Deleted.

I liked it, Merry. However, I found it kind of hard to follow at some parts for some reason…I think it was your pace. You moved pretty fast through some of the more important things and than slowed down at the kind of unimportant things. You might need to reverse that

But more of that later…

Always reading and listening to smooth jazz coming from the small radio of the black bookcase.

Kind of a random thought here throughout you whole first paragraph. Here’s something that you could add to, slip in some details, expand it…stuff like that.

He looked confused in the face but he as in every human looked me in the eyes. I knew he would fall for it.

The first sentence is kind of awkward. Try something like: He had a confused expression clouding his face, but I knew that he was as weak as ever other human, that he would fall for it. Or something like that.

I pulled my blue eyes away and I felt my fangs. I glided my tongue across my fangs and I knew that my eyes were blood red.

Another thing I noticed is that you use “I” too much. I mean, you don’t always have to have “I” before something to describe who is doing it. Like so with the above sentences: …blue eyes away and felt my fangs. Gliding my tongue across my fangs, I knew that my eyes were blood red. See the difference?

And that’s it for individuals.

Besides the pace, I thought you did good with the whole thing overall. But I do think that you need to give us some more insight of her “human boyfriend”. I can’t really picture him yet.

Also, the ending where she meets that handsome human, try to give us some of her thoughts on that. Does he remind her of her last “human boyfriend”? Or is she interested? Stuff like that.

Otherwise, keep up the good work and I look forward for the next installment!

Thanks for PMing me on posting this piece & again I enjoyed it! Here are my critiques, I hope it helps ....

The library showed [s]it's[/s] its age

This place, sometimes, felt like heaven without the annoyance of Riley and Lily's dramas. Always reading and listening to smooth jazz coming from the small radio of the black bookcase

Right, the last sentence here sounds a bit random and out of place. Try rephrasing the sentence so it links up the other one. Something like: I always liked to read and listen to the smooth jazz music coming from the small radio on the black bookcase (but a bit better put!)

Those soft jazzy tunes passed by when the clock struck nine at night

This sentence confuses me slightly

She giggled with me giving her a sisterly hug

This doesn't make sense either. Try something like: She giggled lightly to herself and I lent over to give her a sisterly hug [and some kind of emotion e.g smiling slightly]

The private nightclub I've been

I was a regular and knew several people and this was the place I met Cain, two years ago. I was twenty-one then and now I'm twenty-three

There are alot of and's in the first sentence, so it sounds like your making a list, either try to have sentence without one of the and's or break them up?
The last sentence sounds really informative, try to make it more casual. Something like: Three years have passed since that [unforgettable?] moment [and some thought about Cain or the nightclub? Does it seem different without his presence etc?]

I noticed some band playing those soft jazzy tunes

You've used this already earlier on in the library scene. Maybe you could link the tunes to that moment so as not to sound repetitive?

Yet those times of my life was two years ago and especially with Cain

The ending to this sentence seems a bit awkward

Rolling my blue eyes [s]of[/s] with annoyance, I slid through the people and made it to him

Right 'the people' bit could be used as an opportunity to set the scene of the nightclub a bit more? Eg, what are these people doing? Dancing, talking...?
And maybe you could add a description of 'him'? Why was she drawn specifically to him?

I pulled the beer out of his grasp and placed it down on the floor. When I pulled myself up [s]he[/s] his [muscular?] body looked stiff.

The taste felt so good as it ran down my throat.

I took his hand and shook it. His touch was warm and rough.

Loving this description!!

His voice was to die foor and so [s]was[/s] were his gorgeous looks.

Overall Comment
I really liked this & I was pleased when I heard you'd posted another chapter to this (so thanks for PMing me!!) & I'm really interested in the story (:
I loved how this chapter focused on the hunting side of her & how it's looking more into her vampire senses. I loved getting to know the MC a bit more.

But ... this chapter doesn't let us have an insight into her thoughts all the time I think we need to be feeling more towards the MC during this chapter, so adding more of her thoughts & feelings would be great (I know, they're so annoying!! ) & also I'd love to get a better description of her victim & what her feelings are towards this human Raylen?
& finally I also felt that the beginning was a little rushed. Why was she in the library? What brought her to that place? What was she thinking whilst she was relaxing in the library? & how does she feel at the prospect of going hunting? & what were her thoughts of her sisters' absences on this hunting trip?

Apart from those small things it was really good & I can't wait for the next installment!!
I hope this was helpful & not too harsh (:
Lucyy xx