Your Brain

Hey! Welcome to YWS. So nitpicks in bold, 'kay?

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:I no what you think It should be: "I know what you're thinking:
It's gonna Should be going to. Gonna isn't a real word and sounds way too childish.be another boring poem
About how somebody has unspoken beauty,
Or just too short of a skirt.
But this is about your brain
Playing tricks on your body.
You can think you're fat or ugly,
Maybe even smallish too.
But trust it's just your brain playing tricks on you. [/b]This line is too long for this poem.[/b]
And its doing it right now.
You could think this is a poem,
Maybe even a song;
But this is really your brain
Telling you whats right and wrong.

Lot's of grammar issues. Bad grammar really turns critical readers off. The length of the poem is good -it doesn't go on and on and on. But like lizzifer said, it's a bit too clunky and doesn't flow.
I really don't like how at the beginning you stereotype readers and what they think this poem will be about. It makes us feel stupid, and that's not going to win you any favor.
The repetition doesn't work here. The rhythm... well, there isn't any. The rhyme scheme is inconsistent. And the reader doesn't walk away with anything. All in all? I was disappointed.

Hope I wasn't too harsh. Keep at it - you can only get better. Any questions, PM me.

I no what you think

Its gonna be another boring poem

About how somebody has unspoken able beauty

Or just to short of a skirt

But this is about your brain

Playing tricks on your body

You can think your fat or ugly

Maybe even smallish two

But trust its just your brain playing tricks on you

And its doing it right now

You could think this is a poem

Maybe even a song

But this is really your brain

Telling you whats right and wrong

Nitpicks:

I KNOW what you think
IT'S GOING TO BE another boring poem
How someone has UNSPEAKABLE beauty- 'unspokenable' is not a word
Or just TOO short of a skirt
Maybe even smallish TOO
And IT'S doing it right now


Overall:

If you're really going to be that sure of yourself, maybe try reading some poetry first. I highly doubt that you've actually studied ENGLISH, much less poetry. Instead of saying that it's 'awesome', because it wasn't, maybe you could have just said that the idea for it was awesome. I know I'm being harsh, but I think that you should work on your spelling, grammar, punctuation, and pride.

-Ember

I'm pretty sure the point of this was to actually have all of those spelling and grammar mistakes, right? Because, if so, I'm going to put away the dictionary/grammar handbook that I was about to hurl at you.

Also, I will kindly NOT correct the grammar/spelling that has already been done a few times over here.

In the third line ("About how somebody has unspoken able beauty") I have a problem with the word "able". Once again, I understand that this was *probably* put there on purpose but it was even more distracting than all the mistakes--I kept going back to that line and tried to dissect it and figure out what it all meant! I realized that it worked much better without the "able"--just a thought.

I like the last four lines of the poem very much, actually. It totally described what I was doing the entire time while reading your poem!

This is not a style that I enjoy. I am too much of a perfectionist to sit down, read something like that, and appreciate it. I'm not going to say good job or needs work; I think it fits the bill you're going for, but, as you can see from your reviews, it's caused quite the dissent among reviewers!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

-Cassie

No he doesn't need to do any editing! Don't you get it? The mistakes are part of the poem. You can still read it and understand it even though its wrong. Your brain is playing tricks on you as you read it! It's the whole point of the poem. If he fixes those mistakes it takes away from the point of writing it in the first place! There will be no tricks, just a boring old poem.


...Um, am I right?

Oh, and nice job. I find it very creative. It's really cool that you thought to do that.

I like to think you made the spelling & grammatical mistakes on purpose - if you didn't then I'd suggest getting someone to proofread your work for you before you submit it. I think the poem has potential, but to me it doesn't make any sense. I think the rhyming is clever, but I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. Or is that the point? I'm going in circles now, haha.

Maybe revsiting this poem and fleshing it out more would give it a greater sense of purpose. It's up to you in the end, but in the form it's in now, I don't think it's living up to it's potential.