Tainted Blood Ch.1 part 3

The day seemed to drag along so slowly after science. I plopped down next to Karisa at lunch. Tyler, Alexis, and Courtney were also sitting there.

I poked at my pizza, Alexis noticed. "Hey are you going to eat that pizza, if you don't I do. Pizza is my favorite food," she rubbed her stomach as she said it.

"Yes, you can have it all," I said as I slid my plate towards her.

"Thanks!"

Karisa was chatting with Courtney about a history test they had next block. They were quizzing each other; I knew the answer to all of them though. I was a freak, I had a 99 average in every class, and I never even studied. All it takes is for me to hear or see something one time and I remember it. My teachers are amazed at it.

"Alyss, what do you think is the most interesting event in history?" asked Alexis, running her fingers though her long brown hair, her blue eyes sparkling.

I thought about it. The Salem witch trials had to be it. It was an interesting topic that I had read much on. A time in history where people believed there was magic. I find it ironic that people want to believe in love and miracles, a type of magic, but when there was a chance that it might exist, they wanted to kill it off.

"The Salem witch trials", I replied.

"Oh, mine is the Enlightenment" she said.

My thoughts wandered and I finally came to rest on the subject of homecoming, again. The theme this year was Alice in Wonderland.I had my eye on a gorgeous blue dress. I coundn't wait for Homecoming to get here. I guess I would go with Derrick, he seemed the best choice. He was handsome and tall, well at least taller than me. I was hard to find a guy that height, I was 5'9. He also had a mysterious look to him. I wanted a guy that wasn't to easy to figure out...

"ALYSS", I heard someone shout. Dang! I hated it when my thoughts got interrupted. Of course it was Karisa shouting. "You are staring out into space again. I kept trying to get your attention without shouting but well..." she trailed off not wanting to make me mad twice in the same day. "Tyler wanted to ask you something." I turned to look at Tyler and I heard him mutter something under his breath.

"Well, what is it Tyler?” I ask

"Just wanted to know if you had a date for the homecoming dance and well..."

Tyler was okay but I just thought him as a close friend or a brother rather than a boyfriend. I wouldn't want to go out with him only for us to break up and it would be awkward every time we sat down for lunch. I wanted us to stay friends.

"Well, I was going to go with Derrick. I'm sorry."

"That’s fine, I guess..."he flushed a bright red and looked down at his lunch plate.

Calling Derrick would be the first thing I'd do when I got home. Who knows? Maybe this time the relationship would go somewhere. My thoughts were once again interrupted by noice, but this time I didn't mind. The next table over I heard a stuttering girl asking to sit at there table, but the girls that sat there had other ideas.

"Oh you want to sit here," a girl I think her name was Racheal asked, "You can sit here as soon as you get a life, go sit over there with the other losers."

I hated it when other people picked on someone. I had been picked on all though middle school, and it wasn't very fun. I stood up and turned.

"You can sit with us, you're too good for them, I said, glaring at them. "They are just a bunch of jealous snobs." I glared at Racheal. I would not mind beating her pretty butt to the ground.

Racheal started to say something but then stopped, she huddled with her other friends and they started talking. I didn't care, let them do their worst, what could they do to me? Beat me with their Vera Bradly bags? I laughed at the thought.

"Thanks, alot," the girl said, "My name is Rebecca, and this is my first day here."

"You're welcome, and my name is Alyss by the way." I stood up and introduced her to Karisa, Courtney, Tyler, and Alexis. She ended up sitting next to Tyler, good maybe they could get along. I picked up my bags as the next lunch bell rang, and headed towards my next class.

Finally, the dismissal bell rang for the end of school. I walked pulling the car keys out as I went. I drove home a lot slower this time; there was no need to hurry. The dirt roads had trees on both sides, the tops leaning over towards the middle, joining to make a canopy. It was beautiful scenery.

My thoughts turned towards Aralee; she had raised me as a single mom. I had never seen my father, and he had made no attempt to contact me. I wish I could say I don't care but I do. I want to know him. I wasn't like Aralee wasn't good enough; I just felt I had a connection with him. I always tell myself that it’s just silly to have a connection to a man I don't even know, but I can't lie about how I feel.

Sooner than I would have liked I pulled into my driveway. Aralee wouldn't be home until eight, I usually stayed after school longer, or went to the library but today I wanted some time to reflect and remember that night so long ago...

Hi there.
Before anything I would like to tell you, I read your two previous chapters, loved it and when you right the next one please PM me...please do!

I do not think I am very good at critiquing but there are a few things I saw hat I would like to bring to your notice.

I picked at my food, I never enjoy eating, I eat it out of pure necessity.

I think this is supposed to be:
I picked at my food, which I never enjoy eating and eat out of pure neccesity.

Dang I hated it when my thoughts got interrupted.

I think you should use an exclamation here.
Dang! I hated it when my thoughts got interrupted

"ALICE", I heard someone shout. Dang I hated it when my thoughts got interrupted. Of course it was Karisa shouting. "You are staring out into space again. I kept trying to get your attention without shouting but well..." she trailed off not wanting to make me mad twice in the same day. Tyler wanted to ask you something. I turned to look at Tyler and I heard him mutter something under his breath.

The bolded part is being said by Karisa, right? So shouldn't it be in inverted commas??

I want to know him or at least know him.

What is this supposed to mean???

Well, I guess that is it. I love the way you have told the reader about the home coming dance. It would be better if you describe the scenery or surroundings a bit more but I loved it. I am looking forward to the fourth chapter and I said earlier, please PM or inform me when you have written the next one.

Keep writing and keep up the good work.
xxxx

Hi again, Kaylyn--

Right off the bat...

The day seemed to drag along so slowly after science. I plopped down next to Karisa at lunch. Tyler, Alyssa, and Courtney were also sitting there.

We have no idea who these three people are. You're flooding us with information!

I picked at my food, I never enjoy eating, I eat it out of pure necessity.

Three complete thoughts. Separate with periods or combine them in a different way.

On a couple of occasions to mention things that have happened before--your MC spacing out, guys asking her to the dance, etc. and yet you've set no precedent for them. You might consider placing these things in the plot earlier as well, that way the reader knows they are recurring.

As with your past chapter, lots of little things--nothing a small toothed comb won't fix.

Food for thought.

--Hunter

Firstly I really like your story (I've read all the chapters so far)

Nextly the critique

I want to know him or at least know him. I wasn't like just Aralee wasn't good enough, a connection with him.

This part is a bit confusing. Especially the 'I want to know him or at least know him' it repeats itself. I would try rewording it. I think you should also take out the 'just'. I think the 'I' before wasn't was supposed to be an 'it'. The last part of the second sentence doesn't really fit with the rest of the sentence.

I would also like to know more about her friends that she sits down at the table with, you just mention their names for most of them.

Other than those two things I think it's really good, post more!

Okay I edited it, thanks ya'll for helping me out. You helped me with the mistakes I overlooked and gave me alot of help. I will let you know when I have the other chapters out. Hopefully I can finish it.

hello again 3rd post in like 15mins lol but still very good, please PM me when more is written- i really need to know what happened that night so long ago...

Courtney was a tall girl with blonde hair, we shared the same history class. I had known her since I had started high school. Alissa was short, about 5 feet, we always picked on her about her height, we had all dubbed her shorty. Tyler was 5'7 average for a guy I guess and had sandy brown hair. I had known him since Kindergarden. He had given me Abarat for my birthday

The description here is done in a very obvious (and slightly childish) way it might be better if you could somehow intergrate the description into the story for example: Courtneys blonde hair swung as she spoke- just a (bad) example

Just noticed you change how you spelt the name of your lead character differently in this chapter to your last its Alyce in this one and Alice in the 2nd

Just a couple of spelling mistakes keep going xx

Oooo, catching last line I liked it! Now this chapter was more significant compared to your last one. You had a problem, with the whole Tony thing, and your MC had to fix it. It just adds more to the whole story when you have simple little things like that in there.

I thought about it. The Salem witch trials had to be it. It was an interesting topic that I had read much on. A time in history where people believed there was magic. I find it ironic that people want to believe in love and miracles, a type of magic, but when there was a chance that it might exist, they wanted to kill it off.

Interesting though. I had never thought about the Witch Trials like that. Cool idea

My thoughts wondered and I finally came to rest on the subject of homecoming, again.

“wandered” instead of “wondered”

Tyler was okay I just thought him as a close friend or a brother rather than a boyfriend.

Really awkward and confusing sentence. I think you are missing the word “but” but I could be wrong…:?

I drove home a lot slower this time, there was no need to hurry.

Semicolon instead of a comma after “time”

My thoughts turned towards Aralee, she had raised me as a single mom.

Semicolon instead of a comma after “Aralee”

I wasn't like Aralee wasn't good enough, I just felt I had a connection with him.

Semicolon instead of a comma after “enough”
“It” instead of “I”

Now, I think you have a good story going here. I just think you might want to slow it down a bit, maybe include some more detail. At this point, I have no idea what your MC looks like and I really don’t have a clue about her personality. You have to somehow add those things in and help your MC develop.

Hope this helps!

"Well, some guys have already asked me and I was going to go with Derrick. I'm sorry."

I don't know why, but this sounds a little arrogant, almost like she's flaunting that she's being followed by adoring fanboys. Maybe you could skip the "some guys" reference and just have her say something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry, but I'm already going with Derrick."

Or something. Unless you want to give Tyler something to throw in her face later on, about how she has people following her around. I dunno, it'd be a good source of tension. But if that's not what you are going for, then I'd cut it and go with something like my rewrite.

Hmmm... We're in the third chapter now, and there isn't much happening. The great atmosphere of tenseness about the first chapter has kind of been lost by now. Where's the tenseness? *tear drop* I miss it.

Also, yet another similarity to "Twilight":Alyss not eating.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that she is the vamp in the story, but somehow doesn't know it. Like, her dad is actually a vampire and Alyss is half, thus the title "Half-Blood." But this not eating thing is kind harking back to Edward and his crew. A better way to handle the entire situation would be Alyss poking at her pizza and one of her friends asking her if she's going to eat it. She says she's not hungry and they remark that she is never hungry. It's explained through showing rather than telling. And what is "not eating until she has to." Does she have to be really starving before she eats? Does she get hungry at all? What is the extent of this "not eating" thing?

*salute* I march onwards to the fourth chapter, my captain!

~GryphonFledgling

I have edited it and added some parts into it. Hope you all like it! Thanks for the critique, the only way for it to get better is if you give my your honest opinion.

*Thought I'd critique the first chapter before I had to go for the night *

Mmkay.
The fist chapter as a whole was okay. I think you should add a little more personality to your characters. (That might just be me though)
You're description is good though. It paints a picture. There is room for more description through.
I'm guessing she's turning into a vampire though? There are quite obvious signs that she is which is good. I like where you're going with the plot.
I'm also guessing the bit about her dad will be important later. Earlier you mentioned her mother being a single mom and then you mention it again when you talk about her father. You only need it once.
I love the variation of her name. Alyss. It's pretty.
But like I said, more personality.

Oh, by the way, I liked the snob. Haha. But I think you meant "Rachael"? I don't know. The way you spelt it is how people get my name wrong all the time but if you might have meant to spell it the way you did? Sorry about mentioning that, I just found it funny because I'm the complete opposite of her.

Anyways, I like where you're going with the plot so far and I can;t wait to read more tomorrow.
Keep up the writing.

~Rachael

I poked at my pizza, Alexis noticed. "Hey are you going to eat that pizza, if you don't I do. Pizza is my favorite food," she rubbed her stomach as she said it.

????????

The Salem witch trials had to be it. "The Salem witch trials", I replied.

Idk, but wouldn't it be capitalized?

The theme this year was Alice in Wonderland.I had my eye on a gorgeous blue dress.

Forgot the space! ^_^

"Well, what is it Tyler?” I ask

Wouldn't that be 'asked'?

My thoughts were once again interrupted by noice, but this time I didn't mind.

Do you mean noise?

The next table over I heard a stuttering girl asking to sit at there table, but the girls that sat there had other ideas.

Wrong form of 'there'

"You can sit with us, you're too good for them, I said, glaring at them.

Ok, at this moment I forgot what " are called. (I feel so stupid) Anyway, that's what you're missing

Racheal started to say something but then stopped, she huddled with her other friends and they started talking.

Consider putting a period after stopped and a comma before but

I wish I could say I don't care but I do.

COMMA! (I'm sorry if this really bothers you, but wrong punctuation in stories make me go crazy!)

I like it so far!

You are a very good writer and your story is interesting, but I always get turned off to a book as soon as the cliche "never knew my father" aspect comes in.

As a child of a single mother, the stereotype always bothers me and I think it's a theme that waaaaaaaaay too many authors incorporate into books.

Ahhhh, sorry. It wont be that way for long. promise. Its just easier to have one instead of two parents I guess. I'll probaby end up fixing it along the way.