seeing the confidence in her eyes. Sam was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head. I always remembered her saying she hated to cut it unless she had to.

Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by Sam’s black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon, which was a darker shade of red.

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I(me) was wearing the color of such(a)and honorary rank. I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.

Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always set it did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since it color made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.

I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You most(must) focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do(today). There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while(Time).

I reached over to her and we embraced each other in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulders.

“Go,” she said nodding her head towards the door. A smile appeared on (her) face and I realized that I had been smiling, as well. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. “See you at graduation Riley.”(Although its obvious for some readers, you didn't tell us who spoke the following) With that I walked through the door, making sure not to look back for I was afraid I would loose the confidence that had arisen in me.

After closing the door quietly behind me, taking it all in, I lead my gaze around the room. It was of decent size. There was a storage closet behind the sister’s desks, which I guessed most likely held the legendary list. The list (that) held all the names of the sisters who had passed their missions.

“Ah, Sister Riley, right on time,” greeted Sister Innet. “Please sit. We will begin in a moment.” She was gesturing towards one of the vacant chairs in front of her desk. I took the seat and took the extra time to continue my examination of the room.

Sister Innet sat at her desk filing paper leisurely while sister Sarah was standing over a crate leafing through mounds of folders. Both the sisters wore all black attire with a black hooded cloak. Neither had their hoods on so their faces were clearly visible, each worn and showing years of experience.

Given the purpose of the room there was a large amount of seating. The sisters each had their own chairs. A couch was against a wall that could seat two and their was also another seat next to me.

“Sister Riley,” I turned my head so I was facing Sister Innet. “Once Sister Margeret is present we will begin.” My first instinct was to drop my jaw, but I knew that would be disrespectful. Instead my mind went into a bit of a shock. Sister Margeret was very special to me. She was also one of the four head sisters of the coven.

I only knew one other sister of the four, Sister Carmen. She was in charge of the finance and maintaining of the coven. The three remaining sisters were constantly coming and going. They mainly were messengers to other covens throughout the realm.

My story had always been different from the other students. I did not know whom my parents were or if I had any other family. Sister Margeret had found me on her travels. She had taken me back to the coven with her.

She then raised me. Normally that would not be allowed since the coven permitted no girl under the age of nine to be present at the coven. The age rule did not apply to orphan boys though. I was the one and only exception since it was Sister Margeret who had found me.

As I got older she left the coven more often. Sometimes she was gone for a week, other times a months. During which time I would be in the care of another sister usually of higher rank. When I was eight, only a year away from becoming a student, Sister Margeret took me aside to tell me she was going away. It puzzled me since it was not unusual for her to travel.

She began to explain that this time was different, and that she would not be coming back for a few years. I remembered being sad since Sister Margeret was like my adopted mother and me her child. She did not tell me why she would be gone for so long, but she did say I would not be staying with another sister like every other time.

That is when Sister Margeret took me to one of the student classes for first years. She told me that I would start sisterhood training even though I was eight. It was for the best (she had said) and since I had grown up at the coven I was more then qualified to start early.

It was (in) that first class that I had met Sam. Sister Margeret did not return for three years. Even (when she returned) then she did not stay long before leaving again. Before Sister Innet had spoken of her I was unaware of her return. It had been five years since I had last seen her. Eight years had passed since I had last talked to her.

That did not explain why she would be attending my mission hearing. The news of her being present is very strange. Almost all my friends have already had their mission meetings and none of them mentioned a head sister attending, or any extra guests for that matter. Even though the news of seeing Sister Margeret caused me to be overjoyed, nervousness still lurked inside me. I did my best not to show it though, since it could be (taken as) a sign of weakness.

Not long after the mention of Sister Margeret, by Sister Innet, the head sister arrived scurrying through the door. When she entered I immediately stood up with my hands at my sides, as was protocol.

“Oh do sit down Riley. I am too tired to for properness at the moment,” stated Sister Margeret. I was a little taken aback, but I obeyed anyway. Sister Margeret sat down lazily on the couch taking in deep breaths.

Her clothes had been worn by her travels. She wore black, mud stained breeches tucked into matching boots. (you used the words 'she wore' twice) She wore a loose purple shirt and a black hooded cloak. Sister Margeret’s apparel showed no trace of her rank, which meant she must have not wanted anyone to recognized her.

Sister Innet cleared her throat and began to speak once again. “Riley, today you will be receiving the information on your mission that will lead you on your way to the final stage of the sisterhood. Are you aware of this?”

“Yes,” I replied as expected.

“Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission you will not be able to become a full sister and that there are no second chances?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now that that is over with, Sister Margeret do you have the book?” asked Sister Innet.






AWWWWWWWW
Why the sudden cliffhanger??
Anyway the story so far is good. Marvelous to be precise. Keep writing and never give up. By the way you must work on the explanation of the surroundings. If i recall right you didn't mention much about where Riley and Sam were walking.
also i spotted a mistake somewhere but i forgot where it was and i cant seem to find it. I propose reading the reviewed story above one more time before editing it.

Hope this is useful PM me on the next part.

I think the cliffhanger was an awesome idea to this story. Greatly written.

Okay, the mistakes I spotted,

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

An abrupt start of the story, you could have started with a description about Riley and Sam or the surrounding. But I suppose you thought differentely.

Since our friendship began our classes had been the same.

Put a comma between 'began' and 'our'. But it's rare, isn't it? A friendship doesn't make them being put into same classes.

I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes.

This absolutely does not have any meaning. Change it to "I looked at her over my shoulder, seeing the confidence in her eyes"

When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such and honorary rank.

Change this either to "When I was very young, I would stand infront of the mirror, imagining me wearing the colour of such a honorary rank". Or "When I was very young, I would stand infront of the mirror, imagining that I was wearing the colour of such a honorary rank."

I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.

How can she be the reason that she wanted to be in the sisterhood?

“Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it.

I reckon this sentence is better like this. "Riley, remember, you should worry, not about what mission you recieve, but about fulfilling it."

A smile appeared on face

"A smile appeared on her face"

other times a months.

You can't write "a months" can you? Either cut the 'a' or 's'

It puzzled me since it was not unusual for her to travel.

How can she be puzzled if it was not unusual for her to travel? Cut the "not".

I was more then qualified to start early.

"more than"

since it could be a sign of weakness.

"Since it could be mistaken for a sign of weakness."

I am too tired to for properness at the moment,”

Cut the "to"

Well, no more mistakes as far as I can see. But there were many. Fix them and get this to a good standard.

Good luck.

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

My version: "Riley, stop worrying," said Sam. 'exclaimed' doesn't really fit because he's not really explaining anything!

“How can I not worry?” I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same. “Sam, I’m on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is.”

My version: "How could I not worry?" I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We began our journey [for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes were the same. "Sam, I'm on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is." avoid using so much 'had'.

“Yes, but that does not mean that your mission is going to be hard,” replied Sam. “Look at what my mission was.” Sam had a point. For her mission she had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom.


She had been given her mission three months back, but she had only just returned two weeks ago. Sam had passed and the ambassadors had made it to their destination safely.

My version: "That doesn't mean your mission is gonna be hard," replied Sam. "Look at what my mission was." She had a point. Two weeks ago Sam had returned from her incredibly simple mission; to guide two ambassadors on their journey to another kingdom. try to make your dialogue more believable, and combine paragraphs when they contain similar info.

“That does not mean it will be easy either,” I declared. Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me. Asking me why I had to be so negative. I just sighed and said, “Fine, but I can’t be late so let’s go.”

My version: "That doesn't mean it will be easy, either," I declared. Sam stopped walking. She put her hands on her hips and glared at me, her eyes screaming.

"Why are you so negative?"

I shrugged. "Fine. Come on, let's go. I can't be late."
Just a little too much description there

We had been walking down a series of corridors slowly making our way to the Missions Office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah were its only staff. Their jobs did not make them the highest-ranking sisters, but it did provide them with the privilege for giving out missions. This was especially important for sisters in training who were receiving the mission.

My version: We walked slowly down a series of corridors to the Missions office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah worked there; they were in charge of giving out missions to sisters in training. sorry that patch just seemed sort of awkward

After rounding another corner Sam and I had finally reached our destination. I turned towards Sam hoping for her to say something reassuring. I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes. Sam was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head. I always remembered her saying she hated to cut it unless she had to.

Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by Sam’s black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon, which was a darker shade of red.

My version: I looked over at Sam, hoping for her to say something reassuring. There was confidence in her eyes, and that was enough to reassure me. Although Sam was seventeen, she and I were the same height. Her dirty blond hair flowed down from her scalp like ocean waves. It extended down to her waist because she only cut it a couple of times when she really had too. We both wore black breeches tucked into dark boots. Her shirt, however, was red, which symbolized that she had completed her mission but not graduated yet. After graduation, she would be wearing a maroon tunic. we all know what color maroon is..and i think it would make more sense if they wore dresses or cloaks.. this is a SISTERhood.

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such and honorary rank. I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.

My version: When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror and imagine what I would look like in the maroon tunic. Maroon was a color of honor. I was one of the reason I joined the sisterhood.

Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always set it did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since it color made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.

My version: My tunic was light brown as I had not fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training. Sam always said that it did not flatter me, yet I still loved it very much. It was very good for blending into forested areas during fieldwork.

I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You most focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do. There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while.

My version: I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam's gaze. Her expression was still a confident one. "Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, only focus on fulfilling it. I have faith in you, and I have no doubt that you will complete your mission."

Tears began to swell in my eyes. That was the nicest thing someone had said to me in a long time.

I reached over to her and we embraced each other in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulders.

My version: We embraced each other in a hug.

"Thank you," I whispered. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulder.

srry i only edited half, but i'm kinda busy. Just remember to try and keep 'had' out. it goes on your 'bad words' list.

Here's my first review...I'm not sure if I'm doing this right but I will try--

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

You need to put a comma between the "Riley" and the "stop worrying", that'd make it flow better.

Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same.

Something about the wording of these sentences seems a tad...awkward. They seem too short and abrupt; maybe you should condense a few of them together

Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me. Asking me why I had to be so negative.

I think you have a run-on here. It'd make more sense if you removed the period and spliced those two sentences together.

I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes.

I agree with the previous reviewers in that this sentence doesn't make much sense, and doesn't mean much. How about, "When I looked at her, her eyes burned confidently" or something along those lines?

Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by Sam’s black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon, which was a darker shade of red.

Er...big writing no-no here...the pointless appearance info-dump. I mean, if Riley has a reason to be examining Sam closely, then you could make this work out, but it seems like Riley just cast a glance at Sam and started describing her for no conceivable reason. Real people...don't do that. I know it's important to describe your characters, but it's better to do it in a slightly less obvious/abrupt way...

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such an honorary rank. It was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.

Nice touch, but you have a few typos in here.

Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always said it did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since it color made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.

'Nother typo, but I do like the way you segued into the description of Riley's clothing; it's much less obtrusive as your sudden info-dump on Sam's appearance.

I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You most focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do. There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while.

The dialogue seems a bit overly stiff and formal here. I mean, she's talking to her best friend, shouldn't she be taking a less formal tone? And I also want to know why no one's said that many nice things to Riley in "a long while"...

“Go,” she said nodding her head towards the door. A smile appeared on face and I realized that I had been smiling, as well. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. “See you at graduation, Riley.” With that I walked through the door, making sure not to look back for I was afraid I would lose the confidence that had arisen in me.

Nothing really wrong with this paragraph, but you have a few grammar/spelling errors.

After closing the door quietly behind me, taking it all in, I lead my gaze around the room. It was of decent size. There was a storage closet behind the sister’s desks, which I guessed most likely held the legendary list. The list held all the names of the sisters who had passed their missions.

Your description is a bit...sparse. You were able to describe Sam in a quite detailed manner; why not the room? Also, the last two sentences could probably be merged together to flow more naturally: "...which I guessed most likely held the legendary list--the list that held the names of all the sisters who had passed their missions".

“Ah, Sister Riley, right on time,” greeted Sister Innet.

...er, saying "greeted" is just redundant. You'll find in a lot of cases it's just better to say "said".

Given the purpose of the room there was a large amount of seating.

Awkwardly phrased; it'd be better put as "there were many seats".

“Sister Riley,” said Sister Innet “Once Sister Margeret is present we will begin.”

That will flow a little more naturally. And sorry if I seem obsessed with making things "flow naturally", but I think that's one of the most important things a writer should do.

She then raised me. Normally that would not be allowed since the coven permitted no girl under the age of nine to be present at the coven. The age rule did not apply to orphan boys though. I was the one and only exception since it was Sister Margeret who had found me.

...oh, Riley's a boy? O_o You should have mentioned his gender earlier because I spent all this time thinking he was a girl. But on a side note I do like your androgynous names for the main characters, as I'm fond of androgynous names too. In my current project I've got a guy called Tracy and a girl called Theo (well, short of Theodora), so there's really no problem with that.

It was that first class that I had met Sam. Sister Margeret did not return for three years. Even then she did not stay long before leaving again. Before Sister Innet had spoken of her I was unaware of her return. It had been five years since I had last seen her. Eight years had passed since I had last talked to her.

This years thing is highly confusing...how old is Riley again? I think that would help me figure out the timeline a little better. Also, I kind of feel that Riley's past is a bit cliched--just how many times has the "abandoned orphan" plotline been used before?

Even though the news of seeing Sister Margeret caused me to be overjoyed, nervousness still lurked inside me.

Kind of awkwardly phrased. "Even though I was overjoyed at hearing about Sister Margaret's return, I still feel somewhat apprehensive", maybe?

Not long after the mention of Sister Margeret, by Sister Innet, the head sister arrived scurrying through the door.

Remove the comma after "innet", and removed the "arrived", it should be more properly rendered as "came scurrying".

“Oh do sit down Riley. I am too tired to for properness at the moment,” stated Sister Margeret.

Again with the dialogue tags...really, a simple "said" works best in most situations.

Her clothes had been worn by her travels. She wore black, mud stained breeches tucked into matching boots. She wore a loose purple shirt and a black hooded cloak. Sister Margeret’s apparel showed no trace of her rank, which meant she must have not wanted anyone to recognized her.

Nice description of clothes, but can you describe how she looks?

Sister Innet cleared her throat and began to speak once again. “Riley, today you will be receiving the information on your mission that will lead you on your way to the final stage of the sisterhood. Are you aware of this?”

...er...if Riley's a boy...how can he be...a sister? O_o Unless I'm missing something here...but it does fascinate me, the idea of a male child being brought up as in a convent...you could really explore the ramifications of that.

“Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission you will not be able to become a full sister and that there are no second chances?”

A comma after "mission", and a comma after "sister", or maybe an ellipsis would work better (like this: "Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission, you will not be able to become af ull sister...and that there are no second chances?"

“Good, now that that is over with, Sister Margeret do you have the book?” asked Sister Innet.

Comma after "Margaret", change the "asked" to a said as that is redundant.

Anyhow...I liked the ideas you put forth here, particularly the idea of the nuns as a kind of...mission-based mercenary force. It's certainly an idea I've never seen before, so you've got originality pegged. Also, I'm liking the idea of a boy fighting in an all-female force, it could be a nice inversion of typical plots. And Sister Margaret and Riley's relationship so far seems very sweet.

That being said...you do have problems with style, mainly...in particular, making your writing flow in a natural way (there! I said it yet again!). You seem to have an excess of too-short sentences and fragments, coupled with several run-ons and sentences that need a few commas. So while your ideas are sound, your style could use a little bit of work. Still, keep writing--that's the best way to perfect the craft.

Whew! How was that for a first review?

to bickazer

...oh, Riley's a boy? O_o You should have mentioned his gender earlier because I spent all this time thinking he was a girl. But on a side note I do like your androgynous names for the main characters, as I'm fond of androgynous names too. In my current project I've got a guy called Tracy and a girl called Theo (well, short of Theodora), so there's really no problem with that.

the main character, Riley, is a girl. i was talking about how orphan boys taken in by the sisters had no age limitation. Riley was the only exception to the girls' age rule. sry if i got u confused. its only a first draft. and have fun exploring YWS, i remeber when I just joined it can be a bit confusing, try not to post too many things at once


to lena:

and i think it would make more sense if they wore dresses or cloaks.. this is a SISTERhood.

ok this was my fault see i am trying to incoprate as much history into the story as possible about the coven without making it super obvious. some of it is mentioned in the prologue. but this coven isnt like the coven your thinking about. it is for training young girls to fight. in a way its like boys who train to become knights, and the girls train to become warriors. but unlike knights rank gets a little more involved that is why it is in a coven,making it a sisterhood makes a good cover as well. plus it is not just one coven it is a league so there are several placed across Riley's 'world', i guess you could say its like a secret society that offers services like knights but that doesnt include fighting wars but in guarding kings or like Sam guiding ambassadors.

like i said im still trying to figure out how to work it into the story because there is a lot to say but at the same time you want to keep the story moving. the next chapter will be explaining alot more because it will jump back to the present continuing where the prologue left off.

______________________________________________
thanks everyone for the reviews. ill edit and post the revised version when i can. school starts up again soon and i have reports that need to be finished so this is as much as ill be able to post for a little while. thanks again. and part 2 may take a little longer as well.

Okay, I really like what you have so far but there were a few mistakes, so I will go line by line.

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.


“How can I not worry?” I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same. “Sam, I’m on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is.”
Okay I dont understand that sentance, maybe you should reword it.

“Yes, but that does not mean that your mission is going to be hard,” replied Sam. “Look at what my mission was.” Sam had a point. For her mission she had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom.


She had been given her mission three months back, but she had only just returned two weeks ago. Sam had passed and the ambassadors had made it to their destination safely.


“That does not mean it will be easy either,” I declared. Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me. Asking me why I had to be so negative. I just sighed and said, “Fine, but I can’t be late so let’s go.”
Okay that sentance will connect just fine with a comma not a period.



We had been walking down a series of corridors slowly making our way to the Missions Office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah were its only staff. Their jobs did not make them the highest-ranking sisters, but it did provide them with the privilege for giving out missions. This was especially important for sisters in training who were receiving the mission.
Use the apostrophe in it's.


After rounding another corner Sam and I had finally reached our destination. I turned towards Sam hoping for her to say something reassuring. I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes. Sam was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head. I always remembered her saying she hated to cut it unless she had to.


Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by Sam’s black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon, which was a darker shade of red.
Okay I don't think you need to explain to the reader that maroon is a darked shade of red.

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such and honorary rank. I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.


Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always set it did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since it color made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.


I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You most focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do. There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while.


I reached over to her and we embraced each other in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulders.


“Go,” she said nodding her head towards the door. A smile appeared on face and I realized that I had been smiling, as well. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. “See you at graduation Riley.” With that I walked through the door, making sure not to look back for I was afraid I would loose the confidence that had arisen in me.


After closing the door quietly behind me, taking it all in, I lead my gaze around the room. It was of decent size. There was a storage closet behind the sister’s desks, which I guessed most likely held the legendary list. The list held all the names of the sisters who had passed their missions.
Okay connect these two sentances like this: There was a storage closet behind the sister's desks, which I guessed held the legendary list that held all the names of the sister's that had passes their missions.

“Ah, Sister Riley, right on time,” greeted Sister Innet. “Please sit. We will begin in a moment.” She was gesturing towards one of the vacant chairs in front of her desk. I took the seat and took the extra time to continue my examination of the room. Right here you could add a description of the room.

Sister Innet sat at her desk filing paper leisurely while sister Sarah was standing over a crate leafing through mounds of folders. Both the sisters wore all black attire with a black hooded cloak. Neither had their hoods on so their faces were clearly visible, each worn and showing years of experience.


Given the purpose of the room there was a large amount of seating. The sisters each had their own chairs. A couch was against a wall that could seat two and their was also another seat next to me.


“Sister Riley,” I turned my head so I was facing Sister Innet. “Once Sister Margeret is present we will begin.” My first instinct was to drop my jaw, but I knew that would be disrespectful. Instead my mind went into a bit of a shock. Sister Margeret was very special to me. She was also one of the four head sisters of the coven.


I only knew one other sister of the four, Sister Carmen. She was in charge of the finance and maintaining of the coven. The three remaining sisters were constantly coming and going. They mainly were messengers to other covens throughout the realm.


My story had always been different from the other students. I did not know whom my parents were or if I had any other family. Sister Margeret had found me on her travels. She had taken me back to the coven with her.


She then raised me. Normally that would not be allowed since the coven permitted no girl under the age of nine to be present at the coven. The age rule did not apply to orphan boys though. I was the one and only exception since it was Sister Margeret who had found me.


As I got older she left the coven more often. Sometimes she was gone for a week, other times a months. During which time I would be in the care of another sister usually of higher rank. When I was eight, only a year away from becoming a student, Sister Margeret took me aside to tell me she was going away. It puzzled me since it was not unusual for her to travel.


She began to explain that this time was different, and that she would not be coming back for a few years. I remembered being sad since Sister Margeret was like my adopted mother and me her child. She did not tell me why she would be gone for so long, but she did say I would not be staying with another sister like every other time.


That is when Sister Margeret took me to one of the student classes for first years. She told me that I would start sisterhood training even though I was eight. It was for the best and since I had grown up at the coven I was more then qualified to start early. What age do girls usually start their training?


It was that first class that I had met Sam. Sister Margeret did not return for three years. Even then she did not stay long before leaving again. Before Sister Innet had spoken of her I was unaware of her return. It had been five years since I had last seen her. Eight years had passed since I had last talked to her.
Okay take out one of the thats. Reword the sentance.


That did not explain why she would be attending my mission hearing. The news of her being present is very strange. Almost all my friends have already had their mission meetings and none of them mentioned a head sister attending, or any extra guests for that matter. Even though the news of seeing Sister Margeret caused me to be overjoyed, nervousness still lurked inside me. I did my best not to show it though, since it could be a sign of weakness.


Not long after the mention of Sister Margeret, by Sister Innet, the head sister arrived scurrying through the door. When she entered I immediately stood up with my hands at my sides, as was protocol.


“Oh do sit down Riley. I am too tired to for properness at the moment,” stated Sister Margeret. I was a little taken aback, but I obeyed anyway. Sister Margeret sat down lazily on the couch taking in deep breaths.


Her clothes had been worn by her travels. She wore black, mud stained breeches tucked into matching boots. She wore a loose purple shirt and a black hooded cloak. Sister Margeret’s apparel showed no trace of her rank, which meant she must have not wanted anyone to recognized her.


Sister Innet cleared her throat and began to speak once again. “Riley, today you will be receiving the information on your mission that will lead you on your way to the final stage of the sisterhood. Are you aware of this?”


“Yes,” I replied as expected.


“Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission you will not be able to become a full sister and that there are no second chances?”


“Yes.”


“Good, now that that is over with, Sister Margeret do you have the book?” asked Sister Innet.


I love the cliffhanger ending. It leaves me wanting to read more. Overall, you did a great job, good luck with your future writings.

I'm finally here! I'm so sorry I didn't come earlier, I usually ignore messages... please don't eat me!
Comments/Suggestions in red.

1. COMMENTS AND SUGESSTIONS

jules4848 wrote:ok no complaining for where i cut the story off because this is going to be a long chapter most likely cut into three parts (its not finished yet) i figured where it ends will leave readers wanting more! if you havent read the prologue it might help even though this takes place a month before the prolgue

ENJOY


Chapter 1

-The Prophecy-
(one month earlier)

“Riley stop worrying,” exclaimed Sam.

“How can I not worry?” I asked. Sam and I had been best friends for years. We had begun our journey for sisterhood in the same year. Since our friendship began our classes had been the same. “Sam, I’m on my way to receive the mission. You know how big this is.”
This intro was a little... bleh. It didn't really catch my attention. Also, there are a couple grammar and structure mistakes. The first sentence needs a comma after Riley's name, and exclaimed doesn't seem very fitting. In that first part of the second paragraph, the sentences are odd. Instead, try something like: Sam and I had been best friends for years since we started our journey for sisterhood together. Our classes had been the same.

“Yes, but that does not mean that your mission is going to be hard,” replied Sam. “Look at what my mission was.” Sam had a point. For her mission she had to protect and guide a pair of ambassadors to another kingdom.

She had been given her mission three months back, but she had only just returned two weeks ago. Sam had passed and the ambassadors had made it to their destination safely.

“That does not mean it will be easy either,” I declared. Sam stopped walking then. She put her hand on her hips and glared at me. Her eyes were screaming at me. Asking me why I had to be so negative. I just sighed and said, “Fine, but I can’t be late so let’s go.”
Too much repetition and odd structure. How can one hand go on both hips? Remember to make 'hands' plural. Try: She put her hands on her hips and her eyes were screaming at me, asking me why I had to be so negative.

We had been walking down a series of corridors [s]slowly[/s] making our way to the Missions Office. Sister Innet and Sister Sarah were its only staff. Their jobs did not make them the highest-ranking sisters, but it did provide them with the privilege for giving out missions. This was especially important for sisters in training who were receiving the mission.
'Slowly' ruins the flow! There's no need for it anyway! Just add a comma after 'corridors'.

After rounding another corner Sam and I [s]had[/s] finally reached our destination. I turned towards Sam hoping for her to say something reassuring. I looked her over head to toe seeing the confidence in her eyes. Sam was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head. I always remembered her saying she hated to cut it unless she had to.
No 'had'. No need. There's a lot of repetition here also. Try: I turned toward Sam, hoping for her to say something reassuring. Looking over her from head-to-toe, I saw the confidence in her eyes. She was seventeen, but she and I were the same height. Her hair was dirty blond and it looked like long strands of waves extending from her head; she told me she hated cutting it unless she had to.

Her clothes were similar to mine except they showed that she had completed the mission. Her breeches were black as were the boots they were tucked into. The tunic she wore was a bright red, which was complimented by [s]Sam’s[/s] her black belt. The red signified, besides completing the mission that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. Once graduation took place the red would be replace with maroon[s], which was a darker shade of red. [/s]
Again with the odd structure! Try: The red also signified that the sister who wore it had not yet graduated. One graduation took place, the red would be replaced with maroon. No need to tell me it's the darker shade of red. If anyone doesn't know that, they need to go back to pre-school. Also, that's an odd color choice. If it were me, I'd choose a completely different color... maybe gold. But that's just me.

I always wondered how I would look in maroon. When I was very young I would stand in front of the mirror imagining I was wearing the color of such [s]and[/s] honorary rank. I was just one of the reasons I had wanted to become part of the sisterhood.
Do you mean It was...?

Since I had not yet fulfilled the mission, but was in my last year of training I wore a light brown tunic. I like the color very much, even though Sam always [s]set[/s] saidit did not flatter me. No matter, it was very useful during fieldwork since [s]it[/s] thecolor made me similar to a chameleon blending in with its surroundings.

I brought my eyes back up to meet Sam’s gaze. Her expression had not changed. “Riley, remember not to worry about what mission you receive, but about fulfilling it. You [s]most[/s] must focus very hard for it is the gate that leads to the final stage of the sisterhood. I have faith in you Riley, and there is no doubt that you will complete what you set out do to after to do. There never has been.” When Sam had finished tears began to swell in my eyes. That had been the nicest thing I had heard from anyone in along while.
What? The part I put in bold makes no sense, please clarify.

I reached over to her and we embraced each other in a hug. “Thank you,” I whispered in her ear. She pushed me away, but kept her hand on my shoulders.

“Go,” she said nodding her head towards the door. A smile appeared on face and I realized that I had been smiling, as well. I took a deep breath and turned towards the door. “See you at graduation Riley.” With that I walked through the door, making sure not to look back for I was afraid I would loose the confidence that had arisen in me.
No comma after 'smiling'. Comma before 'Riley'.

After closing the door quietly behind me, taking it all in, I [s]lead my[/s] gazed around the room. It was of decent size. There was a storage closet behind the sister’s desks, which I guessed most likely held the legendary list[s]. The list [/s]that held all the names of the sisters who had passed their missions.

“Ah, Sister Riley, right on time,” greeted Sister Innet. “Please sit. We will begin in a moment.” She was gesturing towards one of the vacant chairs in front of her desk. I took the seat and took the extra time to continue my examination of the room.

Sister Innet sat at her desk filing paper leisurely while sister Sarah was standing over a crate leafing through mounds of folders. Both the sisters wore all black attire with a black hooded cloak. Neither had their hoods on so their faces were clearly visible, each worn and showing years of experience.

Given the purpose of the room there was a large amount of seating. The sisters each had their own chairs. A couch was against a wall that could seat two and their was also another seat next to me.

“Sister Riley,” I turned my head so I was facing Sister Innet. “Once Sister Margeret is present we will begin.” My first instinct was to drop my jaw, but I knew that would be disrespectful. Instead my mind went into a bit of a shock. Sister Margeret was very special to me. She was also one of the four head sisters of the coven.
Why is Riley in shock when she seems to appreciate this woman?

I only knew one other sister of the four, Sister Carmen. She was in charge of the finance and [s]maintaining[/s] maintenance of the coven. The three remaining sisters were constantly coming and going. They mainly were messengers to other covens throughout the realm.

My story had always been different from the other students. I did not know whom my parents were or if I had any other family. Sister Margeret had found me on her travels. She had taken me back to the coven with her.

She then raised me. Normally that would not be allowed since the coven permitted no girl under the age of nine to be present at the coven. The age rule did not apply to orphan boys though. I was the one and only exception since it was Sister Margeret who had found me.

As I got older she left the coven more often. Sometimes she was gone for a week, other times[s] a[/s] months. During which time I would be in the care of another sister usually of higher rank. When I was eight, only a year away from becoming a student, Sister Margeret took me aside to tell me she was going away. It puzzled me since it was not unusual for her to travel.

She began to explain that this time was different, and that she would not be coming back for a few years. I remembered being sad since Sister Margeret was like my adopted mother and me her child. She did not tell me why she would be gone for so long, but she did say I would not be staying with another sister like every other time.
Oh, I get it now. She's been gone. But 'shocked' isn't the right word. 'Surprised' maybe? Also, adding 'adopted' before 'mother' in that sentence leads me to believe they didn't have that close of a relationship. If this what you intended, fine. If not, remove 'adopted'.

That is when Sister Margeret took me to one of the student classes for first years. She told me that I would start sisterhood training even though I was eight. It was for the best and since I had grown up at the coven I was more then qualified to start early.

It was that first class that I had met Sam. Sister Margeret did not return for three years. Even then she did not stay long before leaving again. Before Sister Innet had spoken of her I was unaware of her return. It had been five years since I had last seen her. Eight years had passed since I had last talked to her.

That did not explain why she would be attending my mission hearing. The news of her being present is very strange. Almost all my friends have already had their mission meetings and none of them mentioned a head sister attending, or any extra guests for that matter. Even though the news of seeing Sister Margeret caused me to be overjoyed, nervousness still lurked inside me. I did my best not to show it though, since it could be a sign of weakness.
Weakness? How would that show weakness?

Not long after the mention of Sister Margeret, by Sister Innet, the head sister arrived scurrying through the door. When she entered I immediately stood up with my hands at my sides, as was protocol.

“Oh do sit down Riley. I am too tired [s]to[/s] for properness at the moment,” stated Sister Margeret. I was a little taken aback, but I obeyed anyway. Sister Margeret sat down lazily on the couch taking in deep breaths.

Her clothes had been worn by her travels. She wore black, mud stained breeches tucked into matching boots. She wore a loose purple shirt and a black hooded cloak. Sister Margeret’s apparel showed no trace of her rank, which meant she must have not wanted anyone to recognize[s]d[/s] her.

Sister Innet cleared her throat and began to speak once again. “Riley, today you will be receiving the information on your mission that will lead you on your way to the final stage of the sisterhood. Are you aware of this?”

“Yes,” I replied as expected.

“Are you aware that if you do not complete this mission you will not be able to become a full sister and that there are no second chances?”

“Yes.”

“Good, now that that is over with, Sister Margeret do you have the book?” asked Sister Innet.
Ooh, cliffhanger!




____________________________________
ok more is promised soon but i dont want to make each post super long and far apart

2. TIPS
Before you post something, read it aloud. Throughout this story you had odd sentences and misplaced words. To be able to catch these, you have to hear them.

Also, lay off the description. I like how you want to create a picture in someone's head, but sometimes you have to give just enough and let them picture it themselves. In some parts, the way you worded it was confusing, or just plain unnecessary.

Practice your punctuation!

3. OVERALL
I like! Can't wait to read more!

P.S this review took me forever!

even if it did take you forever Im glad you reviewed it livinginfantasy

and yes I should have read it aloud, but when I posted it I had read it before what felt like a million times, when it was only a couple, also I was in a rush.

I promise to make corrections since the post up now is the original...

anyway I was in Maryland all day so dont expect anything updated til tuesday...i know I said I would do it sooner, but Ill get to it

Thanks Again for all those who reviewed it. And for those who read this but not the prologue you can check out the prologue here:

topic32806.html

Enjoy! And Thanks Again

*passes out from 6 hour car ride home (its only supposed to be three but it was bumper trafic)*

I posted the rewrite but not here since it would only get to confusing.
I change alot in the beginning but kept the story of riley's past. It is still a cliffhanger so if you dont feel like critiquing it again thats fine, just thought I'd mention it.

to see the rewrite go here:

post418434.html#418434