Switching Off

Beep,
Time ticks with new found uncertainty,
Once confident in seconds to minutes to hours,
In hours to days to weeks,
Now nothing steadies it’s passing.

Beep,
Too late for apology
All attempts fall on empty ears,
Or dry up, worthless, on the sorrowful tongue,
With the sudden fragility of life.

Beep,
Should have told him,
Should have been there,
Should have stopped it.

Beep,
Helplessness covers all like an old blanket,
Useless to preserve what little warmth is left.

Beep,
Why now?
Why me?

Beep,
Why him?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
Alone:
The true meaning is lost
On those with someone to cling to.

Hi! I liked this, although there are a few things I would change.

Sometimes when you get repetition at the beginning of each stanza it can be incredibly irritating, but in this case it's obviously really effective to show the suspense and tension.

I'm going to change the poem around a little bit - I'd like to see the stanzas get shorter towards the end, the beeps getting closer together, to show the life slipping away. I've swapped the commas following the beeps to full stops, but you could always experiment with this and change from full stops to commas to no punctuation as the beeps get closer together nearer the end.

dreamintechnicolour wrote:Beep.
Time ticks with new found uncertainty. - Good.
Once confident in seconds to minutes to hours,
[s]Once confident[/s] In hours to days to weeks,
Now nothing [s]to steady[/s] steadies its passing.

Beep.
Too late for apology, - I don't really like the comma here.
All attempts fall on empty ears,
[s]Or dry up on the sorrowful tongue,
Rendered worthless by the sudden fragility of life.[/s] - This line is too wordy, I reckon. Maybe:
Or dry up, worthless, on the sorrowful tongue
With the sudden fragility of life.

[s]Beep.
Senses numbed,
No beauty can be found,
Not in sun,
Nor in stars.[/s]

Beep.
Helplessness covers all like an old blanket,
[s]Thick and heavy,[/s]- Too contradictory to work.
[s]Yet[/s] Useless to preserve what little warmth is left.

[s]Beep.
Depression begins her mournful approach,
Hand in hand with her bedfellow apathy,
None to stop them,
None to control the misery. [/s]

Beep.
Alone:
The true meaning is lost
On those with someone to cling to.

Beep.
[s]Regret swamps every thought, [/s] - This is already shown.
Should have told him,
Should have been there,
Should have stopped it.

Beep.
Why now?
Why me?

Beep.
Why him?

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

I liked the 'time' stanza the best, so put it first.

I then thought about keeping the regret stanza where it was, but thought it might work better later on. I cut the 'senses' stanza because I felt it was a bit weak with the references to the sun and stars. If it was rewritten, then I think a stanza about the numbness the speaker feels would be a good addition. Same with the 'depression' stanza - its 'none to...' lines didn't have much impact, but with a few changes it could be added back in.

The 'helplessness' and 'alone' stanzas could be swapped around from the way I have them. I then put in the 'regret' stanza, and split up the questioning because, as I said before, I wanted the distance between the beeps to become shorter.

I thought the personification in the 'time' stanza was probably the poem's main strength. I hope you don't mind me taking it to pieces! I just thought that with a subject matter like this, structure could be used even more effectively.

I hope this helps you out! And you should definitely try poetry again.

hi!
Lol! I get it now! At first i thought that the beeping was the phone... i understand now.
Well, i thought that was really good. Well written. You have a good vocabulary and interesting description, which is fab! However, with these things in mind, i think you should aim higher with subjects. If you found something very unusual and pensive to scribble about, it would probably come out an extremely meaningful piece. I'm not saying that this one wasn't thoughtful, i just got the impression that this poem was a bit... emo. But that is partly because i wasn't entirely sure (and still aren't) about the meaning and the subject of this poem! It's probably partly the fault of the reader i.e. me, but there wasn't much to tell me what had happened. I'm guessing that the character here has... died of heartbreak? And that's all i've got. I'm not sure about anything else. There may be a whole biography of this character in your head, but very little of it seems to have translated onto the paper (/screen). This is a shame. However, i have to admit that poems about this subject do very little for me unless they are true epic tragedies or are actual events from... maybe the war or something, so i am biased. But i will stand by my thought that you should go for different content to this. It seems to me that your language and your writing is worth it.

I hope i have helped a little - i realise now that i have commented very little on the content of the poem itself!
You obviously don't have to agree with anything i've said, but i do hope you will consider it all.

Many thanks, and good luck with your later stuff. from charlie. ^^

dreamintechnicolour wrote:Beep,
Regret swamps every thought,
Should have told him,
Should have been there,
Should have stopped it.

Beep,
Too late for apology,
All attempts fall on empty ears,
Or dry up on the sorrowful tongue,
Rendered worthless by the sudden fragility of life.

Beep,
Senses numbed,
No beauty can be found,
Not in sun,
Nor in stars.

Beep,
Helplessness covers all like an old blanket,
Thick and heavy,
Yet useless,
To preserve what little warmth is left.

Beep,
Depression begins her mournful approach,
Hand in hand with her bedfellow apathy,
None to stop them,
None to control the misery.

Beep,
Why?
Why now?
Why him?
Why me?

Beep,
Time ticks with new found uncertainty,
Once confident in seconds to minutes to hours,
Once confident in hours to days to weeks,
Now nothing to steady it’s passing.

Beep,
Alone,
The true meaning,
Is lost,
On those with someone to cling to.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep




Just a bit of randomness that i whipped up one night (this is what happens when I'm sleep deprived...), I don't claim to be a poet by any stretch of the imagination.. Any feedback/critique that you can give me would be greatly appreciated (even if it's just "seriously, stick to stories, don't ever EVER try poetry again...EVER").

How interesting.
I liked this, kinda. The 'beep' play-by-play was a good move, and it was rather entertaining to read it that way.

From glancing at Sapphire's post, I see you've changed this up a bit. And from what I saw, you've made impovements. There's one thing I found you lacked though and that is emotion. Imagery. Your descriptions, like Charlie said are very nice and well written, but they don't do much. It's like a person with bad eyesight using the wrong glasses; I can see, but it's all blurry and undefined. Your repetitiveness really doesn't help either.

Also, your subject is a little... blah. What I got as opposed to Charlie was this person regrets not speaking to someone who they cared for before they died. Even if my perception is a bit different, it's still over done. Me, I'm a fan of cliche, but only when the writer has added thier own personal spin or has written it in a different style. Like I said, your 'beep' play-by-play was good, but not great.

dreamintechnicolour wrote:Just a bit of randomness that i whipped up one night (this is what happens when I'm sleep deprived...), I don't claim to be a poet by any stretch of the imagination.. Any feedback/critique that you can give me would be greatly appreciated (even if it's just "seriously, stick to stories, don't ever EVER try poetry again...EVER").

You said it, not me! But I must agree, I feel poetry isn't your strong suit. Your description and writing style seems to work better in stories. As a matter of fact, I suggest rewriting this into a narrative format and see what happens. I bet you'll get better reviews.

Nice to meet ya! Darn, we've just met and already I'm giving negative feedback...



EDIT: P.S, Nice title by the way!