Food for Thought

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For ProfessorRabbit's vampire contest


It was cold. Megan hated the cold. She hurried through the streets, hands stuffed into the pockets of her heavy coat; a stream of frosted breath following her trail. The cold stung her cheeks and flushed them pink, and whenever a snowflake landed upon her nose she would sneeze. A sharp gust of wind rolled towards her, knocking her back onto the heels of her feet. Grunting, Megan pulled up her scarf to cover her face and trudged onwards; cursing each of the cars that drove past and sprayed her with icy slush-water.

"Donations?"

A shiver shot down Megan's spine and she froze in her steps.

"Donations?"

Slowly, she turned her gaze. The beggar was like any other; haggard and unkempt, a mesh of matted hair hanging down from underneath a moth-holed hat. Cheeks sunken, gaze dulled. He reached out a wrinkled finger and asked again.

"Donations?"

Megan did not like the way he was staring at her pink cheeks, and inside her pockets small hands curled into fists. He scared her, just as always like all of them did. They were nothing but pale shadows of their living selves and they filled her with fear. Yet despite going against her better judgement, and all natural instinct that screamed nothing but terror, there was something within her that desperately wanted to help, to ease their suffering even if it was just in the slightest of ways.

"Well..."

"Megan!"

She spun around and met an equally flushed grinning face.

"Alan," she exclaimed gleefully and hugged him tightly, "I didn't expect to see you here!"

"I was sent out to go do some shopping," he sighed and rolled his eyes, Megan giggling at his expression.

"Donations?"

Her laughter stopped, and a sombre silence fell over the two.

"Excuse me," Alan frowned, glowering at the wrinkled man before turning his glare to Megan, "donations? Donations? Were you going to... Jesus Christ, Megan, I thought you had more sense than that!"

"I didn't do anything, Alan, but sometimes I see them and I just..." She trailed off as he took hold of her hand and pulled her along; away from the broken beggar. His grip was tight, and the desperation behind his anger made her feel a little guilty she had even thought about donating.

Alan continued pulling her along until he reached the town hall. They'd passed others as they went; women in tall shoes and short skirts, young men with broken noses and frayed tempers. All of them after the same thing.

He sat her down on a bench and Megan waited for his lecture, for the take care of yourselves and the don't be stupids, instead he reached into his rucksack and pulled out two cans of instant soup.

"Here," he said and tossed one over to her, popping the button on its base and waiting for it to heat up.

Megan did the same with hers, holding the can between her mittened hands to warm up her fingers.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Alan asked, sitting himself beside her.

"Sometimes," she began slowly, taking a sip of her soup, "I just see them and it reminds me of him."

"Your brother?"

Megan stared at her hands and nodded slowly.

"I think if someone had given him something, then maybe he wouldn't have gone mad like he did, maybe he'd still be here; not locked up like some wild animal. And when I think of him I... I just want to do something about it."

"But why? Why not give blood to the living rather than the dead?"

"The dead?"

"Well you could hardly say it's living." Alan said, leaning back on the bench and shaking his head.

Megan rose to her feet, brushing moisture away from the backs of her legs.

"Didn't you have some shopping to do?" She asked softly.

"Look," he sighed, "if you're serious about this, I'll come with you down to the bank. If you're going to do anything at least do it properly. I don't treasure the thought of you offering yourself on the street."

Megan said nothing, but offered him a hand.

---

They surrounded the bank, all of them pale and gaunt with ill looking faces. Their eyes watched hungrily, and as Alan and Megan walked past them a few licked their lips and shuffled closer.

The lobby of the bank was filthy, just as it had been every time that Megan had ever ventured inside. She'd gotten this far before, but the stench of rotten meat would always turn her stomach and she'd run out of that cold building and in to the snow, which somehow felt warmer. There were more people curled up along the creases of the walls, each a pile of ragged cloth that was only recognisable as a living being when they moved, shifting underneath the folds of cotton.

"May I help you?" They teller asked as they approached. Perhaps, Megan wondered, within this building, it was a requirement to look so withdrawn, have such sunken features; the appearance was ubiquitous. Even though he was normal--natural-- the teller's expression was no different from those hunched up in the corners.

"Yes," she said quietly, "I'm here-"

"Unless you've a medical note, at the moment I can't give you anything." He replied in a long droll, as if even speaking took up too much effort.

"Oh, no, no, I'm here to give."

The shrivelled beings under cloth twitched.

"Sorry, sorry," the teller sighed and slipped off his chair, "I forget people come here for that too. It's been so long."

Megan swallowed nervously, and reached for Alan's hand as they followed the teller.

---

Behind the cool glass, behind that barrier that separated them from the dead, the hospital was surprisingly clean--clinical. It even had that same smell which Megan had found all dentists seemed to have, and the juxtaposition of such cleanliness next to such squalor was a little unsettling.

"Have you given before?" The teller asked, leading the pair into a small side-room. Within it was a low hospital bed, and beside that a steel dish laden with delicate instruments.

"No, well, not for this anyway. There was a drive when I was still in school but I think that was just for medical reasons, like accidents or something."

"Hmm, I don't think I've seen any drives for a long time now," he replied, distantly, as Megan slid up onto the bed, "but this is pretty much the same procedure and we'll be taking pretty much the same amount."

"Well, that's some relief," she said and rolled up the sleeve of her shirt.

The needles were bigger than Megan remembered, and she flinched when it dug into the soft skin of her inner arm and pierced a vein. As much as the sight disgusted Megan, the fascination was too much for her to avert her eyes. Rich dark blood seeped down the thick rubber tube to where it collected in a plastic bag just beside her. There was nothing to do but watch and wait until she had been drained of as much as was needed.

"Thank you very much for the donation," the teller smiled, and carried the bag of still warm blood with them back up to the front desk. No more piles in the corners, they were all standing, waiting in front of his seat, each eager to be the one that would receive her gift.

"Look at them all," Alan said nervously, Megan still holding cotton wool to the puncture would in her arm, the teller informing everyone that there was still no blood for those without a doctor's note.

"I know, I know," she replied, and shivered, "but what can we do? I mean, everyone needs to eat, don't they?"
Last edited by tinny on Fri Aug 15, 2008 2:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
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What a wonderfully detailed story!
I was so pulled in by your descriptions, and I could see the characters in my mind.
I have to say, the blood part was a bit disgusting, but only because you wrote it so wonderfully.

There isn't alot of bad stuff I can say about it. It's a nice, evil short story.




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The problem with many other stories is that they don't have a very good beggining. Yours was exeptionaly well described and the picture of the story formed in my mind. Well done.

But you could have described Megan a little more.

"May I help you?" They teller asked as they approached.

I think you wanted to tell "the teller"

Megan still holding cotton wool to the puncture would in her arm,

Did you meanto tell "the punctured wound"

Well, I can't see any more mistakes.

Will you continue it?
Warden: "If you want to lead, all you have to do is ask."
Alistair: "What? Lead? Me? No, no, no. No leading. Bad things happen when I lead. We get lost, people die, and the next thing you know I'm stranded somewhere without any pants."
- Dragon Age

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Just a few typo stuff...

onwards; cursing each of the cars that drove past and sprayed her with icy slush-water.


I think you need a comma instead of a colon there. This is because what follows it is not an inpendent clause. Small nitpick, I know.

"but this is pretty much the same procedure and we'll be taking pretty much the same amount."


He says pretty much twice, it seems a little repetitive.

The needles were bigger than Megan remembered, and she flinched when it dug into the soft skin of her inner arm and pierced a vein. As much as the sight disgusted Megan, the fascination was too much for her to avert her eyes.


The use of Megan twice is a little distracting, maybe you could replace one of them with a "her"?

***

Other than that, I thought this was fabulously written! You had beautiful description, and the tone of the whole piece was very somber and haunting, which I enjoyed very much. You clearly have talent for this kinda stuff. :P

Hope that helps!


[s]BlackGhost[/s]




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I've never read a vamp. piece like this, with them integrated into society. I was hooked.
The only thing I'd say is that I kind of wish I had a little more on Alan and the mysterious brother (is he a vampire?)




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I did not realize that the bums were vampires until the end. I thought this is some sort of futuristic thing were giving money to the poor was like a sin. That would be bad ass but that’s not what I’m here for! You some how have a mind like mine and that amazes me, but I have to crutek critical critic I need a dictionary, Review! I cant spell that other word!

Uh I hate this part.

If I could change one thing in this story it would be something very simple like adding a line or two that contain hints about vampires peacefully living in our world. Normally in most stories’ I read, vampires hide themselves from others or they can’t really feel cold. You’re going agents the system, Woot for you! Woot is So a word in my vocab! I congratulate your courage! Um, adding a line about blood maybe within the paragraph after the third donation. But that’s just me so don’t listen! I tend to drive people insane.

~First time, good Job!




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Beautifully written I must admit. I really did enoy it. The topic wouldn't usually be something I'd be interested in but the way its written makes you believe...

The only errors I've noticed have already been picked up...I want to say make it a little more obvious as some people will not pick up on the twist, but then again I think if they don't get it then they aren't worthy of reading it. Anything to make it more obvious might make it lose its sparkle and charm and you always have the fear of patronising your target audience. I'd be interested in reading some of your other stuff...

Olivia
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If you wake up in the morning and all you can think of is writing, then you're a writer...




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She hurried through the streets, hands stuffed into the pockets of her heavy coat; a stream of frosted breath following her trail.

Either change "following" to "followed" or change the semicolon to a comma.


Grunting, Megan pulled up her scarf to cover her face and trudged onwards; cursing each of the cars that drove past and sprayed her with icy slush-water.

Semicolon should be a comma.


The beggar was like any other; haggard and unkempt, a mesh of matted hair hanging down from underneath a moth-holed hat.

Semicolon should be a colon, or perhaps a comma.


Megan did not like the way he was staring at her pink cheeks, and inside her pockets small hands curled into fists.

I would phrase it like this:
"...pink cheeks, and her small hands curled into fists inside her pockets."


He scared her, just as always like all of them did.

Some redundancy here. Consider rewording.


They were nothing but pale shadows of their living selves and they filled her with fear.

I was briefly confused by this, but it's okay because when I realized later, I did a facepalm.


Were you going to... Jesus Christ, Megan, I thought you had more sense than that!"

Change the ellipsis to a dash, please.


She trailed off as he took hold of her hand and pulled her along; away from the broken beggar.

Semicolon should be a comma.


They'd passed others as they went; women in tall shoes and short skirts, young men with broken noses and frayed tempers.

Semicolon should be a colon, or maybe a comma.


"Here," he said and tossed one over to her, popping the button on its base and waiting for it to heat up.

"...over to her, popping the button on the base of the other and waiting for it to heat up."


And when I think of him I... I just want to do something about it."

Dash instead of ellipsis, please.


They surrounded the bank, all of them pale and gaunt with ill looking faces. Their eyes watched hungrily, and as Alan and Megan walked past them a few licked their lips and shuffled closer.

It took me this long to figure out what was going on in this story. Seriously. And that's not a bad thing, either.


"Unless you've a medical note, at the moment I can't give you anything." He replied in a long droll, as if even speaking took up too much effort.

...can't give you anything," he replied in...


"Sorry, sorry," the teller sighed and slipped off his chair, "I forget people come here for that too. It's been so long."

"Sorry, sorry." The teller sighed and slipped off his chair. "I forget people come here for that, too. It's been so long."


The needles were bigger than Megan remembered, and she flinched when it dug into the soft skin of her inner arm and pierced a vein.

"The needle was bigger than..."


No more piles in the corners, they were all standing, waiting in front of his seat, each eager to be the one that would receive her gift.

Here, a semicolon would be appropriate:
"No more piles in the corners; they were all standing, waiting..."


"Look at them all," Alan said nervously, Megan still holding cotton wool to the puncture would in her arm, the teller informing everyone that there was still no blood for those without a doctor's note.

This is kind of a run-on.


"I know, I know," she replied, and shivered, "but what can we do? I mean, everyone needs to eat, don't they?"

Excellent ending!



I'd just like to say, right off, that I loved the twist in this story. I got about halfway through before I realized what was going on, and after that I just said "wow!" Very original, which is always exciting for me.

One thing that I noticed is that you seem to use semicolons where they don't belong just a little too often. I know, I know: semicolons are hard. That's why it's important to get them right!

Other than that, you don't seem to have much of a problem with grammar and punctuation, so the only further suggestion I can make is to flesh out Megan's character a little more. We don't really learn that much about her in this piece, so once you get beyond the initial surprise and go back to read it again, it's not as interesting. I'd also love to learn more about his brother of hers.


Thank you for entering my contest, and be on the lookout for the results over the next couple of days.
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