The Vampires Kiss (chapter 2)

7 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1476
Reviews 20
The Vampires Kiss

Over the next few weeks he came in everyday at the same time and had a scotch everyday and then left silently in the blink of an eye, always leaving me with that empty feeling when I saw his vacant chair. I did manage to get a little more information out of him in the hours we spent alone together before the regulars came in. His name was Lucas and he didn’t live in Manchester he just was here on business, when I asked what he did I saw him visibly stiffen but he simply said that it was nothing very interesting.
We continued in this same routine for the next few days him sitting at the bar and me trying to get as much information out of him as I could. Lucas fascinated me I would spend the time we spent together just watching him, studying his movements, listening to that beautifully strange voice.
‘What are you looking at?’ He asked suddenly one day, we were sat alone as usual and I hadn’t realised but I was staring at him, well his skin to be precise. It was amazing, flawless and so pale it was slightly translucent. I had never notice before then but there was radiance about him, it was like his skin had a slight glow. It took me a second to gather my thoughts and rake my eyes from his skin
‘Sorry Lucas, I wasn’t staring at you’ I lied ‘just daydreaming’ then he did something I never expected him to do, he laughed. In the weeks I had sat watching him I hadn’t even seen him crack a smile never mind laugh; it was a loud barking laugh that startled me slightly, so unlike his quiet calm voice.
‘What?’ I asked confused by his strange reaction
After he had composed himself he explained his response ‘Comfort you are a very bad liar, I have seen you watching me over these past few weeks, your fascination growing’ his eyes twinkled as he said this
‘Well you’re a fascinating man Lucas, so mysterious’ I replied ‘and I think you secretly quite like the attention’ he just winked in response. Were we flirting? The dark, brooding man who had walked into my bar just a few weeks ago, the man that sat silently nursing a scotch each night was flirting with me, the night had taken a very strange turn. He just opened his mouth to say something, but when someone walked in he just winked at me instead, I couldn’t help but be disappointed.
From then on we flirted like that until someone else came into the bar then he went back to his silent drinking and even more silent exits. After about a week of our flirting started he came at his usual time and but stopped in the doorway staring at me
‘What on earth are you doing?’ I he asked still in the doorway, I had to laugh; I was stood on a chair in the middle of the bar
‘I’m changing a light bulb, what does it look like?’ I replied still laughing
‘Well it looks dangerous to me’ in that subtle quiet voice that always gave me butterflies
‘I’ll be fine, you worry too much’ I responded ‘pass me that bulb on the bar’ he walked over to the bar, his footsteps echoing across the room. When he handed me the bulb our hands touched and I felt my whole body tingle as his skin came in contact with mine, he quickly pulled his hand away. He looked at me so intensely with his dazzling black eyes that all of a sudden my knees went weak and I lost my balance falling off the chair. Then I was I his arms, he had caught me
‘Comfort, are you okay?’ there was genuine concern in his voice
‘Yeah I’m fine’ my voice was shaking ‘thanks to your amazingly quick reactions’ he simply smiled and he took me to the bar and placed me on his usual chair and walking round behind the bar
‘What are you doing?’ I asked calming down a bit more now
‘I’m fixing you a drink, you need one after that shock and your not working tonight I’ll cover for you’ he replied, I just smiled, to shaken to argue. It was strange to be on the other side of the bar, watching Lucas serving my regulars moving between each so fluidly taking each of their orders and pouring the drinks seemingly without effort.
As the last person left the bar I couldn’t help but smile, I was alone with Lucas again and closer to him than I had ever been before.
‘You did well tonight, which leads me to think I’ve figured out what this boring job you do is’ I said
‘Oh yes and what would that be then? He asked smirking slightly at my compliment
‘Well considering your expertise behind the bar I think you’re a spy from a rival establishment here to check out the competition’ I replied softly because in what seemed like a blink of an eye he was standing right over me. I could smell the whiskey on his breath, which was hot against my face and I thought that my knees would once again give up on me. I reached up to feel the stubble on his chin and my whole arm tingled. He had both hands on my waist pulling me close so our bodies were touching; my heart was pounding in my chest so hard I was sure he could feel it.
‘Well if that’s true then this would be fraternising with the enemy then wouldn’t it?’ he breathed running his hand down the back of my neck and pulling even me closer so our lips gently brushed. He pulled away smiling
‘You’re cruel’ I said my heart still pounding in my chest and my breath catching in my throat. He just grinned cheekily at me and said ‘well I can put a stop to that’ pulling me in and kissing me this time. My hands slid down from his face and I unbuttoned his shirt sliding it down off his board shoulders, his muscle were perfectly defined by the pearly white skin stretched across his chest.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 16
Fantastic. That really gave me goose bumps. Your imagery is great, i can really picture the pub. There are a few mistakes grammar wise but nothing major. I do have one problem that is driving me crazy! Where you have put speech in you do this....

‘Sorry Lucas, I wasn’t staring at you’ AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!! Please change the speech marks around! I don't know if that is the right way to use them or not but i really hate it, it really makes my skin crawl. I don't know why that annoys me so much but it really does and it makes me really annoyed to see them like that. They remind me of flies, flies and pigeons and high school musical and car adverts and whatever else is annoying to the point of driving me to insanity!

Anyway great story PPLEASE post the next bit soon i'm dieing to know what happens! Also just change the little thing i pointed out and i will be ecstatic! Keep writing i want to know more!

lozzen xx




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 208
Whoa. I gotta read more to this.
There's nothing much I can say besides there were a few times where you forgot periods. Other words...AMAZING!!!
I thought the light bulb would break and give Comfort cuts and Lucas would...well you know. Their flirtations are cute, maybe you should do more. Because I really like them.
Okay, when I read the last paragraph, I was like...wow. I so gotta read chapter 3.
and so again...just amazing.
-Merry




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 24
this is much better than the first part! This adds more tension and I can just imagine the characters flirting with each other!
I love this, its great!
The pupil who is never required to do what he cannot do never does what he can do.

Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 203
This is ok, it starts slowing down, but then again that's just me. Sorry Anyways, I think this is going very slow and I'm lready yelling at the computer. If the computer were you, I would shake you.

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 267
Wow, wow. The end... :wink: I like it.

Well same mistakes in the first chapter. You really need to work on your punctuation, etc. because in the end, it doesn't matter if the storyline is good. It's the spelling and grammar and punctuation that makes the book.
Just those two things: Creativity and your knowledge of the language in which you write it.

The entire 'setting' of chapter 2 is good. I love it. I also love what is happening between them and the end... :wink:

So again, please make sure you punctuation etc. is correct.
All in all, I like it. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :wink:
Look at my big shiny shell...




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
Over the next few weeks he came in everyday at the same time and had a scotch everyday and then left silently in the blink of an eye, always leaving me with that empty feeling when I saw his vacant chair. I did manage to get a little more information out of him in the hours we spent alone together before the regulars came in. His name was Lucas and he didn’t live in Manchester he just was here on business, when I asked what he did I saw him visibly stiffen but he simply said that it was nothing very interesting.

It sort of sounds weird saying everyday twice in the same sentence and it also sounds odd saying ‘and’ twice in the same sentence. Oh, by the way, thanks for telling us his name, finally.

We continued in this same routine for the next few days him sitting at the bar and me trying to get as much information out of him as I could. Lucas fascinated me I would spend the time we spent together just watching him, studying his movements, listening to that beautifully strange voice.

‘What are you looking at?’ He asked suddenly one day, we were sat alone as usual and I hadn’t realised but I was staring at him, well his skin to be precise. It was amazing, flawless and so pale it was slightly translucent. I had never notice before then but there was radiance about him, it was like his skin had a slight glow. It took me a second to gather my thoughts and rake my eyes from his skin

Full stop at the end of that paragraph.

‘Sorry Lucas, I wasn’t staring at you,’ I lied ‘just daydreaming’

Then he did something I never expected him to do, he laughed. In the weeks I had sat watching him I hadn’t even seen him crack a smile never mind laugh; it was a loud barking laugh that startled me slightly, so unlike his quiet calm voice.

I like how his laugh is nothing like you would expect.

‘What?’ I asked confused by his strange reaction

Full stop.

After he had composed himself he explained his response ‘Comfort you are a very bad liar, I have seen you watching me over these past few weeks, your fascination growing’

His eyes twinkled as he said this

Comma after response. Full stop after growing. Full stop after this.

‘Well you’re a fascinating man Lucas, so mysterious’ I replied ‘and I think you secretly quite like the attention’ he just winked in response. Were we flirting? The dark, brooding man who had walked into my bar just a few weeks ago, the man that sat silently nursing a scotch each night was flirting with me, the night had taken a very strange turn. He just opened his mouth to say something, but when someone walked in he just winked at me instead, I couldn’t help but be disappointed.

From then on we flirted like that until someone else came into the bar then he went back to his silent drinking and even more silent exits. After about a week of our flirting started he came at his usual time and but stopped in the doorway staring at me

Full stop after me.

‘What on earth are you doing?’ I he asked still in the doorway, I had to laugh; I was stood on a chair in the middle of the bar

Get rid of the ‘I’. Full stop in place of the comma after doorway. I think it would sound better like this; I was standing on a chair in the middle of the bar. Full stop after bar.

‘I’m changing a light bulb, what does it look like?’ I replied still laughing

Full stop after laughing.

‘Well it looks dangerous to me’ in that subtle quiet voice that always gave me butterflies

Full stop after me. Full stop after butterflies.

‘I’ll be fine, you worry too much’ I responded ‘pass me that bulb on the bar’

he walked over to the bar, his footsteps echoing across the room. When he handed me the bulb our hands touched and I felt my whole body tingle as his skin came in contact with mine, he quickly pulled his hand away. He looked at me so intensely with his dazzling black eyes that all of a sudden my knees went weak and I lost my balance falling off the chair. Then I was I his arms, he had caught me

Capital ‘H’ for he. Full stop after me.

‘Comfort, are you okay?’ there was genuine concern in his voice

Full stop after voice.

‘Yeah I’m fine’ my voice was shaking ‘thanks to your amazingly quick reactions’ he simply smiled and he took me to the bar and placed me on his usual chair and walking round behind the bar

Full stop after bar, why do you never have full stops?

‘What are you doing?’ I asked calming down a bit more now

Another full stop after now.

‘I’m fixing you a drink, you need one after that shock and your not working tonight I’ll cover for you’ he replied.

Full stop after tonight.

I just smiled, to shaken to argue. It was strange to be on the other side of the bar, watching Lucas serving my regulars moving between each so fluidly taking each of their orders and pouring the drinks seemingly without effort.

As the last person left the bar I couldn’t help but smile, I was alone with Lucas again and closer to him than I had ever been before.

‘You did well tonight, which leads me to think I’ve figured out what this boring job you do is’ I said

Full stop after is.

‘Oh yes and what would that be then? He asked smirking slightly at my compliment

Full stop after compliment.

‘Well considering your expertise behind the bar I think you’re a spy from a rival establishment here to check out the competition’ I replied softly because in what seemed like a blink of an eye he was standing right over me.

Full stop after competition.

I could smell the whiskey on his breath, which was hot against my face and I thought that my knees would once again give up on me. I reached up to feel the stubble on his chin and my whole arm tingled. He had both hands on my waist pulling me close so our bodies were touching; my heart was pounding in my chest so hard I was sure he could feel it.

‘Well if that’s true then this would be fraternising with the enemy then wouldn’t it?’ he breathed running his hand down the back of my neck and pulling even me closer so our lips gently brushed. He pulled away smiling

Full stop after smiling.

‘You’re cruel’ I said my heart still pounding in my chest and my breath catching in my throat.

He just grinned cheekily at me and said ‘well I can put a stop to that’ pulling me in and kissing me this time. My hands slid down from his face and I unbuttoned his shirt sliding it down off his board shoulders, his muscle were perfectly defined by the pearly white skin stretched across his chest.

I liked the last line.



I don't really like this, i'm trying to help you make your grammar better but I don't really like your style so I can't help with that.



Never forget how special this site is: the older I get, the more I realize how many lonely writers there are who have only family and maybe some friends to read their works. The fact we get free critique, nightly writing pads, free contests and unlimited interaction at *no cost* with people genuinely wanting to help, can not be overstated or overrated
— Messenger