the perfect girl

please don't judge my writing on this piece, it is something i came up with in literally in like 2 minutes! I was really bored so yet again i say please don't judge my writing on this! (but also say what you think about it of course) ok here goes...

She trotted around
tap-tapping a sound
With those magical feet of hers

She wore a pink hat
that made boys wink at
On that magical head of hers

She sported a skirt,
smaller than her shirt,
On that magical ass of hers

so after that SMACK,
the girls got her back,
with those magical fists of theirs.


what did i tell you 2 minutes max! Anyway thanks for reading!

This is actually pretty funny. As soon as I read you wrote it in only 2 mins I was like -_- normally I wouldn't bother even posting something I'd written that fast! But this was cute so I was surprised (in a good way).

that made boys wink at

That the boys winked at
that might sound better?

so after that SMACK,

I'd prefer if SMACK was in small letters and italic.

smaller than her shirt,

dodgy, dodgy rhyme ^_~

It made me laugh anyway! Especially the ending, it's actually almost a deeper meaning if you think about it. I mean - she is obviously so great and happy and magical, and that means all the other girls hate her. That's totally what girls are like ^_~

Next time I'd like to see something that I can judge your writing from!

lol! nice one loz! This is the most demented poem that you've ever written! Lol. However, i liked it. It made me laugh (hence the lolling). I think if you interested in improving it, you should consider changing the rhyme on the second stanza - the at and the hat are a bit.... er. If you get what i mean. :s
Ass? when do you say ass?

btw, i am in denmark and i have noticed that you were JUST online and it makes me angry. Gr. I need to tell you about Berlin and my road trip and shit, so please come back online here or something.
Also, i need to know how espagne was (spain - i may have spelt it wrong!) so hurry up! And thanks for what you said about dust to dust.

I'm so pleased i'm in a different country from you... jokes!
(did that make you angry?)

lots a love and hugs and stuff. From charlie. ^^

This is really great loz and for something thought up in only a few mins its especially great!!
i really love the verses and they made me laugh. especially love the beginning and end.
did u mean 'spotted' instead of 'sported'? or is it just me? hehe
And also i think that the bit about winking could be rearranged slightly...
instead of...
'that made boys wink at'
you could have...
'that the boys winked at'

??

maybe that might sound better.

well done. xxx