Child's Play

Firstly, Lol, I no that the title CHILD'S PLAY has already been used for a film, so please dont mention that , Me and My Co-Creating-book friend and trying to find out another name for the book, but for now, its going to be CHILD'S PLAY. Anyways, Well this is our first 2 paragraphs in the beginning of the book, we just wanted to know if u like it and that if it grabbed ur attention as a reader, if there are any mistakes, please feel free to correct them .

My Co-Creating-Book Friend = SwottieLottie. = Really Good Writer.

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Alone. It was a word that was slowly beginning to feel like a straightforward definition of his life; as if it was consuming his identity, bit by bit, like a parasite on the back of an animal. And yet somehow, he didn’t notice. It wasn’t because he couldn’t understand what was happening. He just didn’t want to. He couldn’t bear to think that his life may well be meaningless and isolated from others. Nor could he bear that thought to be engraved into his mind, bubbling to the surface of his conscience at every spare moment.

For he was the sort of person that would sit silently, in a class, unnoticed throughout the whole lesson. The sort of person that was excluded from party invitations. The sort of person whose ‘friends’ remained distant. That ‘sort of person’, was Riley Fletcher: a short, thin, 13 year old boy with no redeeming features, just a messy mop of dark brown hair, that hung over his matching pair of bright brown eyes.

~I like it

Cool, a new member!

Before I review, I just wanted to mention the 2:1 ratio. For every 2 reviews, you can post 1 piece of yours. That way things work out for everyone.

Now onto your excerpt.

I like it. It doesn't really make me go crazy to read more, but I like it so far. I like how you introduced your character. And although it sems too early to judge, you seem like a fairly decent writer.

There isn't much here, so I can't crit, but I do want to read more.

Nice to meet ya! PM me when you get more up!

Yeah this grabbed my attention. I am really curious to know what it is going to be about. I felt like it was well-written and flowed nicely. The way you described his loneliness was very cool. I just hope things get better for this kid and he finds some friends. Again, I want to know what happens in this one.

It was short! Way too short! But anyways:

It was a word that was slowly beginning to feel like a straightforward definition of his life; as if it was consuming his identity, bit by bit, like a parasite on the back of an animal.

That's a long sentence. Maybe replace the semi-colon with a period and start the next sentence with 'It was'? I don't know.

[s]And[/s] Yet, somehow, he didn’t notice.

The 'and' seems to kill the atmosphere you're building.

The sort of person that was excluded from party invitations. The sort of person whose ‘friends’ remained distant.

Maybe add another sentence starting with 'the sort of...'? The repetition doesn't seem to work unless you repeat it once more, in my opinion.

dark brown hair, that

No need for the comma.

~~~

It was a nice opening. Though, I was slightly concerned that this Riley Fletcher character will become a clichéd emo kid in the future of the story. D: So yeah, I anticipate to see a valid and interesting reason for him to feel so 'lonely'.

I can't really judge plot or anything much, as your excerpt is extremely short. So good luck!

Thanks Reason Invalid for Critiquing.. my work, and giving an opinion, i really appreciate that xD

Oh and by the way, Its short because its only the first 2 paragraphs of chapter 1.. so yeah, thats it really, thanks a bunch for reviewing.

As said above, I'm the co-writer for this book! We're stuck on how to write the next part. Basically, we want Riley to be introduced, sitting in the playground but we have no idea how to do this. Should we put *** and just start writing the scene or somehow carry on draw the scene on from these two paragraphs? Any answers would be appreciated!

Thanks in advance.

Ok Swottie and Digital, I am here!

Alone. It was a word that was slowly beginning to feel like a straightforward definition of his life;

Um, take out 'straightforward', and replace the semicolon with a comma.

as if it was consuming his identity, bit by bit, like a parasite on the back of an animal.

this line seems really redundant, It would sound better if you just took it out completely and just keep going with the rest. Take it out, trust me.

And yet somehow, he didn’t notice. It wasn’t because he couldn’t understand what was happening. He just didn’t want to. He couldn’t bear to think that his life may well be meaningless and isolated from others. Nor could he bear that thought to be engraved into his mind, bubbling to the surface of his conscience at every spare moment.

If this person didn't want to notice this occurance then he knows what going on. This bit doesn't make much sense.

For he was the sort of person that would sit silently, in a class, unnoticed throughout the whole lesson. The sort of person that was excluded from party invitations. The sort of person whose ‘friends’ remained distant. That ‘sort of person’, was Riley Fletcher

In this little paragraph you use way too many 'sort of person' in there. change it up a little, use a different word to describe riley, and when you say his name put a comma after it if you're going to describe him, don't put a :


[s]: [/s]a short, thin, 13 year old boy with no redeeming features, just a messy mop of dark brown hair, that hung over his matching pair of bright brown eyes.

Overall it was Ok, there really wasn't anything to grab my attention and hold it, It wasn't because it was short because even in a short piece you can have a hook.

I'm sorry if that was too harsh, and if it was its

only because I care

-TGL-

Well this is where i say goodbye

Goodbye

---Jon---