Strawberry Kisses #1

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Hello everyone!

I know, I know, for those of you who know me, I shouldn't be starting a new story since I have started so many already but I watched the movie "The Notebook" last night and here I am, submitting another story. Harsh critiques are welcome, as usual.

Also, if anyone as suggestions for a new title, let me know, cause I'm not sure I like this one.

Happy Reading :D

**Edited as of August 20**
________________________________________________________

PART ONEPresent

Love and Death.

Such powerful words, one bringing such happiness and the other so much pain. It was a wonder how they both fit into Lana’s daily schedule. As she lay on her back, the nurse fluttering around her like a waning butterfly, she knew that it was time to let it all go. She had done all that she could.
At least, that’s what she kept telling herself.
Squeezing her eyes shut, a brief ripple of pain cascaded through her body, leaving her limbs aching and her wishing that it would all go away. The nurse soon presented her with the miracle pill, the one that could grant her wish. Swallowing it down, she eased back onto her pillows as the nurse backed out of the room. Lana used to be her, a young nurse tending to the needy, to the broken, aiming to fix them.
Now Lana was the one needing fixing.
Smiling softly, she forced herself back into the past. It seemed that she was living there now, reliving every moment that she could before it was too late. The memories were still clear, still fresh, and she savored them.

Light was fading, dabbing the sky with blues and purples. The moon was a sliver slicing through the sky like a tear in the velvet blanket stretched across the heavens, and the first twinkling diamonds were blessing the open vastness above me. I fell back onto the blanket, the wool fibers scratching my bare arms and legs. Peeking over to my right, I saw him, standing off to the side, looking into the same sky as I had. His eyes were hooded, lost in thought. His loose-fitting tee ruffled in the light breeze, forming to his shape. That’s when he turned to meet my eyes.
I didn’t look away; just allowed a shy smile to spread across my lips. His own smirked in knowing before he slowly padded over, his body moving in that coy way of his that I loved so much. “What’cha looking at?” he asked me, his voice soft in the evening air.
“You,” I answered without any hint of shame. “Who else?” I rolled to my side to better see him. He was standing at the foot of my blanket, legs shoulder-width apart, hands shoved deep into his pockets. His brown hair was long, curling around his ears and hanging low over his brow. His silhouette was imprinted against the sky, looking like something out of an art museum. He made my stomach grow wings and flutter, weightless, inside of me.
“I don’t know. Maybe fantasizing about all those guys in your class.”
“What guys?” I asked innocently, producing a smile from him. “The only guy I fantasize about is you.”
“I hope so,” he answered seriously, before falling to the earth beside me. I laughed softly, lying back onto the blanket again. The sky was slowly darkening in color, turning into an unforgettable black, one that swallows all the light from the earth; and suddenly, I was afraid.
”Charlie?”
”Hmm?” he mumbled, his lips unable to produce the words as fatigue slowly consumed his body like an unwanted drug.[I]
[I]”You think Dr. Davidson will find out what’s wrong with me?” My voice was a soft tremble, tumbling from my mouth like droplets of water from a roof after a heavy rain.

Charlie immediately awoke, his eyes wide, spinning to face me. “What’cha talking about? Of course he is. Don’t you dare doubt that, Lana Louise,” he scolded, eyes blazing.
”I know, Charlie, I know. I’m just—“ I cut off, eyes brimming with acid tears.
”Oh, baby,” he murmured, cupping my face in his hands and pulling me close to him. His palms were warm and rough, the calluses brushing my cheekbones. Sitting up, he pulled my face into his chest, holding me like he would an infant. My lips brushed the collar of his shirt, and I inhaled the smell of him—dry leather, sawdust, and pine needles. It made my heart start to pound, just being near him. “You’ll be with me, Lana. You’ll be with me forever.”
”How do you know? How do you know that God doesn’t have another plan for me?” I demanded, pulling away from him to look into his muddled green-brown eyes that reminded me of the forests back home.
”I just do,” Charlie answered with so much passion, with so little doubt, that I felt my own drain away.
”I love you, Charlie Boon,” I swore, my voice muffled against the cotton fabric covering his wide chest.
”And I you, Lana Louise. I could never love another but you.”

Lana felt the drug working it’s magic. Her body was dulling, the pain fading. Soon exhaustion, like a heavy cloud, would pass over her and she would be gone until the following morning. She tried to fight against it, struggling to resurface the memories that were slowly sinking away. She wanted to pull them back, relive every moment. But the pill’s power was too much, and Lana’s eyes fell closed, blocking off the world of pain and happiness for another night.

She dreamed of happier times, of earlier events between her and Charlie…

”Charlie Boon, is that you?” I exclaimed, shocked to see the boy standing in the doorway, looking so out of place amongst the kids of my class. He was dressed in tan khakis and a blue blazer, his hair combed. I was in my school uniform, my black pleated skirt reaching to my knees and my vest buttoned up to my throat. “You know you aren’t allowed here,” I chided, my eyes narrowing as the whole class, boys and girls alike, watched the scene unfold.
“I know. I just couldn’t stop from coming over here.” He looked so innocent, his cheeks rosy from the run, that my knees turned to jelly and I had to grip the side of my desk to hold myself up.
“You’re going to get in big trouble, Boon, coming back here,” a deep voice warned from the back of the room. Both Charlie and I spun to face Harry Simon, his chiseled face grave. Charlie turned to him with his usual cockiness, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
“Oh, yeah, Harry? What’cha going to do? You gonna shoot me, Harry.”
“No, but you know what the principal said when he expelled you, sent you to St. Joseph’s.” Harry’s eyes gleamed with dislike.
“How do you know what he said to me?” Charlie challenged, his shoulder stiffening.
Harry grinned. “You ain’t the only one, Boon, that breaks the rules around here. I’m just not stupid enough to get caught.”
Charlie ground his teeth together, advancing on Harry, but I stepped in the way. “Don’t,” I said firmly, pressing my palms into his shoulders; Charlie froze. “Just go, Charlie, before you do get in trouble.” My voice broke through his fantasies and he blinked several times, staring down into my glassy bronze orbs.
“Yeah,” he agreed, shaking his head and slowly backing away, “Yeah, I better go. But you gotta promise me, Lana, to meet me at the strawberry patch after school.” I didn’t answer him right away, not sure how to take him. If he was serious or not. When I looked into his eyes, I saw a deepness to them, a sincerity, that made him look older than his seventeen years.
Then I knew I couldn’t refuse him. There was something in that crooked smile, in that cocky walk, in that husky laugh that just sent my heart a pattering like the weak motor of a locomotive. “Okay, Boon.” I allowed a fleeing smile to cross my lips before he disappeared out the door, his new shoes squeaking on the linoleum as he fled.


Lana smiled in her sleep, the memory sweet on her tongue. But she was rudely shaken awake by a pair of chilled hands, as if they had been sitting in a bucket of ice all morning. “Lana, Lana!” the voice hissed annoyingly until her lids fluttered open. She sat there for a few moments, unresponsive, as she glared up into the face of Dr. Vincent Davidson. “Hey, Lana,” he breathed, smiling apologetically down at her. “Sorry to wake you but we have to check some of your vitals, give you your medication.”
“Can’t it wait,” Lana grumbled, sitting up, the pain in her limbs ignited with hot, searing flames the licked her bones dry. She let loose a slur of unintelligible curses as the doctor brought about a palm full of pills and a needle connected to an IV.
“Sorry, Lana, I really am. But you know how we have to keep you under a schedule so your body fluids stay level.” He watched her take the pills, one by one, then injected the IV into her bloodstream.
“I have AIDS, doctor, not cancer,” she growled as he released her arm.
“Yes, but your body is trying to fight off a bad case of the flu, so just bear with me.” He tweaked her nose affectionately, producing a smile for his effort. “Nurse Cathy should be in a little while to bring in your breakfast. Sorry again about waking you.”
“It’s okay, Dr. Davidson,” she murmured.
“Good. See you soon, Lana.” And he was out the door, on his way to check on other patients. Lana sighed. Would her life ever return to a state of normalcy? Or would she forever be in and out of the hospital, her body unable to fight simple cases of the flu?
She guessed the answer was no.
Last edited by ashleylee on Sun Aug 31, 2008 7:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Ashley-
First of all, Lana has AIDS?! But how?
Okay, I have to ask...what time period is this? It seems like it's in the '50s. But that's just me.
I like how you inserted the past into the present. It gives you the sense of both.
Now the first past scenario is that different then the second one? I mean...are they different ages between both of them?
Well that's all of my weird/dumb questions for today. :wink: {I know I ask too many questions}
-Merry




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hey,
I thought that I should definitely review your stories since you've been so kind and helpful to me. This seems like a great beginning, though things seem a little obvious right now. Make things a little bit more subtle and it'll make things more interesting. You had a little glitch there with the italics but that's easy to fix. a great first chapter. great detail!

♥beautyy
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oh wow.

this is very good.

one thing though:

how did Lana get AIDS? Was she born with it? or did something else happen?

i hope you post another piece soon.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

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Merry_Haven:

The whole AIDS thing will be explained in the following chapters. Promise :wink:
Okay, the 50's thing...I guess I wasn't going for THAT late but yes, it is set in maybe the late 80's or early 90's. I don't want it to be set in way back in the past because I do have some mordern things in this. But hopefully, that clears up as the story goes.
For the two different scenes, they are in the same age, same time. One is the summer before school starts and the second is one a few months after.

Hope that cleared up everything, and thanks SO much for reviewing :D

beautyandthefish:

Yeah, I struggled with the obvious/subtle thing. I promise to work on that :wink:
And thanks a bunch for reviewing :D
Still love your name.

Night Mistress:

Oh, thanks, Bri. You are too sweet :D
Yeah, you'll figure out the AIDS thing in the next following installments. I dont' want to ruin it for everyone :wink:
Well, thanks so much for reviewing and I can't wait for the next chapter of Poison Love!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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You're telling us some stuff but leaving out the essentials. We need to know more about Charlie & Lana. It is nice that we can get a sense of the past & the present, but you're mixing up the past & it's confusing. We know what Charlie looks like:
legs shoulder-width apart, hands shoved deep into his pockets. His brown hair was long, curling around his ears and hanging low over his brow.

the boy standing in the doorway, looking so out of place amongst the kids of my class. He was dressed in tan khakis and a blue blazer, his hair combed.

But we don't have a good understanding of what Lena looks like or much about Charlie.




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Hey Ashley! I'm drawn in by the title. Mmm, strawberries. :P

This page is contorted - I think your line break is too long. Try shortened it to snap the page dimensions back to their normal size, because right now I'm sliding to the left and right to read your story. ^^

Such powerful words, one bringing so much happiness and the other so much pain. It was a wonder how they both fit into Lana’s daily schedule. As she lay on her back, the nurse fluttering around her like a waning butterfly [s]nearing its last breathe[/s], she knew that it was time to let it all go. She had done all that she could.

I think the imagery of a butterfly breathing is strange - I assume they would breathe. Maybe through their skin? Either way, I think because of this it's weak imagery, and the simile sounds better in a simpler form without the breathing bit.

Squeezing her eyes shut, a brief ripple of pain cascaded through her body, leaving her limbs aching and her wishing that it would all go away. The nurse soon presented her with the miracle pill, the one that could grant her wish. Swallowing it down, she eased back onto her pillows as the nurse backed out the room. Lana used to be her, a young nurse tending to the needy, to the broken, aiming to fix them.

As the nurse "backed out OF the room." I think your phrase "Lana used to be her" is awkward. I think you're saying Lana used to be in the place of this nurse, but this also could be a typo of "here". I'm not sure what you're going for. Either way, this sentence needs a rewrite. It has too many commas and is phrased stintedly.

Oh wait, I just realized with the next sentence that Lana is the main character. Well - that sentence still needs a rewrite.

It seemed that she was living there now, reliving every moment that she could before it was too late. The memories were still clear, still fresh, and she savored them while she could.

Two she coulds, so close to one another! This repetition has an easy fix, a little rewrite will make this sound better.

“You,” I answered without any hint of shame. “Who else?” I rolled to my side to better see him. He was standing at the foot of my blanket, legs shoulder-width apart, hands shoved deep into his pockets. His brown hair was long, curling around his ears and hanging low over his brow. His silhouetted was imprinted against the sky, looking like something out of an art museum. He made my stomach grow wings and flutter, weightless, inside of me.

Hm. Do they know each other? I'm assuming they do. And "his silhouette".

”I just do,” Charlie answered with so much passion, with so little doubt, that I felt my own drain away.
”I love you, Charlie Boon,” I swore, my voice muffled against the cotton fabric covering his wide chest.
”And I you, Lana Louise. I could never love another but you.”

D'aaw. :cry:

“Yeah, I better go. But you gotta promise me, Lana, to meet me at the strawberry patch after school.”
“Charlie,” I groaned, a few kids snickering at his statement,

Oh, I groaned too. That is a very corny statement. The story already has a very lovey-dovey tone - don't overdue it with phrases like that.

Well, the only thing really bother me about this is:

Age
How old are they? Their tones seem very childish, very young - I would think middleschool. But this seems like a more serious love, and that would be late high school. And AIDS? Considering HIV takes years to really show, I don't know... I suppose it depends on how she contracted it. Right now I'm thinking she's in her mid-to-late teens, but their tones are more childish, and I think you need to work on them sounding a bit older than they are. A touch of sarcasm, a lack of innocence, I suppose, is a way to explain it? There are other ways though.

Other than that - very sweet. :( I want to find out what happens to her.

PM me if you have any questions! ^_^

~ Clo
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booklover:

Yeah, I totally understand what you mean about Charlie and Lana. I will work on that but I guess it's because this is only part one. I have eight parts so far, so that might clear up a lot of your questions.

But I will work on fixing it up :wink;

Thanks for reviewing!

clograbby

I know, I tend to get a little lovey-dovey when it comes to certain things. I'll try to make it more serious.
About their age, I wanted them to be (in the past) at least seventeen, maybe sixteen. But now that you mention middleschoolage, I better work on that.
That AIDS thing will be cleared up, especially how she got it. It will all make sense in the following chapters. Promise :wink:

Thanks so much for reading! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Why do you do this?
Well in any case I loved it. I thought that it sounds interesting and I am a total sap for gooey love stories.
You have some great imagery in there, I also like the memories mixed with the present.
The only crit I have for you is that I would like some more detail about Lana, the only thing I know about her so far is that she has brown eyes, AIDS, and is in love with Charlie Boon. Adding a bit more detail in there would be much appreciated!

Anyway, I love it and I hope you continue with it. Of course this means that you will be working over time as I don't want you to forget about Poison Roses (this is what I meant by my asking of why)
I will keep my eyes open for both!

-Your Devoted Reader
It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea




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omsvmars22:

Sometimes I wonder that same thing when I start new stories :lol: But I just can't resist! When an idea pops into my head, I just have to write it down! I bet you can totally relate, right?

But yes, I will continue to work on both of these stories. No doubt about that.

And thanks for taking the time to read this one as well. I will be posting the second chapter right after I finish typing this! :wink:
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


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~ Red Auerbach




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*runs down to get printed copy from YWS folder*

Here's the promised review. :)

As she lay on her back, the nurse
Laid, according to Microsoft Word when I printed it off.

The memories were still clear, still fresh, and she savored them.
I like this line because it leads right to the flashback.

”Hmm?” he mumbled, his lips unable to produce the words as fatigue slowly consumed his body like an unwanted drug.[I]
No need for [I] to be there.

[I]”You think Dr. Davidson will find out what’s wrong with me?” My voice was a soft tremble, tumbling from my mouth like droplets of water from a roof after a heavy rain.
Same here.

Of course he is. Don’t you dare doubt that, Lana Louise,” he scolded, eyes blazing.
Will, not Is, because if you read it all together, Is doesn't sound right in the sentence.

”I know, Charlie, I know. I’m just—“ I cut off, eyes brimming with acid tears.
You hear "acid tears" in a lot of teen romances now. Maybe put something different?

“Can’t it wait,”
A question mark instead of a period because she's asking a question.

“Yes, but your body is trying to fight off a bad case of the flu, so just bear with me.”
[s] a bad case[/s] it off like a bad case...


Overall

I agree that it's a little sappy and how, as Clo mentioned, they don't really sound like teens.
Work on things like the whole "acid tear" thing; that kind of stuff is overused now.
Read over the story several times and read it out loud. Those are two easy ways to fix some of the simple mistakes.
As of the characters, they were okay. Elaborate on Lana more. Tell us why they fell in love at some point during the next eight parts.
Plot: I'm interested to see how it turns out and I loved the use of flashbacks.

I look forward on reading more. :)

-alwaysawriter
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alwaysawriter:

Thanks so much! :D

The thing with Lana is is that I don't want to share too much because I want to develop her slowly....but I do agree with you that she needs more, so thanks for pointing that out :wink:

And I promise to work on everything else you said as well!

Thanks again for reading!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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”Hmm?” he mumbled, his lips unable to produce the words as fatigue slowly consumed his body like an unwanted drug.[I]

[I]”You think Dr. Davidson will find out what’s wrong with me?” My voice was a soft tremble, tumbling from my mouth like droplets of water from a roof after a heavy rain.

Typos in there. We can see the [I] things. Otherwise, nothing wrong with this.

The language in this piece was very beautiful, Ash. You had a good flow.

But may I make a suggestion? Instead of making the Present part of the story in past tense, why not be consistent and make both present? And vise versa with the Past part.

Otherwise - while I don't think this was particularly riveting or your best - it feels like a solid beginning.




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KJ:

That is a good point to consider...I'm not sure why I did that :oops: I will look into that...

Thanks, kels, for reading, and I will get on reviewing your chapter 10 By Sun, By Moon!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach



I went to confront noisy neighbours, only to find the windows dark, stuck with two notes. The ghost, too, had "gone fishing". Something still whistled.
— Liminality