Hypocrite

Hypocrite

You know something I can't stand?
When pig-nosed hypocrites
make faces at the wide world,
stick thier tongues out,
roll thier eyes,
and rub thier chins,
and try to make
the rest of us
feel inferior.

thier: their

After reading this poem, the only thing I can ask is "So what?" So far, it only tells the *what* of hypocrites, rather than the *why* which is so much more interesting ^_^ So I ask you: "Why can't you stand this? How does it make you feel?" The personification of general, abstract hypocrites into a solid image is a good place to start, but a description by itself doesn't always tell enough.

Happy writing!

Leja wrote:After reading this poem, the only thing I can ask is "So what?" So far, it only tells the *what* of hypocrites, rather than the *why* which is so much more interesting ^_^ So I ask you: "Why can't you stand this? How does it make you feel?" The personification of general, abstract hypocrites into a solid image is a good place to start, but a description by itself doesn't always tell enough.

Happy writing!

What she says is true. When I read this, I think "Am I supposed to care?"

Make me care!

Nice structure, though!

RandomGrrl wrote:Hypocrite

You know something I can't stand?
When pig-nosed hypocrites
make faces at the wide world,
stick thier tongues out,
roll thier eyes,
and rub thier chins,
and try to make
the rest of us
feel inferior.

Nice idea, but it seems to be lacking in substance. Expand more on your ideas. Describe a hypocrite more intricatly. How are the "pig noses" like, do they snort? How do you feel inferior because of hypocrites? Re-read this poem again and pretend to be a reader this time and write down all the questions that you want the poem to "answer". like, "How do they rub their chins?" When you are done re write the poem answering all those questions.

This would be so much better if you only worked at it more. I want to see what you are driving at here. If you added in your emotions aboutt he hyprocrites or what happened to make you write this poem. Is it love, friends, family, etc.? If there was more, i would probably want o keep on reading it no matter how long it would be. Try working on it and om me when you do!

hi randomgrrl,

i feel there are quite a few points you need to work on......

incorrect spellings really put a bad expression on your reader n also lowers his interest in your work..so you should be a bit more careful with that

when you read the poem ,,,,u once feel that it is incomplete.....
you can definitely elaborate on your poem n complete this pretty nice piece of work

there's one thing that i personally feel.It is that when you pen down some work....u should try n relate your reader with it....so that he can feel n experience what you are, at that time.....

i really hope i am not being too harsh at your work n definitely don't mean to hurt you personally.......
once u improve on your weak points,i am sure ,you'll be a wonderful writer

Hey RandomGrrl! I believe we've met before haha.

RandomGrrl wrote:Hypocrite

You know something I can't stand?
When pig-nosed hypocrites
make faces at the wide world,
stick thier tongues out,
roll thier eyes,
and rub thier chins,
and try to make
the rest of us
feel inferior.

I really liked the ending of this poem. And also the beginning.
Starting out with a question is a always a good hook because Yes, I want to know what you can't stand! What really ticks you off! So, I'm gonna keep reading.
I also got some great visuals from you (especially the sticking out tongue part hahaha).

An interesting poem that combines humor and anger.
I'd like a little more depth to it so maybe you'll go back to it in a couple billion years and say Hey, this has potential!
hahaha,
Thanks, Tamara.

If you have any comments or questions or just wanna chat feel free to contact me!