Love Can Be Blind

Cal's Character Contest

#5 Word: 49: trees Picture: 3

here's the link: topic33572.html

****


The patter on the umbrella slowed, and finally disappeared.

“How is it?” Jacob whispered to me.

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered back. I’d brought him out to the meadow behind my old school. It had been pouring, and he still held the big yellow umbrella over us. I pressed myself closer to him for warmth. And just because I could. He smiled.

It might have seemed useless to someone else to bring a blind person to sight see, but that’s not Jacob. I was his eyes and I loved it. I loved to describe things, and I loved him. I think he liked it a lot too.

“What’s it look like?”

“It’s misty. The sun’s poking out from behind the clouds. There are yellow dandelions all over the grass, they match the umbrella. There are trees all over there,” I took his hand and pointed his arm with mine. “And they’re just starting to get tiny little leaves on them.” I brought our arms back down to our sides. I intertwined my fingers with his.

“That sounds really pretty,” he said. I laid my head on his shoulder. I knew he wished he could see it, but he wouldn’t say it. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine how he must feel.

“Thanks.”

I nodded, my head was still against him, so he knew I acknowledged it.

“Ya know,” he continued. “I don’t even really mind not being able to see most of the time.”

I looked up at his face. He seemed to be staring out into nowhere… if his eyes weren’t hazed over.

“Except when I think about how pretty you must be, and the fact that I can’t see your face…” he trailed off.

“You’re not really missing much,” I muttered, burying my face further into his black t-shirt.

He was really quite for a while. Curious about his reaction, I looked back up at his face. He looked like he wanted to say something.

I touched his cheek lightly. “What?”

“Can you describe… you for me?” My hand dropped.

I blushed. “I, uh…” I didn’t know what to say. How would I describe myself? I cleared my throat. He frowned.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to. I was just a little curious, I guess,” he paused. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? He continued after a minute anyway. “I was just thinking that I wouldn’t be able to recognize you someday if I ever got my vision back,” he whispered again. I think he felt bad for flustering me. And he might have felt like that was shallow to ask, but I knew he didn’t mean it in a shallow way.

But then I realized what he’d said.

“If you ever get your vision back?” I asked in a small voice.

He was slow to answer. “Well, it doesn’t exactly seem likely, but I don’t know if it might be possible.”

I didn’t know what to say to him again. Usually his blindness didn’t bother me. I’d gotten used to it. But I felt oddly uncomfortable now. I didn’t know what to say to him. Should I console him? Should I pretend that that was possible?

Was it possible?

I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything. We stood in silence for a while, the last words hanging in the air like an omen. He wrapped the arm that wasn’t holding the umbrella around me as it started to drizzle again.

We had just started dating; I'd had a crush on him for the longest time, but I'd never really talked to him. I suppose it wasn't fair to expect him to make the first move when he wouldn't have been able to even notice me.

“What’s it look like now?” he asked quietly.

I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t want to pull my face away from his chest to look, but when I did, I let out a gasp. I said, “There’s a rainbow over there,” and I pointed to it with him once again.

Jey KailaMarie (I'm calling you both 'cause I can't decide which one is prettier...) Stella here!


I. NITPICK[s]S[/s]

There’re trees all over there,”

There are trees, or there're, if that's a word...


II. PLOT

I really liked this. I thought it was simple and sweet, which I love. However, you do have some holes:

-how long has he been blind? It's hard for us to decide, and this would probably affect his way of viewing it...
-how long have they been together?

III. CHARACTERS

Like the last part I reviewed, I'm not entirely sure who you are developing.

A. The girl: seems sweet and a little nervous. But apart from that, I couldn't tell much else about her. It's fine if you don't want to name her, but sometimes it makes a character a more defined person if they have a name. Just something for you to chew on.

B. Jacob: is clearly not at as much ease about his disability as he would like people to believe. I thought this was a clever and wonderful twist.

IV. DEVELOPMENT

I'm afraid it still needs work. You need to make your characters more human than this. I did like them, and they certainly have potential, and you know yourself that you have the potential to change them. Use it. Make them people I'd meet on the street. Tell yourself things about them. Do they like baked beans? It's questions like that that help you to understand them, and therefore help your reader to do the same. They're fine as characters, but they're far too 2-D to be people.

V. OVERALL

I feel like I'm cheating you out of a review, this one is so short. If it's not satisfactory, just say, and I can do another one, it was pretty painless.

Overall, I did really like this, in fact, I'm going to give it a gold star. As a story, it's a wonderful moment. But Cal's contest is about characters and therefore you need to work on those themselves.

Hope I've helped despite this review's lamentable length.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

Not bad, not bad. I liked it. Your sense of dialogue really fit the story- it was sweet, sort of brings some nostalgia, and realistic enough but also got your point across.

I pressed myself closer to him for warmth. And just because I could.

There's a halt in your diction. It sounds a bit awkward.

if his eyes weren’t hazed over.

I don't think "hazed" is a good word choice for this. Maybe "glazed", or "clouded" [in the case of the latter, then you'd just put "if his eyes weren't so clouded", or something like that].

He was really quite for a while.

"Quite" should be "quiet".

“What’s it look like now?” he asked quietly.

I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t want to pull my face away from his chest to look, but when I did, I let out a gasp. I said, “There’s a rainbow over there,” and I pointed to it with him.

This wasn't the right ending for it. It was rather anticlimactic, and I expected her to point out something maybe relevant to the beginning, or the character's thoughts, or to the title, or the tone of the story or something like that. Toy around with it. Add more to the MC's thoughts. Flesh the character out- I see the beginnings of a very real character[s] and a couple.

Stella had pretty much all I wanted to point out. Good luck with the contest!

KailaMarie wrote:Cal's Character Contest

#5 Word: 49: trees Picture: 3

here's the link: topic33572.html

****


The patter of the rain on the umbrella slowed, and finally disappeared.

“How is it?” Jacob whispered to me.

“It’s beautiful,” I whispered back. I’d brought him out to the meadow behind my old school. It had been pouring, and he still held the big yellow umbrella over us. I pressed myself closer to him for warmth. And just because I could. He smiled.

It might have seemed useless to someone else to bring a blind person to sight see, but that’s not Jacob. I was his eyes and I loved it. I loved to describe things, and I loved him. [s]I think he liked it a lot too. [/s] “What’s it look like?”

“It’s misty. The sun’s poking out from behind the clouds. There are yellow dandelions all over the grass, they match the umbrella. There are trees all over there,” I took his hand and pointed his arm with mine. “And they’re just starting to get tiny little leaves on them.” I brought our arms back down to our sides. I intertwined my fingers with his.

“That sounds really pretty,” he said. I laid my head on his shoulder. I knew he wished he could see it, but he wouldn’t say it. I closed my eyes, trying to imagine how he must feel.

“Thanks.”

I nodded, my head was still against him, [s]so he knew I acknowledged it[/s].

“Ya know,” he continued. “I don’t even really mind not being able to see most of the time.”

I looked up at his face. He seemed to be staring out into nowhere… if his eyes weren’t hazed over.

“Except when I think about how pretty you must be, and the fact that I can’t see your face…” he trailed off.

“You’re not really missing much,” I muttered, burying my face further into his black t-shirt.

He was really quiet [s]quite[/s] for a while. Curious about his reaction, I looked [s]back[/s] up at his face. He looked like he wanted to say something.

I touched his cheek lightly. “What?”

“Can you describe… you for me?” My hand dropped.

I blushed. “I, uh…” I didn’t know what to say. How would I describe myself? I cleared my throat. He frowned.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to. I was just a little curious, I guess,” he paused. I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? That thought should have been in italics He continued after a minute anyway. “I was just thinking that I won't [s]ouldn’t[/s] be able to recognize you someday if I ever get [s]ot[/s] my vision back,” he whispered again. I think he felt bad for flustering me. [s]And he might have felt like that was shallow to ask, but I knew he didn’t mean it in a shallow way. [/s]
But then I realized what he’d said.

“If you ever get your vision back?” I asked in a small voice.

He was slow to answer. “Well, it doesn’t exactly seem likely, but I don’t know if it might be possible THis sentence was a bit contradictory. Too many double negatives. Reword it .”

I didn’t know what to say to him again. Usually his blindness didn’t bother me. I’d gotten used to it. But I felt oddly uncomfortable now. [s]I didn’t know what to say to him[/s]. Should I console him? Should I pretend that that was possible?

Was it possible?

[s]I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything[/s] Show us the way she feels a bit more. Is her heart beating really fast in a panicking way? . We stood in silence for a while, the last words hanging in the air like an omen. He wrapped the arm that wasn’t holding the umbrella around me as it started to drizzle again.

We had just started dating; I'd had a crush on him for the longest time, but I'd never really talked to him. I suppose it wasn't fair to expect him to make the first move when he wouldn't have been able to even notice me.

“What’s it look like now?” he asked quietly.

I didn’t answer right away. I didn’t want to pull my face away from his chest to look, but when I did, I let out a gasp. I said, “There’s a rainbow over there,” and I pointed to it with him.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! I loved it! Great job kailamarie! Very beautiful!
The only crit I have is I would like to see a teensy bit more of your MCs emotions. SHow us her panic. show us how her heart rate escalates. Show us if she gets nervous etc. Other than that, well done! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!