One Last Memory

This is my most recent short story. It popped into my head last night and I just couldn't resist posting it. But beware, very rough and needs help so harsh critiques are welcome!

Happy Reading

**Edited as of August 17**
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The leaves looked as though they were on fire—gold, orange, red—blending together into flames that licked the sky. They trickled down around him, crunching underneath his feet. He was headed in no particular direction, letting his feet unconsciously guide him as his brain dwelled on the past few hours.
Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he shuddered in the icy breeze. He felt the coming snow, as if he could already feel the icy snowflakes landing on his cheeks. It was one of those things he couldn’t control. He always had things in control, everything worked out to the way he wanted it—his future, his goals, even his girlfriend…or so he thought. He had only just discovered that he wasn’t as in control as he thought he was.
Kicking up a stray pebble, he felt his anger flare. How could she do this to him? How could she just throw away all that they had? They were graduating High School in three weeks. They were going to college together, both majoring in marketing and sales. They were both extremely ambitious, and academically honored. It was a perfect fit. Before now, he never thought about himself being with anyone but her.
As it turned out, she hadn’t been the girl he thought she was. He had always seen her as bright, enthusiastic about school, and slightly on the clumsy side. Liar had never come to mind and yet, there it was, glaring red in front of his eyes, as if written across his line of vision with a Sharpie. Looking around into the surrounding trees, he felt his chest heave. He couldn’t let her ruin his life, ruin what he was working towards.
The following day, a scout was coming out to watch him compete in his final football game. Even that did not excite him like it did before. With her face missing from the crowd, all hunger for the game was lost.
However, he shouldn’t even care. She had been the one in the wrong. She had to fess up and pay her dues. He was done feeling sorry for himself.
Somehow, the image of that fateful event came to mind, submerging him into the very thick of it. He had just finished showering after yet another tiring practice, the locker room seemingly empty. He had just pulled on his jeans, staring vacantly into the mirror as he dressed, when he heard that seductive laugh. He knew it anywhere and the first thought that popped into his head was What is Darci doing in the boy’s locker room? He beamed when he realized that she was probably looking for him. He quickly ran his fingers through his hair, and turned to greet her, not bothering to pull on a shirt. When he didn’t see her right away, he continued down the aisle of lockers. The laugh echoed again. Frowning, he looked down the last aisle and felt the world disappear beneath his feet.
Darci was pressed up against the last locker, Gary Bishop’s damn mouth all over her neck and jaw. Her eyes were half-closed, enjoying the moment. That’s when the bile rose in his throat. Without a second thought, he had marched over, yanked Gary’s bulky frame off of his girlfriend, and glared Darci down.
“Tony!” she had exclaimed, face immediately rising in color with embarrassment.
“What the hell, Darci? What is this?” he had demanded, even though he knew exactly what was going on.
Darci was cheating on him.
The trail ended, forcing him back to reality. He faced a quiet, suburban street with all the cars put away for the night. Looking up into the sky he saw that the moon was out in full. Its glowing face illuminated his form, bathing him a pearly sheen of white light. He suddenly felt extremely small, insignificant. There was a whole other world out there, waiting to be discovered beyond this small town of Fort Worth. He had never even been out of the state of Texas! There were so many people yet to meet, so many places left unseen. Suddenly, the University of Texas lost its glamour, its sparkle, when thinking about all those other places…
He grumbled something unintelligible before crossing the street, heading for home. He thought he had it all figured out, his giant plan bound for success. He had never thought beyond that list spread out before him that his father had mapped out for him long before he was able to walk. He had never considered the million other pathways life could hold for him but now, walking along Diamond Cross Drive, he let his mind wander to these other pathways.
Shaking his head, he forced his eyes back onto the already-paved road. He knew what he wanted; he had been working for it since his first year of high school. There was no backing out now, even if Darci had to be cut from the picture.
Peeking upwards, he saw he was only a block away from home. Picking up the pace, he was eager to enjoy a large bowl of vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate fudge before he hit the sack, even if it was on the no-no list for football. Nearing a jog, he was only yards away when a car screeched to a halt beside him.
“Tony, dammit! I have been chasing you all around town. We need to talk,” his former girlfriend shouted from the driver’s seat of her ’87 station wagon. Tony frowned and chose not to reply, continuing at slightly slow pace. “Tony!” she screamed, her head sticking out of the window. “Get in the damn car!”
“No, Darci. It’s over. We’re over,” he replied smoothly, not allowing any hint of emotion to enter his voice. He had come to the conclusion shortly after finding her with Gary that Darci could no longer be apart of his life.
But it still sent a pang of loss whenever he thought of it.
“Can we at least talk about this? Let me explain?” she pleaded, her voice nearing hysteria. Tony paused, and allowed himself to look at her.
He had to admit, she looked like hell. Her usually sleek, brunette curls had gone haywire, spiraling out of control all over her scalp. Her eyeliner had run, leaving faint black marks under her brown eyes that still seemed to twinkle, even in her current state. It gave him a brief hint of satisfaction at seeing her so lost without him. Then, he released what little pride he had left, and decided that he could at least give her five minutes of his time.
With a heavy sigh, and a great act of annoyance, he slumped to the passenger side and got in. Darci felt her confidence rise as she drove him a few miles away to the local park. The drive was taken in silence, Darci sneaking peeks at him from under her lashes. He looked as good as usual, his varsity jacket hugging his wide shoulders. Slight stubble shadowed his jaw and his nose was flared in irritation. His lips were pulled into a thin line, and his pale, blue eyes sparking with energy. His hair was in need of a good cut, the blonde fringe dangling in front of his eyes. He didn’t bother pushing it away. He was too agitated with the person sitting only inches to his left to care about much else.
She felt herself ripping at the seams. She had never meant to follow Gary to the locker room; she hadn’t meant to fall for his boyish charm. It just happened. She was intentionally looking for Tony, to greet him after practice, but Gary had other ideas. Darci sighed, gripping the wheel with white-knuckle intensity. She couldn’t understand what would give her the reason to cheat on Tony. He was everything she needed, everything she wanted. They were going to college together! She even sometimes dreamed of their marriage, embarrassing as that is. She couldn’t see a future without Tony as her main man, her leading actor in the film of her life.
But now, the script was being thrown out the door.
When they reached the park, Tony all but flew from the car, putting as much space as he could between them. Hurt, Darci tried her best to seem unaffected by this gesture of Tony's irritation. She tried to find the words to tell him she was sorry, and that she hadn't planned on doing what she did. However, as she watched Tony’s gait—the way he locked his legs and the cocky way he swung his hips, making many girls swoon when put into action—was amiss, she knew it was a pointless argument.
So, both taking a seat on a wooden bench, she instead decided to go from the heart. “Listen, Tony. I know I made a mistake and I have said that I was sorry countless times, but I know it does nothing to erase what I have done. I’m not here to beg, I’m here to…” she paused, not sure what she wanted, or what to say.
Instead, she ended up taking his hand in her own. Tony didn’t jerk away; he just gazed down at their entwined fingers, admiring her bronze skin against his golden tan. Darci observed the fine hair dusting his knuckles, his thick fingers held between her slender ones. The cuffs of his varsity jacket brushed her wrist and she longed to wear it, as she usually did every day after school. “Do you remember the first day we met?”
Tony couldn’t help himself; he chuckled. “How could I not?”
Darci smiled wobbly. “I was such a dork.” Images flashed through her mind—Tony, crashing into her plate of food smearing a combination of ketchup, potato salad, and ranch dressing onto his new, dress shirt, and then onto her white skirt. She had then added paper napkins to the mix as she tried to clean it off from both of them.
“You covered me in food, and then tried to clean it but ended up smearing it further.”
“Yeah.” Darci bowed her head, the incident still bringing a fresh flush to her cheeks. “I bet you thought I was so clumsy.”
“I thought you were adorable, no lie,” Tony answered, unable to stop his emotions from getting into the way. He stilled cared for Darci, more than he would have liked at the moment.
“I thought you were too.”
“Even covered in food?” he asked, and she raised her eyes to his.
“Even covered in food,” she vowed sincerely, her voice barely above a whisper. She glanced unconsciously at his lips. She hoped he would kiss her, she wanted him to kiss her. Tony wanted to kiss her too. The invitation was there, the temptation almost unbearable. It was hard to think of her as anything but his girlfriend, the girl he could just turn and kiss, embrace, without a second thought. He knew he couldn’t kiss her, even if he wanted to, so he turned away instead, to stare at his shoes. Darci bit her lip, beyond disappointed.
“Do you remember that day at Mark’s party?”
“In the closet?” she asked and when he nodded, she blushed to the roots of her hair. It made him smile. They both lost themselves in the memory of such an innocent get-together turning into their on little party in her friend’s closet. “I don’t think I’ll ever forget that, Tony.”
“I know. Either will I.” Their eyes connected and the world around them melted. Before he could reconsider, his lips were on hers. At first, he was hesitant, but by the soft tug of her lips, he gave in to his desires.
His hands traveled into her hair, embedded themselves in the forest of brunette strands. Her own fingers lingered at his throat, playing with the collar of his jacket. The kiss was long, robbing them both of air and any sanity they had left. It was always that way between them and Tony knew he would miss this the most. The familiarity they had, the absence of awkwardness between them.
He finally made himself pull away, and Darci tentatively touched her index finger to her swollen lips. He saw her neck flex as she swallowed, and he knew that she realized it too. That this was it. This was where it would end. It was their last moment together, their one last memory to create. “I am sorry, Tony.” He heard the noticeable husky tone in her voice and knew that the tears were not far behind.
“I know you are Darci, but I think that things sometimes happen for a reason.”
“So you think it was fate? That it was supposed to end this way,” she demanded, choking on the lump in her throat.
“I, for one, never pictured it like this but you can’t have everything you want.” Tony then stood, brushing off the knees of his jeans. “I have to go now, Darci.”
“I know.” She stood as well, avoiding his eyes.
Tony sighed, trying to fight the internal instinct to comfort her as he watched the rivets of tears stream down her face. He lifted her chin with his fingers, forcing her eyes to his. “You know we can’t be together.”
“I don’t want it to end, Tony. I made a mistake, I-I—“
“You would have never made it if you were happy,” Tony challenged, and the statement caught her off guard. Had she been unhappy with Tony?
“You saw things distancing between us. Even I can’t deny it, though I want so much for things to go back they were. You know they can’t, Darci. You know that. The damage is done and I don’t think this accident is fixable.” It was something that neither of them could argue against. Darci recalled the last few weeks, petty arguments staining most of the days. Their relationship was straining, hanging there by a thread. And Darci’s kiss had cut it cleanly in half. She hiccuped, no longer trying to stop the flow of tears. She let them run, let them be free, because she knew this wouldn’t be the last tears she shed over Tony Denaro.
“I have to leave, Darci,” Tony said, releasing her chin and backing away. Darci didn’t bother making a move to follow. It was useless. Tony was leaving for good this time.
“I love you, Tony,” she whispered, and it made him pause, but only for a moment.
This was their last memory for the album.
“I love you too, Darci. More than you will ever know.”

The leaves looked as though they were on fire—gold, orange, red—blending together into flames that licked the sky. They trickled down around him, crunching underneath his feet. He was headed in no particular direction, going no where. He just walked to walk. But more importantly, he wanted to think.

I love your wording here! Very good visualization! I do think that the sentence "He just walked to walk." is a bit repetitive. It works, but it is not necessary.

Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he shuddered in the icy breeze, winter well on its way.

I do no like your wording here. My suggestions are to separate this into two sentences, something like...

Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he shuddered in the icy breeze. Winter was officially on it's way.

Try to use indention or skip a line to begin a new paragraph. It makes it easier to read you story.

He felt the coming snow in his hair, on his skin, smelled it in the air.

There are to many different things going on in this sentence. It's very repetitive. Try something more along the lines of...

He felt the cold air blowing threw his hair, felt the first of the snow fall gently on his warm cheeks.
or
He smelled the snow coming. He could feel it beginning to fall onto his skin.

Try sticking to just two actions within a sentence, it makes it less confusing.

He always had is life under some kind of security.

This sentence make absolutely no sense to me.

I feel like your trying to over describe everything, which just ends up making the story confusing and hard to follow. Adding too many adjectives to a single subject just takes away from the subject itself.

Everything was set—his future, his goals, even his girlfriend…or so he thought. He had discovered only hours ago that he wasn’t as in control with her as he thought he was.

Okay, these two sentences don't express the same issue. "everything is set" is not the same as "in control". Second, He would be in control of his girlfriend not with. Also, saying "as he thought he was" is unnecessary. Simple say as he thought

It was three weeks until they both graduated early.

I don't think this sentence flows. My suggestion is to simple remove the early, it adds nothing to the sentence.

Both were ambitious, both were academically honored.

Add an and after ambitious. It help with the sentence flow. Also, it sound a little repetitive. My suggestion is to say They were both extremely ambitious, and academically honored.
You need to take out the both because this is a compound sentence.

The site supplies you with resources to help you with your writing skills, look under resources, then knowledge base. These are the tips I consider most useful.

He couldn’t see himself with anyone else.
But now, he doubted that fact.

Try not to start a sentence with a conjunction. It is acceptable at times, but it can cause run-on sentences or just short choppy ones.

Me personally I would rephrase this...

Before now, he never thought about himself being with anyone but her.

By doing this you don't need to state that he doubts the fact because it leaves the reader to infer this.

As it turned out, she wasn’t all that she appeared to be. A liar had definitely not popped into his head when asked to describe her.

I actually had to reread this several times to understand what you were trying to say. The first sentence is confusing. What did she appear to be? The second sentence does not flow. try rephrasing it so it is easier to follow, or simply leave it out all together. It is not necessary. You are trying to hard to foreshadow, and by doing this, you are simply just making the story seem to drag on and on.

As it turned out, she wasn’t all that she appeared to be. A liar had definitely not popped into his head when asked to describe her. But there it was, glaring red in front of his eyes as if written across his line of vision with a Sharpie. Looking around into the surrounding trees, he felt his senses dull. He couldn’t let her ruin his life, ruin what he was working towards.

This part is confusing to me. Your talking about something that you haven't explained yet in the story, and instead of building suspense, you just confuse the reader.

The following day, a scout was coming out to watch him compete in the final game of his high school career on the varsity football team.

This sentence has no structure. When you read it aloud it sound like your rambling.

But that even lost its appeal when he took her out of the picture, her face missing from the crowd.

Your a bit repetitive here. My suggestion...

Even that did not excite him like it did before. With her face missing from the crowd, all hunger for the game was lost[i]

He was done feeling sorry.
The trail ended and he faced a quiet, suburban street, all the cars put away for the night.

First, I would change feeling sorry to feeling sorry for himself. Second, I would say "with all of the cars put away for the night"

Looking up into the sky, he saw that the moon was out in full, its glowing face illuminating his form.

You show a very strong vocabulary here, but a lack in your grammar. In my opinion it would sound better if this wasn't one big sentence.

There was a whole ‘nother place beyond Fortworth.

My first problem is with the " 'nother". A simple other will work fine. Second, I had reread this to understand it. At first I thought you were talking about a place in particular. So, to clear up that confusion, here is my suggestion...

[i]There was a whole world out there!

He had never thought beyond that long piece of paper spread out before him.

What paper?

Then, his pride came back, and he knew that the least he could do was give her five minutes of his time.

Actually, he would have let go of his pride, and get in the car, Because it's his pride that's keeping him
from getting in the car.

He looked as good as usual, his varsity jacket hugging his wide shoulders. Slight stubble shadowed his jaw and his nose was flared in irritation. His lips were pulled into a thin line, and his pale, blue eyes sparked with frustration. His hair was in need of a good cut, the blonde fringe dangling in front of his eyes. But he didn’t bother pushing it away. He was too agitated with the person only inches to his left to care about much else.

good description.

When they reached the park, Tony all but flew from the car, putting as much space between them.

as much space as he could between them. or putting some space between them.

Darci tried to ignore it, acting as though she hadn’t noticed, even though it left her feeling punched and broken.

I don't like this sentence because I think you contradicting yourself a bit. Try this...

Hurt, Darci tried her best to seem unaffected by this gesture of Tony's irritation.

She was still trying to come up with some way to convince Tony that she was sorry, that she hadn’t planned what had happened, that it just had.

You are way too repetitive in this sentence. Here is my suggestion...

She tried to find the words to tell him she was sorry, and that she hadn't planned on doing what she did.

But as she watched Tony’s gait, the way he locked his legs and how his hip-swagger was amiss, she knew it was a pointless argument.

Your wording is a little confusing here. Not a big problem, I just think it could be worded better.

“Listen, Tony. I have nothing to say to you that haven’t already been said.

I don't think this was a good think for her to say because it made me think, she found him and drove him up to the park to tell him she didn't have anything new tho say?

Dialogue: honestly, the way the two main characters speak at the park is very realistic but confusing. make sure you add things to the conversation so the reader knows what the characters are talking about. example:

"That day at the beach was so fun, especially when went to the juice bar together." Linda smiled as she remembers how they shared their first kiss soon after they arrived at the small juice bar in Myrtle Beach.

Remember you characters know what happened that day, the reader doesn't.

he gave in to the sin.

This is completely random but, that rhymed!

“I know you are, Darci. But I think that things sometimes happen for a reason.”

change this to...

I know you are Darci, but I think that things sometimes happen for a reason.”

I personally think that most of the first half of the story drags on.

The reader never knows what happened between them. You leave the reader with many questions.

What did Darci do?

Why can't they be together?

Honestly, there are a lot of things you need to clear up. Reading this story was like ripping out the middle of a book and trying to understand it from that alone. I suggest that you try to make the first half of the story more interesting. Also, make this chapter 2, and write a different first chapter that leads up to this chapter. By doing this you would clear up a lot of questions in the reader's mind.

The story was ok. Its a cute story, but I have to agree with you in that, it needs serious editing.

good luck.

I'm going to go through grammar, character, plot, all that stuff.

He was headed in no particular direction, going no where.

You repeat yourself here. If he was headed in no particular direction, why would he have anywhere to go? I suggest saying this "He was headed in no particular direction."

He just walked to walk. But more importantly, he wanted to think.

A conjuction connects words, not begins them. Think about trying this instead "He just wanted to walk but, more importantly, he wanted to think."

Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he shuddered in the icy breeze, winter well on its way.

It's a good transition to the next sentence but the "icy breeze" has nothing to do him with him shoving his hands in his pocket. Use AngelCat2958's suggestion for this.

He had discovered only hours ago that he wasn’t as in control with her as he thought he was.

This doesn't seem right to me somehow. I'm not sure how you can fix it though.

both majoring in marketing and sales. Both were ambitious, both were academically honored.

This is repetitive. The first phrase is okay but my suggestion for the next sentence "They were both ambitious and academically honored."

But now, he doubted that fact.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction for the reason listed above. Try "Now, he doubted that fact."

A liar had definitely not popped into his head when asked to describe her. But there it was, glaring red in front of his eyes as if written across his line of vision with a Sharpie.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction so take out the period in the first sentence and lowercase But.

Looking around into the surrounding trees, he felt his senses dull.

I don't see how trees have anything with his senses dulling. I understand that he was "looking around into the surrounding trees" but it doesn't make any sense to add the rest of that sentence. (If I confused you, PM me and I'll try to better explain)

The following day, a scout was coming out to watch him compete in the final game of his high school career on the varsity football team. But that even lost its appeal when he took her out of the picture, her face missing from the crowd.

A conjuction is a connecting word, not an ending word, so try taking out the first period and lowercasing the But.

But he shouldn’t care. She had been the one in the wrong. She had to fess up, to pay her dues. He was done feeling sorry.

No starting a sentence with a conjuction so try taking out But and starting the sentence with He.

The trail ended and he faced a quiet, suburban street, all the cars put away for the night.

I think your wording is a little bit off here. Right after the last comma, maybe try inserting Where. "The trail ended and he faced a quiet, suburban street, where all the cars were put away for the night."

Fortworth. He had never even been out of the state of Michigan!

Fort Worth is two words and it's in Texas.

And suddenly, the University of Michigan lost its glamour, its sparkle.

This part just seemed to come out of no where. I understand that you mean that compared to anywhere else, the University of Michigan is just like any other place but it kind of snuck up on me. I can't think of any ideas to help you but try rewording it and not starting a sentence with a conjuction.

He never considered the million other pathways life could hold for him. But now, walking along Diamond Cross Drive with a few kids still jumping on their trampoline a few houses down, he let his eyes wander to these other pathways.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction for the same reason listed above. My suggestion is to combine the two sentences but take out "...with a few kids still jumping on their trampoline a few houses down..." because it adds nothing to the sentence.

Then, his pride came back, and

There doesn't need to be a comma after Then; you can just as easily say "Then his pride came back and..."

His lips were pulled into a thin line, and his pale, blue eyes sparked with frustration.

Frustration sounds too much like Irritation in the line before it. I suggest finding another word for it. There's not much need for this sentence; we already understand that he's mad by your description in the previous sentence.

His hair was in need of a good cut, the blonde fringe dangling in front of his eyes. But he didn’t bother pushing it away.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction so I suggest combining the two sentences.

When they reached the park, Tony all but flew from the car, putting as much space between them.

It feels like you stopped mid-sentence. Putting as much space between them as what?

Tony that she was sorry, that she hadn’t planned what had happened, that it just had. But as she watched Tony’s gait, the way he locked his legs and how his hip-swagger was amiss, she knew it was a pointless argument.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction for the reason listed above so I suggest combining the two sentences.

And so, both taking a seat on a wooden bench, she instead decided to go from the heart.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction.

as she usually did ever day after school.

Every.

But he turned away, instead, to stare at his shoes.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction because it's a connecting word, not an ending word. I understand that it's for effect but, for me, at least, it just doesn't look right.

It was always that way between them. And he knew that Tony would miss this the most.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction; try combining the two sentences.

But he finally made himself pull away, and Darci tentatively touched her index finger to her swollen lips.

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction. I suggest taking out But and using He to begin the sentence.

“I, for one, never pictured it like this. But you can’t have everything you want.”

Don't start a sentence with a conjuction so I suggest combining the two sentences.

Even I can’t deny it, even though I want so much for things to go back they were. But they can’t.

Same problem here so try combining the sentences.

Description

I found your descriptions hard to read. In my mind, I see it that there's too many words when only a few need to be used. Leave some to the imagination. However, there are a lot of people that don't see it that way.

Tony

I liked that he seemed like a good guy and that he really seemed to want to forgive her. I didn't like, however, that he just seemed to mope the first half the story then suddenly change his mind. Nothing stood out about him.

Darci

I'm guessing that she cheated on him? She was okay. I liked her character and she seemed like a well enough person, minus what happend. Like I said with Tony, there wasn't anything interesting about her.

Plot

I agree with AngelCat2958; the story seemed to drag on the first part. I kept waiting for something big to happen and nothing ever did.

Suggestions

Conjuctions: Grammatically, conjuctions used as the beginning of a sentence are incorrect. If you're aiming for effect, however, it's fine. Please rememeber that people like people me will find it and correct it, just for the sake of grammar.
Sentence relevance: For a lot of your sentences, I wondered what something had to do with something else. Go over your sentences and ask yourself one part of the sentence has to do with the other.

PM me for anything at all.

-alwaysawriter

angelcat2958 & alwaysawriter:

WOW. You guys are awesome! This must have taken you awhile to correct and I apologize for that

But I just corrected all of your pointers, taking both of your thoughts in mind and hopefully this version is better...hopefully

Well, thank you SO very much. To both of you. It was a big help and if either of you ever need something reviewed, you just let me know!

WOW! This is such an improvement! I had to laugh when I read some of my suggestions in your story. It's nice to see someone accept criticism as well as you do.
That said, the last thing I want to do is re-correct you, but I a few things caught my eye.

It was one of those things he couldn’t control, which made him feel odd.

I would remove the section I underlined.

It was three weeks until they both graduated months before the rest of their class.

I know this is a part you already edited. I still think It is confusing. I don't know if they are graduating literally a few months before everyone else or if they are younger than everyone else.
I would simply say...

It was three weeks until they both graduated high school.

WOW! This is such an improvement! I had to laugh when I read some of my suggestions in your story. It's nice to see someone accept criticism as well as you do.
That said, the last thing I want to do is re-correct you, but a few things caught my eye.

It was one of those things he couldn’t control, which made him feel odd.

I would remove the section I underlined.

It was three weeks until they both graduated months before the rest of their class.

I know this is a part you already edited. I still think It is confusing. I don't know if they are graduating literally a few months before everyone else or if they are younger than everyone else.
I would simply say...

It was three weeks until they both graduated high school.

He was headed in no particular direction, letting his feet unconsciously guide him as his brain dwelled on the past few hours.
Shoving his hands deep into his pockets, he shuddered in the icy breeze. He felt the coming snow, as if he could already feel the icy snowflakes landing on his cheeks. It was one of those things he couldn’t control, which made him feel odd. He always had things in control, everything worked out to the way he wanted it—his future, his goals, even his girlfriend…or so he thought. He had discovered only moments ago that he wasn’t as in control as he thought he was.

“That isn’t so hard to forget, Tony.”

I think you mean "that's hard to forget."
“You saw things distancing between us. Even I can’t deny it, even though I want so much for things to go back (to the way) they were.

I believe this is a little misleading. He's been dwelling on the past few hours, but it only happened moments ago.

But “liar” never fit in with the rest but there it was, glaring red in front of his eyes as if written across his line of vision with a Sharpie.

run-on sentence. Here's my suggestion...

[s]But[/s] “liar”(remove quotes) had never [s]fit in with the rest[/s] come to mind(,)[s] but[/s] yet there it was, glaring red in front of his eyes(,) as if written across his line of vision with a Sharpie.

Even that did not excite him like it did before. With her face missing from the crowd, all hunger for the game was lost

You need a period, but I do love that wording! *just playing*

She had to fess up, to pay her dues.

Replace "to" with "and".

He had just finished showering after practice, the locker room empty for he had stayed after to work on some moves with Coach Johnson.

Your punctuation is in the wrong places. Also, AI feel as though your trying to explain yourself, like your not supposed to be there. Try this...

He had just finished showering after yet another tiring practice. The locker room seeming to be empty.

Running his fingers through his hair, not bothering to pull on a shirt, he left the bathroom to greet her.

This sounds a little like rambling, not to mention you said he was in the locker room not the bathroom. Try changing this to...

He quickly ran his fingers through his hair, and left the locker room to greet her, not bothering to pull on a shirt.

Something like that.

Frowning, bewildered, he looked down the last aisle and felt the world disappear beneath his feet.

Pick one or the other.

He had just finished showering after practice, the locker room empty for he had stayed after to work on some moves with Coach Johnson. He had just pulled on his jeans, staring vacantly into the mirror as he dressed, when he heard that seductive laugh. He knew it anywhere and the first thought that popped into his head was what is Darci doing in the boy’s locker room? He beamed when he realized that she was probably looking for him. Running his fingers through his hair, not bothering to pull on a shirt, he left the bathroom to greet her. Not seeing her right away, he continued down the aisle of lockers. The laugh echoed again. Frowning, bewildered, he looked down the last aisle and felt the world disappear beneath his feet.

You need to clear up where he is. I don't understand if he's in the bathroom or in the locker room. At first you say he in showering in the locker room, but then, that he is leaving the bathroom. Try clearing this up.

bathing him a pearly sheen of white light.

Nice.

He had never considered the million other pathways life could hold for him but now, walking along Diamond Cross Drive, he let his eyes wander to these other pathways.

I would replace eyes with mind.

Tony frowned and chose not to reply, continuing his walk.

I think it would add a little something if you wrote "continuing at slightly slow pace."
Just a suggestion, your sentence sounds fine.

He didn’t bother pushing it away. He was too agitated with the person sitting only inches to his left to care about much else.
She felt herself ripping at the seams.

I like how you switch point of view here. It makes the story more interesting.

the way he locked his legs and how his usual hip-swagger-walk,

Here's my suggestion...

and the cocky way he swung his hips

She had never meant to follow Gary to the locker room; she hadn’t meant to fall for his [s]good-boy charm.[/s] boyish charm

The cuffs of his varsity jacket brushed her wrist and she longed to wear it, as she usually did every day after school. “Do you remember the first day we met?”

“I was such a dork.” Images flashed through her mind—Tony crashing into her plate of food smearing a combination of ketchup, potato salad, and ranch dressing onto his new, starch-white dress shirt, and then her adding paper napkins to the mix as she tried to clean it off.

I know what your trying to say, but I would just simply say his white, dress shirt, or new, white shirt. Your over describing the shirt.

It was hard to think of her as [s]not his[/s]anything but his girlfriend,[s]not[/s] the girl he could just turn and kiss, embrace, without a second thought.

“I love you, Tony,” she whispered, and it made him pause, remembering three good years full of memories, but only for a moment because those three years were up.

I liked they way you had this before. Like this...

“I love you, Tony,” she whispered, and it made him pause, [s]remembering three good years full of memories,[/s] but only for a moment [s]because those three years were up[/s].

Whew... Well, that was a bit more than a few. The story IS a real improvement. Sorry I got a little lazy there, at the end of my review, but I'm getting tired and was seriously considering, finishing it tomorrow. I'll get grammar nut (aka alwaysawriter, and I'm aloud to call her that because she's my best friend and she knows I love her!...just in case she reads this...xD) on tomorrow. Well, I'm going to bed. good luck.

Hey Ash. Wow, so I think your critiques are already covered? Maybe? Anyway, I guess I'll just state my opinion - loved it. Your beginning, as always, was flippin great. However - cue Beetoven's fifth - I didn't like how long it took for me, as teh reader, to know what the MC's name was. My advice would be to use Tony from the beginning.

I know. I'm so helpful. But I really am short on time, and I can't say anymore !

KJ

I forgot about this for a while because I was busy and it was AngelCat's Dad's birthday so she didn't call or e-mail me to tell me to review this. Thanks for the grammar nut comment, AngelCat, payback is comming. (I'll sing and never stop then keep singing in voicemails til your box is filled up) *laughs hysterically*

But “liar” never fit in with the rest but there it was,

Using But twice in a sentence sounds repeatitive. Maybe take out the first one.

With her face missing from the crowd, all hunger for the game was lost

Period at the end.

He had just finished showering after practice, the locker room empty for he had stayed after to work on some moves with Coach Johnson. He had just pulled on his jeans,

Repeatitve here too. Maybe take out one of the Justs.

what is Darci doing in the boy’s locker room?

Capitalize the W in What.

not bothering to pull on a shirt, he left the bathroom to greet her. Not seeing her right away,

Repeatitive again with Not. Maybe reword one of the sentences.

brushed her wrist and she longed to wear

brushed her wrist and she longed to wear it

Tony crashing into her plate of food

Comma.

Tony crashing into her plate of food smearing a combination of ketchup, potato salad, and ranch dressing onto his new, starch-white dress shirt,

Wouldn't she have at least a little bit of food on her, since she was holding the tray?

Even I can’t deny it, even though I want so much for things to go back they were.

The Even sounds repeatitive. Maybe find another word for it or take one of them out completly.

I didn't point out the conjuctions because I know they were used for effect.

(The next part is copied and pasted from my last review because I still feel the same way about the characters minus a few things that I changed)

Tony

I liked that he seemed like a good guy and that he really seemed to want to forgive her.

However, he shouldn’t even care. She had been the one in the wrong. She had to fess up, to pay her dues. He was done feeling sorry for himself.

Better.

Darci

She was okay. I liked her character and she seemed like a well enough person, minus what happend. Like I said with Tony, there wasn't anything interesting about her.

Suggestions and Overall
It was much better, like AngelCat said.
You need to work on not repeating things (in this case, words) so I think this site may be able to help http://thesaurus.reference.com


PM me for anthing at all.

-alwaysawriter

angelcat2958 & alwayswriter:

Again, you guys are awesome! I promise to continue making corrections...I just can't right now cause I'm short on time

But I promise to make them!

Thanks so much to both of you! Your reviews were much appreciated!

KJ:

Wow, Kels, you are too sweet! That was so nice of you. I'm glad you liked it. And I'm glad you took the time to read it. And I will work on the name thing. I was wondering about that last night but I'm glad someone pointed it out cause now I will actually change it

Thanks so much!

*edited majorly again*

Ashley-
That was so sad! And yet so good.
The way you describe the scenery, especially the fall leaves, is just amazing.
I felt sorry for Tony that Darci cheated on him. He seemed like a nice guy.
But I was surprised that he actually kissed her towards the end. Yet I knew they couldn't be together.
So Ashley, this was a heart warming story. {To me at least.}
Like I said before, you are a one of a kind writer.
-Merry

oh wow,

this was so sad. i hate reading stuff like this, but sometime, you need to read stuff like this to know the love is not all fun and game.

i like this short story. it's really good.


Night Mistress.

Merry_Haven:

You are too sweet!

Thanks a bunch for reading!

Night Mistress:

Yeah, sometimes you have to write from that point of view to. It was hard for me to write because I hate reading and writing stuff like this too!

Thank so much for taking the time to read this!

Awh
so cute
I love short stories like this
and yours was good
better the good
I think the way you discribed things fit almost perfectly with the mood of the story
The only thing that annoyed me was that for the first to paragraphs almost every sentance began with He
Overall I thought this was a great story
and a great read
XD

This was a very descriptive piece. You painted each scene intricately, and I liked that about the story. What I didn't quite understand was that the scene that you picked left the reader going 'What happened before that? Then what happened?' It felt like the middle of the story rather than the whole thing. Also, you did a lot of 'telling' instead of 'showing'. (Though I know this can be hard when it is telling from Tony's memories...) Tony seemed to be a really sweet character, and your writing was very vivid. Overall, I'd say it was a good read!

-Ember