The Vampires Kiss (Chapter 3)

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The sun broke through the curtains the next day causing me to blink awake I lay in the messy bed for a second just remembering the night before with a smile, I turned to say good morning but all there was in his place was a note

My Darling,
I’m sorry I was unable to say goodbye this morning,
you looked so serene I was loathed to wake you.
I will in my usual place tonight. Please forgive me,
My heart is yours
Lucas

This sent my heart pounding once again, the thought I would soon be with him again, be able to touch him again, kiss him again made my knees go weak and I was unable to stand for a while. The day crawled by as I tried to busy myself and not count the seconds till I would see Lucas’s glorious face again. Eventually everything I needed to do was done, I’d even spring cleaned the bar and there was still another hour until he would come. This left me alone with my thoughts my mind quickly drifted back to the night which had just been. I could still feel his rough hands caressing my back, his hot breath on my neck, his strangely cool lips against mine, suddenly the door opened interrupting my fantasy, I looked up and the breath caught in my throat the reality was even more wonderful than my fantasy.
"The usual?" I asked recovering myself, he didn’t answer, he just sauntered over to where I was standing and kissed me with such passion that I forgot how to breath.
"Is that going to be the usual from now on?" I asked breathlessly when he released me
"It maybe, I haven’t decided yet and I’ll have that scotch now" he responded winking, I walked round to the other side of the bar to get him and myself a drink
"Well, well that kind of behaviour must be a health code violation" a silky voice said when I looked up there was a man stood in the door with a smile that made me instantly uncomfortable.
"Comfort go upstairs, I’ll explain later" Lucas was somehow in front of me, there was something in his voice and the way he was holding himself that told me not to question or argue. As I ran up the stairs I heard the silky voice say
"Oh that’s shame I would have liked to see her face when you told her what you are, it will be a quite a picture" this made me run quicker fear tightening in my stomach. As I sat cowering in my room, sounds of a fight floated up through the floor and with each new crash or bang the knot of fear would tighten. Then suddenly there was silence….
***********

My door creaked open I hardly dare look up as the knot of fear in by stomach tighten to a new level
"Comfort?" Lucas asked softly and as the old fear eased a new fear gripped me. Who was this man I had let into my bed, I didn’t really know him at all "Are you here? I’m sorry about that he’s gone now" I stood up slowly
"Who the hell was that? What are you?" my voice was shaking
"It is very hard to explain" he sighed "I never wanted to drag you into this world; I knew it was a mistake"
"Well you have… dragged me in so try and explain" I answered my fear now turning into anger.
"Okay, come on we will both need a drink" he answered taking my hand, I pulled it away; I didn’t know this man and I didn’t want him touching me. As I walked behind him down the stairs the anger melted away as I saw the extent of his injuries from the fight.
"Take your top off" I ordered as we got downstairs trying to keep my voice firm
"Excuse me?" he answered
"Your bleeding let me take a look at your injuries" I responded
"I’ll be fine" he said looking down at his shirt "I’m a quick healer"
"I was a Nurse, just let me have a look…. please" I sniffed as a new batch of tears sprung from my eyes, he looked into my eyes for the first time since the fight and slid his shirt off letting in drop on to the floor. He sat down on a low chair so I could look him over; as I did this he began to explain
"I am truely sorry for scaring you and I will leave when I have explained if that is what you want, I should have never endangered you like this in the first place" he sighed with regret in his voice "That was Bailey, he is a mark, a very dangerous mark, I have been tracking him for a year now. Although this is the first time he has come to me obviously intrigued by what I found so fascinating about this bar. And he found you I’m so s…"
"Lucas don’t apologise again, just tell me what you’re talking about a mark, tracking, what do you do?" I asked gently as I cleaned the smaller cuts over his shoulders and back, my anger and fear had completely faded replaced with concern and love, and now I was sure I loved this man.
"Oh sorry, I am a sort of bounty hunter, or at least that is the best analogy I can think of and Bailey is the reason I came to Manchester and why I first came into the bar. I had heard he was around this area and I know he likes to creep around in small bars. Then, then I met you" he sighed "I was spellbound, even after I heard he had left Manchester I stayed, it was irresponsible and reckless" he looked at me as I moved round clean the wounds on his chest, he put his hands gently on either side of my face but I didn’t pull away I just stayed where I was and smiled at him
After a few minutes I said "Most of your cuts are superficial but I need to finish cleaning you up" I laughed "Oh I don’t want you to leave over this"
"I wish that was everything but unfortunately…."
"Shhh baby I don’t need to know tonight and I will never ask you to leave, I promise’" I smiled and kissed his chest. He flinched as I felt down his ribs
"Sorry I think you’ve got a couple of cracked ribs, we should go to the hospital to get them checked out"
Lucas stiffened ‘I cannot go to the hospital’
"Why not? You won’t have to tell them what happened, just need an x-ray and maybe to get a couple of these cuts stitched up" I replied
"You can stitch the cuts and my ribs will heal fine" he responded quickly
"I haven’t sutured a wound in a long time and I don’t have any anaesthetic or anything"
"I can take the pain and just use a normal needle thread" he answered
"Lucas don’t be stupid, tell me why you won’t go to the hospital please" I responded frustrated
He sighed again "Okay sit down and I’ll explain" he said picking me up and placing me on the seat he was sat in as he started pacing "the reason I cannot go to the hospital is that I am not human" I started to laugh what he was saying sounded so ridiculous "Do not laugh I am being perfectly serious"
"What are you then if you are not human?" I asked still chuckling
"Do you remember Bailey saying that he would love to see your face when I told you what I am? Well he meant when I told you that I am a vampire" He looked at me, the disbelief in my eyes "do you want me to show you?" I nodded unable to speak and in a blink of the eye he was across the room behind the bar smiling at me, my mouth fell open, and then he was back kneeling in front of me.
"How, how did you do that?" I stuttered
"It is the vampire blood, it means I can run very fast, my senses are incredibly acute, I am extremely strong and I can do this…’ he opened his mouth displaying his teeth and all of a sudden his canines grew to three times the length of normal, this was too much and I fainted.
The room was spinning as my eyes struggled to open, as the room finally came into focus I saw him stood staring out the window
"Lucas" I whispered and of course he heard me and in the blink of an eye was at my side kneeling on the floor
"Are you okay? I am sorry I did not mean to frighten you with this, but you did insist I told you everything" he grinned at me. I tried to sit up but he caught me by the shoulder
"Lie back for now darling, make sure you feel completely recovered" he said so tenderly staring into my eyes "Just so you know I was contemplating telling you before this mess, Bailey just forced my hand"
"Why? You didn’t seem to want to earlier" I responded more harshly than I wished. He just smiled "I did not wish to tell you downstairs because I did not wish to scare you, which is exactly what happened, I wanted to prepare you for the shock better" he sighed and stroked my face "and the reason I wished to tell you is because I love you Comfort, despite my better judgement I love you more than I have loved anyone before. And in my experience relationships work best when there are no big secrets" once again that night I was speechless and for what felt like forever we simply stared in to each others eyes
"I love you to and I am glad you went against your better judgement on this one" I laughed but he didn’t join in he just smiled and sighed "well I hope it was for the best and I have not dragged you to far into this dark world"
Writing Is Easy All You Have Do Is Stare At A Blank Piece Of Paper Till Your Forehead Bleeds- Sue Townsend




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ok as usual tis good, v. good i have been following this story and am really looking forward to the next chapter. Right onto spelling and grammer, i'm not too good with all this stuff but i will point out some of the more obvious mistakes.


Titch123 wrote:The sun broke through the curtains the next day causing me to blink awake I lay in the messy bed for a second just remembering the night before with a smile, - i think it would run more smoothly if you put a full stop here and started a new sentance.
I turned to say good morning but all there was in his place was a note - full stop, i don't like the way you have written this sentance, maybe something like 'I turned to say good morning but he was gone, replaced by a folded square of paper.' I don't know if this fits or not but i think you need to change that sentance's wording.

My Darling,
I’m sorry I was unable to say goodbye this morning,
you looked so serene I was loathed to wake you.
I will in my usual place tonight. Please forgive me, - i will BE in my...
My heart is yours
Lucas

This sent my heart pounding once again,

the thought of me being with him again, able to touch him again, kiss him again made my knees go weak and I was unable to stand for a while. - i just changed a little bit of the wording again here.

The day crawled by as I tried to busy myself and not count the seconds till I would see Lucas’s glorious face again. Eventually everything I needed to do was done, I’d even spring cleaned the bar and there was still another hour until he would come. This left me alone with my thoughts my mind quickly drifted back to the night which had just been. I could still feel his rough hands caressing my back, his hot breath on my neck, his strangely cool lips against mine, suddenly the door swung opened interrupting my fantasy, I looked up and the breath caught in my throat the reality was even more wonderful than my fantasy.
"The usual?" I asked recovering myself, he didn’t answer, he just sauntered over to where I was standing and kissed me with such passion that I forgot how to breathe.
"Is that going to be the usual from now on?" I asked breathlessly when he released me
"It maybe, I haven’t decided yet and I’ll have that scotch now" he responded winking, I walked round to the other side of the bar to get him and myself a drink - full stop
"Well, well that kind of behaviour must be a health code violation" a silky voice said. I looked up, there was a man standing in the door frame with a smile that made me instantly uncomfortable.
"Comfort go upstairs, I’ll explain later" Lucas was somehow in front of me, there was something in his voice and the way he was holding himself that told me not to question or argue. As I ran up the stairs I heard the silky voice say,
"Oh that’s shame I would have liked to see her face when you told her what you are, it will be a quite a picture" this made me run quicker fear tightening in my stomach. As I sat cowering in my room, sounds of a fight floated- don't know if floated is the right word to use here, maybe something more powerful to match the aggressiveness of the fight downstairs.
up through the floor and with each new crash or bang the knot of fear would tighten. Then suddenly there was silence….
***********- only really need 1 or 2 don't you?

My door creaked open I hardly dare look up as the knot of fear in by stomach tighten to a new level - full stop
"Comfort?" Lucas asked softly and as the old fear eased a new fear gripped me. Who was this man I had let into my bed, I didn’t really know him at all. "Are you here? I’m sorry about that, he’s gone now" I stood up slowly - full stop
"Who the hell was that? What are you?" my voice was shaking - full stop
"It is very hard to explain" he sighed "I never wanted to drag you into this world; I knew it was a mistake"
"Well you have… dragged me in, so try and explain" I answered my fear now turning into anger.
"Okay, come on we will both need a drink" he answered taking my hand, I pulled it away; I didn’t know this man and I didn’t want him touching me.
As I walked behind him down the stairs the anger melted away as I saw the extent of his injuries from the fight.
"Take your top off" I ordered as we got downstairs trying to keep my voice firm - full stop
"Excuse me?" he answered - full stop (love this line)
"Your bleeding let me take a look at your injuries" I responded - full stop
"I’ll be fine" he said looking down at his shirt. "I’m a quick healer"
"I was a Nurse, just let me have a look…. please" I sniffed as a new batch of tears sprung from my eyes, he looked into my eyes for the first time since the fight and slid his shirt off letting in drop on to the floor. He sat down on a low chair so I could look him over; as I did this he began to explain - full stop
"I am truly sorry for scaring you and I will leave when I have explained if that is what you want, I should have never endangered you like this in the first place." He sighed with regret in his voice. "That was Bailey, he is a mark, a very dangerous mark, I have been tracking him for a year now. Although this is the first time he has come to me obviously intrigued by what I found so fascinating about this bar. And he found you I’m so s…"
"Lucas don’t apologise again, just tell me what you’re talking about. A mark, tracking, what do you do?" I asked gently as I cleaned the smaller cuts over his shoulders and back, my anger and fear had completely faded, replaced with concern and love, and now I was sure I loved this man.
"Oh sorry. I am a sort of bounty hunter, or at least that is the best analogy I can think of and Bailey is the reason I came to Manchester and why I first came into the bar. I had heard he was around this area and I know he likes to creep around in small bars. Then, then I met you." He sighed "I was spellbound, even after I heard he had left Manchester I stayed. It was irresponsible and reckless." He looked at me as I moved round to clean the wounds on his chest, he put his hands gently on either side of my face, I didn’t pull away I just stayed where I was and smiled at him.
After a few minutes I said "Most of your cuts are superficial but I need to finish cleaning you up." I laughed. "Oh I don’t want you to leave over this."
"I wish that was everything but unfortunately…."
"Shhh baby, I don’t need to know tonight and I will never ask you to leave, I promise." I smiled and kissed his chest. He flinched as I felt down his ribs.
"Sorry I think you’ve got a couple of cracked ribs, we should go to the hospital to get them checked out."
Lucas stiffened ‘I cannot go to the hospital.’
"Why not? You won’t have to tell them what happened, just need an x-ray and maybe to get a couple of these cuts stitched up." I replied.
"You can stitch the cuts and my ribs will heal fine." he responded quickly.
"I haven’t sutured a wound in a long time and I don’t have any anaesthetic or anything."
"I can take the pain and just use a normal needle thread." He answered.
"Lucas don’t be stupid, tell me why you won’t go to the hospital please." I responded frustrated.
He sighed again. "Okay sit down and I’ll explain." He said picking me up and placing me on the seat he was sat in as he started pacing. "The reason I cannot go to the hospital is that I am not human." I started to laugh what he was saying sounded so ridiculous. "Do not laugh I am being perfectly serious."
"What are you then if you are not human?" I asked still chuckling.
"Do you remember Bailey saying that he would love to see your face when I told you what I am? Well he meant when I told you that I am a vampire." He looked at me, looked at the disbelief in my eyes. "Do you want me to show you?" I nodded unable to speak and in a blink of the eye he was across the room behind the bar smiling at me, my mouth fell open, and then he was back kneeling in front of me.
"How, how did you do that?" I stuttered.
"It is the vampire blood, it means I can run very fast, my senses are incredibly acute, I am extremely strong and I can do this…’ He opened his mouth displaying his teeth and all of a sudden his canines grew to three times the length of normal, this was too much and I fainted.
The room was spinning as my eyes struggled to open, as the room finally came into focus I saw him standing by the window, staring out. - a little word arranging here.
"Lucas" I whispered and of course he heard me and in the blink of an eye was at my side kneeling on the floor.
"Are you okay? I am sorry I did not mean to frighten you with this, but you did insist I told you everything." He grinned at me. I tried to sit up but he caught me by the shoulder.
"Lie back for now darling, make sure you feel completely recovered." He said so tenderly staring into my eyes. "Just so you know I was contemplating telling you before this mess, Bailey just forced my hand."
"Why? You didn’t seem to want to earlier" I responded more harshly than I wished. He just smiled "I did not wish to tell you downstairs because I did not wish to scare you, which is exactly what happened, I wanted to prepare you for the shock better." He sighed and stroked my face. "And the reason I wished to tell you is because I love you Comfort, despite my better judgement I love you more than I have loved anyone before. And in my experience relationships work best when there are no big secrets." Once again that night I was speechless and for what felt like forever we simply stared in to each others eyes.
"I love you to and I am glad you went against your better judgement on this one." I laughed but he didn’t join in he just smiled and sighed. "Well I hope it was for the best and I have not dragged you to far into this dark world."


There were an increadible amount of missing full stops. I corrected them all (well i hope i did) but didn't point them all out so you'll have to look for them. Right rules for full stops.
you use them when you:
1) Finish a sentance.
2) Someone finishes speaking (You also use a capital letter when saying things like 'She sighed' after speech aswell) because it is still sentances.
3)After you right things like 'She sighed' because it is still a sentance.
I think those are the only ones you missed so you need to look back and correct them. I have also re-worded some things to make your chapter flow better. Other than that i liked it, a good story overall and i am waiting for the next chapter. Keep going!

lozzen




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The note in the beginning was so romantic. I just loved it.
I thought this chapter went a little to fast. Shouldn't Lucas tell Comfort what he was later in the next chapter, perhaps?
To me, I think Comfort should of been more upset then be lovy-dovy to Lucas. I just don't want this to be an average, romantic, vampire story.
You got the basics of a vampire and maybe you should add some of your own.
well all in all...it was pretty good. PM me when you sent the next chapter in. :wink:
-Merry



Let the wild rumpus start!
— Maurice Sendak