The Midnight Dawn

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This is my entry for Professor Rabbit's Vampire Contest, and my first post in a long, long time. I hope you like it.

The Midnight Dawn

London Bridge, 2002

Cherubim laughed wildly while he played whit the Apple. That was something Michael would never understand: Being three thousand years old, Cherubim always behaved like a child. Helped by the fact, of course, that he looked just like one, with his miniature size and his golden locks, looking exactly like what his name suggested.

“Leave it, Bim. The Boss will be angry”, said Michael, starting to get worried.

“Ah, you and the rest keep calling him ‘The Boss’ and acting all afraid… is not like he’s ubiquitous, you know?”, answered Cherubim, throwing the Apple up high and catching it as it almost hit the cold, stone ground.

“And he appears to be, sometimes. Remember, it’s almost midnight. He’s strongest at this time. If he catches you playing with the that thing…” Michael didn’t really mean what he said, but he hoped to scare Cherubim into stop playing.

Something in Cherubim’s angelical face switched, and it became diabolical. His eyes turned red and his canines grew to become pointed fangs.

“I am not scared, Michael. You and the rest of the coward lot might benefit from it. Elijah is not better than any of us”

A strong wind started blowing, and Michael withdrew inside his coat, hiding his skin from the wind. He had learned to sense Elijah, and he wasn’t at all thrilled to face him again.

Cherubim stopped playing at once, though his defying attitude didn’t go away. Holding the Apple with just one finger, he adopted a rebel pose, lying on one of the bridge’s columns and placing one bare feet in it.

Elijah materialized right in front of him. He wasn’t tall, but something in his way of standing made him bigger than any of them. The moonlight enhanced the paleness of his skin, which was shown almost fully, for his only clothing was a wrapped piece of cloth going from his right shoulder to his groin, and then circling his waist, hanging there by no observable means.

“You pronounced my name, Cherubim. May I assume you have what I asked?”

His voice was deep, but at the same time gentle, as a wolf who tries to seduce a sheep.

“I pronounce your name whenever I want to, Elijah. Can it wear out?” Cherubim’s voice was firm. ‘He’s testing limits’, thought Michael.

“Not many have the courage to summon me”, answered Elijah, as if he didn’t mean anything by it.

“I didn’t. We were expecting you anyway. Would you rather not be disturbed? I imagine you were having such a good time being mortal that this little trinket”, said Cherubim, picking the Apple by it’s extremity and waving it over the Thames river “is of no use to you.”

“Don’t play with my Apple, Cherubim. As far as I know, it’s what keeps you alive”

Michael was surprised to see Elijah’s voice was still serene. ‘He certainly seems more important than us. He behaves like it, at least’.

“You mean, hadn’t we picked it up for you, you would have killed us?” Cherubim got his fangs near the Apple’s surface, almost scratching it. Irony was one his qualities that drove everyone else mad.

“No, I meant that, sometime after you hand it over to me, you are going to die. It is why you did it, isn’t it? Because you wanted to die.”

“Well, yes. You could, I suppose, hurt me until I cried in agony, but you can’t kill me, whereas I can kill you so easily. But yes, you are right. I want to die.”

“You can kill me. But not easily” Elijah’s voice showed, for the first time, a trace of a feeling other than perfect stillness.

“Silly, I don’t want to. I need you, remember? Just as you need me. But don’t expect me to call you Boss and bow. This is a deal.”

Michael’s impatience grew out of control. For the first time since Elijah’s appearance, he expressed himself.

“Enough of this, Cherubim. Hand him the Apple and be done with it.”

Cherubim’s face turned to him, and his expression of amuse was so exaggerated it scared Michael.

“Well, look at you. Showing no respect for one of your kin, a brother, when you go around an call this… this beast ‘Boss’. You should be ashamed”

“I don’t want to be one of the kin. That’s why we’re doing this. Hand it over to him”

Cherubim obviously didn’t want to obey, but Michael was inescapably right. There was some juxtaposition in their individual wills, the conjunction of their blood as part of the brethren. A kin that wanted to die.

“Well, it hurts me to do this. I wish there was someone more worthy. Maybe a couple thousand years more on Earth are better than letting you take over our legacy. Your ill gotten power will be unstoppable, and our reputation will be tarnished”

There wasn’t any sadness in Cherubim’s voice, just bitter truth.

“The age of the vampires is over. You should let the new kind take over”, said Elijah, in a tone that wasn’t offensive, but assuring. Hearing regret in Cherubim’s voice had scared him. His plans might, after all, be hanging by a thread.

“Our age might be over, but what an age it was. We were the best Immortals. No one will be as we were. Certainly not you and your army of followers. Power doesn’t always bring more power, you know? But I’m tired. Take it”

And saying this, Cherubim threw the Apple up high, with a dramatic hand twist. Elijah rose from the ground, catching the Apple above the water.

“This is it. It’s mine. Now and forever!”

He took a bite at the fruit, and it glowed red. Light went through his body, igniting every inch of his skin. The cloth was blown away, and, naked, he fell slowly until he touched the ground again, lying there as if he were death. The Apple in his hand started regenerating the bitten piece.

“Let’s go. Come on, you don’t want to be here when he wakes up, do you?”, said Michael, walking up to Cherubim and taking his hand.

“What have we done?”, he asked, and now he really looked like a child. A child that just misbehaved and knows that punishment isn’t far away “The other Immortals will never forgive us.”

“They won’t have to. They are going to die. And so are we.”

Cherubim lifted his eyes and looked at Michael with a pleading look.

“Let’s make it fast. I’m though with pain”

“Of course, Bim”, said Michael, and he hugged Cherubim. Tears started pouring from his eyes.

Carrying him in his arms, Michael walked up to the bridge’s edge, and rose above it, ethereally.

“I love you, Michael”, said Cherubim, and he clung to Michael’s chest.

“I know you do”, he answered, and, opening his arms, he shoved Cherubim into the water.

Cherubim’s face, distorted with shock, sunk slowly into the Thames. He didn’t try to swim. He exhaled and disappeared in the water, his eyes filled with tears that were washed away.

Michael returned to the bridge and kneeled besides Elijah.

“Master”, he said, touching his shoulder gently.

“Master, it is time. We have to conquer the world.”
"They are like scarecrows form a watermellon plantation. Do not fear them, for they can't do you any harm, and no good either".




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Oooh! I like. :) There were quite a few grammar and spelling mistakes, but I'm too tired to fix them right now. Sorry. :wink:

One random question, the Apple, was it like the apple from the Garden of Eden? Or was that just a coincidence?




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It isn't the same Apple, but I will admit that when I "created" it, I couldn't help thinking of THE Apple... which wasn't actually an apple, but whatever...

But it's not the same. It's another one.
"They are like scarecrows form a watermellon plantation. Do not fear them, for they can't do you any harm, and no good either".




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Cherubim laughed wildly while he played whit the Apple.

Typo. "Whit" should be "with."


That was something Michael would never understand: Being three thousand years old, Cherubim always behaved like a child.

This sentence feels awkward to me.
"That was something Michael would never understand: though he was three thousand years old, Cherubin always behaved like a child."
Maybe something more like this.


Helped by the fact, of course, that he looked just like one, with his miniature size and his golden locks, looking exactly like what his name suggested.

More awkwardness, here. You're not off to a strong start with this piece. Let me try to rearrange this:
"It helped, of course, that, with his miniature size and his golden locks, he looked exactly like his namesake."
Hmm, I'm not sure that that quite works, either. I'd spend some time fiddling with this one, were I you.


“Leave it, Bim. The Boss will be angry”, said Michael, starting to get worried.

Comma goes inside the quotation marks.


“Ah, you and the rest keep calling him ‘The Boss’ and acting all afraid… is not like he’s ubiquitous, you know?”, answered Cherubim, throwing the Apple up high and catching it as it almost hit the cold, stone ground.

Remove the comma after the quotation. The question mark is all you need. Also, I'd lost the ellipsis. Like so:
"Ah, you and the rest keep calling him 'the Boss' and acting all afraif. It's not like he's ubiquitous, you know?"


And he appears to be, sometimes.

I'd just lose the "and" and capitalize the "h."


Michael didn’t really mean what he said, but he hoped to scare Cherubim into stop playing.

"...he hoped to scare Cherubim into ceasing his play."
Something more like that.


You and the rest of the coward lot might benefit from it.

Benefit from what?


Elijah is not better than any of us”

Period after "us" but before the quotation mark.


A strong wind started blowing, and Michael withdrew inside his coat, hiding his skin from the wind.

You've used "wind" twice in the same sentence. Consider revising.


Cherubim stopped playing at once, though his defying attitude didn’t go away.

I think it would be better if you used "defiant" instead of "defying," here.


Holding the Apple with just one finger, he adopted a rebel pose, lying on one of the bridge’s columns and placing one bare feet in it.

"Holding the Apple with just one finger, he adopted a rebellious pose, lying on one of the bridge's columns and placing one bare foot on it."
Also... what is he putting his foot on? The column? The bridge? The water under the bridge?


He wasn’t tall, but something in his way of standing made him bigger than any of them.

I'd use "posture" instead of "way of standing" and add "seem" before "bigger."


‘He’s testing limits’, thought Michael.

I'd put this on a separate paragraph, to differentiate Michael's thoughts from Cherubim's words.


“Don’t play with my Apple, Cherubim. As far as I know, it’s what keeps you alive”

You're missing a period.


Irony was one his qualities that drove everyone else mad.

I don't think this really qualifies as irony. He's mostly just being bratty.


“You can kill me. But not easily”

Period.


Elijah’s voice showed, for the first time, a trace of a feeling other than perfect stillness.

...what feeling might that be?


“Well, look at you. Showing no respect for one of your kin, a brother, when you go around an call this… this beast ‘Boss’. You should be ashamed”

I'm an ellipsis-hater. There are times when you really need one, but this isn't it. Replace with a dash. Also, you need a period on the end.


“I don’t want to be one of the kin. That’s why we’re doing this. Hand it over to him”

Period.


Your ill gotten power will be unstoppable, and our reputation will be tarnished”

"Ill-gotten." Also, period.


“The age of the vampires is over. You should let the new kind take over”,

Comma goes inside the quotation marks.


But I’m tired. Take it”

Period.


And saying this, Cherubim threw the Apple up high, with a dramatic hand twist.

Lose the "and" at the beginning, there.


Elijah rose from the ground

Is he levitating, or just jumping?


lying there as if he were death.

"...as if he were dead."


“Let’s go. Come on, you don’t want to be here when he wakes up, do you?”,

Lose the comma. You already have punctuation in the form of a question mark.


“Let’s make it fast. I’m though with pain”

"Though" should be "through." Also, period.


“I love you, Michael”, said Cherubim

Comma goes inside the quotation marks.


“I know you do”, he answered

Ditto


Cherubim’s face, distorted with shock, sunk slowly into the Thames.

I'd say it more like this:
"Cherubim, face distorted with shock, sunk slowly into the Thames."


Michael returned to the bridge and kneeled besides Elijah.

No "s" in "beside." And "kneeled," I believe, should be "knelt."


“Master”, he said, touching his shoulder gently.

“Master, it is time. We have to conquer the world.”

Awesome. Just awesome. This ending redeems all your punctuation errors, my friend. *nodnod*



First, let's talk about punctuation. You don't seem to have much of a problem in the narration, but when you start getting into dialogue, everything goes haywire. You leave off periods at the end of sentences that close with a quotation mark, and you keep putting the commas after the ending quotation marks. Watch this carefully in the future. As for the story itself, I must admit that it left me very confused. I don't really get what's going on, throughout most of it, and the whole Apple thing baffles the heck out of me. But that ending - wow! I loved it! I expected Elijah to die, for some reason, and when Michael shoved Cherubim into the water... yeah. Excellent.

Thank you for entering my contest, and keep an eye out for the results over the next couple of days.
Frylock, please, no books! I can't read; I'm not a loser!
-Master Shake




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Oh I like your story, it appears that it won something... Anyways I hope you keep going with it. Good luck.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.



Sometimes my life just sounds like surrealistic fiction being sold on clearance at the book store.
— J. G. Hammersmith