The Mansion chapter 1

THE NEW MANSION



The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. That's a good first sentence, but I'd avoid repeating beautiful. It was a strikingly beautiful Avoid beautiful again day in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them. I like that bit about the birds, it's good


I adjusted my reading-specs and stared at the old, much used book in my hands. Hahah I love this sentence The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it… Gazing throughout the room and No need for and here I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute, it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.I'm a tad confused at that sentence. It smelled like fish guts in the mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…I found that line hilarious, but would you buy a house from a catalogue in the 1940's?

My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did. I like that line

I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All the cleaning equipment was kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.:)


The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. Again I found this sentence hilarious I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots. I am really fond of that sentence, the thought of a genius amongst lesser minds I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, He stands up a lot doesn't he? when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. Whatshername.


“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.

“Salburgy,” She aided

“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore blindingly colourful clothes. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her. I love this bit

“Well hello to you too Jacques!” I adore that name, Jacques she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.

“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face. Hahah I can just imagine this

“Well Jacques…” she started.

“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.

“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.

“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone

“Well it is a cake of course!”

“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly.This is a bit muddled here. My curiosity was rising.

“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.


After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake, I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! No need for exclamation mark here I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room my eyes half closed in excitement, but when I opened my eyes I saw no cake on the table just the empty box. I looked around and stumbled across the whole living room! I found nothing. I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.

Scratch!

Clob.

Munch, munch.

I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!

Munch, munch, munch

I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.

I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake!

I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.

The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”






I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end

As you've said it needs some editing but overall I liked it. Some of your description is great and some of the lines are hilarious (in a good way of course!) Keep working on it, pm me or just write in the thread thing that I created when you want me to review something else
-Kirsten x

The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. It was a strikingly beautiful day in January,

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I would suggest you find another word, for variety.
Also, I would omit 'very' from the first sentence. It actually weakens the sentence.

The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte.

You don't need the colon.

...front, with engraved golden letters over it…

I would change this to read "and engraved gold letters." It's more to the point and has more impact.

it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.

I'm reading double 0.0

It smelled like fish guts int he mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…

'in the'. Again, you don't need the colon.

My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.

The second part of this sentence is rather weak. I suggest you rearrange it to something like this- excluding the arm chair and couch.

Hey there Lord Anzius! Here as requested. I am one of the harsher reviewers on this site, so don't be offended by my comments.

The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. It was a strikingly beautiful day in January, and I was very bored. I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them.

A few points:

-Take out the 'very' before the first 'beautiful' in the first sentence. You don't need it and it's redundant because 'beautiful' is already a superlative.
-'Blindingly' adds alliteration and makes it sound poetic to the point of ludicrousness. It's over-doing it a bit, don't you think?
-I like the allusion to the birds. It's a bit overdone but it works here.
-Take out the whole 'It was a strikingly beautiful day in January, and I was very bored.' This just slows it down.

Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?

You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things. Saying that the main character was bored is the most fatal mistake you can make.

One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.

I adjusted my reading-specs and stared at the old, much used book in my hands.

It should be, 'reading spectacles.' Abbreviating spectacles to specs makes it seem to colloquial for this style. And you don't need a hyphon.

Also, I think that you should change, 'old, much used.' It doesn't really flow. I'd change it to, 'the ancient, tattered book in my hands.' Because then, instead of telling the reader it's much used, you're showing them, by saying it's tattered.

The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte. The book was actually very fascinating with its true stories, and shining hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it…

Get rid of that whole quote. If the detail isn't going to advance the story, you shouldn't have it in. It just seems like useless rambling.

Gazing throughout the room and I let out a great frustrated sigh; everything was broken and torn apart, the furniture was old and awful, the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute, it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.

You have some good ideas here, but they need to be rephrased. There's some grammar mistakes and the sentence structure's wrong. I've edited it for you. I've taken out the last part; t'was insignificant. Note my use of semi-colons and the way I broke up the sentence:

'I gazed throughout the room, letting out a great frustrated sigh. Everything was broken and torn apart; the furniture was old and awful and the ceiling looked like it would collapse any minute.'

"IIt smelled like fish guts int he mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…

You have apostrophes for some reason, before the word it. The first sentence is messed up. I'm not sure why you are using the simile of 'fish guts', it seems completely out of context. One minute your writing style is all sophisticated and then you revert to 'fish guts'. Also, as Kirsten pointed out, they would not be buying a house from a catalogue in that day and age.

My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.

Replace the comma with a semi-colon.

I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All the cleaning equipment was kept there. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.

You don't need so much detail of all his actions. Cut this down a bit.

Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb some more, but all still idiots.

Comma after 'dumb'.

I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. Whatshername.

Comma after neighbour.

“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly.

You asked in a quickly? I think you're missing a word here. Maybe you meant, "I asked quickly."

Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake!
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”

I'm going to be honest with you. This whole dialogue sounded completely immature, and the onomatopaeia made it sound like something an eight-year-old could write. You're a good writer, so why did it suddenly go downhill in the last part? You can obviously do better, I know you can! Definitely get rid of that part. Please.


OVERALL

Characterisation : You seem to have problems with this. None of your characters personality is coming across. All we really know about him is that he reads long books, and that he likes cake. Hardly a way to start. You need to find a way to manouevre characterisation into the piece. Show how exactly he interacts with other characters. Is he nervous? confident? somewhere in the middle?
I know it's the first chapter, but it's here that it's essential you bring across your character to the reader, because otherwise they will have nobody to empathize with but a 2D protagonist, and will put the book down.

Show, Don't Tell. : You have these massive info dumps that don't mean anything. That whole cake scenario was meaningless, as was the cleaning thing. Neither of these advanced the story.
How to show instead of telling:

1. Use Dialogue. Dialogue allows the reader to experience a scene as if they were there.\
2. Use sensory language. In order for readers to fully experience what you’re writing about, they need to be able to see, hear, taste, smell and touch the world around them. Try to use language that incorporates several senses, not just sight.
3. Be Descriptive.
4. Be Specific, not Vague.


I'm sorry for the harsh review, Anzius. I really enjoyed this and I like your writing style. It's refreshing and original. You just need to develop your character and figure out where this story is going.
I'll critique the other chapter in a bit; that is if you can bear to face Sarah's Slaughtering again.

Good luck.

Sarah
x

Quote:
The view was very beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the east hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly beautiful glow. It was a strikingly beautiful day in January,


Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I would suggest you find another word, for variety.
Also, I would omit 'very' from the first sentence. It actually weakens the sentence.

Quote:
The title of the book was: The Ventures of Napoleon Bonaparte.

You don't need the colon.

Quote:
...front, with engraved golden letters over it…

I would change this to read "and engraved gold letters." It's more to the point and has more impact.

Quote:
it had holes it even had holes in it at some spots.

I'm reading double 0.0

Quote:
It smelled like fish guts int he mansion. As I was cursing the world I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…

'in the'. Again, you don't need the colon.

Quote:
My furniture was mostly second hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.

The second part of this sentence is rather weak. I suggest you rearrange it to something like this- excluding the arm chair and couch.

I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. All the cleaning equipment was kept there.

The 'all the cleaning equipment was kept there.' isn't needed. It's not vital information, and closets often hold this kind of equipment. The fact he pulls a mop out of it is enough.

The toilet was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller cup, which you were supposed to do your deeds in.

You don't have to emphasize 'very'. And also, it would be called a bathroom, considering it has no toilet. Also, you go in a pot, or even better, a chamberpot, not a cup.
If it were a cup, and you needed to pee, can you imagine the mess?

let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. At the door there was my new neighbour Mrs. Whatshername.

'the door' is used twice within two words of each other. Rearrange for variety.
Comma after 'neighbour', remove 'there' and 'great'. It flows better without them.

she wore blindingly colourful clothes.

The use of 'blindingly' reminds me too much of the start.

“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.

“What gives me this delightful privilege to meet you on this sunny day?”

'delightful' is used twice, try re-wording.

the ´big` bag

No emphasis is needed here.

“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked in a quickly. My curiosity was rising.

Huh? Read that. You see the problem?

“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and were quiet from my ears.

I suggest you rephrase this, as it is clumsy and not very effective. 'her words faded from my hearing' perhaps?

I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen!

You don't need an exclamation mark here.

I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room my eyes half closed in excitement, but when I opened my eyes I saw no cake on the table just the empty box. I looked around and stumbled across the whole living room!

I don't like 'hippity hopped'. It's too peter rabbit for my taste.
Well, your flow isn't great here. I suggest you read your piece through, and add commas where you naturally want to pause, and full stops at the end of an idea.
So I would re-write it as this-

I took a spoon and rushed back to the living room, my eyes half closed it excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.

I shot up from the table listened and there it was again!

I shot up from the table and listened. There it was again.

I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.

I don't think you can walk firmly. Firmly describing a pressure, and this just doesn't fit. Try another word.

I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake!

Okay, here's the thing- don't use exclamation marks outside of dialogue. Otherwise a prefectly good sentence becomes over-emphasized, and therefore becomes rather cheezy.

I saw a small, human-like figure on the ground, busily eating what I expected was cake. My cake.

The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”

Okay, I'm a firm believer in Terry Pratchett's theory that multiple exclamation marks is a sign of insanity. Not saying you're insane, but it makes your character give off that vibe to me.
Also, if he had already jumped, he wouldn't have time to speak before being landed on.



Overall, this was alright. I wasn't completely drawn in, afterall, it's just about a guy who lost his cake. Not exactly epic, wouldn't you agree?
The main character could use some work. What does he look like? What's his attitude on life? All I know is he's bad at buying homes, is messy, impatient with elderly women, and loves cake. I would like to know more about him.
Please, enough with the exclamation marks. They aren't neccesary.
Once you have fixed these points up, and the ones mentioned by the others, you may have an alright beginning.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me, I'm happy to help.

-Nutty

The view was beautiful, as the sun was just rising from the eastcomma hitting the snow, making a bright, blindingly breathtaking glow.

"bright, blindingly breathtaking" is a bit much. I feel like I'm looking at a spectacularily iced, stuffy cake, or some rich woman's diamonds. Excessive and gaudy.

It was a strikingly nice day in January,

That's pretty much just repeating what you described in the last sentence.

and I was [s]very [/s]bored.

'Very' is a word to be avoided at all costs.
And I'd consider making it, "but I was very bored," because the first and second parts of the sentence don't otherwise relate.

I sighed, looking at the birds flying to the south; away from the cold winter, wishing that I could have been one of them.

"Wishing that I could be one of them." Make sure your verb tenses are consistent.

The book was actually [s]very [/s]fascinatingcomma with its true stories, and shiningcomma hand painted picture of Napoleon on the front, with engraved golden letters over it…

"Hand-painted." Maybe 'cover' instead of just 'front.'

it even had holes[s] on it [/s]at some spots.

It's a little wordy. I'm gonna come back to that at the end.

It smelled rotten in the mansion. As I was cursing the worldcomma I cursed myself for buying a house from a catalogue called: A builder’s dream…

The catalogue should be italicized. I might also switch 'house' and 'mansion', so that it's: "It smelled rotten in the house... cursed myself for buying a mansion from a catalogue..."

My furniture was mostly second-hand and did not really match, my arm chair and couch were the only things that did.

You already described the furniture. These extra details are superfluous.


I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.

The bathroom was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller chamberpot, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. It was my new neighbour, Mrs. Whatshername.

“Hello Mrs.…” the words automatically burst out of my mouth.
“Salburgy,” She aided
“Mrs. Salburgy.” I nodded. She was a fairly round woman. Her hair was grey and she wore colourful clothes, they were truly a eyesore. She had a small round hat that had handmade pictures of flowers on it. She used an overpowering perfume that made people feel ill around her.
“Well hello to you too Jacques!” she said in a delightful tone, smiling from ear to ear.
“What gives me the privilege to meet you on this sunny day?” I asked while wearing a false smile on my face.
“Well Jacques…” she started.
“Please call me Jack,” I interrupted.
“Oh! Very well then. Last time when I came to visit you I forgot to give you this.” She picked a box out from the ´big` bag that she carried around everywhere.
“What is that?” I asked in a dull but curious tone
“Well it is a cake of course!”
“Ooh! What kind of cake could it be?” I asked quickly. My curiosity was rising.
“Well. It is a chocolate cake that has…” the rest of her words travelled to the distance and her words faded from my hearing. I could feel the drool dripping on my shirt while I looked at the box, I hoped that Mrs. Salburgy didn't notice. I hadn’t had a real meal in days. Aah! I just wanted to taste that beautiful cake even once… Now I loved the lady because she had brought that salvation to me but I hated her because she did not give it to me and leave, but just kept yapping how she made it.

After a while the lady had left and I had gotten my cake. I returned to the living room and started to open the box. As I opened it I started to smell a very delightfully chocolately smell, that went through my nose straight to my brain where it made me feel very happy and warm. I stood up and almost ran to the kitchen! I took a spoon and hippity-hopped back to the living room, my eyes half closed in excitement. I opened my eyes in greedy anticipation and stopped in my tracks. The cake was gone, leaving just an empty box. In a panic, I searched the room desperately, but no cake was found.
I sat down on the table my face in my hands and cursed the whole damn world.
Scratch!
Clob.
Munch, munch.
I shot up from the table listened. There it was again.
Munch, munch, munch
I walked towards the noise slowly but firmly.
I saw a small human-like figure on the ground eating something that I expected being the cake. My cake.
I crouched, like a lion ready to strike. I jumped.
The small figure looked up at me and let out a cry “Oh Bugger!!”





I still need some editing to be done but I still have to complete the script for the book and then I'm still working on the fourth chapter so let us see what will come of this book in the end [/quote]

Hey Lord Anzius! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this, but I'm here now, so I'll get on it asap.

I have to say, I had no real problems with the piece until Ms Salburgy brings in the cake. It was some great description, and it did move rather slow, but I think that mirrors the boredom in the narrator's life...not sure if it's on purpose, but I think it works. And it wasn't too long or boring, but just enough to introduce us to the scene. Anyway...liked it. Good job!

The cake scene though...it's weird. And not in the good way. Jack is positively salivating over the cake, which in itself is really unrealistic (even if this *is* fantasy, it's weird). And then you say I hadn't eaten a real meal in days... Well, why not? It's not like he doesn't have time; he's been reading books about Napoleon. I think the section could be toned down a bit, but still letting us readers know how much he wanted it, you know? He doesn't have to be *literally* drooling.

And, the ending. It was cute! Although I'm not sure if that's what you were going for. But it actually made me giggle.

I think the biggest problem with this chapter is that it feels too rushed. I think you squeezed too much into too little words. I mean, I like the way you began, as I said above, but then the character goes all wonky over a cake (which isn't really a real meal anyway). And then there's some weird little cake-stealing creature. And I know it's fantasy, but it's still too much. I think if you stretched it out, maybe gave us more history on Jack, the cake and the creature wouldn't seem so dropped in and rapid as they did here.

Looking forward to the next bit! PM me if you have questions or whatever.
-Mars

Most everything has been covered for this chapter but I did have one thing to point out that I don't think anyone else picked up.

I sat up and walked to the door that led to my closet. I opened the door and grabbed a mop, took a small bucket and some liquid soap. I manoeuvred my way through the piles of garbage in the living room and went to the door that led to my downstairs bathroom. I went in and filled my bucket with water. I could only take a small amount because of the rules of the little town. The town's water supplies were low because of the war that had just ended: this was one of the reasons why I wanted to move away from the mansion. But I didn't have the money anymore, and my new workplace was just a few hundred meters away.

Typically before one would mop a floor they would pick up the trash and sweep too. If you are going to have him clean then make sure he does it in the right order. You can't mop if there is stuff all over the floor.

The bathroom was ´very` filthy and it had only a shower, small sink and an even smaller chamberpot, which you were supposed to do your deeds in. I walked back to my chair and sat on it. I looked at my left hand side and lifted two other books: “Who Was Alexander The Great?” and “The Reign of Julius Caesar”. Two persons who were capable of tactical thinking surrounded by a bunch of idiots, some less dumb, some more, but all still idiots. I yawned and was just about to sit on my chair again, when I heard a knock on the door. I let out a great groan, stood up and tumbled to the door. It was my new neighbour, Mrs. Whatshername.

Okay, whatever happened to the mopping of the floor? One minute he's like, I need to clean and then the next minute he is looking at books. And then he is at the door talking to his neighbor. If you're going to have him get distracted from mopping then have him clean that filthy bathroom. I kept waiting for him to mop something and when it didn't happen I wondered why you even put that part into your story.


I had a lot more to put in, but most everyone covered it already so I'll let it go.