The End

The streets are blazing,
People are dying,
The old are sick,
Babies are crying.
Devastation strikes this earth,
Like a workers sledgehammer.
This is
the,
end.
No place to hide,
No place to duck.
No soul leaves alive,
The world is left amuck.
A crack in the line,
Or a gap in the earth,
Releases a ghastly and deadly magma,
Outcomes the beast with devil’s brand.
Whisking away the souls of the damned.
Winds swirl like a bowl of soup,
Taking sinners in.
Light doesn’t live here
Light can’t reside.
No spells,
Incantations,
Or enchantments will help you survive.
Then something unusual happens,
The most extravagant event.
A single light crackles though the dark clouds and onto the earth.
A hole,
A heavenly hole,
A figure comes down from the hole.
Man or spirit?
Seeing a face you cannot see.
A bright light smashes though the earth.
Blackout of minds,
A whiteout of sins,
To bring out
Eternity,
Everlasting life,
And good within.

This is very apocalyptic. Does that make sense? It reminds me of a passage from the bible. Anyway, a few things here:

1. You tell too much. Have a look at these statements and maybe try and think of better imagery and metaphors to interest the reader:

People are dying,

The old are sick,

Babies are crying.

This reads a bit stilted. Consider revision.

2. Secondly you make basic grammar and punctuation mistakes:

Like a worker's sledgehammer.

There are some things in this that I really like. Although the structure bothered me sometimes as I felt you could have played around with it more, this is very effective:

This is

the,

end.

Very nice indeed.

The last section needs very little work. Although I would suggest getting rid of one or two lines because your over-description of the figure coming is unnecessary. It made me imagine Jesus coming to us? Is that what you were aiming for? At any rate it's just my perception.

Right now, I'd give this 7.5/ 10.

Let's make it a ten, shall we?

Love,

Eimear

very intense! full of imagery and packed with emotion. a very interesting subject i might add. you have a very unique perspective on such unusual topics. you really were able to bring together different words and make them into something that grabed ahold AND held tight till the end. great job!!!

This is a great idea! I think you pulled it off well!

There's one main thing that could make it better though, which Eimear already mentioned a bit. You tell me the babies are crying, and the old people are sick, but I can't see it. Persuade us that that's what's really happening, don't just make us take your word for it. Show us the ugliness!! What does it smell/sound/feel like? You did some awesome stuff later, so just carry some of that imagery to your beginning, and you're set.

I especially like the ending. There was so much cacophony and conflict, then the light peeks out through the clouds. Beautiful.