Criss Cross

We crissed,
Then we crossed,
Standing on the wet, cold grass,
Where we met.
Watching the world passerby
On this dark night.
Seeing by the light of quick fireflies.

You and me,
Catching a star,
Criss crossing our fingers,
Interlocking airtight.
As we climb on top of the star
Then we take flight.

I’m the dark blue sky,
And you are clear as the shooting stars.
Let’s run away into the night,
No one will know where we are.

But night will have to turn into day.
The day where you’ll have to go away.
And life will win over love this time.
We were two trains on the same track,
We crossed paths and we can’t go back.

But eventually someone picks up the pieces,
And moves on.
Someone who turns the tracks parallel.
What does parallel mean,
Except love found when we crissed
And love lost when we crossed.

I really enjoyed this poem, the structure was inconsistent but it had a very definite metre.
It sort'a read like they were lyrics. ooo try putting them to music ^^

Good job

Love
Kris
x

Hi aestar!

I really loved the criss-crossing! I thought this was great, but I do have some suggestions for you. I'm going to quote the whole thing and score things out and so on, because the main comments I have are to do with rhythm.

We crissed,
[s]Then [/s]We crossed,
Standing on the wet, cold grass,
[s]Where we met.[/s]
Watching the world [s]passerby[/s] pass us by
[s]On this dark night. [/s]
[s]Seeing by [/s]in the light of [s]quick[/s] fireflies.

You and me,
[s]Catching a star, [/s]
Criss crossing our fingers,
[s]Interlocking airtight. [/s]
As we climb [s]on top of the[/s] a star
And then [s]we[/s] take flight.

I’m the dark blue sky;
[s]And[/s] You're clear as [s]the[/s] shooting stars. - I'd find a different word for 'clear'.
Let’s run away into the night;
[s]No one will know[/s] Let them guess where we are.

But night [s]will have to[/s] always turns into day,
The day where you’ll have to go away. - I think you should take out the rhyme here. Perhaps:
When you must disappear.
And life [s]will[/s] wins over love this time.
We were two trains on the same track, - On the same track? They would be on different tracks just criss-crossing at one point, would they not?
We crossed paths and we can’t go back.

But eventually someone picks up the pieces,
And moves on.
Someone [s]who[/s] turns the tracks parallel.
What does parallel mean,
Except love found when we crissed
And love lost when we crossed.

The ending doesn't quite make sense to me. I can't equate parallel with 'love found when we crissed/And love lost when we crossed'. I think you should take out the third last line and find a different link so you can keep the last two, which are brilliant.

As kris said, the structure was inconsistent but I don't think it mattered. I thought this was a sweet poem and as I already said, I loved the criss-crossing metaphor for these two people who cross paths for a short time. Well done!

Hey there, aestar!

I really liked the idea of criss-crossing. I think you should really take advantage with Sapphire's suggestions, because they were really good!

Standing on the wet, cold grass,

Where we met.

You should ditch the comma, and if you want to keep the second line, you should do something for it. Right now, it just seems dull. Wet and cold are also a little been-there-done-that adjectives, but of course, if you meant that line to be neutral, then they will do.

But night will have to turn into day.

The day where you’ll have to go away.

I like this verse, it's nice to say Although I think it should be "The day when you'll have to go away", but I don't know whether I am right.


Well, overall, the idea was sweet, and by some editing I'm sure you'll have a great piece! See you around.


Demeter xxx

We crissed,
we crossed,
Standing on the damp, cool grass,
Watching the world pass us by
On this dark night.
Seeing by the light of fireflies.

You and me,
Catching a star,
Criss crossing our fingers,
Interlocking airtight.
As we climb on top of a star
And then we take flight.

I’m the dark blue sky;
You’re are transparent as the shooting stars.
Let’s run away into the night;
No one will know where we are.

But night always to turns into day.
The day where you’ll have to go away.
And life will win over love this time.
We were two trains on the same track,
We crossed paths and we can’t go back.

But eventually someone picks up the pieces,
And moves on.
Someone turns the tracks parallel.
What does parallel mean,
Except the opposite of
Criss,
cross.

I'm gonna crit the first one you posted, that way you have more info to use to improve your poem further, yes?

Okay, first of all I'll point out what I really liked. You used a good story line - I have to admit, I'm not a fan of the "love" poem, but this was done pretty well - and you made it very original. Your imagery was just great; I liked the talk of the stars and you enthused how much the writer felt for however they were talking about. My favourite part must've been;

"Where we met.
Watching the world passerby."

Now, I don't know if you made a typo there or not - as Sapphire pointed out - but I like the idea of using the world in the theme of a passerby. It's very different. Now, I'll point out a few things that you could maybe improve on.

I think the pattern of the poem was a little higgle-de-piggle-de. As Kris said, the structure is quite inconsistent. This is seen mostly in the last stanza, where you kind of just let the lines run riot. Be careful of that.

Happy writing!