untitled poem

I need a title!!!!!!!!! PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE!!!!
As I walk by, past you
I notice your dirty stare.
You don't blink, your eyes water
But I am not scared and I do not care.

Watching every move I make,
noticing the details, studying my way
Can't you just leave me alone??
It's my life. I'll live it my way.

You have a problem with everything I do,
I can't see whats wrong. Please explain.
And why can you see the rest of the world?
Why should I be the one to bear all the pain?

Your evil eyes gleam in the dark. I've had enough!
I am tired of this world, tired of this place,
Tired of you hiding, step into the light.
reveal your evil face.

AS you step in to my sight, I realise
Your not a single person, you're more than one.
Oh! not just two evil eyes but a million more
Alas! I have lost and you have won.

I lost, I lost to you and now I am hollow,
No emotions inside me. Shattered into a million pieces.
I breathe but for the sake of it, like a living dead body.
All because of the evil human species.

hey guys please suggest some nice titles for this one...please please do....I thought of some like "the big question" or "tired of life". Along withyour critiques/comments I would appreciate title suggestions...thanks in advance.

To be honest, the ending of this poem seemed to harsh for the way it began. A gun comes into the picture rather randomly. If you meant this to strike so much emotion into me, it didn't. Well, at least not the emotion you were targetting. The ryhmes seemed very forced and that lowered the entire tone of the piece to me. For example:

Watching every move I make,

What do you want? Can you explain?

And those hands, as thin as rake,

Never let ryhme get in the way of real creative spirit.

Overally, it seems like you're a rather youg writer (perhaps a bit younger than 13?).
Aha, it's okay, I'm only kidding around.
You just take things too lightly here and it made me uninterested.
There isn't too much to say.
Perhaps that's why you had difficult choosing a title.
I would go back and seriously do some rewriting.
Don't be a afraid to look in a thesaurus for more interesting words or how to make your sentences more complex.
After that, let me know how it is and I'll review again.
If you need me, contact me.

fun4eva wrote:As I walk past, by the stair,
Those two eyes follow me everywhere.
I am not intimidated by that dirty stare.
No, I am not and I don't care.

I don't like how every single line in this stanza rhymes. It sounds a little...young, really.

fun4eva wrote:Watching every move I make,
What do you want? Can you explain?
And those hands, as thin as rake,
Want to cause me all the pain.

Now, you've changed the rhyming structure - first it was A, A, A, A and now it's A, B, A, B. Although this structure is a lot more pleasing, if you're going to use a rhyming structure, you should just stick to one throughout the poem.

fun4eva wrote:Everyone does it, but you can only see me,
and tell me its wrong.
You try so hard to make me weak but
It makes me all the more strong.

The second line here seems a bit too short, and breaks up the flow a bit. Also, the rhyming pattern has changed again to A, B, C, B.

fun4eva wrote:Whats this I see? You have company!
Not two, but a million more eyes glaring right at me,
You're not just one but many of them
I am a bit frightened, Maybe I am.

Now the second line of this stanza seems too long. Try to make each line roughly the same length - it doesn't have to be exact, but it flows a lot better when they sound kind of the same length. Try reading it out loud. The rhyming has changed again to A, A, B, B.

fun4eva wrote:Working slowly but affectively like a drug,
But no one cares as my tears wet the rug.
I am tired of this world, tired of this place,
Tired of your lies, Now show me your evil face.

Effectively, not affectively. Drug - rug sounded like forced rhyming. Rhyming pattern is now A, A, B, B.

fun4eva wrote:As I stand here, in a reverie of deep thought.
holding a gun in my hand,
Asking myself again and again-
Should I make the next move?
Should I let it all end?

Overall, this is okay. You need to work on your rhyming and meter a little, but apart from that, this has great potential. Keep writing!

well over all the poem was good. deffinatly need some reworking though and the rhyming is a bit "amature". the first three stanzas were good but then things got a little forced and "rough". and i deffinatly agree that the gun was a bit random and a little "uncalled" for.

see at the begining, i got the impression that maybe "you" where lookin in the mirror or a picture/portrait. then after the 3rd stanza i wasnt sure at all because it didnt really fit with the first part of your poem...it didnt feel like you were talking about the same thing anymore. at first i was like you where talking about being self judged or felt out of place, then the next thing i know "your" depressed about life and ready to kill "urself".

i didnt mean to be harsh but hope this helped. PM me if you have any quesions. just rework and like said above, dont be afraid to use "other" resources.

Happy Writting!

thank you for the help guys, I am currently working on re writing it...After I have please come back and leave your comments.
Loads of luv,
Fun4eva.

I'm impressed with the changes you have made - the rhyming scheme is a lot better now, so it's much easier to read, and a lot tidier, so well done for that. The meter is still a little off, with some lines a lot longer than others, but apart from that you should be proud of your rewrite. Well done.

well i must say, this is a lot better. more clear,and a lot more emotion is present now that things are a little more "brought together". good job!!!

This is so much better!
I absolutely love it now!
Great job, this is at your level.
I'm proud.
See what I mean?
A little bit more ffort and editing can go a long way!
Good work
*Stars

thank you tennis princess, dark star and Matt!!
Thanks a lot all of you...