Der Liederbuch

Der Liederbuch

You are a book with too many words
in a language of spectral letters,
but if I close my eyes, I see:
read with me, read with me.
In the silence, I hear you speak;
you tell me things I can’t believe,
but all along, you’re whispering:
read with me, read with me.

The end will be so sweet
with no pages left to turn,
and no breaths left to breathe.
I’ll walk into the grave,
sans regret or parody,
close my eyes and think:
I have read, yes, I have read,
I have read with thee.


*der Liederbuch - songbook

----

I wrote this for the writing Olympics. I was going to wait until the contest was judged, but oh well. It may or may not look like a good poem. It's a metaphor, but I am open to reader interpretation, so make something up. ^_~

I love you writing style,
How what your poem is about is very open to interpretation
but how you can tell in means something to you that I'm sure very few people will be able guess.

It made me feel something painful and sweet, and what more can you ask for than your words to be brought to life in someones heart.
I really liked it I read it over and over again.

SUZANNE! Hi.

You are a book with too many words
in a language of spectral letters,
but if I close my eyes, I see:
read with me, read with me.

Hmm. The first two lines seem too prosaic to me, as is often the case with your poetry; they aren't a really attention-grabbing or interesting opening.
Looking at it, though, I think it might sound better if you just took out "with too many words":
You are a book
in a language of spectral letters.
Yeah, I like the rhythm of that a lot better.
Then continue:
If I close my eyes I see
read with me.

In the silence, I hear you speak;
you tell me things I can’t believe,
but all along, you’re whispering:
read with me, read with me.

I'm not sure yet how I feel about the repetition of "read with me"--not only on individual lines, but throughout the poem. Sometimes it strikes me as lyrical, other times...lyrical in the way that children's books are lyrical.
Here is also where the religious message--which I guess is what you're going for--gets much more obvious. It's dangerously close to cliche and overly sappy religious stuff.

The end will be so sweet
with no pages left to turn,
and no breaths left to breathe.
I’ll walk into the grave,
sans regret or parody,
close my eyes and think:
I have read, yes, I have read,
I have read with thee.

Rephrase:
The end will be sweet,
no pages left, no breaths left.
I can lay down in my grave,
no regret, no parody.
I have read, I have read,
I have read with thee.
I think taking out the "yes" in the second to last line makes for much better rhythm in the last two lines.

Overall, the poem doesn't appeal to me as much as some of your other stuff, which I think is more fun and often more edgy. This one seems a little dry, a little contrived, a little Chicken-Soup-for-the-Soul. But it has potential...I think you need to work more on adding in some concrete imagery and focus a little less on the metaphor that was the Writing Olympics prompt.

-Colly

This is going to be so hard for me to critique. One, because I like it for what it is: a simple, lyrical interpretation of God. (Yes, I read your entry on the Olympics, so I'll get to the metaphor part later...) On the other hand, I feel like I disagree with some of the lines, on the poetic level. I'll give you examples of both one and two:

I
I loved the metahpor. It was simple. It was touching. It could easily be mistaken for the Bible: I mean, it's a book metaphor of God, and The Holy Bible is the closest real-life example, if not the exact same. I like how you say "Read with me" instead of "read me", because it really adds another depth to your metaphor of God--it's as if you're going on through life with God, and through God's aid, as if he's a friend or counselor to you. I also very much like your style: quaint, simple, down-to-earth. It was very easy to read: I could almost imagine it in a kids' book.

2
I didn't like the title. At all. It feels so foreign and unrelated to the poem, and it's so unnecessary for it to be German. This is such a universally adaptable poem, and when you decide to stick a German title onto it for no reason it only specifies the poem and places it in one specific language. I would much rather you had a one-word title in English that helps identify the poem, something simple, short. Maybe even, "Read with me" would be great. Second, this poem, I think is much more lyrical than it is poetic. Your rhyme scheme works, your repetition works too, but they add a certain gospel, even Christian appeal to the poem, which I don't think fits. Then, also, the last two lines of the poem: what do they mean? They feel so empty, after I thought about it, because not only do we know that you have already read with him, but also they don't seem to mean anything else but that. I think you used them more as a filler, or you haven't really given enough thought to those lines. They also make it seem more like a gospel song than a poem.

Well, hope I helped Suzanne! Overall, I think the good rules the bad, but this is still an imperfect poem (as every poem is [and probably should be.])

oh... so this is a metaphor for god?... as a book...? what? gandi did suzoo tell you this... or did you deduct all that just from reading it... your pretty good.. i sure as heck didnt think about god... cause i dont know how that all connects... god is a book. and then... you cant read it.. but the book talks to you? and tells you to read with him? and hes the book? huh.. i guess.... but the whole you.. like i thought you were talking about me... and then just the whole read with me kinda seemed unnatural... you know what i mean.. read with me read with me? what is this kindergarten story time.. you knwo what im saying.. adn then i have read, yes i have read.. what does that even mean? youve read? so have I... and then the last line... i have read with thee... after you already said it three. times. and the whole reading thing just makes it more melodramatic... and kinda turned into a shakspearon poem.. hark hark, thou O sweet book, i have readeth thee, to be, or not to beee... and i agree with ghandi.. whats up with the german title? i thought this was gonna be a story about a christmas tree

Suzanne wrote:Der Liederbuch



The end will be so sweet
with no pages left to turn,
and no breaths left to breathe.
I’ll walk into the grave,
sans regret or parody,
close my eyes and think:
I have read, yes, I have read,
I have read with thee.

I thought saying "no breaths left to breathe" sounded a bit awkward. Maybe saying "no air left to breathe" sounds like a better alternative to me, but you could probably just play around with that. Besides that, I thought it flowed pretty well and was good overall. I'm not much of poet, but those are my two cents. ^_^


[s]BlackGhost[/s]

This poem reminded me of that teacher in Billy Madison, the one who smears glue all over her face. I have to agree with Xena this seemed very constrained and unnatural when I read it. Usually metaphorical poems are more vague and flow, this definitely did not flow. Sorry just didn't work for me.

The first and the second stanzas contrast too much for me. The first half is all about the metaphor, and almost being mystified by it, while the second half is all about suspending the illusion and what happens at the end of the metaphor. It's almost confusing because I expect that the illusion of metaphor will be maintained, but it's cracked wide open. Now that I think about it, that fits very well with the impending end that comes with the second stanza. Meh, something to chew over, at any rate ^_^

Colly gave some wonderful advice for word choice, so I won't even touch that to avoid repetition. I will say that I like the tone of this. It's very whispery, with all the silence and breaths, and that's very cool. It fits well with the poem as a whole. Similarly, I like the repetition because it makes it very song-like (quick sidenote: have you listened to German Lider? If not, *this* is one of my favourite songs; it might provide you with some inspiration). The repetition keeps things light (even if it's a little more "morbid" near the end), just be careful not to weigh it down with too many words!

Happy writing!

Okay I will just be a complete smart-ass in this post. You get to hit me for it, but ... it's really das Liederbuch. *hides* (I owe you ...?)

I like this
I'd give you some advice on the poem itself, but I think previous reviewers have pretty much covered it. I do like the way it gives you something to think about not only by what it says, but also by the form.

If you're looking for some other German Lieder from a Liederbuch just PM me and I'll be happy to supply you with some.

Sorry for not being very helpful.

All the best,
~Kalliope

Hey Suz!!

Tis the first poem I've read in a while. Since I've been away from the poetic world for sometime I must say that this was marvelous. The only problems I found was:

and no breaths left to breathe

You should really thinking about rewording this because the repetition of words no matter in what form is headache inducing.
Try something more along the lines of:
The end will be so sweet
with no pages left to turn,
with no breaths left to give

I have read, yes, I have read,
I have read with thee.

Again repetition becomes another enemy for Tylenol.
Try:

I have read, yes, I have read thee

OR

Yes, I have read thee

All and all, this was a beautiful piece and I loved it,
Keep writing,
-Angel