Bones

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Contest Entry for Suz-chan's contest, Bigger than You


inspiration picture at the bottom ^^


Thanks to all who have critiqued this! I so appreciate it!!


Bones



She walks the path, a hallway made of trees. Bare branches woven together, entwining together.

There is no light. But she knows where she is.

Her bare feet and gown scrape across the hard ground, bringing up small piles of dirty brown leaves. There is a faint silver glow ahead. She walks forward, attraction growing inside her.

The glow begins to take shape in front of her. Antlers, hoofs, an empty rib cage.

It is a skeleton. Bones.

The girl stops a few feet from it, hesitant to go any further. The creature paws the ground steadily, staring at her from an empty skull.

You are very near your destination.

The voice comes from all around her, from the tree branches above her head, the leaves below her feet. The very air she pulls into her lungs, and expels out through her mouth.

“I know,” she answers back.

Are you frightened?

“N-no,” she says.

The creature tilts its head.

Why do you lie, dear one?

“I’m not lying!” she insists, taking a step forward.

You lie, it says, and you are frightened. You lie because you are frightened. It surveys her once again. Do you wish to return whence you came?

The girl does not say anything to this. She swallows.

Do you wish to continue onward?

The girl opens her mouth, but no words come forth to explain for her. She shakes her head once. The creature steps forward, and at the same time a small animal steps out from behind a tree.

It, too, is made of bones.

It sits and looks up at her with empty eye sockets. It wraps its skeletal tail around its front legs, and opens its mouth in an empty yawn.

The girl stares at it, not horrified, but more intrigued.

The skeletal animal gets up a moment later and moves toward her, twining its fragile body around her ankles. She can feel the sharp points of its shoulders through the cloth of her gown.

This is a place no mortal can live¸ the creature tells her. You are meant to continue onward, to the next life. You are not meant to remain. It gestures its head toward the skeletal cat still rubbing against her legs. You would become as they are, made of naught but bones. You would not move onward, and you would not go back. You would remain here, forever.

The girl nods.

The creature takes a step forward, its hoofs stirring up leaves as the bare soles of her feet had. They rustle against the creature’s gleaming white fibula bone.

Why do you fear?

The girl’s legs begin to tremble. “Fear what?”

You are afraid to go forward. What is it there that you fear?

She brings her hands up to her chest, wringing and clutching them tightly. “I-I I’m scared of what’s there.”
What’s there?

She nods, her entire body shivering now. “I’m scared of where I’ll end up.”

Judgment. The creature states, lowering it’s head. You fear the judgment of He who controls.

She nods again.

“I don’t want to burn.”

So you would remain here, for all eternity, to avoid one simple decision?

The girl is silent for a moment. The creature stares at her with empty eyes.

“Yes, I would.”

The creature bounds forward and spears her in the middle with its antlers. She doubles up, a silver liquid bubbling up from her lips and running down her chin. She coughs. Long strands of her hair falls away from her scalp, slithering over the gleaming bones of the creature. The silver liquid begins to drip from her nostrils.

There is a dry, hissing sound. Great sheets of skin peels away from her body, crumbling to dust in a nonexistent wind. Her blood boils away, and her organs shrivel up and shrink. Her eyes roll from her skull like large, pale marbles, bouncing off the creature’s shoulders and dropping to the ground.
The silver liquid seeps from every inch of her bones now, pooling on the trailing fabric of her gown, dripping from her arms in long shimmery ropes.

The creature pulls away, a large beating organ on one of its antlers. Her heart.

It has been done. It states, and breaks apart.

She looks down at the pile of bones at her feet. Her gleaming white foot flashes out from under her gown and kicks them away.

The sound of her foot against the bones creates an odd symphony. The cat starts and bounds away, tail thrashing.

The sound is still music to her ears.

A noise distracts her. She looks over her shoulder, and sees someone approaching.

She would smile, if not for the grin already plastered on her features.

He comes closer and closer to the living skeleton that is the girl. He is frightened. She can see it on his face.

She picks up her gown in her frail hands, and goes to meet him.

You are very near your destination.

Her voice comes from everywhere. She relishes it.

Are you afraid?
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Last edited by Sachiko on Fri Aug 15, 2008 3:32 pm, edited 11 times in total.
"Funniest Member -- Sachiko. Secretly the devil. Do not engage. I repeat, do not engage." -- Iggy

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CAT!!! *pounces** Well just to tell you I love this your gonna win I'm sure of it, it's perfect. Nice pic by the way :)

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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Bones-
Things I loved:
*creative
*nice detail and description
*realistic characters
*nice pic
*REALLY intense!

I can't wait for more! :D
hands down that was FRICKEN AWESOME!!!!
If I can impact one person, just one, with my writing before I die, then I've lived a great life




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Hey, Cat-sama. ABOUT FREAKING TIME YOU POST SOMETHING!!!! *ahem*

Branches woven together, entwining together, disappearing into each other.


Because I'm oh-so-honest, I'll tell you that I didn't like that bolded part. At all. The two others were perfectly fine.

There is no light, but she knows where she is.


*dances* I'm having fun. Okay. To give this a more of an overall effect, break this up into two sentences. "There is no light. But she knows where she is." It's okay to start a sentence with 'But'.

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP.

My computer just froze, just like I knew it would. It lost half of the critique. CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP. This is all your fault.

*dies*

Just kidding. Anyway.

The girl stares at it, not horrified, but more… intrigued.


*sigh* Okay. I'll start over again. Take out those ellipsis. I know where you are going with them, but they make it look weird. O.o Italicize the word 'intrigued' and you'll get the same effect.

*blinks* Weird ending.

OVERALL:

I thought it was really good. Really deep and powerful. I didn't find it suspenseful, though, as the other criticizers have. The only really intense part was where the girl was attacked, and even that lacked a lot of suspense that could have been built up.

I failed to see the symbolism of the skeleton cat. You know. The one animal that came for a moment and then disappeared? I didn't understand why that was necessary for the plot.

What else...

I loved the ending. It was like.. the circle of life. But they are dead. So The Circle Of Death. That's really cool. That's what I would name this piece, if I were you. But I'm not. Bones works just as fine also. ;)

Good piece, Cat-sama. You did a good job.

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Hello Cat.

The very air she pulls into her lungs, and out through her mouth.


And pulls out through her mouth? Whattawhat? How about, "... and expels out through her mouth."

“I’m not lying!” [s]She[/s] she insists


Side to side.


I know what a shake of the head looks like. I shook my head when I read this line.

It sits, and looks up at her...


Unnecessary commas make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

evermore


I hate this word.

The skeletal animal gets up a moment later, and moves away...


My skin is turning green.

It gestures its head toward in the direction...


Eh? Say what now?

... [s]it’s[/s] its hoofs...


... lowering [s]it’s[/s] its head...


It's = contraction of it is; its = possessive form of it.

The creature bounds forward, and spears her in the middle with its antlers.


HULK, SMASH!

It has been done. [s]It[/s] it states...


Also change that period to a comma.

She would have smiled, if not for the permanent one plastered on her features.


Permanent one? No no, that's just awkward. =D


It's good. Good description.

and liek, nice pic lol!!1

Prokaryote




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Nitpicks:

repulsion and attraction

Repulsion from what? Attraction from what? It is not made clear enough early enough for this sentence to make sense.

the tree branches

Nitpicking, but what other kind of branches are there? There was no need to include the fact is branches of a tree. It just sounds odd, in my mind.

her voice echoing through the trees.

Another really nitpicky thing; her voice wouldn't echo in trees. Not enough for sound waves to bounce off. Sorry, just something I noticed.

“N-not nearly as much as I should be,” she says.

I don't think she should say this. If she's pretending not to be frightened, she would hardly be admitting the fact she should do. If you were in this situation, would you?

The girl stares at it, not horrified, but more… intrigued.

Why is she frightened of the other skeleton creature, but not of the skeleton cat?

You are afraid to go forward. What is it that you fear?

I know what you meant here, but asking what her fear is after it's been stated she is fearful of going forward seemed a bit strange. Maybe rephrase this to fit in with the fact it means why is she scared of staying in her current world; of dying.

The creature bounds forward, and spears her in the middle with its antlers. She doubles up, a silver liquid bubbling up from her lips and running down her chin. She coughs. Long strands of her hair falls away from her scalp, slithering over the gleaming bones of the creature. The silver liquid begins to drip from her nostrils.

This just wasn't fast enough for me. Maybe break it up into short, snappier sentences? Push the pace up a notch.

It states, and breaks apart.

It has been done, it states, and breaks apart. This is very sudden. Since the girl is about to do the same to the boy approaching, does that mean she will break apart afterwards, and be

She would have smiled, if not for the permanent one plastered on her features.
He comes closer and closer to the living skeleton that is the girl. He is frightened. She can see it on his face.

HUGE mood shift right there. It was a bit unexpected - she went from being a scared little girl to being rather evil.

Also, this skeleton cat came and went very suddenly for no apparent reason. Was there a point to it being there?

Things I Liked:

Hugely original idea, I loved the way it worked out at the end - the fact she was scared of death, and that's why she wanted to be part of this skeleton world.
I loved the description, like "dripping from her arms in long shimmery ropes. "
I really loved the character the skeleton animal played, how wise yet sinister it was.
You made the girl convincingly young.

Nice work :)




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my dear, cat-sama this your story is simply intresting.

the more i read it the more hungry i become for more.
it is so breath taking and exciting, hope you write more of it

thanks. i'm praise. cheers
The Truth Can Set You Free
Maybe,
But You Must First
Set The Truth Free
_WOLE Soyinka




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Very impressive, I liked this piece a lot. Initially, it sounds like it could be another sci-fi, vampire-esque type story that are so common on here, and you're not sure what to expect, but it was a very original and interesting theory/idea of something so commonly and widely discussed.
And the withholding of information was perfect I feel, there is enough ambiguity at the start to draw you in to carry on readng and find out what's going on...and then you start to guess what it may actually be about, but it's not predictable what will happen which means you have to read til the end.
Not too long either, but perfectly poignant for what it is.

Try and return review if you could :) no -one's reviewing my stuff :(

xxx
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[remind me to check dates next time? urgh. oh well - ignore this if you wish. It's not that that old?]

haha, I loooooove the ending. Very much so. =]

Fist, you should add all six senses – at least while she still has her body. She’s scared, correct? So let us feel that. Does a breeze rush through her dress, making her shiver? Can she hear an owl hoot from far off? What’s it smell like with all those dead, decayed animals?

And my main question: does it hurt? She gets ripped apart – ouch. She’s dead as a kid, not old age – ouch. She thinks she won’t go to Heaven – emotional ouch. Add those in.

And add why she thinks she won’t get into Heaven. No, don’t tell us she did drugs – I like the mystery, how she can be compared to everyone. But give us the emotions behind it. Let us feel her guilt. Let us feel how awkward she feels looking forward, knowing she doesn’t belong there. The only bad one. Let us know if she thinks she deserves it.

Finally, don’t use so many short paragraphs. You went a little overboard – lengthen some of them by connecting them. It’ll make them more effective.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415



We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master.
— Ernest Hemingway