random beginning of a story here

The soft notes drifted out from under the closed door. She played beautifully, fingers gently stroking the keys, foot massaging the peddle. They were moulded together, breathing together, singing together. Making an array of colours and pictures stream through his ears. Crescendos and diminuendos rose and fell, like a calming breeze in the afternoon sunset. Words whispered through dry pink lips, telling a story, painting a story, showing a story, to the many imaginary people who surrounded her raised platform. It's almost like he could feel the words warm his insides whilst the music relaxed his bones and set his blistered feet upon a velvet cushion, until the last note was played and the last word was sung. Then the cushion was snatched away, cold, bitter wind swept through him and he was gone. No remains of his being were left in the large yet harsh room, the girl however stayed where she was and wept.

Good begininning and description, but it so far does not look like it would be a fantasy story. But then again you only posted one paragraph. Anyways it's a good starter. Contact me if you need more reviews. Au revior

Boon the Werewolf

don't worry it is a fantasy story i will get round to posting the rest hopefully (when it's written) lol!

Wooooow, this has so much potential--BUT! We must see more! I'll give you a little run down of some stuff I saw in what you have, anyway.

Line-By-Line

lozzen wrote:The soft notes drifted out from under the closed door.

A pretty sentence, but it can use some fleshing out. For example, how did the soft notes drift from under the closed door? Were they smooth and lilting, high and soaring, were they loud and inspiring, gentle and muted? Others will probably say it's fine, I think it needs something more--IMHO.

lozzen wrote:They were moulded together, breathing together, singing together. Making an array of colours and pictures stream through his ears.

A few things here--one, you have one full sentence and then a fragment. Suggest replacing the period with a comma. Two, I feel rather confused by your pronoun change--after I read the piece I sorta understood it, but you need to make the fact that she's playing for a fragment of her imagination more clear earlier. Try using pronouns other than 'he' and 'she' to describe these two characters, and give us more of a sense of where they are. A little description of furniture (other than the piano) would be just right for this scene, me thinks.

lozzen wrote:Crescendos and diminuendos rose and fell[s],[/s] like a calming breeze in the afternoon sunset. Words whispered through dry pink lips, telling a story, painting a story, showing a story[s],[/s] to the many imaginary people who surrounded her raised platform.

Just a few formatting suggestions, here (cutting out commas, mostly--though the second sentence is a little wordy...I think =/ *shrug*).

lozzen wrote:It's almost like he could feel the words warm his insides whilst the music relaxed his bones and set his blistered feet upon a velvet cushion, until the last note was played and the last word was sung.

Ok, major issue here. You've been narrating in the past tense this whole time (He did, she said, they played) and then you switch to present tense (He does, she says, they play). This is a no no in writing--pick a tense and stick to it.

lozzen wrote:No remains of his being were left in the large [s]yet[/s], harsh room[s],[/s]. The girl, however, stayed where she was and wept.

Other than those things I've pointed out, this looks like a very promising piece! I wish there was more, though, so I could really tell. The intriguing concept of this girl imagining a specific boy when she plays could be a very interesting story depending on how it's executed.

Bravo, and keep going! You've got a lot of potential!

I thought that was beautiful. It was extremely well-written and all very moving. The language you used was so vivid. I enjoyed it a lot. It was also all very romantic. I mean I am assuming that boy is her old lover. I thought it was a great beginning. I have no idea what your plans are in regards to this story but I think it would be pretty cool if this was the prologue. Then the whole story could be about the girl and the boy's relationship and how she ended up alone. It seemed like when she was playing the music they were connected and she was going through memories of him. That was just my interpretation. I could be totally wrong though. I guess he could have been there and just left, but I don't know. Or maybe he was just some guy. I guess I can't make assumptions like that.

As for any grammar I saw, there might have been one run-on sentence that I noticed. If I understood how to quote you and show you which ones I'm talking about I would. I am still new to the site and am figuring things out.

Anyway, if you continue this story I will definitely read it because I am really curious as to what it will be about. Fabulous job!!!!!!

hi Lozzen!
I really enjoyed this first paragraph. The description was beautiful, and I could picture everything you wrote.
I though the repetition worked well.
In the next part, which I hope you write soon, I hope we can find out much more about these characters. Especially the girl; why is she crying?
Good Luck with the rest of this!

I thought it was magical - for your first review - of course it has potensial! are they mad? It was brilliant, beautiful and i could picture it so clearly, your sentences were pretty and overwhelm the imagenation, lol it was very heartwarmingly romantic and a littl confusing, but it was just the first paragraph so im not surprised it wasnt a little confusing! I would love to read more if you decide to carry it on xpeacex

Lozzen,

Hello! How are you? I trust that well.


Quote:
Words whispered through dry pink lips, telling a story, painting a story, showing a story, to the many imaginary people who surrounded her raised platform.
Personally, I think you went overboard here - telling, painting, showing. It might have been cool on any other background, but in this case it’s an uber long interference that makes the rest of the sentence drag.


Quote:
No remains of his being were left in the large yet harsh room, the girl however stayed where she was and wept.
“the girl however” - the sentence above dragged, yes, and this is yet another tail. Split.


Okay, that is all. Seeing as this is very, very short, apart from the above line-by-line, I have very little to say. Frankly, I see no point in this, other than fishing for complements. It was beautifully written, yes, and vocab- and word-wise I loved it.

Apart from that - nothing. What else? Nothing.

Yes, yes, it has potential, but - but…You’re going to post the story when it’s written, you say. You do that. Most probably it’ll be as lovely as this short passage. And most probably it’ll have substance. (:


Cheers,
Esme