Less Hope, More Faith [Edited]

Less Hope, More Faith

Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.

Take a step – it's just the one!
But with it let the light be gone;
delve through darker dedications,
never heeding light temptations.

Don't look back; don't tarry dear,
you have no need to weep or fear
the winged beasts of dark and gloom
who close the hinges of your tomb.

Have faith in words I whisper close,
don't look so distant and morose.
Just take my hand, let me direct
to places where you won't suspect.

Hope has no residence in hearts
near torn asunder, ripped apart
by hands still bloody with last trust
that turns to ashes, drained to dust.

___________________
Inspired by friendship. And that justifys the throw-back to my structured days if you ask me XD

I love the rhythm of this, it really sweeps you away. The rhyme is very effective and you have some great imagery. The tone suits it perfectly. I'll just go through this line by line...

"Lest hope do trick (maybe try something stronger, also two syllabyls, like "confound". This is a good opening.) your foolish heart,

you must cast her out, and (think you need "and" for the rythm) let depart

the acrid whims of angel's wings

which clutch at twisted puppet strings. (Brilliant imagery here).



Take a step – it's just the one!

But with it let the light be gone;

[s]a[/s]cross the roads of trepidations, (I'd say "cross" to keep the imperative strong)

towards the devil's sweet temptations. (This could be more original, the devil is often associated with temptation. Could you bring him into this line without being so direct?)


Don't look back; don't tarry dear,

you have no need to weep, or fear

the winged beasts of dark and gloom

who [s]seal[/s] close the hinges of your tomb. (this is a brilliant line.)



Have faith in words I whisper close,

don't look so distant and morose.

Just take my hand, let me direct

to places where you won't suspect. (I think this verse is a little flimsy. Maybe try more imagery)



Hope has no residence in hearts

near torn asunder, ripped apart

by hands still bloody with last trust

that turns to ashes, drained to dust." (This is a powerful stanza and ends the piece well. I love "still bloody with last trust.")

Overall this is fresh and powerful and the format is very effective.

Jas

I just wanted to say: Wow! I love it! I love the imagery, the rhythm, the rhyme, and your wide range of words. You keep us interested without rushing, and you make us think by saying things in a new way. Like, "acrid whims of angel wings," I would have never thought of that!
The last stanza was my favorite. It creates a full circle and wraps it up neatly. Beautiful.

--Anna

Edited! I hope this is better?

Don't look back; don't tarry dear,

you have no need to weep or fear

the winged beasts of dark and gloom

who close the hinges of your tomb.

This stanza was really good to me, it definitely stood out for me.

Hope has no residence in hearts

This line kinda confused me?? Wasn't to sure about it, didn't seem like it fit in with the theme of the poem, and the rest of the poem.

Didn't get to see the 1st version, but whatever you did it worked, this was a nice read

Your avatar is awesome by the way!