The Vampires Kiss (Chapter 1)

I was sat opposite him half dozing and half watching him fiddle with his weapons, cleaning his knives and sharpening his arrows. He saw me watching and smiled, then in the blink of an eye he was across the room, in front of me.
'I love how humans believe that these will protect them; I could crush this with my fingers'
He was holding the crucifix I wore round my neck his hand, inspecting it carefully and chuckling quietly to himself. Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me his piercing pitch-black eyes he seemed to be searching for something deep within my own. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end; there was so much danger behind those eyes.


I remember the first time I saw him as vividly as if it was just yesterday. At that time I was living in Manchester above a small bar I owned, on the day I met him I was stood behind the bar nursing a whiskey, the sound of the door made me jump. It was still early evening and although the bar was open I wasn’t expecting anyone,
‘I’m sorry I did not mean to startle you’ the voice was gentle and he placed every syllable so carefully and precisely ‘is the bar open, I realise its early but I saw the lights on’
Before he spoke I was going to tell him the bar was closed but there was something in his voice which made me change my mind. I motioned him to a seat in front of the bar
‘What can I get for you?’ I asked my voice sounding harsh against his soft elegant tones
‘Scotch’ he responded so softly I almost missed it. As I busied myself in getting him his drink the bar was as silent as if he wasn’t here at all.
‘On the rocks?’ I asked putting the glass on the bar
‘No, Straight up thank you’ he replied
I smiled as I poured his whiskey ‘there you go sir, first ones on the house, oh and I’m Comfort by the way, I own the bar’
‘Well Comfort you can’t make much money if every first drink is free’ he remarked not looking up from his drink.
‘No. I wouldn’t, would I? Which really means it’s a good thing that the first drink isn’t free for everyone, just for the people I like the look of’ I responded. He looked up from his drink catching my eye, this was the first time I felt that fear which sent shivers down my spine, only back then I didn’t know why his eyes scared and excited me like they do. Dragging my eyes away from his intoxicating stare I busied my self cleaning the bar and I tried to strike up a conversation
‘Where are you from? I’ve never seen you in here before and I don’t recognise your accent’ I asked with genuine interest. His accent was strange, not English even though he spoke it fluently but like a mix of many distant accents all moulded in to one oddly appealing voice.
‘I am from very far from here and at the same time not far at all’ he replied and that cryptic response was the only thing I could get from him for a long time. We just sat and sipped our drinks until the door opened again breaking our quiet contemplations; this was the beginning of the slow drizzle of my regulars entering. I was kept fairly busy getting their drinks and listening to their stories and their moaning, but could barely take my eyes off him. He just sat their slowly sipping his drink, not speaking to anyone just staring off in to nothingness. I was watching him, waiting him to move or finish his drink anything so I could speak to him or interact with him in just some small way.
Suddenly there was a loud crash someone had knocked their glass onto the floor, I ran over to clean it up before anyone got hurt. I looked back after a split second and he was gone, silently and swiftly he had left leaving me feeling strangely empty.

Titch123-
Okay, here I go with the reviews.
First of all the beginning on the "present" scenario was great. You might wanna add a little more in also. It reminds me of Dracula...
For the "past" scenario, that was so cool! The name for the owner was really strange but I had no idea on scotch and what goes with it.
A name for the mysterious stranger would be nice. But I guess I'll have to read more!
Your description was great for someone who might be new at this. Keep it up with the MC and the story, I like to read more about this.
-Merry
~oh, and great job!!~

the only thing i can say is that the 'past' and 'present' switches were a little hard to keep up with so you might want to lead up to them a little bit more.

i was worried when i opened this thread that it would be a copy of the Twilight books (don't know if you've read them) but they were and were uniquely your own. I was interested in this vampire spiel and the important part was is that you weren't copying, you were doing your own thing.

New Chapter Has Been Posted Thanks For The Reviews x

Ok, this was interesting! A bit short, but I'll read the next chapters!
There were a few spelling/grammer mistakes but not many.
And how did you think up the name 'Comfort'? Its so odd!
Its a good story though so I'm off to read the other parts of it!

interesting!!
it was a bit short..i agree with Gee,
there were a couple of mistakes...but not too many!
it's so good!!
I really liked it!!
awsome job!

It has a good plot and i can see where it is heading, but you are taking things way too fast. You are rushing and there is no need to. Chillax! Let your mind work over concepts like their first meeting and let yourself flow with it. When there should be dialogue to develop the setting and the mood and the characters and their interaction you give it to us in a sentence or two and you sell yourself short.
You have TALENT i can see it in some of your works. But here... not so much. You're rushing and there is little in the character interaction/setting departments.

Sorry I gave up in the end – but more or less, you’re repeating the same mistakes over and over and over. Read each sentence back to yourself after typing. Like:

oh that’s a shame I would have liked to see her face …’

Should be ‘oh, that’s a shame. I would’ve loved to see her face…’

Not only does ‘love’ include more of a desperate satisfaction the speaker is seeking, but it flows easier and is more natural when read because it allows for the reader to have breaths in between.

There isn’t much in the sense of dialogue. Please rework that because dump this story if you don’t. If I didn’t feel inclined to help you make this into a successful story then I would’ve left it after the first page because it bored me that much. You use plain writing without very descriptive words (or much description) and the 2 characters jump from meeting to flirting and then he’s revealing he’s a vamp.
Now here I will actually guide you toward Twilight, because it is the only vamp romance I have really read. Don’t go Edward Cullen on me with the whole sexy vamp thing (be original and you’re well on the way but he’s undeveloped so far..) but you can see a clear development of their trust/friendship and eventually romance. All through the 4 books you can see it (although immensely over done and fast paced in the best of bits) they develop a very believable friendship/romance.
Here you have a very underdeveloped kind of romance brewing between them. and to reveal he’s a vamp before the second ‘part/chapter’ is way too fast paced. There is little in the way of their friendship or routine growing and it’s toooooo rushed. SLOW DOWN! It’s unbelievable because they don’t go through what humans do – learn to be friends. Nobody is instantaneously friends. That only happens in high school/as a kid. As an adult you’re more wary and adjusted to life so then yeah, friendships are harder to build. Work with the bar scenes because they’re rushed and you simply blurt everything and then move along. Readers will get bored fast. As I did.
It has potential and I don’t mind if you ignore all ^ but you have what you asked for.

This might sound odd, but if I were in your shoes, I would try wooing your readers. Not in a Stephanie Meyer way, because to be frank her books gave me a headache. But try being more elaborate with the beginning of the story-give her a reason to go looking into the past.

Tell us more about the two in the beginning. Such as, where they are, how old are they, what do they look like, why does he need weapons in the first place?

Just some ideas.

hey there, my name is Max aand just to say you drew me in at the first paragraph, and most people don''t do that your lucky, I think you could really work good with this, I want to read more. I love vampires and yes I'm a Twilight fan but I don't think it's the best vampire book ever. Anyways keep me posted, this is really go so far. Any questions or comments? PM me. Good luck, have fun, keep writing.

-Max

I was sat opposite him half dozing and half watching him fiddle with his weapons, cleaning his knives and sharpening his arrows. He saw me watching and smiled, then in the blink of an eye he was across the room, in front of me.

'I love how humans believe that these will protect them; I could crush this with my fingers'

Okay, at first I thought he was talking about his knives and arrows, but then I read the next bit and understood, it’s not a problem, just thought I should tell you.

He was holding the crucifix I wore round my neck his hand, inspecting it carefully and chuckling quietly to himself. Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me his piercing pitch-black eyes he seemed to be searching for something deep within my own. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end; there was so much danger behind those eyes.

Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me his piercing pitch black eyes he seemed to be searching for something deep within my own. Okay, there should be a comma between me and his, also one between eyes and he.

I remember the first time I saw him as vividly as if it was just yesterday. At that time I was living in Manchester above a small bar I owned, on the day I met him I was stood behind the bar nursing a whiskey, the sound of the door made me jump. It was still early evening and although the bar was open I wasn’t expecting anyone,

The last sentence of that paragraph ends in a comma, that should be a full stop.

‘I’m sorry I did not mean to startle you’ the voice was gentle and he placed every syllable so carefully and precisely ‘is the bar open, I realise its early but I saw the lights on’

Comma between sorry and I. I think it sounds better I didn’t mean to startle you but you can leave it as I did not mean to startle you if you want. Capital ‘T’ for the. Capital ‘I’ for is. Is the bar open? That’s a question, put a question mark. Full stop after on.

Before he spoke I was going to tell him the bar was closed but there was something in his voice which made me change my mind. I motioned him to a seat in front of the bar
‘What can I get for you?’ I asked my voice sounding harsh against his soft elegant tones

Full stop after tones.

‘Scotch’ he responded so softly I almost missed it. As I busied myself in getting him his drink the bar was as silent as if he wasn’t here at all.

Full stop after scotch.

‘On the rocks?’ I asked putting the glass on the bar

‘No, Straight up thank you’ he replied

Full stop after you. Capital ‘H’ and a full stop after replied.

I smiled as I poured his whiskey ‘there you go sir, first ones on the house, oh and I’m Comfort by the way, I own the bar’

Full stop after whiskey. Capital ‘T’ for there. Full stop after bar. By the way I don’t like her name but that’s your choice.

‘Well Comfort you can’t make much money if every first drink is free’ he remarked not looking up from his drink.

Full stop after free. Capital ‘H’ on he.

‘No. I wouldn’t, would I?

Which really means it’s a good thing that the first drink isn’t free for everyone, just for the people I like the look of’ I responded.

Full stop after of.

He looked up from his drink catching my eye, this was the first time I felt that fear which sent shivers down my spine, only back then I didn’t know why his eyes scared and excited me like they do. Dragging my eyes away from his intoxicating stare I busied my self cleaning the bar and I tried to strike up a conversation

Speech mark before which.

‘Where are you from? I’ve never seen you in here before and I don’t recognise your accent’ I asked with genuine interest. His accent was strange, not English even though he spoke it fluently but like a mix of many distant accents all moulded in to one oddly appealing voice.

Full stop after accent.

‘I am from very far from here and at the same time not far at all’ he replied and that cryptic response was the only thing I could get from him for a long time. We just sat and sipped our drinks until the door opened again breaking our quiet contemplations; this was the beginning of the slow drizzle of my regulars entering. I was kept fairly busy getting their drinks and listening to their stories and their moaning, but could barely take my eyes off him. He just sat their slowly sipping his drink, not speaking to anyone just staring off in to nothingness. I was watching him, waiting him to move or finish his drink anything so I could speak to him or interact with him in just some small way.

Full stop after all. Capital ‘H’ for he. It should be: I was kept fairly busy getting their drinks, listening to their stories and their moaning but I could barely take my eyes off him. Also I just realised, what’s his name? In to should be into.

Suddenly there was a loud crash someone had knocked their glass onto the floor, I ran over to clean it up before anyone got hurt. I looked back after a split second and he was gone, silently and swiftly he had left leaving me feeling strangely empty.

Overall I didn’t really like this, but it was okay, it needs some work on dialogue, it’s not realistic. I wish he was more dangerous and I wish I knew his name. Also I’d like more description. Also, I got sucked into the flash back sort of this that I almost forgot it wasn’t the present, it was the past.

Okay. I think it's a good beginning and that U have a nice idea.(Concerning chapter 1)
The present going towards the past was a bit thrown on the ground if you know what I mean.
There are a few punctuation errors I am going to point out.

I was sat opposite him

It should be:
I was sitting opposite him...
Also that a comma should be added after 'him'

He was holding the crucifix I wore round my neck his hand,

'round' should be around and you should add 'on' between 'neck' and 'his'
It will just make sense.

Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me his piercing pitch-black eyes he seemed to be searching for something deep within my own.

My version:
Suddenly he stopped laughing and looked down at me. His piercing pitch-black eyes seemed to be searching for something deep within my own.

At that time I was living in Manchester above a small bar I owned, on the day I met him I was stood behind the bar nursing a whiskey, the sound of the door made me jump.

My version:
At that time I was living in Manchester above a small bar I owned. On that day I was standing behind the bar nursing a whiskey. The sound of the door made me jump. \

These are a few examples. You really need to check every sentence before you post the chapter.

Okay on to other things.
I love the idea and the concept etc.

Suddenly there was a loud crash someone had knocked their glass onto the floor, I ran over to clean it up before anyone got hurt. I looked back after a split second and he was gone, silently and swiftly he had left leaving me feeling strangely empty.

I didn't like this paragraph. It was to 'sudden'
Yes I suppose that something has to happen, but this wasn't a really good one.

oh and I’m Comfort by the way, I own the bar’

That is really a weird name...
But I like weird and love the name.

All and all I enjoyed the first chapter and look forward to read the rest.(Now...)