Failing, failing,

falling, I'm flailing;

smiling at the

sound of the

faucet drips

into the sink

in coincidental time to

my irregular

heart beat.

neophilic wrote:The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.


It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.

Dizzy, I
falter my feet
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness;
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm,
the room begins to sway.

Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.

Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat.

neophilic wrote:The cut up lines are meant to mimic a heart beat.


It's four in the morning and I'm
waking for my daily dose of
failure pills and guilt medicine.

Dizzy, I
falter my feet (falter my feet? That part confuses me, and it sounds a little awkward. I see the alliteration you're going for but maybe something like "Dizzy, my feet falter and I fall" would sound better)
and fall.
Crawling, I'm curling
into
a circle of unworthiness (again, curling into a circle...doesn't sound right. Curling into something else would be better, maybe something like "Crawling, I'm curling, my body is unworthy, a mass of wasted space");
a body of wasted space.
"It's no good, it's no good."
my mouth opens to say.
And slowly, with rhythm, (these next two lines are beautiful. Perfect.)
the room begins to sway.

Reeling, I
cry out in
pieces of a phobia
I now own.
Thanks to the
many weeks
I've known (I like the way 'own' and 'known' rhyme)
these hard white tiles, this
jade green rug.

Failing, failing,
falling, I'm flailing;
smiling at the
sound of the
faucet drips
into the sink
in coincidental time to
my irregular
heart beat. (PERFECT ENDING.)