Notes

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I fumbled with the note as we drove down the backcountry highway in silence. I wasn't even thinking about its contents; I was just thinking about me, Brian, and the silence that filled the conversation.

What's going on anymore anyways? What's keeping us together? I don't even know. When I look at Brian now, I see someone that I've been dating for my whole freshmen and sophomore year. I see a relationship that's been consistently stagnant. I see a big situation that's been drug on for a little two long. But now I look into Brian's eyes, the big brown eyes that got me in the first place, and I still see a love for me that's more permanent, stable, and everlasting than the love I feel for him. I just can't keep lying to him.

"Brian," he glances at the road and then looks at me and searches my soul. He knows he's going in for the slaughter; pain paints lines of blood on his face. "I don't know if I can do this anymore and still be fair to you. To us."

He didn't say a word. He just looked away from me and back to the road where rain poured on the cement and puddles formed in the dips of the road. An oncoming car passed. And in the glare of their headlights I saw a single tear slide down Brian's cheek. It dripped onto his gray cotton shirt and made a black mar where the flannel was dampened. I saw another set of headlights was approaching. Brian looked down at the splattered tear on his shirt, taking one hand and holding the scar up as if surprised he had actually cried and ruined his shirt. Shamed he looked at me in the eye and then back up to the road. At that moment, the lights shining into our car swerved and crossed the center line and hit head on. I heard cars crash. I heard metal scrape. I saw glass shatter and disperse into the interior like shrapnel. The entire front end of the car accordion-folded up to when we were sitting and I saw Brian, my Brian, bash his head into the steering wheel.

And then it was over.

The next thing I remembered was the paramedics. I was being lifted into an ambulance on a stretcher and I hear the doors close behind me.

I felt around and tried to see if I still could move my fingers. Nothing hurt. I could move my toes and fingers. There were 2 meds sitting beside me. I sat up on the stretcher and pulled the hospital blanket up over my lap.

"You'd better sit back down, honey. You hit your head pretty hard." A black nurse said whose nametag read Denise. She helped me lay back down, but when I laid back down, a note slid out of my sweatshirt pocket.

Where's Brian

"Honey, Brian's…"

I said that out loud?

"What? What do you mean? Where is Brian? Why isn't he here?"

"Marlee. Brian hit hard. He's not here anymore."

I shut up. That was enough. When Brian lost me, he lost just one tear; when I lost him, let go of one tear for every time I had thought about him since I met him in 4th grade. I just stayed lying down and cried for a long time.

"Honey, it's time to go into the hospital." Denise helped me up and onto a wheel chair. She rolled me out of the ambulance and into the hospital where bystanders looked and sympathized with me and whatever had happened. She rolled me through double doors and into a room with 2 beds in it. One was occupied. I didn't even care who it was. I just looked down at the bed and let Denise help me lay back down again.

I took out the note.

I unfolded the notebook paper.

I flattened it out against the bedrail and held it up, unaware that my roommate was watching me.

I read his fast writing scribbled on the top two lines on the ruling.

"Without your love, I would die. Save me from death. You mean everything to me.

Love Forever even after I no longer have you, Brian"

I just kept re-reading the note, again and again. This time, one single tear rolled down my cheek. My roommate saw this, and I saw worry written over her black and blue face. She went out on a limb and attempted fate by asking me my story.

"What happened?"

Didn't I have a story to tell her.




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Wow. I really liked it. I liked how it was brought full circle. I've reread it mulitple times, but am still kind of speechless about the ending...

Um...what to say about it...

I see a big situation that's been drug on for a little two long

The wording is slightly awkward, maybe its the "drug". At first I thought it was dragged, but that doesn't sound right either... "I see a big situation that's been going on for too long."... I'm not sure.

Other than that, I guess I'm not sure really what else to say...
I liked it alot!
I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive. So I'm gunna start over tonight. - Paramore
It's all about the way we recieve, how much we believe it - Gavin DeGraw
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take - Wayne Gretzky




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Short.

Anyhow, yes. This was, in the beginning, a swerve away from the happy little love stories. However, now it, too, has become cliche. Car crash? The guy's dead? Yeah, yeah. Heard it before, read it before.

Let's see. I don't really nitpick, but let me put out a few awkward things for you to look over.

What's going on anymore anyways?


Two 'any's? :O

An oncoming car passed.


That just sounds strange. More like Burnout than a Romance story. Change?

At that moment, the lights shining into our car swerved and crossed the center line and hit head on. I heard cars crash. I heard metal scrape. I saw glass shatter and disperse into the interior like shrapnel. The entire front end of the car accordion-folded up to when we were sitting and I saw Brian, my Brian, bash his head into the steering wheel.


-yawn- You were saying? I feel like some just grabbed me from the present, stuck me in a boring box, and then, in the most monotone voice, told me what just happened to this girl and Brian. Maybe add some emotions, something real?

"Without your love, I would die. Save me from death. You mean everything to me.

Love Forever even after I no longer have you, Brian"


I see a guy standing at the front of a Drama class with a girl he doesn't particularly like, and saying this. It's melodramatic, it's badly punctuated, and very sappy. C'mon! Make me feel it, make me feel her sadness, his disappointment, their pain. I don't want to just hear what happened, I want to be there!

I just kept re-reading the note, again and again. This time, one single tear rolled down my cheek. My roommate saw this, and I saw worry written over her black and blue face. She went out on a limb and attempted fate by asking me my story.

"What happened?"

Didn't I have a story to tell her.


Ehh, no. I'll excuse some sloppiness in the actual story, but this is supposed to be an ending? Tsk, tsk. I think you reached for the dramatic close, scrabbled desperately, and missed by about three feet. 'One single'? And you repeat 'saw'?

Now, here's a good suggestion. No matter what else, make sure the ending flows right. I won't do if for you, but really, this seems kind of unrealistic. If the guy she loved since fourth grade just died, she would - well, I know I would - either still be crying, or ignore the 'roommate' and, well, keep crying! Telling a complete stranger about your love life? Uh-uh.

Anyhow, good luck with this. Although I didn't see a ton of originality, I caught glimmers of talent. Mine those, girl! Bring 'em out and use 'em!

Yes, I must be going. So long, and happy stories to you!

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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That was tragic. I really like the story. I especially love the ending. It's hard-hitting.

But there's something about the note that bothers me. It doesn't sound too sincere or special, it sounds like something any guy would say to a girl. I was expecting it to be something more, because it's the focal point of the story. Maybe that's just me though.
I'm getting over you, most of the time.




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Hey, honey! Since this is, I think, the first time I've critiqued anything of yours, there is probably two things you should know: one, if you have any questions, ask them; two, if my handwriting is illegible please tell me. Oh, and I really enjoyed this.

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Ta,
Cal.
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