Young Writers Society


Lesser of Two Evils

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My first story posting in a long time--saw the vampire contest and couldn't resist XD
This is actually the second story I worked on for this contest, because the first one was turning out to be way too long--oh well haha
Now if microsoft word will kindly stop freezing up on me...

Lesser of Two Evils

The body dropped with a sickening splat inside the plastic bag that contained it, conjuring up the most unpleasant recent memories Cadel Lorens had ever had the misfortune to remember.
“There, little brother.” The young woman ran her hand down the length of her glove briefly as though checking for stains, fixing the much older man she was addressing with such a stare from her cold, teal-grey eyes that Cadel was suddenly and fiercely glad he wasn’t in his shoes. “Next time you send me out after one of these fools,” she spat, “Make sure you don’t put him all over the goddamn news.” She turned on her heel, adding with a growl, “You get to come up with the explanation for this one. I’m out.”
“It wasn’t my idea, big sister,” Cadel’s boss protested, running a hand through his graying hair. “That was just a fluke—he got to too many people and someone noticed.”
She turned back around and nodded toward Cadel, who barely stopped himself from jumping. “And him? Whose idea was that, pray? You know I hate to have to wipe your people, so putting—what?”
His boss winced; she’d seen his glance toward Cadel and correctly interpreted it. “Actually, that whole thing was… not quite what I intended, but at least…”
Her eyes, cold and clear and precise, stared over at his out of a slim face as expressionless as stone. “At least… what?
Cadel’s boss sighed, leaning heavily on his desk. “At least he knows. I don’t want you to wipe this one, big sister. I’m not getting any younger, and as long as this leakage hasn’t stopped you’ll need someone here.”
The eyes narrowed. “Forget it. For now, all I need is to know how much he saw.” Her gaze slid away from his boss and locked on Cadel’s; he found himself frozen in place, held captive, while something that felt, sounded, tasted of the dangerous beauty and exotic grace that was this young woman seemed to brush across his mind—and the unpleasant memories resurfaced, this time as though he relived them.

*******

Cadel Lorens was soaking wet.
Cadel Lorens was furious. Cadel Lorens… was tied up, humiliated, fuming, and, as his best friend would have put it, shit-outa-luck.
Oddly, he wasn’t alone. He was beginning to suspect that the girl tied up beside him had been the real target, and his own capture had simply been a solution to the problem he had presented by trying so hard to get himself taken instead. Unfortunately, knowing that didn’t help either of them any.
He worked carefully at the bonds at his wrists, trying to loosen them without making any noise, but they were proving stubbornly well-tied; craning his neck to squint at the girl, he saw she was still unconscious, her lovely face mud-splashed with hair plastered to it over the bare arms it leaned on. The poor girl could never have known what sort of trouble her late-night walk would get her into, else she never would have left home.
He shook his head, eyeing her for a moment. Even if she did watch the news, the mark Cadel was after took both male and female indiscriminately—it wasn’t like she could have immediately figured out that she was a likely target… although perhaps if her jeans weren’t so tight over those long, shapely legs and her top didn’t show so much of her perfect contours, she might have stood more of a chance of being ignored.
He hoped they would both live long enough for him to find out who she was. Those long eyelashes and that soft brown hair—now in wet disarray, but reaching far past her waist—was tantalizing even under the current circumstances… and heartbreaking, when those circumstances were truly realized.
For a brief moment, triumph surged through him as he thought he felt his bonds loosen, but right then the door to their prison opened.
Great. Well, he still had his gun—that was something.
If he could get to it.
Their captor crossed the dark room, his tall, broad-shouldered figure silhouetted for a short second in the light from the open door before he closed it, just enough time for Cadel to size him up. If it came to a fight… the other man was at least a match in strength, though probably lacking the training Cadel had mastered in his years on the police force.
Of course, their captor could have written the book on psychotic, primal behavior, so… in short, he was dangerous.
Cadel watched as his mark went to what looked like the worktable from hell and horror films, switching on a low lamp to reveal a set of wicked-looking blades, all lined up with obsessive precision.
Dangerous and armed. He worked at his bonds silently, keeping an eye on the other man as he lined up his “workspace,” no doubt preparing it for one or both of them. The pictures he’d seen of the previous victims were enough to convince him that he had found the right guy, and that those blades were the implements used in their torture and deaths.

*******

“Interesting,” her voice said softly, sounding amused. “An aptitude, it would seem. He can feel it.”
Cadel shook his head, freeing himself from her gaze. That was one of the more bizarre things he’d experienced in his life. He looked at his boss, questioning, but the older man wasn’t paying any attention to him.
“There, you see?” his boss was saying to her. “All the more reason.”
She glanced at his boss, then back at Cadel, one eyebrow lifting delicately in his direction as she ran a hand along the hilt of one of her swords. He looked her over in turn, taking in the close-fitting black outfit complete with tall leather boots, the twin swords hanging from the belt slung across her hips, the bandolier of knives across her chest, what looked like near a hundred more scattered about her person—she and the rest of the room, the office lamp by her elbow and the coat-rack just beyond her shoulder, made for an odd juxtaposition of day-by-day reality and beautiful, frightening imagination; just at that moment, Cadel wasn’t certain which he preferred.
“No,” she said flatly, jarring him out of his analysis. “And I’m not finished.”

*******

Their captor faced the two bound to the wall, a frown visible on his face in the light from the lamp. He looked from one to the other as though genuinely puzzled, tapping the blade of a long scalpel gently against the side of the worktable, thinking.
Cadel stiffened as the frown turned to hunger and then to satisfaction, his captor’s eyes looking over the girl thoughtfully.
The situation was about to spiral dangerously out of control, and Cadel was still tied hand and foot to the goddamn wall.
The girl stirred; Cadel cursed under his breath, twisting in his ties, watching her out of the corner of his eye. Their captor watched her as well, the pleasant smile on his face contrasting unsettlingly with the predatory gleam in his eyes as she lifted her head slowly, her slim arms flexing as she tried to lower them against her bonds.
That was when her eyes opened; she looked about herself groggily, pulling weakly as she realized she was tied, but the crack she’d been given across the head was still taking its toll.
The mark chuckled, turning away to continue his preparations. Cadel leaned over, nudging the girl gently, whispering, “Are you alright?”
She jumped into wakefulness at the sound of his voice, her eyes large and frightened as they darted from him to their captor, then to the worktable where the implements were laid out, catching the dim light of the lamp.
Cadel twisted so she could see the badge pinned inside his jacket, speaking quietly to calm her. “It’s alright—I’m a police officer,” he told her, edging himself closer along the wall until he was supporting some of her weight against his side, easing the pain of her bonds. “We’ll get you out of here as soon as possible, miss, I promise.”
“What’s going on?” she whispered back, kicking uselessly at the ties about her ankles, her voice bordering on panic.
Cadel shook his head, uncertain how to explain and reasonably sure she’d figure it out on her own given the chance.
Uncertain how to explain that I’m an undercover officer who managed to get himself captured by the serial killer he was supposed to be trailing, to be specific, he thought glumly, glancing at said serial killer, who had already claimed over twenty victims, all of them seemingly unconnected.
“Oh,” her small voice said by his shoulder. “Shit.”

*******

“What exactly did you do?” his boss asked, nudging the plastic body bag dubiously with the toe of his immaculate shoe.
She grinned, a slow, wicked grin that showed a good deal of her brilliant teeth. “He took a really, really long time to die, little brother. I find he looks a bit like one of his victims now—or two, or maybe three.”
“Uh huh. So was he…?”
“No. Possibly influenced, possibly even exposed, but certainly not of mine—just your ordinary, every-day psychotic serial killer.”

*******

“You’re the one who’s been on the news, aren’t you?” she asked their captor quietly, soft lips trembling. “The one who’s tortured and killed so many innocent people…?”
The blade of the scalpel scraped audibly across her cheek as the man seemed to contemplate her question, tapping the flat of the blade once against her lips before he turned away.
“Yes,” he answered cheerfully, his back to them. “Yes, I am; I think you’ll find the experience to be rather enlightening.”
A look at the girl had Cadel suddenly filled with a very bad feeling, unconsciously sliding away from her and finding as he did so that she didn’t need his support.
Gone was the frightened demeanor and the panic in her eyes, the feeble tugging at the bonds; the darkness seemed to take on its own tangible, ubiquitous presence, twining about her in the shadows like a beloved pet.
“Oh, good,” she said softly, cold, intense teal-grey eyes slowly turning to gleaming gold, red cat-slitted pupils focusing on their captor. “I had so hoped to meet you tonight.”
He turned; whatever he was to say died on his lips as he caught sight of her teeth, visibly long and pointed canines reflecting the bone-white of death from the shadows.
The living darkness seemed to purr with feline pleasure as she cocked her head to the side, never taking her gaze from their captor, languidly stretching out the muscles of her neck and allowing him a clear view of the two deep puncture scars in her flesh.
As Cadel stared, he realized the jeans and tiny top had disappeared, replaced by an outfit of black that was all but lost in the darkness that surrounded her—but their captor had other things to think about. In one hand he gripped the scalpel; with the other, he felt for the handle of the door behind his back, but it seemed to be locked—from the outside.
He made the mistake of taking his eyes off the girl—in one silent motion she was behind him, the darkness following eagerly in her wake to muffle his cries as her teeth found his throat and drank deep, but even then… he was not yet to die.
His scalpel slashed frantically across her skin more than once, but the wound merely turned to ash and flaked away, leaving the flesh as smooth as though untouched; Cadel looked away, shutting out his ears as the vampiress took up the first of their would-be captor’s scalpels, and the screams began in earnest… and the darkness purred like a cat before the hearth fire.

*******

“Very well,” she was saying as she finally released Cadel from his unpleasant memories, “But not him.”
Cadel blinked. What the hell…?
His boss, the chief of police, looked confused. “Why not him?”
“I shall put it simply, little brother,” she said patiently. “You are my own blood, but if you had seen half of what he saw you wouldn’t trust me either—and you know what I am. And it has to be a woman, little brother. I can’t work with men; they break too easily and they always fall for me.” Her hands reached across to touch Cadel’s forehead, her eyes framed by long, dark lashes meeting his, and he found he knew exactly what she was talking about with that last statement. “In case you’ve forgotten,” she added dryly to her brother, “I’m married—and immortal.”
Something, what could only be described as a sort of luminescent darkness, danced briefly before Cadel’s eyes; then she removed her hands from him—he wasn’t sure whether he should be relieved or disappointed—and turned to go.
“When he leaves this office, his memories will be replaced by others which will confirm whatever story you tell to cover this up,” she said shortly. “Have fun, little brother.”
“Could you at least send this down to—” his boss began, but stopped as the body bag vanished from the floor. “Thanks.”
The young woman was gone; Cadel looked from the now empty spot on the floor and back to his boss, then out the door through which the woman had seemed to disappear without ever stepping through it, trying to collect his scattered thoughts.
His boss merely nodded toward the door. “Back to work, Lorens.”
Cadel remembered the young woman’s words and looked suspiciously at the door, saying slowly, “I’m not entirely certain that’s something I want to do, Chief.”
The older man sighed. “I’ll tell you what you don’t want to do—my sister is incidentally the now-forsaken Goddess of warriors on her world, Lorens, having lost favor by choosing the warped life she now lives over dying as a mortal; you don’t want to force me to call her back here. I’m sure you saw what she is capable of when you were both taken by the one I sent her after.”
A tense pause fell as the younger man turned this over in his mind, but he couldn’t suppress a parting word.
“So you sent one psychotic killer after another,” Cadel said flatly, forgetting the beauty of the vampiress and remembering what she had done, as he walked over to the door of the office. “What’s the difference between the two?”
“You would have found that my sister’s form of justice is infinitely less horrifying than the prospect of allowing such people to prey on the innocent—especially when the real evils of her world leak over into this one. Off you go.”
His mind flashing back to the broken and mutilated corpse of the former serial killer as he stepped out of the small office, Cadel had just enough time—before it vanished from his memories as though erased, wiped clean by an invisible hand—to wonder darkly if his boss had in fact chosen the lesser of the two evils.
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




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Sworddance,

Oooh, vampires! You should have me hooked for that reason alone, lol, since I’ve been nursing an obsession for quite some time. Rubs hands together*


Quote:
The body dropped with a sickening splat inside the plastic bag that contained it, conjuring up the most unpleasant recent memories Cadel Lorens had ever had the misfortune to remember.

Okay, generally nice sentence, I think, but it kind of doesn’t work as an opening sentence, at least as it is now. I mean, as a sentence I like it, “sickening splats” rule. So kudos on description. *steals phrase. Or no, maybe it is okay, but change the next paragraph so there’s more harmony among these two (see, Cadel Lorens seems to just be floating around, when placed next to that paragraph. Either Cadel, or the woman, or both. Floating. Hmmm. Give one of them a steady place? One of the would do). Also, the first part seems a bit awkward, because it dropped into something that contained it - already was containing it, so why the dropping? The action could last very long, would be extra short. Adding “would” would help, but then it would sound queer. Hmm. “recent memories” - awkward. But, love “sickening splat”, my.


Quote:
The young woman ran her hand down the length of her glove briefly as though checking for stains, fixing the much older man she was addressing with such a stare from her cold, teal-grey eyes that Cadel was suddenly and fiercely glad he wasn’t in his shoes.

Long sentence, but that’s fine, since I’m all for long sentences. But, consider a little rephrasing? “briefly” looks like it’s in the wrong place. After “woman”? I think it would be better for “briefly” to be there. “suddenly and fiercely” - cut the linking word. Next sentence (not quoted, since it’s a detail): “make” in minors, because in the tag before there was a comma. If it was a period (but it can’t be, not in this situation) it could have been as it is now.


Quote:
Whose idea was that, pray?

Niiice. I like her.


Quote:
Her gaze slid away from his boss and locked on Cadel’s;

She’s a she., not a he. Now, I know it’s Cadel’s boss, and that you wanted it to be him, there, but it sounds very, very awkward as it is right now, just like the sentence you are now reading. Consider rephrasing.


Quote:
he found himself frozen in place, held captive, while something that felt, sounded, tasted of the dangerous beauty and exotic grace that was this young woman seemed to brush across his mind—and the unpleasant memories resurfaced, this time as though he relived them.[/b]
“and tasted”. Cool start of next section.


Quote:
Unfortunately, knowing that didn’t help either of them any.

Simplify that, really.


Quote:
He worked carefully at the bonds at his wrists, trying to loosen them without making any noise, but they were proving stubbornly well-tied;

I’d like more specifics on the noise he could make. Hmm. Grunts? Because tries of untying himself could make noise? Er, yea, I seem to lack the imagination here.


Quote:
her lovely face mud-splashed with hair plastered to it over the bare arms it leaned on.

I don’t like the “it’s a face that leans on her bare arm”. A face leaning on something… I don’t like it.


Quote:
He shook his head, eyeing her for a moment.

He’s no eyeing for a moment. He’s goggling. He noticed that she has a lovely mud-splashed with hair plastered to it face, and that face leaned on bare arms. Arms? Arm. Hmm. Not arms. I mean, he could have noticed that previously, in a scene not shown to us readers, but it’s clear that he’s examining (and was in the previous paragraph) her. Reading downward, and while this doesn’t necessarily refer to the eyeing, since he might as well stopped eyeing and started to muse, he can’t have just eyed. Unless, of course, the situation just mentioned occurred. In other words, I don’t like the: :eyeing her for a moment:.


Quote:
Their captor crossed the dark room, his tall, broad-shouldered figure silhouetted for a short second in the light from the open door before he closed it

Too long an interruption. Sounds awkward, with that “in the light from the open door”. It drags the sentence, makes us forget how it started, and forces us to reread it again, and then again once more.


Quote:
He looked her over in turn, taking in the close-fitting black outfit complete with tall leather boots, the twin swords hanging from the belt slung across her hips, the bandolier of knives across her chest, what looked like near a hundred more scattered about her person—she and the rest of the room, the office lamp by her elbow and the coat-rack just beyond her shoulder, made for an odd juxtaposition of day-by-day reality and beautiful, frightening imagination; just at that moment, Cadel wasn’t certain which he preferred.

I told you I’m okay with long sentences. But this is one is just wayyy to long. Cut it up. It might hurt, but it has to be done. it’s just too… maze-like.


Quote:
Of course, their captor could have written the book on psychotic, primal behavior, so…

Last paragraph started with: “their captor”. Yes, I know, a trifle, but still.


Quote:
Cadel stiffened as the frown turned to hunger and then to satisfaction, his captor’s eyes looking over the girl thoughtfully.

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe it is, really. But his face is split in two halves. The upper one is thoughtful, the lower is first frowning, then full of hunger and lastly of satisfaction. And he’s all the time thoughtful. Hmm. Or maybe I’m just exaggerating, but it did strike me as a bit odd. A bit down he has a pleasant smile - where did that come from? I didn’t seeee that. I’m just duly informed hat it is there.

Quote:
The mark chuckled, turning away to continue his preparations.

Show us that. What’s he doing. Perhaps vaguely, but still. Or show us what Cadel might see, or something like that. I know there was a short passage of this in the previous section concerning Cadel and the girl together, but still.


Quote:
“Oh, good,” she said softly, cold, intense teal-grey eyes slowly turning to gleaming gold, red cat-slitted pupils focusing on their captor. “I had so hoped to meet you tonight.”

Ooo.


Quote:
Something, what could only be described as a sort of luminescent darkness, danced briefly before Cadel’s eyes;

No comma.


Quote:
Cadel looked from the now empty spot on the floor and back to his boss, then out the door through which the woman had seemed to disappear without ever stepping through it, trying to collect his scattered thoughts.

Last part should definitely be a separate sentence. I struggled to connect it to the beginning, because of the long interference.


Quote:
I’ll tell you what you don’t want to do—my sister is incidentally the now-forsaken Goddess of warriors on her world, Lorens, having lost favor by choosing the warped life she now lives over dying as a mortal; you don’t want to force me to call her back here.

Nice, but cut the fancy semicolon and use a period.


Quote:
Cadel said flatly, forgetting the beauty of the vampiress and remembering what she had done, as he walked over to the door of the office.

Awkward because of the part after the last comma. It draaaaaags behind.


Quote:
That was one of the more bizarre things he’d experienced in his life.

Yeah, yeah, out of order, but I found this when skimming through your story again. I don’t like “that”. I just don’t. I don’t like the start.


***

That. Was. Absolutely. Fantastic. Almost. But still, excellent. And no one has critiqued this yet?

Anyway, comments.



Scenes, details.


-> Second section. First thing that came to my mind: They left him a gun??? He left him a gone? A serial killer just left his prey his gun? And, and, after: “(…) implements used in their torture and deaths.” add something. Don’t ask me what. Something short. It would just look better with that little sentence, though it’d depend on what that little sentence would be. Hmm. Or not? I mean, it’s okay as it is. Something… witty? Hmm.

-> First section. I didn’t understand anything. But then I did. So, it’s fine^^.

-> Sweet girl turns into the vampiress. I’d like too see more of the killer’s reaction. For now there’s too little for my taste. Shock? Or something like that.

-> We know why Cadel is in the situation that he is, excellent. But do slip in, perhaps, somewhere, how? How their captor actually captured them? I mean, maybe it’s not necessary necessary, but it’d be a nice detail. In a sentence or two.


Characters:


-> Cadel’s boss. That is how he is usually referred to. Okay, don’t give him a name. He’s fine without one. He’s fine a “little brother”. He is. But this mini-rant is the product of the very first section, where I saw too many “Cadel’s boss”.

Actually, I liked his character. I’m okay with the lack of description, but I’d like to see more vague commentary. I don’t know - perhaps he’s tired, or something like that. A reaction to his sister? To Cadel?

-> The Evil Killer. Hmm. I’d like to see him more afraid when the girl turned to a vampiress, and a bit more of his “preparations”.

-> The “big sister”. Loved her, that is all I have to say, though perhaps extend that transformation of hers?

-> Cadel. We know who he is, we know how he ended up where he was. I’d like to perhaps semi-see the how they were caught (him and the “girl”) - make him think about it in a sentence or two? Consider.

More surprise at all these paranormal events? Slightly more? At the “girl’s” transformation, at his boss’s short info? I know he’ll forget it, but still. It’s not for him, but for us, for the readers. (I’m thinking that this all is not normal in their world, with all the secrecy).


One more comment.
There was something that I didn’t like. “Lesser of two evils” - that felt, well, forced. I just couldn’t see Cadel being in a (or getting into? I don’t know) a fuss about his boss calling his sister. That actually, to me, came a bit out of the blue. Morals. I didn’t see that in him. I don’t understand him. I don’t understand. I might not like, but I should understand the character, no?

He might have witnessed what she did to the killer, but we didn’t - not enough for us to back (us - me) him up. Me, I see the killers victims.

He doesn’t? I understand my view is not everyone’s. But take into consideration that there might be an audience that thinks differently, so I think you need to. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it if it weren’t for the title, lol.

So maybe make him think of what she does to the killer in that last section? Might help. I'd want to see something like that. With that I'd live with it, perhaps^^



Ending notes:
Again, I loved this. It was excellently written, and the plot really well-thought of, on more than one level. The ending disappointed me a bit because of the already mentioned, but-

Awesome. Brilliant. You get a star from me.


Thanks for posting,
Esme




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Esme I could hug you XD Thanks for taking the time to pick this apart--it was pretty hastily written and I think you hit dead-on a couple of the things about it that were bothering me. I just couldn't put my finger on them. I'm not allowed to edit it right now because of the contest, but in the original document I'll be working on it and I hope you'll take a second look if I tweak it in the post once judging is over :D
But yeah, you're definitely right particularly where you said I didn't tell the reader how the heck they ended up taken in the first place... I might throw in something about that in the first flashback, where he says he tried so hard to get captured instead, or something like that. And what you said about the ending in particular as well--it was rather forced =/ thank you for figuratively slapping me about it--I deserved it XD
I do have a question for you, by the way, if you don't mind--did you get the impression by the end of the story that the girl, the big sister, intended to be caught? Because if not, I have a sort of contradiction of impressions, I think--on the one hand, she's obviously quite capable of defending herself and doesn't have to worry about witnesses, yet on the other she's getting herself knocked over the head and captured... Her intention is supposed to be inferred, but I was wondering if maybe I should have made that clearer.

Anyways, thanks so much XD *hug*
Drummer, beat, and dancer, fly
The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------




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Gender Female
Points 14170
Reviews 571
Sworddance,

Again, that was an absolutely fantastic story, and I think one of my favorites on this site, and I’ve read a lot of amazing thing here : )

As to the girl - no, I don’t think she ended up there accidentally. I think she wanted to be caught. Why else would she be caught? (But then, why didn’t she just end it there? Hmm…). No, but she wanted to be there. Didn’t she?

PM me as soon as you edit whatever you think is necessary, and good luck in the contest!

Cheers,
Esme




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Points 1075
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Sworddance, this was brilliant. No lie. I loved every minute of it. I see that Esme got here before me but I guess I still have a few things to point out.

Like your use of long sentences. Heres a few quoted below:

Her gaze slid away from his boss and locked on Cadel’s; he found himself frozen in place, held captive, while something that felt, sounded, tasted of the dangerous beauty and exotic grace that was this young woman seemed to brush across his mind—and the unpleasant memories resurfaced, this time as though he relived them.


Whoa, hold up. This was a lot of info to give to the reader in one entire sentence. My first piece of advise with this would be to change the semicolon to a period and start a new sentecne there. Then, for the second, I would go with something like this: He found himself frozen in place, held captive by the dangerous beauty and exotic grace that was the young woman; something seemed to brush across his mind, something that felt and tasted like her, and it made the unpleasant memories resurface, forcing him to relive them agian. Or something like that. It is still kind of long so experiment with it and you'll come up with a nicer one than I did. XD

He worked carefully at the bonds at his wrists, trying to loosen them without making any noise, but they were proving stubbornly well-tied; craning his neck to squint at the girl, he saw she was still unconscious, her lovely face mud-splashed with hair plastered to it over the bare arms it leaned on.


This is a simple one to fix. Just replace the semicolon with a period and you're good :wink:

Even if she did watch the news, the mark Cadel was after took both male and female indiscriminately—it wasn’t like she could have immediately figured out that she was a likely target… although perhaps if her jeans weren’t so tight over those long, shapely legs and her top didn’t show so much of her perfect contours, she might have stood more of a chance of being ignored.


Okay, this is both long and confusing. Towards the end of your story, I finally figured out what "mark" you were talking about. I would try to make that clearer in the beginning. As for the long length of this...I would just try to break it up. Make new sentences. Stuff like that.

He looked her over in turn, taking in the close-fitting black outfit complete with tall leather boots, the twin swords hanging from the belt slung across her hips, the bandolier of knives across her chest, what looked like near a hundred more scattered about her person—she and the rest of the room, the office lamp by her elbow and the coat-rack just beyond her shoulder, made for an odd juxtaposition of day-by-day reality and beautiful, frightening imagination; just at that moment, Cadel wasn’t certain which he preferred.


This one made me smile. Seriously. It was so long, it could be its own paragraph...but it is only one sentence. I would just cross out the dash you have in there, end the sentence before it and start a new one with "She and the rest of the room..." If that is still too long, just keep cutting them up until you have it just perfect.

His scalpel slashed frantically across her skin more than once, but the wound merely turned to ash and flaked away, leaving the flesh as smooth as though untouched; Cadel looked away, shutting out his ears as the vampiress took up the first of their would-be captor’s scalpels, and the screams began in earnest… and the darkness purred like a cat before the hearth fire.


Change the semicolon to a period and you're good with the length.
And I must praise you on the description on her cuts turning to ash. So unique! Bravo to you! :D

His mind flashing back to the broken and mutilated corpse of the former serial killer as he stepped out of the small office, Cadel had just enough time—before it vanished from his memories as though erased, wiped clean by an invisible hand—to wonder darkly if his boss had in fact chosen the lesser of the two evils.


Beautiful ending. Just beautiful. But this is another long sentence. I think this one you could overlook, however. I know, I have a little thing about long sentences and fixing them, but you might be able to get away with this one. I don't know...I guess it's up to you.

Now, I did notice two other things as well:

The body dropped with a sickening splat inside the plastic bag that contained it, conjuring up the most unpleasant recent memories Cadel Lorens had ever had the misfortune to remember.


Wow. What a starter. I really enjoyed it. But I do think you have a lot going on. I mean, my brain starting to work on overload, coming up with all these senarios. I would just give us a little more here. Just to help us out :wink:

Her eyes, cold and clear and precise, stared over at his out of a slim face as expressionless as stone.


Umm...I'm not sure what you are trying to say here. Very confusing. I think you are trying to say something like: Her eyes--cold, clear, and precise--stared over at his slim face as expressionless as stone. but you have that "his of a" in there, and I'm not sure if you are missing a word or what...

Besides that, I thought this was wonderful. But do be careful of a few things;

1. The vampiress. We don't figure out who she is until the part when Candel sees her murder the serial killer. I like how you made her seem weak and everthing. But with her transformation, you kind of lost me. How did she change clothes? How did the binds just magically disappear?? Stuff like that needs to be cleared up.

2. Candel. He's a good character but you don't give us enough info to really grow attatched to him. I mean, it's just like he is just there, you know? Just try to make him a more personal character.

3. The whole beginning. It was slightly confusing. I think that's just because you jumped right into the story, but try to slip the reader some hints about the vampriess and her boss, even if Candel doesn't know it.

Other than that, Good job! :D
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The body dropped with a sickening splat inside the plastic bag that contained it, conjuring up the most unpleasant recent memories Cadel Lorens had ever had the misfortune to remember.

Some slight redundancy at the end, there.


“There, little brother.” The young woman ran her hand down the length of her glove briefly as though checking for stains, fixing the much older man she was addressing with such a stare from her cold, teal-grey eyes that Cadel was suddenly and fiercely glad he wasn’t in his shoes.

Whew! Now that's a run-on! Also, what young woman? You haven't introduced her to us, yet, but the way you've introduced her here makes us feel as though we should already have known she was there.


these fools,” she spat, “Make sure

Lowercase "m."


adding with a growl, “You get to

Lowercase "y."


His boss winced; she’d seen his glance toward Cadel and correctly interpreted it.

I'd say "the old man" or some other descriptor, if you're not going to give this guy a name.


“Actually, that whole thing was… not quite what I intended, but at least…”

Remove that first ellipsis.


“At least… what?”

Get rid of this one, too.


“At least he knows. I don’t want you to wipe this one, big sister. I’m not getting any younger, and as long as this leakage hasn’t stopped you’ll need someone here.”

Do they actually call each other "little brother" and "big sister?" That seems awkwardly formal. Can't they just call each other by name?


Her gaze slid away from his boss and locked on Cadel’s; he found himself frozen in place, held captive, while something that felt, sounded, tasted of the dangerous beauty and exotic grace that was this young woman seemed to brush across his mind—and the unpleasant memories resurfaced, this time as though he relived them.

Another run-on.


Cadel Lorens was furious. Cadel Lorens… was tied up, humiliated, fuming, and, as his best friend would have put it, shit-outa-luck.

I know you're going for repetition, here, but it's not working. Eliminate. Also, lose the ellipsis.


He worked carefully at the bonds at his wrists, trying to loosen them without making any noise, but they were proving stubbornly well-tied; craning his neck to squint at the girl, he saw she was still unconscious, her lovely face mud-splashed with hair plastered to it over the bare arms it leaned on.

Ditch the semicolon and make two setntences. Also, that last part after the final comma is really, really awkward.


He shook his head, eyeing her for a moment.

Hasn't he been looking at her this whole time?


it wasn’t like she could have immediately figured out that she was a likely target… although perhaps if her jeans weren’t so tight over those long, shapely legs and her top didn’t show so much of her perfect contours, she might have stood more of a chance of being ignored.

Lose the ellipsis and make another sentence. I do like that last line, though. Amusing and practical.


Those long eyelashes and that soft brown hair—now in wet disarray, but reaching far past her waist—was tantalizing even under the current circumstances… and heartbreaking, when those circumstances were truly realized.

Ellipses are the devil. I hate them.


If it came to a fight… the other man was at least a match in strength, though probably lacking the training Cadel had mastered in his years on the police force.

This explains a few things. Lose the ellipsis.


Of course, their captor could have written the book on psychotic, primal behavior, so… in short, he was dangerous.

GHAA! You and TLG can join the pro-ellipsis club against me.


Dangerous and armed. He worked at his bonds silently, keeping an eye on the other man as he lined up his “workspace,” no doubt preparing it for one or both of them.

I'd say "Cadel" instead of "he" at the beginning of the second sentence. Also, I'm not so sure about those quotes around "workspace." I'd consider deleting them.


but the wound merely turned to ash and flaked away, leaving the flesh as smooth as though untouched

This is cool. Very cinematic.



Okay, you've got one big problem with this piece: it's confusing. Very confusing. All this jumping back and forth, and the lack of names for these people makes the plot difficult to follow, and I think we'd all be happier knowing from the beginning that Cadel is affiliated with the police. And also that "his boss" is a police chief, which would give you something else to refer to him by, since you seem so determined to avoid using his name.

Also, I hate, hate, hate ellipses. Yes, sometimes they are appropriate, but you have like 5 million of them in here. You can get rid of almost all of them.

All told, you've got a fun, cinematic story going on here. I'd love to see it as a movie. I like that the serial killer is, in fact, a mere mortal, and that he simply chose the wrong victim and got himself screwed.


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ashleylee--thanks for reviewing =D I've been meaning to reply but I kept getting sidetracked lol
Sorry if the long sentences made you twitch haha it's a thing of mine, I suppose... sentences that seem maze-like are usually meant to seem that way in order to extend the time or give you that sort of twisting, twining sense, but... I dunno, if it seems to be a problem I'll have to tone them down XD
But yeah, overall, I'm working on revisions while taking into account what info you guys gave me, so thanks so much for the help =D

ProfessorRabbit--you too =D thanks for the help. lol my ellipses probably drove you crazy, but I like them for this particular narrator's voice. As to the little brother and big sister thing, my sibs and I sometimes address each other that way, so I dunno. And the general consensus seems to be that the beginning is just too confusing, what with the vague references and such, so I'll definitely work on that. I suppose I was going for a bit of confusion, to keep the reader somewhat guessing as they went along, but if it's too much then I'll just have to tone it down haha XD

Anyways, thanks again all =D
ta!
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The floods of war are crashing nigh
Raise the mountain, blade the fire
And woe to they who voked your ire…
-----People do speak in semicolons; they just don't know it.------



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